Tyresee Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 I messaged her around 10 AM when I woke up to say good morning , then sent 4 other random things like memes and such for her to view when she wakes up. She messages me at 1 AM and this is how the conversation went: Her: Will check it out. Her: How come you haven’t messaged much today? Me: ? Me: Define much [Note: I’m confused because like I said before, I sent her 4 other things across a 3 hour period before.. wondering why this isn’t enough.. especially when she’s probs busy or sleeping.. idk what she’s doing at this point] Her: Like usually you message more.. Her: I just haven’t heard from you much aside from the wiz thing or the song suggestion Her: You didn’t text me what you’re doing or anything, which is what you usually do. Her: So idk. Her: Even now you’re giving shorter responses so I don’t know what to think. Me: I was super tired when I read them originally such that when I woke up, I forgot you sent them. [Note: I woke up around 6 am and read them but legitimately forgot about it] Me: And what were you doing between 8:44 am [Note: she wakes up around 7 am- 8am to walk her dog then goes back to sleep.. she messaged me last at 8:44 am] till now? Her: I fell asleep. I thought that was pretty obvious when I said I did all my morning tasks and was in my room again Her: Don’t turn this back on me Me: Are you okay? I’m just asking you a question. Me: No one is turning anything back on you. Please relax. Me : Where did you say you did all your morning tasks? Can’t seem to find that [Note there was no text saying she did all her morning tasks] Her: I am calm - do not tell me to relax. It’s just hilarious that if tables were turned you’d have been all upset. Her: I already said “Morning honey. Walked latte and zorro in the rain. Was talking to mom, now back in my room” Her: What does that imply to you Her: There’s only 1 thing I need to do every morning. Walk the dog or dogs. Me: That doesn’t equate to “All my morning tasks” I don’t know what all your morning tasks entail.. your tasks vary from day to day Me: So no, I’m not going to assume you slept Me: Please don’t expect me to Her: Lol how.. I wake up, do the same thing everyday, hit the bed again Her: So please educate me on how they vary Her: You’re just going into semantics now so you can blame me for something I didn’t do Instead of talking about you. Her: ...yet again. [Note: We’ve been together for 2.5 years and been through things like this countless times.. so I’m not entertaining it anymore] Me: Look I’m not really interested in holding this conversation with you if you’re going to act like this... not really sure why I deserve all this but okay. I’m sorry for not telling you I’ve been in my room all day working on my project and not responding to your other messages because i forgot/was busy. I have deadlines to meet so don’t expect many responses from me. [Note: I have an important project that I’m working on that I tell her about all the time and share my progress with] Her: Lol yup, easy escape with excuses like always. Her: Do what you have to. You’re not worth my time to be upset about. Her: Even if I’m genuinely talking or addressing a question, it’s considered as “if you’re going to act like this” so do as you please. I’m exhausted trying to talk to you when you get like this. Her: Oh and parting thought, sorry’s don’t have any value if you don’t mean them or you’re just saying them for the pleasure of the other individual. I sooo don’t need that lol. Especially from a person who thinks me talking to them is “being upset” or being some kinda way. You not messaging me is not worth losing my cool. [Note: When I apologize, they’re Note genuine and when I don’t apologize, I’m told I never apologize.. catch 22?] Her: I no longer will discuss this or raise anything questions like this ever again. I’ve learnt that every time you easily run away from the matter without bearing any responsibility because every-time the something like this is raised, you are “busy” or “with tighter deadlines”. So be busy :) no longer will discuss this or raise anything questions like this ever again. .... So what did I do so wrong? With the first message she sent this morning, i knew bad news was coming.. It’s kinda silly that because I didn’t message more than 5 times and told her that I was in my room working on my project, I got all of that bs. I usually tell her if I’m going somewhere outside my house or eating bht she expects me to tell her every little detail. I genuinely apologized for I know she likes to be up to date with everything.. but seriously? What I do to deserve this? Help?? Link to comment
Cope Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 Um. Why do you guys have to know exactly what the other one is doing at every moment? Link to comment
Tyresee Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 Right? I’m really posting here b/c I’m gonna go insane if I don’t get second opinions on this kind of stuff. I appreciate any responses however female replies would be beneficial so I can see the problem from a different perspective Link to comment
Cope Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 I'm female, I've never behaved like this but I have had bfs who have. It's not a gender thing. Link to comment
Cope Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 It also seems as you're doing the same. Link to comment
Tyresee Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 I’m sorry, that’s my fault for assuming. When you said “you guys” it seemed like you were a guy talking about females who do similar things. My fault again. How does it seem like I’m doing the same? I’d love to hear your feedback Link to comment
Billie28 Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 Stop texting her every time you make a sandwich, turn on the tv, take a ! She has become conditioned to expecting it and when she doesn’t hear about how you have no pickles to put on your sandwich , she starts to think there is something wrong. You both need to grow up and stop bickering. Tell her that in future texts will be exchanged only when one or other isn’t available to have an actual chat on the phone. Link to comment
Tyresee Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 Ive told her this before: I like being updated if she’s leaving the house, about to sleep or nap or if she’s going to be busy for a long period of time. This is because if I don’t hear from her for a long time, I worry (I’m sure this is normal) so a heads up is nice. If she forgets every now and then, it’s not the end of the world but consistently is a problem for me Link to comment
Tyresee Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 You’re right about the conditioning thing. I’ve come to this realization and I’m trying to dial it back little by little Link to comment
Cope Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 "Me: And what were you doing between 8:44 am [Note: she wakes up around 7 am- 8am to walk her dog then goes back to sleep.. she messaged me last at 8:44 am] till now?" "I don’t know what all your morning tasks entail" -You do know what she does. "Her: I am calm - do not tell me to relax. It’s just hilarious that if tables were turned you’d have been all upset. " - I believe her, because you're mentioning what time she wakes up, when she answered you etc. Link to comment
Cope Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 Ive told her this before: I like being updated if she’s leaving the house, about to sleep or nap or if she’s going to be busy for a long period of time. This is because if I don’t hear from her for a long time, I worry (I’m sure this is normal) so a heads up is nice. If she forgets every now and then, it’s not the end of the world but consistently is a problem for me Personally, I don't find it normal, but if it works for you, cool. Does it? How many hours are you ok with her not texting you? Link to comment
Tyresee Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 Yes I understand what you mean. I do know what time (approximately) she wakes up and all but why I’m saying is sometimes what she does in the morning is different. She told me that she wants to start applying for jobs in the morning and stay awake after she walks her dogs. All I’m saying is that I’m not going to assume anything. I made that quite clear to her for a long time now because in the past I’d get penalized for doing so. Link to comment
Tyresee Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 Personally, I don't find it normal, but if it works for you, cool. Does it? How many hours are you ok with her not texting you? Yes, I’m cool with that and I’ve shared this with her before. I’m not insane and go nuts if I don’t hear from her for 4 hours. If it gets to around 5-6 hours then I start wondering b/c I know she’s almost always close to her phone so I don’t see why she wouldn’t message Link to comment
Cope Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 Look, I don't know who started this, but what I see is both of you are indulging in it. What does it matter if she wanted to wake up earlier and she didn't? What does it matter if you didn't send as many texts as another day? All of this show insecurity from both sides. You say you can't assume what she's doing at any time. This sounds normal, but from the texts, I sense that it's not that you just can't assume, but that you're worried. Correct me if I'm wrong please! Link to comment
Riri2019 Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 Okay, so here's the deal, as i read your text, the first thing that came in my mind is that it's totally normal i swear. I'm in an almost 1 year relationship, and we still have this kind of issues. Let me explain, since i stand in the girl position, i know how it feels to be away from your beloved one, i'm not sure if i can make you get the idea, but the thing is, we want to be aware of every little detail (maybe not all girls are), but for myself (and looks like your girl is kinda similar) i feel more safe and secure when my partner takes time to tell me how was his day and what he did (even if sometimes it's not much or it's just a simple routine), it makes me feel more present in his life and more informed. This is just an example, but i remembered a week-end where he got sick and didn't tell me (while he told a friend), and i got verry pissed off when i knew that from his friend and not from him. Women are kind of possessive and curious, so this first thing is natural. The second thing is, i know that we tend to not realise that you might be tired or what kind of situation you are in, but this is a way to get your attention, even if it's selfish somehow. And for the "ignoring and not answeting part", well you must be sure that there is a reason for that (girls are overthinkers). However, well that doesn't mean you should accept it, try to find a good way to deal with it and figure out what's wrong.. matters like this shouldn't take a big part of your relationship, like you shouldn't make this a big deal all the time, try to see the bigger picture and find a better way to communicate and feel that there is attention and care between the two of you, because in the end this is a matter of "communication" and it's important not to neglect such a thing. Beside, this is an advice but try to be as direct and simple when you say something, it will make things easier and will avoid the furious talk. Good luck. Link to comment
Annia Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 Ive told her this before: I like being updated if she’s leaving the house, about to sleep or nap or if she’s going to be busy for a long period of time. This is because if I don’t hear from her for a long time, I worry (I’m sure this is normal) so a heads up is nice. If she forgets every now and then, it’s not the end of the world but consistently is a problem for me Does she live in a dangerous area? Is that why you like knowing when she leaves the house? Link to comment
Cope Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 @Riri2019 No, women are not possessive, curious and over thinkers. Those are traits of human beings in general. Bad ones too. Asking how your partner's day is normal, checking in every single moment is not. Link to comment
Annia Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 Look, I don't know who started this, but what I see is both of you are indulging in it. What does it matter if she wanted to wake up earlier and she didn't? What does it matter if you didn't send as many texts as another day? All of this show insecurity from both sides. You say you can't assume what she's doing at any time. This sounds normal, but from the texts, I sense that it's not that you just can't assume, but that you're worried. Correct me if I'm wrong please! I'd feel suffocated and utterly uncomfortable if my boyfriend questioned me about when I woke up, I needed to tell him when I get out home or would insist in knowing why I woke earlier than I said I would or had to know my morning or daily routines in general and check on them. This is creepy and controlling. This is too much from both of you and I don't see the big deal in all of these nor a reason to argue. Let each other breath for god sake. Link to comment
Tyresee Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 Sorry if I’m speaking like you know who we are, I’ll try to be more descriptive so you have a better understanding of the situation. It doesn’t matter what time she wakes up tbh, she could wake up early because she wants to get Saturday cleaning out of the way or sleep in because it’s a Saturday. Like I was saying before, aside from normal conversations, I only expect texts when I’m not going to hear from her for awhile. I don’t feel insecure at all rather it’s a safety concern for me. My focus isn’t on that part of the conversation tho, I’m trying to figure out how it even became a problem in the first place. I literally felt no way throughout the whole convo as I was busy with my project but then she kept saying I’m “turning it back on her” and is being argumentative. I ended the conversation respectfully because my project is very important and she knows that, apologized and told her I love her. Why couldn’t she just move on? She went on to say I’m making excuses and am not actually sorry. Like I’m just tired of hearing these things Link to comment
Cope Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 I don't know you that's true, I'm just writing what i get off from your posts. I'm gonna have to quote Annia here and ask again, does she live in a dangerous area? Does she have restraining orders against anyone? What kind of safety are you worried about? I too would feel suffocated if I had to check in with my partner so often, unless there was a good reason, like very good. Link to comment
Tyresee Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 Okay, so here's the deal, as i read your text, the first thing that came in my mind is that it's totally normal i swear. I'm in an almost 1 year relationship, and we still have this kind of issues. Let me explain, since i stand in the girl position, i know how it feels to be away from your beloved one, i'm not sure if i can make you get the idea, but the thing is, we want to be aware of every little detail (maybe not all girls are), but for myself (and looks like your girl is kinda similar) i feel more safe and secure when my partner takes time to tell me how was his day and what he did (even if sometimes it's not much or it's just a simple routine), it makes me feel more present in his life and more informed. This is just an example, but i remembered a week-end where he got sick and didn't tell me (while he told a friend), and i got verry pissed off when i knew that from his friend and not from him. Women are kind of possessive and curious, so this first thing is natural. The second thing is, i know that we tend to not realise that you might be tired or what kind of situation you are in, but this is a way to get your attention, even if it's selfish somehow. And for the "ignoring and not answeting part", well you must be sure that there is a reason for that (girls are overthinkers). However, well that doesn't mean you should accept it, try to find a good way to deal with it and figure out what's wrong.. matters like this shouldn't take a big part of your relationship, like you shouldn't make this a big deal all the time, try to see the bigger picture and find a better way to communicate and feel that there is attention and care between the two of you, because in the end this is a matter of "communication" and it's important not to neglect such a thing. Beside, this is an advice but try to be as direct and simple when you say something, it will make things easier and will avoid the furious talk. Good luck. Thank you so much for that! You’re right, it’s definitely a communication thing. I definitely need to grab a book or something because I like to think I’m a logical thinker, if I need to solve for x, find the steps but obviously add meaning and love into the equation. She’s not really like that and I feel as tho her decisions are made more from her feelings which make the problem so hard to diagnose.. But anyways I appreciate your advice, I’ll try to be more direct and sailors. Thank you! Link to comment
Tyresee Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 Does she live in a dangerous area? Is that why you like knowing when she leaves the house? No she doesn’t live in a dangerous area but anything happens these days and I’m not taking any chances. Why would I? I see this girl as someone I want to be with long-term so I’m going to make sure she’s safe Link to comment
Tyresee Posted May 26, 2019 Author Share Posted May 26, 2019 I don't know you that's true, I'm just writing what i get off from your posts. I'm gonna have to quote Annia here and ask again, does she live in a dangerous area? Does she have restraining orders against anyone? What kind of safety are you worried about? I too would feel suffocated if I had to check in with my partner so often, unless there was a good reason, like very good. No she doesn’t live in a dangerous area but anything happens these days and I’m not taking any chances. Why would I? I see this girl as someone I want to be with long-term so I’m going to make sure she’s safe. I do feel suffocated time to time.. Messaging her less day by day (at a rate that’s not very noticeable) seems to be one way to fix this problem Link to comment
Cope Posted May 26, 2019 Share Posted May 26, 2019 Even if you're being honest (to yourself) about why you want her to check in so often, being so anxious that something might happen is not normal. Are you usually this anxious in other departments too? Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.