Help help help!!

I have never turned to the internet for help in my personal life before but i am desperate for any advice i can get here.

Il try keep this as to the point as possible. Me and my now ex, were in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 beautiful children. The first 3 years were the happiest either of us have ever been and we were engaged to be married. The next 2 years that followed were what can only be described as hell of earth... For both of us. Long story short, i was having to deal with mental health issues and went into a dark dark depression. I had a brief relationship before and have another child whom i was seeing on a regular basis and my daughter was staying with us every week. Her mother then decided to just get up and leave, taking my daughter with her. I was acting like a selfish whilst going through this stage in my life. It drove my ex bonkers and we grew apart. We split up 8 months ago and i have been obsessed with her ever since. I have been to the doctors and had professional help for my depression. Mentally, i now feel in a good place but i am just absolutely torn apart i have lost the love of my life. I chased and chased to get her back for 8 months there and was being told she didn't want anything to do with me anymore and did not love me. I was inconsolable and was trying really hard to accept this. Few weeks ago i did a stupid stupid thing and slept with another girl for the first time since i met my ex. This happened a few times. I wasn't even enjoying it and it was a total disaster. i guess i was lonely and trying to move on and accept my ex did not love me anymore. She had kissed a guy a few months ago apparently and this also pushed me over the edge to eventually sleep with someone else even though i wasn't ready. Anyway, the other night, i was at my exes house helping with the kids and we ended up having the most amazing sex ever. I told her afterwards(yes maybe i should have mentioned it beforehand) , that i had been with someone else and i broke down about it, albeit after she pretty much forced my hand to tell her. i have lied to her in the past, about trivial things although still lying nonetheless. She accepted what i told her and maintains she hasnt slept with anyone else. I cut this other girl off immediately, it wasn't even a thing, and i hooked up with my ex again 2 days later. The sex is unbelievable and she admits its the best she's ever had and i agree. She now says she is willing to keep seeing each other but for sex only as she doesnt think she cud get passed the fact i had been with someone else. In my defense, my ex was completely cutting me off, telling me she didn't want anything to do with me and didn't love me, so i was convinced we were through and i acted out of jealousy, anger and loneliness. My ex really is everything to be even though i hadn't been able to show it for some time. biggest regret of my life not treating her better but i genuinely was going through hell.

The fact we are now sleeping with each other again, talking all the time and generally getting on as good as we have in a looong time. Sounds like i have nothing to moan about? Well, she says she feels she needs to now sleep with someone else as its the only way she thinks shel ever get over the fact i went elsewhere. I have tried to explain to her that the circumstances are completely different if she were to now sleep with someone else and it would destroy the progress we are making here. Like an idiot, part of me wants her to just do it and get it over with. The other part of me knows how much it will crush me and i am just back in this depressive state where i dont know where to go or what to do. This girl really means everything to me and i want to spend the rest of my life with her we just need a fresh start. Someone help me pleaseeeee lol. Sorry for rambling on a bit but any advice would be very much appreciated at this stage....

Thanks x

You might do better with couples' therapy together. Try to look into options like that. You should know the basic rule: it takes two to tango. You are not going to make anything work singlehandedly. If she doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't want to be with you(in the long term/committed sense). You need to respect that and stop trying to weasel anything else. In that case, stop sleeping with her and putting yourself in bad situations. You deserve to move on with your life instead of having all of this weigh you down constantly.

Yes, therapy for both of you is very important. But you have a relationship dilemma here. A girl told me one time that when you marry someone, she is seeing you as a whole person. When you have sex with another woman, it is like you left part of yourself, your body, even if it is just one time. So you came home missing an arm. How will you go around that? What will it take for your wife/ex to see you as you were before? And consider dropping that argument that the situation before was different, that she pushed you away so you did this. Do not pass the blame for what you did to another person and what she did. Own your mistake, be humble, and start from there.

You two are grown up adults who are raising children, yet you are behaving like jealous teenagers playing who likes who.

Seriously the suggestion of her sleeping with someone else to get "even" is beyond childish.

Your dynamic sounds extremely toxic and you should seriously consider therapy for both of you.