gallway

Detox, here's something that's helped me. It's a way to approach thinking about no-contact. I gave lip service to the idea of wanting my ex to be happy no matter what...but in the back of my mind was the idea that she would be happiest with me. At one point I decided to believe my ex when she said she was happier without me. I decided to give her what she wanted. I was always looking for ways to make her happy when the answer was obvious: pissing off was the best thing I could do to make her happy. Every day when I fought not to pick up the phone, or wrote a letter that never got mailed I knew I was doing something FOR HER. It made me feel less helpless. It was a gesture of respect for her feelings, and of my faith and strength. I used my passion to stop me from using my passion...the irony will make you cry, but just let it flow. After perhps three months of NC the emails and calls came. I've been keeping my cool for the most part, and have never pleaded or begged, but I'm certain what made it all possible was my own self control and commitment to making her happy in the long run, even if it killed me in the short term. That's love, at least a symptom of love. This idea won't be lost on your ex either. If she knows how you feel about her then she'll put two and two together eventually. My big dilemma is whether or not to tell her about this some time. Maybe that would take away some of it's power. Anyway, maybe if you come at it this way you'll have an easier time. You're doing something FOR HER (and it's about all you CAN do) every time you don't call.

So yadda, yadda, yadda, we were together for 7 years, broke up six months ago, were good friends until 3 months ago, stopped talking (her idea), and she got a new boyfriend. In the meantime I did what I needed to do... big time... I finished my PhD, landed an incredible job, moved up to a sweet place in San Francisco (she lives in Oakland) and have been burning through my signing bonus. Okay guys, I cheated a little. I initiated contact by sending a bulk email to everyone I knew with my new address...I included her. She freaked out and called a mutual friend minutes later (good sign?). So she emailed me asking the usual questions and I sent her a nice reply. Now she wants to meet for a drink. I said yes, of course. She's telling our mutual friend (who's sympathetic to the idea of us getting back together) that she'll never get back together with me and she just wants to be "casual friends" so it's pretty clear she's still hurting from our breakup. Still, it looks like she's curious, and why shouldn't she be? Things are going great. So now we're going to have a drink next week! I have to admit I'm really nervous! I know I have to act casual, but part of me worries that this will be the last time I see her so I want to be ready to tell her "everything." I probably won't; I'll have to feel out the situation, but either way it looks like no contact may be working. Any advice from those of you who've been this far? I've read many posts and I think I have a good handle on it. Wish me luck!

I've gotten some insight from professionals that may benefit you guys. Obviously all of our situations are unique but maybe I can make some general comments. First off, there is nothing wrong with sharing your emotions with your ex if you do it in an honest, tactful way. BUT, you must be willing to admit to yourself that this is where your control ends. There is also the question of the motivation behind the contact. Do you want to "say your piece" or try to re-establish communication? If you're interested in re-establishing communication you need to be careful. Say what you need to say in a way that is likely to get you heard. How? First, don't send one long letter or email out of the blue. Ask "when would be a good time to talk?" Let the ex prepare and pick a time...if any. It is a sign of respect to let the ex have a say about the schedule. You don't want to be overpowering or a bully. You don't want to seem out of control. ALso, if the ex says "no" you won't have put everything out there...it will still be yours. Letters are often re-interpreted by mood. Try to talk on the phone, or even better in person. Like most advice here says, make the changes you need to make to better yourself so no matter what happens you'll have that to move on with. If you know your changes have real value it's natural to want your ex to see too, and there's nothing wrong with attempting to do just that, but ALWAYS remember the changes have value even if the ex doesn't see them. Once you've done all you can to re-establish contact it's out of your hands. Be ready for rejection. Fear of rejection breaks up a large percentage of relationships so risking contact with the ex is risking rejection. If fear of rejection caused your breakup, as it did mine, then you can demonstrate to yourself and your ex that you've overcome that problem by risking it again through making contact. This may sound like a mind game, but the logic is tight, for as much as logic is worth in these cases.

Hi all. My case is pretty typical. Obviously we all wouldn't be here if we didn't have 80% of our feelings in common. Long story short 6 years on, 6 months as friends, 2 months of "no contact." So I've been in therapy for a while and one thing that's come out of it is my fear of rejection made me keep my ex at arm's length. Well, I'm over it in a big way. It may be too little too late but I am seriously considering re-establishing contact as friends, seeing the ex once or twice to be sure we still get along, and if we do just asking her to marry me. What's the worst that can happen? She says "no?" What do I have to lose really, we don't talk as it is? A few friends say I'd be risking my dignity by popping the question like that, especially considering she's casually, but exclusively, seeing someone else. I guess I disagree. I'll play it by ear and go with my heart on this one, but I was wondering if this type of thing has occurred to anyone out there.

Hey man, just a bit of moral support. My ex and split in October after 7 years of living together because I didn't want to get married...I didn't know what I had. Anyway, we were friends but we agreed not to talk a month ago after I told her I wanted her back. Anyway, the problem with the advice you're hearing in this forum is that it seems so simple, and yet is so difficult to follow. We're all going through similar stuff. The backstories are different, but we wouldn't be here if we weren't basically in the same boat. One thing I'd highly reccommend is seeing a counselor. My insurance covers 10 visits for free and I've gotten alot out of it. No drugs, no psycho-babble, just talking things over....especially when your friends are tired of hearing about it! There's no way to know what's going to happen, but the best thing to do is cover your own bases. I left graduate school right before finishing my PhD, took a high-intensity white-collar job, moved, bought a new car, and dated half a dozen new women. Making some changes helped me feel in control, though at the end of the day the love is still there. Anyway, think about changing your surroundings/lifestyle. If you ever see her again she'll see it in your eyes and that could make all the difference. Good luck!! I know this sucks.