A decade of on-off contact with school friend/crush

Evening everyone. I'm new here, I don't typically post on advice forums but I'm really confused/upset and would like some genuine advice. I'll try not to be too long-winded as this goes back years as you can tell by the title - sorry!

I was friends with a boy in high school, from the age of 11 until 15/16. We weren't really close but were still friends and we were in all the same classes pretty much all the way through school. I never really considered him as a "crush" at the time. He wasn't my usual type and I saw him as more of a friend. Sometimes in school he would be a little flirty and look at me in a bit of a flirty way but again I didn't think much of it. Also, it was common knowledge that he had a huge crush on a girl who was also in all of our classes, people used to joke and say he loved her because he liked her that much and would get really embarrassed in front of her (he's usually a very confident person).

When we were 14 we went to France on a school trip and for the entire time he made a point of speaking to me and sitting next to me all of the time. Again, he was flirty for most of the trip and I remember thinking that I was maybe a little attracted to him. This carried on for months and I became increasingly embarrassed and shy in front of him but I never told anyone that I liked him, not even my friends. We talked on MSN all the time and he eventually told me that he really liked me. One Saturday morning, we would have been 15, we messaged for hours and he asked me to go to the cinema and for food with him, the following day if I remember rightly. I was so happy and was really looking forward to it. I got a message off him just before leaving the house to meet him saying that he wasn't going. I was really upset, asked him why he wasn't meeting and he told me that he hadn't asked me and that it was a family member who had been on his MSN who had said everything as a joke. I was totally humiliated and p*ssed off, I ended up going into school on the Monday and had a huge argument with him in front of the whole class and repeated things he'd said on messages to deliberately embarrass him and try to get some sort of revenge for upsetting me. Well, that was it and we didn't speak again. From then on, it was like we hated each other - we wouldn't even be in each other's space. About a year later, I remember sitting in class and answering the teacher and my "crush" muttered something horrible about me under his breath and it felt like my heart was breaking. I obviously still liked him and I'd never wanted to fall out with him in the first place. I've suffered with anxiety since I was 15 and I can honestly say falling out with him and the aftermath of the argument was instrumental in my mental health problems at the time.

Anyway, we left school in 2006 and he got in contact out through Facebook in September/October 2009, completely out of the blue. He asked how I was - the usual stuff - and we regularly messaged for the next couple of months. He would sometimes a be a little flirty but I never reciprocated because he had a girlfriend. In December '09, a mutual friend was at a Christmas party with me and ended up tagging me in some of the photos on Facebook. I openly admit that I looked awful - I'd put on a lot of weight since school, mostly due to depression/anxiety issues that were ongoing. Next thing I know, he deletes and blocks me on Facebook and my mobile number within minutes of the photos going up. Again, he left me humiliated. In a way, I have to thank him because it was the motivation I needed to lose weight and I ended up losing over 70lbs within 7 months of that happening.

Again, he got back in touch about a year later in 2011. We spoke all the time and I ended up getting upset one night, letting my guard down and messaging him to tell him how I felt in school and how much he upset and humiliated me. I also told him that I thought he'd previously deleted me the year before because he'd seen how much weight I'd gained. We ended up meeting up in person, I went to his house to watch a movie and we chatted. He was still with his girlfriend at the time so we didn't do anything. We just chatted about old times and it felt like I'd gotten one of my old friends back. The next day, he messaged me to say it couldn't go further and he loved his girlfriend. Again, he deleted and blocked me.

Cut a (very) long story short, this has gone on ever since - he makes contact, talks about old times and how he wishes we'd "taken a chance" in school and also in 2011 when we met up despite him being with someone at the time. He then deletes and blocks me and surprise, I'm the one left upset. Most of the time when he's initiated contact again he's with a girl - he's now messaged me behind at least three girls' backs.

Last summer, I caught him watching my Instastories all the time yet he hadn't messaged or anything. I missed him and wanted to make contact but I resisted until Christmas when I messaged to wish him Merry Christmas. He lied and said it was his niece watching them and that he didn't want to speak to me and asked me to leave him alone. Again, we argued before making up and talking again. I always kept it friendly because, again, he has a partner but lives with this current one. He agreed to keep it friendly and not flirt with me and said "things were totally different this time". I thought that he might be engaged or that she might be pregnant but I didn't push for answers. Anyway, the old feelings for him have gradually come back. Two months ago, my suspicions were confirmed and I found out purely by chance that he had a baby, who isn't even one year old yet. I was completely heartbroken. I've always known that there was probably never a chance with him as it was always "wrong time, wrong place" with us. I was either with someone or he was with someone (I've been in a long-term relationship on and off). However, when I found out about him being a dad it was almost like it put a concrete end to everything, it's so hard to explain but it feels like the end of an era and there will definitely be no chance for us. I can't explain how sad I am. I know my anxiety, etc. is playing a part in how I feel but I genuinely feel crushed and feel like he's the "one who got away".

I know it probably sounds cliche and pathetic but I've lived with these feelings for the past 9 years and also everything that happened 15 years ago in school (we're both almost 31 years old now).Whenever he's cut contact I've literally had to convince myself that I hate him but I never truly get over him. I'm not in love with him, likely because I haven't seen him in person for so long, but I definitely care deeply for him. I hate having to keep this to myself and I always dream about telling him but there's zero chance of that now. I also would never want to jeopardise his relationship with his partner and baby.

Has anyone else had a similar situation? I can't understand why he keeps getting in touch and also over so many years. I used to think he just wanted sex but he's never really asked for that and also not taken the flirting far enough for it to lead to sex. I also thought he could be bored, but why me when he could speak to other people? He's not short of friends, etc. I never led him on or flirted, so it's not like we sext or that he gets off on dirty stuff, etc. There have been times when I've thought he might miss me too and that he might miss the old days. I'm not deluded, I'm well aware that he could be using me but I just don't get why. I've even convinced myself that he's so p*ssed off about our argument in school and all the horrible things I said that he's intent on getting revenge and has dragged this out for years knowing it's going to upset me.

"wrong time, wrong place"

More like "wrong person". You don't have to convince yourself you hate him, or try not to like him. Just know that you really have never been compatible - otherwise things would have worked out differently. He didn't "get away". You never had him. You are a convenient shoulder to lean on for him, when his relationships are going south. It's not about sex, he uses you as an emotional crutch. Your adoration of him props up his ego, and then when he feels better, he doesn't need you anymore. I doubt he really cares about your falling out in school anymore. And why do you care whether or not he cares? It's just YOUR ego. You didn't even really like him before, you just were so offended by him dropping you that you have been spending the rest of your life trying to get him to undo it.

That was all so long ago. Isn't it time to put your energy into the present? Making friendships and relationships that have meaning and relevance to your life now?

The next time he contacts you, block him. It's not worth it. I don't see what you could ever hope to get out of any more interaction.

Whoever you pour your time and emotional energy into, you usually end up caring about, even if the person is the worst thing for you. He flirts with other women when he has a significant other, and you wish you would have ended up with him if the stars were in alignment? Subconsciously, we choose who we think we deserve in life. Your self worth needs some boosting, so read articles about how to do that, or you will continue to choose subpar men. Also, choosing long distance men who you don't normally get together with means you don't feel fully ready to have a serious relationship. You're putting up barriers without realizing it. You should get off the merry-go-round of the phone and internet of fantasy pseudo-relationships that are a huge waste of time.

My advice is to work on your self esteem and when you've lifted it to where it needs to be, try meetups.com or other activities where singles your age gather. Good luck.

"wrong time, wrong place"

 

more like "wrong person". You don't have to convince yourself you hate him, or try not to like him. Just know that you really have never been compatible - otherwise things would have worked out differently. He didn't "get away". You never had him. You are a convenient shoulder to lean on for him, when his relationships are going south. It's not about sex, he uses you as an emotional crutch. Your adoration of him props up his ego, and then when he feels better, he doesn't need you anymore. I doubt he really cares about your falling out in school anymore. And why do you care whether or not he cares? It's just your ego. You didn't even really like him before, you just were so offended by him dropping you that you have been spending the rest of your life trying to get him to undo it.

 

That was all so long ago. Isn't it time to put your energy into the present? Making friendships and relationships that have meaning and relevance to your life now?

 

The next time he contacts you, block him. It's not worth it. I don't see what you could ever hope to get out of any more interaction.

wow, patronising or what??? How fuuckin disrespectful are you

Dear stephpatt87,

You have received an infraction at eNotAlone.

Reason: Flaming or Disrespecting Others

-------

-------

This infraction is worth 5 point(s) and may result in restricted access until it expires. Serious infractions will never expire.

lol fuuckin infraction. okaaaaaaaay, dictatorship

Thread closed.