Questions became rants. Scared.

How much do you truly know someone?

My boyfriend tells me he knows me. He has said and continues to say it often. It strikes a nerve with me. I don't know him. I thought I might've, but I was very mistaken. He's not who I thought he was. He was a breath of fresh air from the norm of the world, caring, considerate, calm. Those little and big reasons why I fell in love with him have nearly vanished, rug swept from under my feet, a mirage dissipated. I'm left alone, back in my home state, living with family, jobless, penniless, and pregnant. Pregnant by him. I am at a loss. He is significantly older than me, 11 years to be exact. He does not support me financially, emotionally, mentally, physically. Granted, I made the decision to move back to my home state (clear across the U.S.) so a lot of that I can't get from him. He emotionally hurt me, daily, while I was living with him. It first started off as dismissing my concerns, pushing aside my emotions. I didn't see that then, but I do now. He introduced me to women in his life, saying things like "oh she has a thing for me, but I'm not interested in her because she has kids with multiple people.". Or "my friends don't understand why I'm not with her. Instead, I chose you."...

When I brought up my concerns and how this had hurt me or made me feel uncomfortable. He told me I was insecure, jealous. That I am toxic and destroying our relationship. From the way I am writing, I'm sure you can tell that I no longer believe this. The time I've spent away from him has made a lot of things clearer to me. He told me he thought he was sterile because he never got his ex's pregnant even though they didn't have contraception. He gave me an std. Got me pregnant within 2 months of me being in his home state. I found a condom in his front yard trash can (dogs had gotten into the trash and spewed it all over). He lied and said his brother had sex at his house. I know it's a lie because later he goes to tell me it's from him using a toy on himself and wrapped the toy in a condom. He knew I was uncomfortable with anal, but pushed the matter. Knew because I was open with him about myself. He knew I was sexually assaulted when I was young. Yet, failed to mention to me that he was a sex offender with a minor involved. I found out, because my family was concerned and googled him. I confronted him and he lacked complete responsibility for any of his actions. Made himself seem the victim. At first, I bought it. He hit some strings in my heart. But now I do not see it that way. Yes, the girl didn't tell him she was underage. But you do not pick up a random drunk girl, you do not engage her sexually. You do not do that while your 1 year old is in the same room as you either. I disagree with his story. Find it changes. First he said nothing happened between them, then it was that she just performed oral on him, then it was that he saw poop on her butthole and got grossed out. I'd imagine you would have to be pretty close to someone to see that, but idk, I wasn't there. With the age difference, if I was there, I would've been the same age as the girl he has the sexual charge with. If that's not disturbing. He knew I was afraid to be schizophrenic, like my grandma. And one day says to me that he thinks I might be, we had taken LSD and I had had a bad trip. I found out I was pregnant about 2-3 weeks later.

Why would someone I trust and love say that to me? Why would they instill that fear in me, after being in such a delicate frame of mind? I thought for about a month that he was drugging me. I'd be fine, as long as I didn't smoke a cigarette. As soon as I did, I felt high. My mom one night asked me to check my pupils. They were dilated. I was terrified. So I left. Back to family. I'm still talking to him. Still calling him boyfriend. He says he never meant to hurt me. He says he wouldn't drug me or hurt me physically. But he's hurt me emotionally and I haven't been able to bounce back to myself fully yet. I haven't had any strange thoughts or feelings of extreme anxiety or feeling high all the time or feeling like he was going to kill me; since being back with my family. I feel sane. I feel healthier. Depressed occasionally, yes. Social anxiety is not a stranger to me, but I'm handling it well; like I was before I met him. Everything seems normal again... I'm not scared I'm schizophrenic anymore. He says he doesn't want to hurt me. Yet, continues to. In small ways here and there. But I feel him grasping on to me and this baby. He doesn't admit, by himself, that he has wronged me, hurt me. He seems to try and be calmer, less irate than he was. But I do not know if he is sincere or not. I do not know if I can fall back into love with him. I do not know what kind of future that leaves my child with. I wish I wasn't bringing a baby into this horrible mix. I want nothing but the best, but, I am confused on what the best is at this point. Do I disregard his talks of love, caring, and a desire to be a part of baby and mines lives? Do I tell him no more and leave him behind? He lost his daughter in a custody battle years ago. And now I feel guilt over repeating history. Idk what to do. I am at a loss.

I took enough emotional and mental hurt as I could. Now I'm telling my story in hopes someone can tell me probably what I already know. Or maybe something I don't. I tried turning to friends and family but they all hate him. Tell me he's a narcissist, a sociopath or I've even heard "evil". I believe no one is evil. I'm scared he is a narcissist or sociopath though, after them telling me that. He lacks serious empathy towards me, it's disturbing at times. I haven't said this to them, I try and justify and counter their remarks. But I'm very terrified of that. He says he loves me. It doesn't reach me anymore. Makes me sad. I feel guilt about it. After what he's done (&that's just some of it) to me, I understand I am hurt and put my walls up to protect myself. I wish I could protect my baby too.

Well, I think your boyfriend was just your typical emotional abuser. They turn things around to blame the way they act onto other people. It's never them. And they're all about manipulating and controlling people. The cheating is part of the game as is tearing down their partner's confidence and self-esteem. And they all like to make extravagant promises that they'll change and they tell you how much they love you. But it's all lies. They only care about themselves.

You should probably call an emotional abuse hotline in your area or the national number and talk to someone to discuss your issues. You should probably get some counselling to help you heal faster. You might also need a family lawyer to discuss how to get child support out of your ex and whether you can get sole custody of your child. I'm sure there were good reasons why he lost custody of his daughter. The baby mamma was probably in the same predicament as you're in.

Keep in mind that you have to protect yourself and your own sanity from him. You might want to get restraining orders against him if he tries to see you. Seek the protection of friends and family to get through this. Don't try to navigate this alone.

What made your parents suspicious enough of him to google him and find he is a sexual offender? Focus on getting your physical and mental health in order. Make sure you see a doctor and mention the family history of schizophrenia. It often shows up in late teens- 20s. Take care of your pregnancy. Can your family support you and get you the prenatal, physical and mental health care you need?

Staying with a sex offender, having unprotected sex, getting an std and getting pregnant are all actions that you are responsible for. Are you over 18 and do you have any other symptoms of psychotic thoughts? He may prey on mentally frail individuals the same way he preyed on a minor. Have you ever been employed or financially independent?

Unfortunately he is only responsible for child support when you have the child, no matter what kind of sociopath he is. Stop all contact with him.

He gave me an std.

Got me pregnant within 2 months.

failed to mention to me that he was a sex offender with a minor involved.

we had taken LSD and I had had a bad trip.

I'm not scared I'm schizophrenic anymore.