Broken Hearted and Needing Perspective (Long Post)

Good day, everyone. As the title states, I need some perspective on my situation. Here is my story. Please, if you would indulge a broken heart… My sincere apologies if it's long-winded.

I met a woman a year ago. She was kind, generous, and absolutely gorgeous. We had an amazing first date that I could instantly tell, felt different than any other I'd had in years. Things moved at a relatively decent pace — we dated for a few weeks and made it official on NYE-2018.

THings over the past year seemed so very much as one would hope. There was ease in being together. We shared time, unobtrusive to our schedules; she's a work-o-holic (not by choice) and I am rather independent, so I was not needy, nor bothered by her need to work. We communicated well (so it seemed), spent every moment we could together, making memories and planning adventures. We'd lay in bed some days and just talk all day. Other days, we'd hike a mountain. She was always so considerate, making sure I was happy and content in whatever happened and I was as much considerate of her. There was a calmness to our being and never any pressure to be anything but.

I fell hard for her in a way that I haven't felt for someone in almost 20 years. I felt a love that I never thought I could find again. Things were going so smoothly for the better part of a year, then Hurricane Florence happened…

She had a business trip up to D.C. for a conference. We decided the night before she flew out to stay together. She brought over her bunny for me to watch and a bunch of food, so we could stay in once she returned and weather out the storm together. She left Thursday morning and we texted a bit while she was gone — Basic messages of love and missing each other. Saturday morning came when she returned and within five minutes at my front door, she started crying and told me she needed to tell me something.

While in D.C., her ex, from five years ago, reached out to find out if she was okay, knowing she lived in the path of the storm. One thing led to another and they ended up chatting for nearly two hours. She felt guilty, because this tired up a lot of unaddressed emotions within her and she apologized to me, stating she wanted to be completely honest. She had become extremely confused about how to process what she was feeling. This brought about a sense of confusion and anger in me. I respect my SO enough to allow them to talk to their exes. I can't demand they don't, as it is controlling and insecure, so it wasn't the fact she talked to him that upset me. What upset me was the length to which they talked and the resulting conflict. All the while, I remained in the middle of a hurricane. I told her the she should go home and try to figure out how she felt. While she packed her bunny and clothes up, she bawled. She asked me for a hug, which I denied out of anger (Note: not once did I raise my voice. I remained calm). She left and I paced back and forth trying to process the sickness in my stomach. I called her later once I had settled down and told her how much I loved her and that I would let it go and welcome her back to my place so we could talk and work past it. She thanked me but told me out of respect for our relationship, she was going to stay home to process things. I complied with her decision, though it hurt, especially being alone in the middle of a hurricane.

Two days later she asked to come over. When she arrived, she was a total mess, crying uncontrollably, hugging me like she never wanted to let me go and apologizing. I thought things were looking better. Then as we talked about everything, she started to lay out an entire world that she had been feeling for the past year that completely destroyed me…

Apparently her ex told her he had tried to commit suicide after he broke up with her, because he regretted losing her so much. This triggered in her, a sense of panic, because she felt it was her fault, and the idea of having that much power over someone was terrifying. She didn't want that power over me. obviously, I explained that whatever he chose to do was not on her. He had his own demons and she was not responsible for them. But, because she cared so much for me, she didn't want me to go through that. She couldn't understand how someone could let themselves be vulnerable to a degree at which their heart (metaphorical) was in someone else's hands. What I came to realize, based off of her explanation was that she hadn't opened up to me completely. She hadn't let herself be vulnerable enough with me to really feel love. She didn't know how to love, because she was so hurt by her relationship from so long ago, she had closed herself off and didn't know how to open back up. She felt unworthy of what we had. She had grown insecure, thanks to the manipulation of her ex.

We discussed at length how she spent so much time stressing over being perfect to the degree that it overwhelmed her, preventing her from being able to fully love me. She couldn't enjoy being with me, because our relationship had become transactional in her mind, and her anxiety was overwhelming when we were together and she couldn't live in the moment. She would be eager for said moment to be over so she didn't have to stress. Once all was said and done, we decided to take a break for a couple weeks so she could reset and we could start over with clear communication and openness.

Two days into our break she came over to talk. She was in an even worse mess than before, crying uncontrollably and heart-broken. It was at this point that she sabotaged it all. She proceeded to break-up with me. Over the next couple hours she explained how she just couldn't get past the anxiety and stress of it all. She re-iterated over and over how much she loved me, but didn't want me to wait for her. She spoke about how we want different things, i.e. I want to sail, she wants a farm. She might have to move a lot for her job, I want us to settle in New England. I'm not sure about kids (I can be convinced), she wants two. She was trying to solve every decision of our life together all at once and without my input. Obviously, these are all things that can be settled through communication and consideration. I have always been willing to compromise and she knew that. Plus, none of the things we want couldn't be had all together. I can sail while we have a farm and children, later after we've moved around the country for several years with her job. But, she couldn't see this. She couldn't see that these are normal problems that EVERY couple faces down the line and they tackle them together as they come, a day at a time, not all at once and by yourself… In the end kept telling her how "love is something you fight for, not run from" — how "what we had was amazing" and that "she's over thinking everything." The entire time, she was bawling. We held eachother and I could tell that leaving me was the last thing she wanted to do. She said that she has never felt loved as much as I made her feel it. She said I never did a single thing wrong by her and there was nothing I needed to change about myself. Over and over she told me how much she loved me, but that there was just too much to deal with.

We held each other by her car. I told her "to find peace and happiness in herself," because it was obvious she had yet to find it. She promised she would find it and she spoke of finding her way back to me. I'm not sure that the latter will come, as it will take much time for that inner happiness to find her. Her insecurity and inexperience in true love hindered the beautiful thing we had cultivated over the last year and her ex manipulated her into this entire situation.

So, her I am, a week and a half into being single, when two weeks ago, things were perfect. I am utterly destroyed. My heart is in pieces and I don't know what to think of all of this. What happened? Was everything we had over the last year not real? Does she really love me? Did I do anything wrong? Why did this happen when everything felt so right? I need your help to decipher all of this. Do you think she'll realize what she's given up, or that she'll brush it under, like she did with her manipulative ex? I can't tell up from down at this point.

Thank you for taking time to read my story. If you made it this far, and want to share insight and/or opinions please do. Anything would help at this point. I am awash in sorrow.

Good day, everyone. As the title states, I need some perspective on my situation. Here is my story. Please, if you would indulge a broken heart… My sincere apologies if it's long-winded.

 

I met a woman a year ago. She was kind, generous, and absolutely gorgeous. We had an amazing first date that I could instantly tell, felt different than any other I'd had in years. Things moved at a relatively decent pace — we dated for a few weeks and made it official on NYE-2018.

 

THings over the past year seemed so very much as one would hope. There was ease in being together. We shared time, unobtrusive to our schedules; she's a work-o-holic (not by choice) and I am rather independent, so I was not needy, nor bothered by her need to work. We communicated well (so it seemed), spent every moment we could together, making memories and planning adventures. We'd lay in bed some days and just talk all day. Other days, we'd hike a mountain. She was always so considerate, making sure I was happy and content in whatever happened and I was as much considerate of her. There was a calmness to our being and never any pressure to be anything but.

 

I fell hard for her in a way that I haven't felt for someone in almost 20 years. I felt a love that I never thought I could find again. Things were going so smoothly for the better part of a year, then Hurricane Florence happened…

 

She had a business trip up to D.C. for a conference. We decided the night before she flew out to stay together. She brought over her bunny for me to watch and a bunch of food, so we could stay in once she returned and weather out the storm together. She left Thursday morning and we texted a bit while she was gone — Basic messages of love and missing each other. Saturday morning came when she returned and within five minutes at my front door, she started crying and told me she needed to tell me something.

 

While in D.C., her ex, from five years ago, reached out to find out if she was okay, knowing she lived in the path of the storm. One thing led to another and they ended up chatting for nearly two hours. She felt guilty, because this tired up a lot of unaddressed emotions within her and she apologized to me, stating she wanted to be completely honest. She had become extremely confused about how to process what she was feeling. This brought about a sense of confusion and anger in me. I respect my SO enough to allow them to talk to their exes. I can't demand they don't, as it is controlling and insecure, so it wasn't the fact she talked to him that upset me. What upset me was the length to which they talked and the resulting conflict. All the while, I remained in the middle of a hurricane. I told her the she should go home and try to figure out how she felt. While she packed her bunny and clothes up, she bawled. She asked me for a hug, which I denied out of anger (Note: not once did I raise my voice. I remained calm). She left and I paced back and forth trying to process the sickness in my stomach. I called her later once I had settled down and told her how much I loved her and that I would let it go and welcome her back to my place so we could talk and work past it. She thanked me but told me out of respect for our relationship, she was going to stay home to process things. I complied with her decision, though it hurt, especially being alone in the middle of a hurricane.

 

Two days later she asked to come over. When she arrived, she was a total mess, crying uncontrollably, hugging me like she never wanted to let me go and apologizing. I thought things were looking better. Then as we talked about everything, she started to lay out an entire world that she had been feeling for the past year that completely destroyed me…

 

Apparently her ex told her he had tried to commit suicide after he broke up with her, because he regretted losing her so much. This triggered in her, a sense of panic, because she felt it was her fault, and the idea of having that much power over someone was terrifying. She didn't want that power over me. obviously, I explained that whatever he chose to do was not on her. He had his own demons and she was not responsible for them. But, because she cared so much for me, she didn't want me to go through that. She couldn't understand how someone could let themselves be vulnerable to a degree at which their heart (metaphorical) was in someone else's hands. What I came to realize, based off of her explanation was that she hadn't opened up to me completely. She hadn't let herself be vulnerable enough with me to really feel love. She didn't know how to love, because she was so hurt by her relationship from so long ago, she had closed herself off and didn't know how to open back up. She felt unworthy of what we had. She had grown insecure, thanks to the manipulation of her ex.

 

We discussed at length how she spent so much time stressing over being perfect to the degree that it overwhelmed her, preventing her from being able to fully love me. She couldn't enjoy being with me, because our relationship had become transactional in her mind, and her anxiety was overwhelming when we were together and she couldn't live in the moment. She would be eager for said moment to be over so she didn't have to stress. Once all was said and done, we decided to take a break for a couple weeks so she could reset and we could start over with clear communication and openness.

 

Two days into our break she came over to talk. She was in an even worse mess than before, crying uncontrollably and heart-broken. It was at this point that she sabotaged it all. She proceeded to break-up with me. Over the next couple hours she explained how she just couldn't get past the anxiety and stress of it all. She re-iterated over and over how much she loved me, but didn't want me to wait for her. She spoke about how we want different things, i.e. I want to sail, she wants a farm. She might have to move a lot for her job, I want us to settle in New England. I'm not sure about kids (I can be convinced), she wants two. She was trying to solve every decision of our life together all at once and without my input. Obviously, these are all things that can be settled through communication and consideration. I have always been willing to compromise and she knew that. Plus, none of the things we want couldn't be had all together. I can sail while we have a farm and children, later after we've moved around the country for several years with her job. But, she couldn't see this. She couldn't see that these are normal problems that EVERY couple faces down the line and they tackle them together as they come, a day at a time, not all at once and by yourself… In the end kept telling her how "love is something you fight for, not run from" — how "what we had was amazing" and that "she's over thinking everything." The entire time, she was bawling. We held eachother and I could tell that leaving me was the last thing she wanted to do. She said that she has never felt loved as much as I made her feel it. She said I never did a single thing wrong by her and there was nothing I needed to change about myself. Over and over she told me how much she loved me, but that there was just too much to deal with.

 

We held each other by her car. I told her "to find peace and happiness in herself," because it was obvious she had yet to find it. She promised she would find it and she spoke of finding her way back to me. I'm not sure that the latter will come, as it will take much time for that inner happiness to find her. Her insecurity and inexperience in true love hindered the beautiful thing we had cultivated over the last year and her ex manipulated her into this entire situation.

 

So, her I am, a week and a half into being single, when two weeks ago, things were perfect. I am utterly destroyed. My heart is in pieces and I don't know what to think of all of this. What happened? Was everything we had over the last year not real? Does she really love me? Did I do anything wrong? Why did this happen when everything felt so right? I need your help to decipher all of this. Do you think she'll realize what she's given up, or that she'll brush it under, like she did with her manipulative ex? I can't tell up from down at this point.

 

Thank you for taking time to read my story. If you made it this far, and want to share insight and/or opinions please do. Anything would help at this point. I am awash in sorrow.

I am sorry you are going through this my friend. 3 months ago I was in a similar situation as you. So I am going to be honest with you and I hope you appreciate it......she fed you a bunch of bull. She never got over her ex and healed from that relationship......you were essentially a rebound from her past and when he reached out to her, it triggered an avalanche of she never really healed from. I suspect she is trying to let you down easily and get back with her ex. No girl leaves someone they feel is too good for them. Maybe she will come around, maybe she will not. Be gentle with yourself, delete her from all social media and let her know not to reach out unless its to get back together. Or you will be used and abused in this love triangle. Please don't think its something you do, sometimes people are just unworthy of our time and effort when it comes to love. Just based off your post I can tell your a respectful, intelligent guy who any girl would be lucky to have and that would thank God every day they have you rather than make up some lie about not being good enough for you.

Thank you so much for this. I lightly suspected as much, but there were things that just didn’t make it seem possible. A year together, combined with a five year gap since they were together and her previously telling me how horrible he was to her, all made me think it couldn’t be possible. On top of it all the fact that she seemed so much more upset about ending it than I was (mine was internal), I just couldn’t see it being the case. But I know I can’t dismiss it and it’s the only explanation that makes sense. I appreciate your honesty and your support. Thank you for the compliment, as well. While it may not alleviate the hurt, it does help reinforce my sense of worth and value. It just sucks she chose to ignore it and throw it all away.

Yes i have to agree with Chris here. Bumping into her ex has re-awakened some feelings, certainly not guilt. I suspect she wants to give it another go with him but hasn't the decency to be honest with you about it.

I am sorry you are suffering right now but you seem like a decent guy and after taking some time for yourself you will find someone else better suited.

Would recommend blocking and deleting and going NC. Certainly do not accept an offer of friendship or you will be all over the place emotionally, more so than now.

I am sorry you are suffering right now but you seem like a decent guy and after taking some time for yourself you will find someone else better suited.

 

Would recommend blocking and deleting and going NC. Certainly do not accept an offer of friendship or you will be all over the place emotionally, more so than now.

Thank you. Luckily, I've played it smart and have been NC since she left. I have no intention of reaching out for the specific reason you describe. On the night we broke up, I made the mistake of telling her to reach out if she ever wanted company, but that was the last I spoke to her. I know it's irrelevant to contemplate her thoughts and process, as my focus should stay on myself and my improvement, but I can't help but wonder why she would consider returning to someone who she admitted was the worst person for her. She's extremely intelligent and was able to pinpoint why they didn't work and weren't compatible, but it gobsmacks me that she would give up something that worked so well for something that didn't work at all. The heart is truly an interesting thing.

It really is. When it wants something i think most people find it hard to ignore though regardless of what their head is telling them. All rational thinking is thrown out the window. You seem to be handling the break up well though so should give yourself a pat on the back for that. Handled it very maturely.

Thanks. I'm trying with everything in me. I mourned heavily the first few days, but I've been trying to re-focus. My career and working on improving myself with future goals and going to the gym have helped guide me, but I still fight the urge to dwell on her. I wonder where the line is between feeling the grief and dwelling on it. Are the things I do truly helping, or am I suppressing my anguish, only to set myself up for failure in the future, much like she did?

It's ok to feel down/sad about it ending. It must be a painful time for you. You must allow yourself time. You are doing everything else right. You will get through this i am sure :)

dont repress the feelings when they come. Early on I experienced days of really low lows and really high highs....eventually it gets to a point where your life gets back to normal and the good days heavily outweigh the bad days. I would say you are on the right path right now and just allow yourself to feel

 

Apparently her ex told her he had tried to commit suicide after he broke up with her, because he regretted losing her so much. This triggered in her, a sense of panic, because she felt it was her fault, and the idea of having that much power over someone was terrifying. She didn't want that power over me...

 

Two days into our break she came over to talk. She was in an even worse mess than before, crying uncontrollably and heart-broken. It was at this point that she sabotaged it all. She proceeded to break-up with me....

 

... In the end kept telling her how "love is something you fight for, not run from" — how "what we had was amazing" and that "she's over thinking everything." The entire time, she was bawling. We held each other and I could tell that leaving me was the last thing she wanted to do. She said that she has never felt loved as much as I made her feel it. She said I never did a single thing wrong by her and there was nothing I needed to change about myself. Over and over she told me how much she loved me, but that there was just too much to deal with.

 

But she did in fact leave.

It actually doesn't matter if she was telling you the truth, or trying to stroke your ego a bit to let you down gently. It also doesn't matter that at the time you tried to reason with her, which probably looked like begging and pleading in her mind. Dumping someone gives the dumper some grief, too, except they get to start the process earlier than you do.

We held each other by her car. I told her "to find peace and happiness in herself," because it was obvious she had yet to find it. She promised she would find it and she spoke of finding her way back to me. I'm not sure that the latter will come, as it will take much time for that inner happiness to find her. Her insecurity and inexperience in true love hindered the beautiful thing we had cultivated over the last year and her ex manipulated her into this entire situation.

 

...My heart is in pieces and I don't know what to think of all of this.

She is gone, and this is where you are now - in a life that will go on without her in it.

Will she ever come back? No one knows. Not even her, I'd say.

Right now I'm guessing you want her to come back. This is absolutely normal. It is also normal that over time as your rational brain takes over from your emotional one, you will start to question why you want that.

Whatever you do, do not accept any offer of platonic friendship with her. That will only delay your healing process and draw out the hurt. It will also quite likely kill any chance that she might see you as a romantic partner at some future time.

I suggest you adopt a strict no contact policy. Not for 21 days, or two months - forever. No happy Christmas messages, or random texts.

Actually if you get any contact from her in the next couple of weeks, you should send just one message - "You know this is not what I wanted, but I respect your decision. If you re-think things, give me a call. Otherwise, best of luck. Goodbye."

Work on yourself, for yourself. Exercise, study, work, new hobbies, wealth generation -all the usual advice. Do you build your own sailing boats? Good project, that, if you can do it.

One day she might get curious and contact you. If she does, ask her on a date. Make your position very clear -if you are single then. You probably won't be because another lady is going to find the new improved you attractive and want to be with you, without all this current drama.

Paradoxically, doing this is about the only way you can encourage any thoughts she might have about getting back together. You give her the gift of missing you. Scarcity is attractive. She may well contact you down the line somewhere, but probably not for the reason you want right now.

Whatever you do, do not buy any get-ex-back packages from self proclaimed internet gurus who tell you you can send a magic text in 3 or 4 weeks time to fix everything. They are just telling you what you want to hear to get your money. The only two youtubers worth listening to (IMHO) are Rory at the lovechat, and dating guy. They have some excellent videos that will give you some insight into what is going on inside your brain right now, and how you need to proceed.

This going to be hard. A lot of us have been through it. I went through it earlier this year, and still am. But time is your best ally. Your second best ally is exercise, because it gives you endorphins, which replace the oxcytocin release you got from being in love. So go for a run, or lift some weights, or grind some winches until your arms hurt.

Good luck brother.

Thanks for all your responses, everyone. I've been forcing myself forward as hard as I can. I feel great most days, but always carry that open wound in the back of my mind. I know it will take time for that to heal. It's hard letting go of the hope, obviously. I tell myself it's over, but my heart holds on. I just keep making towards the future and tell myself, what will be, will be.

How are you doing now?