Why do I feel like I regret the decisions that led me to lose my closest friend?

*****THIS MAY BE LONG sorry I just want to give you guys as much backstory as needed :( ******

My very close friend and I of 5 years stopped being friends due to a falling out about 6 months ago. We were very close, almost like family, extremely comfortable with each other. Fought and bickered like sisters, worked together, school together, lived within minutes of each other, texted EVERYDAY, never went more than a week without seeing each other. It was nice to have someone so close like that, but also very tiring. Overtime I felt myself getting annoyed of her, possibly because of all the time we spent together. She has a very extroverted personality, no filter type attitude. Sometimes, she just had a straight out attitude and can come off as rude. Being her friend I usually put up with it, sometimes called her out as friends should. But it came to a point where I simply could not handle it. This was also a time in my life where things were EXTREMELY rough, with school and especially family. I started to seclude myself, including from my friend. I would still talk to her, but just lessened it. And she took it the wrong way. I think she took it as me treating her differently, but in reality, I just needed space for myself, and space from her. Ive always known my friend had a little sassy attitude, and I didnt care. i would get annoyed of her, then get over it, kinda like you do with siblings. But with everything going on in my life, I just needed s p a c e.

Then finally came our tipping point. Something happened, then later that night she called me to talk about it. I wasnt interested or ready to talk over the phone bc I didnt want to blow up on her, so I texted it instead. I basically told her in the nicest way that I can, is that I needed space and to put very simply, she had an attitude. I stressed that it was uncomfortable for me to be even telling her that, as I wasn't her mother or boyfriend, and felt that it wasnt my place to be telling someone that- no matter how close we were (in my opinion). We talked it out, and we tried to make things go back to normal. At first I knew it was going to be awkward when we saw each other at work which was expected, but we were trying.

One day at work she had invited me and my coworkers out after to this club that we all usually go to. SHE had asked me. I made a joke saying I would go if everyone else went. After I'm off, i text in a group chat including her if they were going. Only one friend replied that she wasnt, but my friend didnt. I thought nothing of it, then went to the club anyways. When I got to to the club to meet my coworkers, she just suddenly shows up, doesnt acknowledge me, and the vibe is just off.I decided to leave in what I thought was an uncomfortable situtation. It was weird to me that SHE would invite me out, then ignore my message, then ignore me in person. Or was I looking too much into it?

The next day at work, we dont say anything to each other. I thought it was weird how just the day before the vibe was fine, then all of a sudden it shifted. What had happened in between work in the club?? We go on for a couple months, not talking to each other, ignoring each other at work, only talking when absolutely necessary. Then one day she texted me saying she hated working feeling like a war zone, how did we get to the point of being so petty, etc. She said it would be mature of me to respond to her when she said hello/bye. In my mind, she did me "wrong" the night of the club. Of course I'll be civil with her, but I didnt understand the point of me talking to her, saying hello, etc because in my opinion it is fake. I'm not going to act friendly, but I'm not going to be rude either.

I then took this as my chance to finally hear her side of the story the night of the club. I told her after that night, I didn't want anything to do with her basically. I thought it was shady and fake of her to do something like that. She then defends herself, saying "I didnt even know you were coming" to "i didnt think it was a big deal if i texted you or not, since you said you werent gonna show if not everyone did, and (friend x) said she wasnt going so I just assumed". I thought her reasoning was dumb and bs, which made me not want to reconcile even more. She made it seem like "damn why you are still upset over this" like it wasnt a big deal. SO basically, she reached out, and i "rejected" her.

Time goes on, and I feel uneasy. Of course I miss my friend, but I'm not so much sure If i actually miss HER, or the memories. Or maybe I miss the convenience of our friendship. She was honestly a really good friend, I just needed space at the time from her attitude. Ive been friends with her for years, so of course her attitude was something I could handle, just not at that moment. I feel like there are things you dont have to tell people, and i think that was one of those things. She had REALLY wanted to talk about the problem, and i kinda just spilled. I had told her from the beginning that I didnt want her to think i was attacking her, or that I didnt wanna lose her friendship, but somehow everything just flipped and slapped me in the face.

I reached out to her later on, basically asking that we could talk everything out in person, and hopefully end everything so that I could also have my own peace of mind- hoping she wouldnt be petty and reject me since i rejected her the first time, but thats exactly what happened.

I guess it kinda sucks cuz we still work together, and have a lot of mutual friends. Ive never been as close to anyone as her, and most of my closest friends are guys. I miss having that ONE girlfriend. But when I think about it, and hearing stories from other people about her attitude, i really dont see myself being friends with her anymore. People grow apart and just change, and thats what i feel like happened between us. I kinda feel like I wont have another friend like her, which also sucks. Im not sure if im feeling anxious or jealous because I often hear what shes up to with our mutual friends, and maybe i feel left out that im not included.

I dont know how to feel :/

Your story is missing the reason why she wanted to talk to you when you turned her away and then acted cold to you at the bar. It might have the answer to your question.

Other than that, it seemed like you got tired of her company. As you described her, she's very emotional and she decided to ice you. Your friendship probably just ran out of steam.

Hi! and I'm not sure what you mean? She wanted to talk to me and reached out (which happened after the event of the club) because she wanted to be cordial. We had stopped talking after the club, and after she reached out and gave me her reasoning for that night, was when i "rejected" her.

What is the outcome you want?