a girl with two hearts

HELLO,

Ok. So my freshman year of college when I was 18 (im 22 now) , I had my first boyfriend. He was 6 years older than me. He was literally my first real relationship... and an amazing boyfriend overall: very caring, always there, made sure I was not alone. He was great. We were each others first loves. Him and I were extremely close. Like I was the closest thing to him. At the rate we were going, anyone could have told you they saw marriage for us in the future. We did everything together, and it was a positive relationship for the most part. We were very happy with each other. Very infatuated and in love. Borderline obsessed. He just always protected me and was very connected and in sync with me. We even had a few threesomes together (im bisexual). After being together for three years, we broke up back in March/April. I began to get frustrated with the relationship. He is in nursing school, so his daily activities consist of studying and going to school. He is also a gamer, so he plays a lot when he studies. I too, am a student myself and I go to school, and I also work. I have a life too. At the time of this situation, I was actually working two jobs and was a full time student. Whenever I would have free time, I would always make sure to spend it with him. My time with him was super precious to me so I would always be super excited to see him after work, but then the excitement started to slowly go away because every time I came over, he was always studying or playing his video game. NOW I have NO issue with him studying, considering this is what he needs to do in order to get his Bachelors in Nursing, but my issues more so resonated with the video games. It was almost like I became a side chick to this video game. Even times when he didn't have a test or not as much homework, you would think that he would be focused on spending all our free time together.... no. It would be me laying in his arms, with his video game on the phone right in my face (it was a game on the iPhone, not even like 2k or something played on an Xbox or some ) . This would begin to happen CONSTANTLY. It was like I was just there. Like I would start thinking to myself, "why am I even here?? he is paying me no mind". When I would express to him how I wanted his attention and time, especially when I work a lot and stuff, he would write off my feelings as complaints and say that he uses video games as a way to cope with his studies. I would tell him that I understand that, but my issues were that whenever I am around, just do not do that as often. I tried to tell him to just chill out with it, and even when I asked him to do that, he wouldn't. He just continued. Which would annoy me a lot because nobody wants to be around if they feel that they are not being listened to or not being heard. In addition to that, he would not give me head but always requested it. This was becoming a BIG issue for me. I would ALWAYS ask him to give me head and he would say that he would. but of course, would not do it. I am very sexual when it comes to my partner, so once the sexual chemistry was not seeing eye to eye, it was just becoming wack to me.

I just feel like I always give people all of my attention, simply because I like when people give me all of their attention. I was not getting that from him.

After some time, I just started to feel pushed away and it was to the point where I didn't even want to go to his house anymore like how I used to. I didn't wanna hang out anymore. Because I knew it was going to be the same predictable . I'm gonna come over, watch him study and play video games, smoke, pass out, wake back up and see him doing the same ing . It just became really lame to me... to the point where I was feeling like nothing was going to change. Because I would constantly express my feelings, and they were disregarded. He tries to say that I am impulsive and impatient, which I can attest to. However, it just started to feel like nothing was going to change. As if it was the same redundant conversation all the time. Like, "yeah babe ill stop playing my game ill work on it", "yeah babe Ill give you head more". And i would see NO changes. It was almost as if he was complacent with everything going on. He was so comfortable and confident that I would not go anywhere because we had been together for 3 years and love him. But I was becoming unhappy... and I always ALWAYS expressed that to him. I am a very expressive and emotional person.

I guess I was not the only one here with issues in the relationship. He actually started to get frustrated with me as well towards the end of our relationship. I got a casting gig and he was not okay with the genre of the gig, which I completely understood. However, I was only doing the casting gig as a business opportunity, not because it was a romantic type of genre. Needless to say, he started getting upset with me and did not want to be around me as much either. Eventually we decided to go on a "break"...

Of course we say break because we intended on getting back together. He always told me if I ever slept with anyone else, even if we are not together, he would never be with me again. I never took that threat seriously because I feel that if someone is single you do not have power over them anymore.

During this break, I actually did sleep with someone. I felt entitled to it because I was being ignored for months about things that were bothering me, so I felt like this was MY chance to explore and see what else could possibly be going on out there.. but here is the problem.

So the person I slept with.. he was someone I actually work with at one of my jobs. We always had a connection but never explored it because I was in a relationship. When we started hanging out, I let him know that I was just looking for a spontaneous, fun experience. He knew I had just gotten out of a relationship so he was not trying to pressure anything. He simply was just going with the flow. In my head, I expected this to be a one time thing. I expected us to have one encounter and then that be it, because I just wanted an experience. But i didn't think to myself, "but what if you do like this experience? then what?"...

That leads me to why I am writing on here today. We did it once, and it has not stopped since then. We basically do all the functions of a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship but do not put a title on things. No one at our job knows that we are close like how we are. We literally hang out every day. At the same time however, I still miss my first love. I miss him so much. I miss what we had. And its not because I regret anything, I dont. Its just that I feel that no matter what, I cant let go of the first love. I still cry about him everyday, I still reminisce and think back about the old times we had. I still look at our pictures and tear up. We still talk. He goes thru random modes of blocking me and hating me, because down the line he found out that I did indeed sleep with someone else. He found out because he just knew intuitively and just needed me to confess. When I did, he completely lost it and started bawling in my arms. In all our years of being together, I never saw him break down like that before. It killed me. I will never forget it. Things between us have been rocky since. He is very bipolar with me. In his eyes, I broke his heart. I understand that I hurt him but I feel like he has hurt me too within our relationship, by not listening and doing whatever he wants and writing off things as complaints. Even during the threesomes we have had, he has done certain things that he was NOT supposed to do, and those things hurt me badly. but I always managed to forgive. Not saying that I did anything out of spite, I didn't. In my mind it just shows that some people are more forgiving than others.

Needless to say, all this going on has left me very confused. I hang out with my co worker all the time, and I really really like him. He likes me a lot too. Like we sleep together every night. The sex is REALLY good and he expands my mind in different ways, especially regarding my field. I am a broadcast journalism major. He is helpful in different ways. But I can't talk too much with him about emotions and feelings, which is something that is important to me and I had in common with my ex. Like my co worker isn't as emotional and affectionate. At the same time, I miss the relationship I had with my ex. There are times I want to sit and talk to my co worker and tell him that I want to try things again with my ex. But then at the same time, is that really what I want? Or am I just missing something because it was my norm for 3 whole year? People tell me to figure out what it is that I want. And tbh, I don't even know what it is exactly that I want. Someone just please help me.

xoxox

emogirl

You broke up only half a year ago, it's normal not to be okay. You'll be alright in time.

Don't over think it, maybe take time to yourself to be okay with being single and free?