I feel alone in this situation and don't know what to do..

My trust is being tested and I can't find a conclusion.

2 years ago, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years had been in contact with his ex. He posted that he was in a relationship with me on Facebook. This girl post "Again? Hmm.." I asked who this rude person was and he said, "my ex, she calls sometimes but I never pickup. She's crazy." After that initial conversation I realized he had gotten a new phone a short time ago, how would she have gotten it? I asked him "I guess I must have given it to her, she added me on FB a year or so ago and said she was doing not so good. When we were together she drank a lot.. I guess i was just making sure she was okay.. but when I talked about my new relationship she decided she wanted nothing to do with me I guess.." He sounded kind of sad when he said the last part. He's talked about past relationships sometimes and the history of them was that they were friends with benefits, he wanted her to commit to him, she wouldn't so he kicked her out of his house during a night she came over drunk.

I was very stressed about this, it seemed out of character, I always felt safe with him but this was really suspicious to me. Especially since he asks me if I talk to other guys and seems generally insecure in that area, as he often tells me of the situations hes been cheated on. I went to my mom and friend about this and they said I should let it go and try to move on. I took this advice and although it would haunt me at times, I tried to push it out of my head. I really do love my boyfriend, he's always been there when I needed him which was a lot and honestly my attachments to him outweighed the pain.

Cut to a year later a conversation happened to where we were revisiting this for the first time since it happened and he said that him and his ex only talked on the phone a few times. I felt like i got hit by a ton of hard ass bricks, "But you said you would never answer.." I said. He swore he never said that and that I or him must be remembering it wrong. I found the Facebook message from a year ago where I asked "But you 2 never talked on the phone right? I would feel a little weird about you talking on the phone with an ex" and his reply was "No, never. She calls me at 3AM sometimes but I assume she's drunk and don't pick up." When I sent him this, he got really quiet and gave a soft "Sorry." He said he doesn't know why he would tell me that, possibly because I said I would feel weird about it and he didn't want me to worry. This uprooted my anxiety and virtually had no inner peace.

I'm so lost. I have a war in my mind of A. Him keeping contact with an ex he still has feelings for and hiding it from me. or B. a sweet guy just trying to be there for an ex while trying not to compromise his current girlfriends feelings and trust.

I have body dismorphia so seeing that she's not ugly really sent me down a dark well of comparison and feelings of worthlessness and has kept this situation prominent in my mind. She is the dark haired girl in the gif.

This happened months ago but I'm finding my mind keeps and keeps and keeps going back to this because I'm ing scared. To me.. this guy was the one. But I'm terrified of there being more he's not telling me.

I go directly between feeling like a god damn fool for believing his story to feeling like a paranoid crazy jealous gf. I'm so uncalibrated, I need help. I just want to see the truth.

Nobody talks to an ex to "help" them out, especially when they were the one that wanted more out of the situation. I can't get inside your boyfriend's head, but it sounds like you may be right about him still having inappropriate feelings and communication with his ex. I think it's in your right that you request he ceases communication with her and social media ties if need be. Friendships with exes can be fine, if both parties have properly moved on and each individual is transparent about the nature of the relationship with their respective significant others, but that's clearly not what's happening here.

Why don't you just ask him to block and delete her and if he won't, then break up with him because he's triggering your existing issues.

... are you getting professional help for your body dismorphia and anxiety?

This doesn't sound right because it likely isn't

Like the above poster mentioned, there should be no involvement with exs if there's still feelings involved

I also want to mention he borderline gaslighted you when he told you he never said he doesn't pick up her calls. Little lies like that are indicative of larger, more hurtful secrets

I think you only see the tip of the iceberg here. If you went through his phone, I think you'd be horrified by what you found. A couple wise posters once said if you need to go through someone's phone or emails due to a legit belief they may be cheating, "You're not invading their privacy, you're invading their secrecy".

I don't know if he is cheating for sure but it sounds awfully similar to when my ex told me he still talked to his ex because she was having a rough time... turns out he was cheating on me with her

OP, when your gut feels funny, when your spidey senses start going off....there is something wrong. It's not just in your head.

I would do some investigating. No need to beat around the bush asking him to block her because he wanted to, he would've already. Don't go to him for the truth considering he lied to you already. Figure out the truth (or enough of the truth) for yourself. Get to the core of what is going on but when you figure it out and if he is cheating...dump him right then and there...no ifs ands or buts!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. Time to get smart and act. Best of luck.