boltnrun

He was so distraught over how to continue to parent their two young children. I don't know how they are managing it, but it's got to be so very difficult to have to explain to your children why you can't hug them or feed them or put them to bed. Heartbreaking.

That's a great question. I have thyroid disease, high blood pressure and I've had major abdominal surgery. I am on medication for the first two conditions, but routinely I feel crappy at least half the month. I am almost always fatigued. I don't tend to run a fever but I have runny nose, sore throat and body aches frequently. How do we know if it's just how we normally feel? Or just a simple cold? A top Nascar driver was just diagnosed. He had no symptoms and his wife, who also tested positive, had "allergy" symptoms. Well, so do I, at least a few times a month. It's frustrating... they really don't know what the symptoms are. No one seems to. And they keep adding to the list. It used to be a cough, fever, difficulty breathing and chills and then they added body aches, fatigue and sore throat. And then of course the wild card of "asymptomatic" and "pre-symptomatic". In other words, no one knows. Which is why extensive testing is recommended. But what if you test negative and then get exposed a week later? Gah!

I don't truly believe I have it. If I do it means I somehow got infected while grocery shopping, at the laundromat or at the doctor's office. I have not gone to a restaurant, have not visited anyone or had anyone visit me, I have not gone bowling or to a theme park. I would have somehow picked it up from someone while they walked past me or something. And I am wiping everything down, washing my hands very frequently, wearing a mask and showering and changing when I return home from errands. If I somehow got it, I would really want to explore how.

I have a test scheduled for tomorrow. I have body aches and cold symptoms. No fever, no cough, no difficulty breathing. I just like to be informed. I realize that even if I do not test positive it's not immunity. It just means at the time of the test the virus was not detected. I will continue to be vigilant. And if I somehow contracted it despite all my efforts? Well, I'll certainly have to quarantine at home so I don't infect anyone.

OK, thank you for the info. My psychologist feels that my unresolved and untreated childhood trauma very much has to do with how I'm reacting now. To summarize, I never felt safe in my childhood home, so I am reacting strongly now because I don't feel safe in the world. I was able to be strong, independent and relatively fearless as long as nothing happened that I couldn't control. The two most recent events were a car accident I had a few years ago which made me fearful of driving on the freeway (although I was still able to do it) and the pandemic. The car accident wasn't my fault. And of course I have no control over the pandemic. Control is a VERY big thing for me because it's how I dealt with feeling unsafe. My coping mechanism is, when I control my environment I am safe. So when things happen that I can't control it sends me into a tailspin. Again, not always and not always this severe, but she feels there is definitely a link. She doesn't want to do the EMDR virtually for obvious reasons so we will have to work on when I will be able to come into her office. Thanks again for the info.

Anyone know anything about EMDR therapy? My meds should come in the mail tomorrow or Thursday. It will be interesting to see if they are effective. I want to go for a drive down near my former hometown Friday. It's a lovely area with lots of beautiful scenery. There are places I can pull over and just get out and get some fresh air without crowds of people around. One big advantage of having grown up in this area is that I know some beautiful scenic places that tourists don't know about. I can enjoy them without fear of huge swarms of people being there. I have a Covid test scheduled for Thursday. I haven't been exposed to anyone who has it, and I haven't gone anywhere other than the grocery store, the pharmacy, the laundromat, the gas station and the doctor's office so my chances of community exposure are small, but I am someone who likes to have information. I realize a "not detected" result doesn't mean I will never get it but I still want to know so I don't unknowingly expose others if by chance I do have it. Plus, if it is "not detected" I will feel better about meeting my son and his spouse for walks. We wear masks and do not come close to one another, but still.

I just breathed in some Clorox cleaner. I was filling a travel size bottle and thought the sprayer on the original bottle wasn't working, so I sprayed it into the sink. Blech. Surprisingly, my city is reporting fewer cases over the past couple of days. We had some terrible days during the last week of June and the first of July but things have slowed down a bit. Fingers crossed.

Other apartment is out. They would want me to pay off the rest of my current lease. That doesn't make sense financially, to be paying rent on two apartments. I already did that once, when my company kept pushing back my move date. I don't want to do that again, it would be a total waste of money. Oh well, I'll just have to continue going to the laundromat for at least the next two months. I do have a certain level of comfort at the laundromat I've been going to. It's about 4 blocks away and is set up pretty well. It gets busy sometimes but I can just go sit in my car while my clothes wash and dry and it's a very short trip back home. I didn't like that neighborhood much anyway. Mine is closer to the beach by about 8 blocks, seems much safer and I do like having an upper unit. And I don't have to deal with packing up my stuff AGAIN and arranging the move. My next door neighbor has someone visiting her. They are standing in the stairwell. I want them to go inside her apartment and shut the door! Her front door is only about 5 feet from mine. I have my door closed but there's a huge gap between the door and the door frame (love those vintage buildings!). Go inside, people!!

Totally get it, Batya. I had to send my kids to school the day Columbine happened. They were grade school and middle school age. We lived nowhere near where that happened but still, it was upsetting to know that children could do such a thing and that there is no warning that a child is planning something like that. I can't even imagine having a school age child right now. I truly hope the school district is able to provide you with peace of mind. There are some who say it's pointless to worry. Others, like me, take their fear and anxiety to an extreme. I'd love to be more middle ground in my point of view. But things that happened to me during my childhood have caused me to need control in order to get through each day. And of course there are many things that are out of our control. I can't control others who choose to refuse to do things to protect others. All I can do is minimize my exposure to others, keep myself as physically and mentally healthy as possible and hope for the best. And I choose to have people in my life who truly care about others. That helps out a lot too.

I went 3 places today. First stop was at my primary doctor (yes, a specialist ) who agreed with medication but disagreed with the Klonopin. He is putting me on Celexa (the generic version) because he doesn't want me to take something that is somewhat of a tranquilizer and also doesn't want me to become dependent (as you mentioned, Seraphim). I should be able to pick it up tomorrow. Next I went to view the apartment. I like it! It has a pretty large laundry room (inside the apartment, so it would be my own), a decent size living room, small kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. What's really nice is there's an entrance through the laundry room where I could undress without bringing my clothes into the actual apartment. I like that a lot. Downsides are that it's not in as nice a neighborhood and it's a ground floor rather than a second floor. There are security bars on the windows which is good. Also, I think it would need some internet/cable TV connections installed. Same rent but the added bonus of my own private laundry. Last stop was the grocery store. Not as crowded as the last few times. No Lysol spray but I did get a small container of wipes. I ordered some online so the small container will last until those come in. I lost another 3 pounds. Sad face. I'm trying to eat more. No more ventures outside today. Tomorrow is my next psychologist appointment. I do still need to go get my driver license for this state, but the wait is 2 hours. That's a big NOPE!

My point is, I am seeing a specialist. I don't know where you got the idea I'm seeing a "talk therapist " because I never said that. And I see a specialist for my other medical conditions. I always have. Something I would like to add...I have only seen my psychologist 3 times. I was diagnosed mid June. I don't feel like I should be "healed" after 3 visits. It's going to take more time than that.

I meant people who live in different households who think because they're related they a) won't contract the virus and b) can't pass it to one another. Same with friends and dating couples who don't live together. So they have get togethers and then are surprised when they get sick. "I thought it would be OK!!!" is a common theme. My friend's excuse for traveling out of state to visit friends is he hasn't seen his friends in a long time. I don't think the virus cares about that. My brother wanted to visit. I told him he could as long as we stay socially distant and we both wear masks. He goes to work only about one day a week and follows safety protocols but still...same with my son and his spouse. Both of them are working so we meet up outside and wear masks. Trust me, I'd love to hug my kids but we just can't right now. Just "unfollowed" another friend. Jeez, I am going to have a slim friend list after this! But that's OK, it's just social media.

I'm able to laugh at those who are still insisting Covid doesn't exist and it's a liberal media hoax. They have no evidence to support this except for some tin foil hat conspiracy theories (such as, the doctors and nurses interviewed on news media are "actors"). A friend of mine is currently caring for his grandmother who was hospitalized for Covid. He's not an actor, I assure you! I also find it interesting that my cousins who insisted on the "hoax" theory have been silent ever since their areas have become hot spots. Believe me, I would love it if it weren't real. But it is. I only look at the news for a few minutes to stay informed and then switch over to something like the YouTube videos I enjoy. And I just sigh at the people who insist on invading those videos (that are not about anything remotely connected to the pandemic) to spout their conspiracy theories. I'm like, don't you have something to do? Right now I have a beach house renovation show on in the background. I love houses and architecture. My neighborhood has some absolutely lovely historical homes. I'm in treatment because obviously it is taking over my life, but I am trying to do more to focus on other things. I am a little excited about going to see this apartment tomorrow. I am not sure I'd even be able to move (just in case I do decide to leave my job, my income would probably be greatly reduced) but it's kind of exciting to see it and maybe be able to improve my life just a little bit. I am still hoping we get a handle on the pandemic, too. I feel like people are going to get angry about the lack of responsibility from the highest government officials and will start behaving better. And I'm no medical professional but it seems to me that there are fewer cases resulting in death which might indicate the virus is becoming weaker the more it spreads. If it could get down to where people can recover without having to be hospitalized, maybe it will eventually become weak enough to eventually kill itself. I don't know, I could be completely off base. But inside me I still have hope things will get better.

I went for a short walk this morning. I kind of forced myself to get up fairly early and get out there. It started out great, very few people out and I was able to avoid almost everyone. The closest people came within no more than about 5 feet for just a few seconds. I only lasted about 10 minutes and then was heading back home. Then, here came the people! Both sides of the street, up and down, nowhere to go to get away. So I was going to get some things out of my car and just head inside. Then I saw my downstairs neighbor whose car was parked behind me loading his surfboard onto his car. Jeez! So I went around the corner and came back and he was still there. So I said "good morning" to him and went inside. A few minutes later he left and I went back downstairs to get my stuff. Next week is full...I have a primary care doctor appointment Monday morning, then an appointment to see an apartment. This apartment has washer/dryer hookups so I wouldn't have to go to a laundromat anymore. I would have to buy the appliances but I am sure I can find a good deal somewhere. I would need to go through the stress of moving again but this time I can have family help me and I know they would be much more mindful of being careful and not be setting my furniture down in the street! And I will probably grab some groceries afterward. Tuesday I see my psychologist. I might do laundry that morning. Wednesday I am going to try the DMV but if there's a big line I will not go in. Thursday I have an appointment for a Covid test. I don't believe I've been exposed but I want to be able to see my kids a bit more and I will feel more comfortable being around them if I get a negative test. Nothing scheduled for Friday since my Friday's have been bad for the past two weeks. I think I do better when I have things I have to do. Otherwise I get too used to sitting in my apartment and I don't want to get to the point where I can't leave at all. I do need to force myself to (as safely as possible) go do things.

This song always gives me chills. So beautiful. And that voice! Never Enough (from The Greatest Showman, this is the actual singer)

The virus doesn't ask if you know one another before jumping from one person to the next. It doesn't ask if you're friends or if you share DNA and then decide to skip over because you know one another. And "knowing" someone doesn't make them OR you immune. Plus, as she should know, her mask protects others and their masks protect her. And if everyone wears masks that is even more protection. My brother told me one of his friends invited him to an event. He told her he wasn't comfortable and she said "wear a mask!!!" Again, if other people are not wearing masks he is not protected. Another thing is when people tell me I shouldn't be afraid. Bring hand sanitizer, they say! Bring wipes! How does hand sanitizer protect me from people who are not wearing masks and are crowding around me? Am I supposed to splash them with hand sanitizer? Shove the wipe down their throat? For me it's obvious. The information is out there, widely available. The virus is primarily transmitted person to person through their respiratory droplets. I don't see how dousing my hands with sanitizer is going to do anything about that. And if I'm the only one wearing a mask I am basically unprotected. Last night I was doing what I thought was a benign activity, watching a YouTube video. But in the comments someone was carrying on and on about the "hoax". He says it is NOT real, the people who claim to have Covid have been lied to by their doctors, the hospitals are pretending to have Covid patients to "control" the minds of population, etc. Only one other person agreed with him. For the most part people ignored this person and just chatted about the video and other pleasant things. But holy cow, people seriously believe this stuff. I wonder how many more people have to get sick and die before they start believing it.

I am seeing a clinical psychologist and a primary care doctor (MD). They are coordinating my care. I do not believe their diagnosis and treatment are either inaccurate or unprofessional. I'm not sure why you think they are inaccurate or unprofessional. Wiseman, I am sure you are trying to help. But telling me the treatment I am receiving is unprofessional and inaccurate isn't super helpful. You are making assumptions that my care team is unprofessional. In fact, they are excellent and are working with me to overcome my condition.

So jealous! My hair is still black underneath and a weird conglomeration of black and gray on top which isn't quite salt and pepper. I got it cut short partly to get rid of the Cruella de Ville look I'd been sporting. I want either full on salt and pepper or a nice silvery color.

Is your natural hair color a dark color? If so, you might need to strip the color out before applying the new color. My natural hair color is jet black. The only dye that took other than my natural color was a temporary blue. And now that it's about 75% gray I can't get any color to stick.

Ah, The Greatest.

Somewhat relevant but with differences. My anxiety is reality based. Not to say that poster's fears are completely not reality based, but my fear is a result of an extreme anxious reaction to a very real threat. I am currently in treatment. My psychologist agrees with the method of starting small and building up. My goal is not to be comfortable being in crowds (because currently that could literally be life-threatening) but to enable me to return to work. I will feel much more comfortable starting with a smaller group and then, once I see that I am OK and nothing awful has happened, being more comfortable adapting to an environment that requires me to be part of a larger group. I am also seeing my primary doctor Monday to look into medication options. Again, because right now my anxiety is not allowing me to function the way I should be and need to. I am willing to try whatever it takes to relieve this extreme, debilitating anxiety. I do appreciate you replying and providing help. It means more than you think to have people (even people I haven't met in person) responding and offering help and suggestions. Hope you are having a good Independence Day weekend (or just weekend in general if you're not a United States resident!)

One thing I haven't been able to do (with the exception of my panic attack Wednesday night) is cry. I feel like a good cry might help relieve some of the extreme stress I'm feeling. There's a film that has one scene that never fails to make me cry. It doesn't touch on fear or anxiety but rather grief. But I'm seriously considering watching it just so I can have a good, stress-relieving cry. I'm also wanting to try a walk tomorrow. Not today, because I presume there will be crowds at the bluff overlooking the beach near my apartment due to Independence Day, but tomorrow. My son and I went for a walk a couple of Sundays ago fairly early and there was almost no one out walking. I feel like easing into being around people (not large crowds; no one should be doing that right now in my area) is the best way to go. I compare it to treating someone who has a fear of flying. You don't have someone who has extreme flying phobia get on a 16 hour flight to Tokyo or Australia. You ease them into it. Yes, some schools of thought believe in the "throw them into the deep end to force them to swim" mentality but all that does is exacerbate my fear and anxiety. I want to start small and build up, otherwise I fear I will get so scared I'll just quit. And I don't want to quit. Pet peeve! People who call it "Fourth of July" rather than "Independence Day". We don't call it the 25th of December or the 31st of December. That would be silly. That has always bugged me lol.

That's the problem. My anxiety is based on reality. My fears are not manufactured out of nowhere but are caused by something that is very real and has proven in many cases to be either be extremely debilitating or deadly. My anxiety can't be treated like it normally would, with my psychologist encouraging me to try to be around people. Right now that is the very last thing I should be doing. Your country was held up as an example of how the pandemic should be handled. I saw a program where the steps your country took were detailed. People did not politicize mask wearing and did not complain that wearing a mask violated their freedom. At least, it didn't seem like too many of them did. Here, individual beliefs are valued far above the health and welfare of the general population. And I'll stop there, because this is your journal.

That's great news. My state is one of the worst. Probably 3rd or 4th most new cases percentage-wise in the past couple of weeks. People are spreading it like crazy. So in the meantime I will just have to start tying my hair up. I just ordered hair ties. Hopefully before I return to work it will be safe enough for me to go.

I bet it feels great. I had an appointment for last Wednesday but I cancelled it. I didn't feel ready to be in close contact with a person for that long. Even with both of us wearing masks. I would like to try maybe in a couple of weeks.