Feel lost

Ive never posted on anything like this before but need some outside opinions. My husband and I where together for 11 years (married for 4) im 28 he is 29 he has always had moods on and off but refused to get help and said it was nothing serious. A few months ago he decided out of the blue he didnt want to be in the marraige anymore, there where no issues in our relationship other than his moods, he said he has severe depression and that it was nothing to do with me but he had to leave to sort himself out. I was broken, he was my first and only love and I was devastated and he also said he was but was not willing to try anything else before leaving. A few weeks later we tried the whole dating thing to see if we could make things work while still giving him his space to sort himself out. This was too hard for me, i was getting such mixed messages from him and had no idea where I stood, he kept saying things like i was his best friend etc. i said i couldnt do that and he was my husband not just a friend so i cut all ties, a few months passed and i started proceeding for divorce...not something I wanted in any way but i had to try and move forward from being so broken.

I got in touch to pre warn him i was doing this and he would be receiving the forms, he was fine with this and said he would sign. That was over a month ago and no contact since, yesterday i got a message from him saying he had the forms and wanted to ask a question about them, i answered his question and he then sent an extrmely long message back saying he was sorry about everything and he was yet to find the happiness he was looking for, he said he left as he was selfish and filled with awful thoughts and was in a bad place, he said the depression will be with him forever and its best i am not around to see it, he said he was having suicidle thoughts and was desperatly lonely, said that he is always there if i need him and that he makes it clear to any mutual freinds that he speaks to that he will always love me. I am completely broken inside, i still desperatly love him and i am worried sick about his wellbeing and I know he has no one else to help him. I replied and said i would never turn my back on him while he is having these thoughts but cannot be there in the same way for him as he doesnt want to be with me and its too hard, the whole process of him leaving had put me in councelling as i just couldnt get over it, im so confused and worries about him and myself, i have been trying to focus on myself trying to get passed this but i love him so much i dont know what to do. He replied to say he wasnt asking me to be there as it wouldnt be right and i deserve happiness ( this also may seen small but he used his pet name for me in the message and this brought everything back as i hadnt heard it since before he left) Any advice would be appreciated

Well, it sounds like you need to do a medical commitment while you're still married to him. Anyone threatening suicide can at least be put on a psychiatric hold in most states for 72 hours while being evaluated. He needs medical help. If you don't know where he is, try to convince him to go to a hospital and that he needs to get help. If you're in contact with any mutual friends, urge them to tell him to get medical help. If you don't know what to do, call a suicide hotline. They're not just for people contemplating suicide. They can help him too.

As hard as it is, you need to let him be to sort himself out. His wellbeing is his own responsibility. He needs to learn to love himself before he can offer himself to someone else. Friends can reach out to him. For your own wellbeing you need to move on.

You never know... once he has found his peace, you might end up back together. But you both need to cut ties to progress yourselves.