Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: i need help, don't know what to do anymore....

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    3

    i need help, don't know what to do anymore....

    I'm increasingly depressed/sad to the point its affecting my life and don't know what to do anymore. Its been a year and a half since my girlfriend and I broke up and I feel like I am getting worse, I've reached the point of posting on here because I don't know what to do anymore. Though we weren't married, we were about to become engaged, planning the wedding, when things feel apart (together 3 years). Reading all these posts and articles online I've found that what I'm going through most closely relates to what people go through when they divorce, or even when they suffer a death. Complicated grief is something I feel I am suffering from. Its hard to be completely in love thinking about marriage and then find yourself single in your mid-30's so quickly.

    Since it ended, I've tried to do all the things you are suppose to do to help move on. I'm very self aware of my feelings/emotions and the process of moving on post breakup, i realize it will not be easy. I practice no contact (i've never reached out to her, she will to me now and then to say hi). This has helped but I still often think about her and the future we could have had together. I tried dating, but this just makes me feel worse. All the girls I meet do not compare to her at all and are extremely boring and do not grab my interest. I try to go out on dates anyway to just put myself out there, but its getting harder and harder to put forth the energy to do this for women that don't do anything for me. If I do end up seeing a girl for more than a date or two I realize I'm doing it more for the physical aspect than the relationship aspect, which makes me feel like , so I've stopped dating now since I don't want to lead women on. Dating if anything makes me feel even weirder/worse because I am a generally good looking guy in a major city with my life together (well except for my mental health), so its not hard for me to get dates, and often women ask me out, so I feel there is something wrong with me to be feeling this way. I just find so many people shallow and un-interesting. It seems all the people I meet out there just care about traveling, food, and wanting to marry and are unable to think deeper about life and all the problems our society faces and have a meaningful conversation.

    I've tried getting back into hobbies I fell out of during the relationship, such as playing piano and running 5k's. I've tried learning new hobbies, like home beer brewing, learning a new musical instrument (drums), and learning film photography on my dad's old canon. All that is cool and all, but I have this general sense of depression that just kills my motivation to really do anything. The only thing that has seemed to help is learning drums, as its enjoyable and the only activity where I find myself completely getting rid of my depressive feeling. I will jam with friends for a few hours and realize that a whole evening has gone by without me feeling sad/depressed or thinking of her. However this isn't something I can do all the time (have to go to the studio to practice), and often I don't even have the motivation to hit up my friends to see if they want to jam.

    I'm scared because its been more than a year, will be two years this Dec, and I feel like I"m getting worse. I feel like I've taken all the suggestions, watched all the videos, read all the articles, tried all the advice i've come across, and yet feel like I'm getting worse. More depressed, less motivated, less hopeful. I've started having really negative thoughts the past months regarding suicide. I would never do that, I could never do that to my family and friends. But I've starting thinking what it would be like if it happened, who would think about me, how would people react, who would be sad, things like that. I should disclose I'm a male if you haven't figured that out by now, and I'm a combat veteran (02-07, all the hot-spots of the world during that time). So i guess I'm the stereotype for not dealing with emotions.

    I feel like I had my life together mentally and had put alot effort into being stable, which is what enabled me to enter a relationship and be emotionally available, and now this relationship ending has opened up all sort of wounds I had that I thought I had dealt with. Things I dealt with in the military. The relationship with my family and feeling sad about leaving my parents to live alone with no family nearby. Coming from a tri-cultural family (born in Italy, half-puerto rican, growing up american, english as a 2nd language) and all the identity issues that come from that.

    What scares me even more is that I'm a provider in the mental health field. I work at a hospital. I help people everyday with mental health issues. I'm really good at my job, I'm generally considered one of the best at my hospital and routinely get the hardest cases assigned to me because of my successful record and patient reviews. So I feel like I've tried to be my own therapist and have failed. Part of me knows I should be seeing a therapist myself, but part of me feels this would be useless. That it would just consist of alot of talking, them giving me suggestions to try things I've already tried, and that it would be a waste of time. I'm not open to taking medications for my mental health.

    I have this growing urge to leave NYC, quit my job, leave all my friends, to not even tell anyone, and move away to be closer to family. I also feel like that is a cop out, that I'm having escapist thinking. The only reason I haven't yet is because I have a pretty good job which I generally enjoy and lets me sleep good at night knowing i'm helping others, have good vacation time, and have a comfortable appt with good friends. However I feel I have to make a life change. That i have this growing feeling that something has to change, that I can't continue on the path I'm on.

    I guess I'll leave it at that. Has anybody else here gone through something similar? Where you've tried everything and still feel worse after a year or more? I feel like I alternative between good periods and bad periods, but the bad periods seem to come more often and last longer now, and I don't want to end up a old bitter man just keeping to himself. god bless everybody Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    542
    Gender
    Male
    being a health care provider myself, i would highly suggest you to reconsider therapy.
    Complicated grieving is not a part of normal grieving as you know and it can spiral down without any interventions.
    I am sure that you are a good provider yourself, but some therapists specialize in PTSD as well as relationships
    and many of them have came up with customized method to tackle issues better than others.
    I say its worth giving it a try considering that the alternative is going downhill.

    Another advice I can give you is a bit crazy- Take a year off and go travel in different countries-
    many people going through a heart break found it extremely therapeutic just to change environment
    and experience new things via extensive travelling.

    cheers

  3. #3
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    California
    Posts
    176
    Gender
    Male
    Hello mellowfe. I too am still suffering from my breakup from a woman close to 2 years ago so you're definitely not alone on that aspect. Believe me, I have setbacks at least once or twice a week where I just get completely depressed thinking about her not being in my life anymore. In fact I had another one of those setbacks just today! It's terrible. So I definitely sympathize with you and don't blame you for your pain one bit. Don't let anyone tell you "You should be over her by now, so just stop thinking about her and move on." That's all hogwash. It's much easier said then done. Although I have gotten much, much better but still, it hurts on a very deep level knowing she's not in my life anymore.

    I don't have much more to add other then what I've said already, so please know you're not alone brotha. Hopefully we can come to terms with who we are and what is really going on deep inside us. I believe it's within our subconscious that's been affected from our past that has somehow manifested itself to making it extremely difficult to move on. I dunno what it is but it's something with us, obviously.

    Maybe our breakup is forcing us to discover that deeply seeded issue and to face it head on? Who knows. All I know is it's really hard and mysterious and hasn't made it easier to move on completely. I only hope and pray that you, me and others still suffering can soon discover our inner strength and move on once and for all.

    I truly wish you well and pray for your full recovery.

    Good luck!

  4. #4
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    567
    Gender
    Male
    Relationships simple bring up the pain already in us. Also, patterns we need to release.

    How was the relationship in retrospect? Was there any anger or controlling behavior on her part? Its good to spend sometime alone and reflect on any abuse you may have been receiving without drawing a line and walking away.

    Take the time to enjoy your alone time also, you can do the things now that you weren't able to do for whatever reason in a relationship. 10 years from now you may be married with kids and looking back at your single time, when you could pursue anything you wanted, with nostalgia.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    I Can See The Sun!
    Posts
    2,519
    Gender
    Male
    I'm sorry to hear this Mellowfe* but as the others have said, you are definitely not alone.

    I'm 7 months in now from a 5 year marriage and nowhere near healed at all...!

    My ex has bought her own house now and gone dancing off with her community and friends. Meanwhile I struggle to function and deal with suicidal thoughts and crushing isolation.

    Like you I have never once initiated contact but she has on many occasions.

    I was following a lot of Get Your Ex Back theories so when that happened I would get my hopes up only to be dashed on the rocks over and over and over.

    If you can relate to that then I think it plays a big part in why our healing has taken so long...and like you I have tried and done absolutely everything to get through...including meds which I don't like.

    Supplements are good though. Because of the grief your body needs magnesium and zinc. Also sleep, rest and good nutrition.

    Now, everything we've tried is physical and external but this a battle of the mind...internal. Trauma stays in the body so we need to get it out.

    And it seems there is only one modality that helps with that and that is: Meditation.

    Meditation has been around for thousands of years and is still practiced in many cultures. Sadly in our Western culture it has basically been tossed out the window and depression, anxiety and other mental health issues are running rampant.

    I started trying to meditate back in January but the grief was still so overwhelming and consuming that it overtook the meditation. Since then I've had complete adrenal and nervous system breakdown and various other physical complications.

    Now our exes contacting us was basically them dealing with their own guilt and (and this is important) weaning themselves off the relationship. The contact gets less and less as they move on leaving us re-shattered every time.

    I'm not sure about your ex but I don't think I'll hear much more from mine now....

    And so I am now starting to refocus on meditation aimed at healing the trauma this has caused me...and that trauma goes beyond just this breakup even though it was losing her and everything dear to me that has split me open.

    There is an audio book I've been listening to called Healing From Abandonment by Susan Anderson which describes well the level of grief that I am experiencing and perhaps you too...

    I have also started 2 days ago the NARP program by Melanie Tonia Evans. I'm hoping it will help as I've pretty much exhausted all other avenues. So far I think it's helping.

    And lastly, yes I too am left to reconsider my entire life. I'm working in a business that I set up to provide a good future for us but now that that has all gone, I have little interest in continuing on.

    I have 7 months left and I am planning to leave here and go traveling for a while. I think it may be the only way I'll ever fully recover from this.

    I'm sorry this was a bit long but I related to much of what you wrote. I hope this helps.

    Regards
    Carus*

  7. #6
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    132
    Hi Carus,

    I just wanted to thank you for all of your posts. Of all the posters here you're the one I relate to most.

    I was ditched abruptly by my fiancee 7 weeks ago after an eight-year relationship. We had lived together from very early on, so it was a marriage in all but name. We had been planning to move to NZ from an early stage so all that and my future is in ashes.

    I know it's unrealistic to expect anything after only 7 weeks, but I feel in Hell. There is thusfar no improvement, nothing. In fact, the suicidal thoughts have been mounting over the past few days.

    Plus I have a crappy family background that the break-up has plunged me back into, and which I had hoped my relationship meant I would never have to face again. So it is a mega-crapstorm. I think Justin is right that the depths of grief reflect deeper issues in our own psyche. I had used my relationship as an ark to flee those issues - now I am plunged right back in them. The trauma is intense and seems insurmountable right now.

    My ex decided to end it at the end of January, but didn't pull the trigger til early March. In that time she weaned herself off me, becoming distant and somewhat hostile. I sensed trouble but buried my head in the sand. Now she is flying on with her life while I am left for dead.

    Anyway, guys, if nothing else, you are not alone.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    283
    in your case being that self aware maybe you need to hear it from someone else I don't know but try professional help. You already know what to do and how things should go. Mentally its not happening. I've thought about this myself but I getting through I think. Not sure but what's it going to hurt to try?

  9. #8

    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    1
    Hey man hows it gong? Let me first encourage you on even seeking help and writing for suggestions. I know how hard it is to move on after a break up especially putting all of your time and effort into a person, its hard to just move on real fast. It's awesome that you are working on your hobbies to take your mind of things, and I know you said you have your doubts about counseling but have you ever just thought about giving it a try? maybe a session or two? the good thing about it is that you can always stop if you don't feel like it is helping you. If not counseling, then some kind of support group like a really close friend who wont judge you but can also help you through this process.

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    18
    I can relate OP. I was dumped almost 3 monthd ago from a 9 year relationship. We were engaged back in summer and I moved abroad for my studied. We had had a 7 year LDR before getting to the same country and then separated again because of my studies and old long distance issues resurfaced and she couldn't take it anymore. She left me at a very critical point in my life where I was going through so much stress and I told her that. I also felt suicidal when she left. But you have to get through this, there's no other way out. I totally sympathize with you and trust me when I say I know how you feel. she was your whole life and every decision you took revolved around her and when she left, you start questioning every step you took. But that is wrong, you are the most important person in your life and your best revenge is to get back up on your feet and be successful. I am not claiming that I am applying this 100%, I am still suffering. But what else can you do? And please do get professional help. I am doing therapy. Try self hypnosis too. And go on YouTube and search for Mehran Dabdeh. He talks about very important aspects of the breakup from a totally different perspective. He's not a coach or a relationship expert like many wannabees claim to be. Listen to his analysis. Being the highly valued person at your hospital speaks volumes about your intellectual level. So I'm sure you will understand his logic and reasoning. If you're religious, pray too. Keep with the drums. I'm a guitarist myself and whenever I play, it soothes me a lot. Get an electric drum and play through headsets as much as you want. You don't need to jam all the time. Just put some tune and jam with it.

  11. #10

    Join Date
    Apr 2018
    Posts
    3
    I really appreciate all the replies, I plan to post a more detailed reply when it feels right to write more, but for now just want to thank everybody for writing, telling their stories, and providing suggestions, thanks all

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


Romance At Work: Yes Or No?

How To Overcome A Divorce

Love Hormone Oxytocin Improves Stressful Relationships

Forgiveness Does Not Always Solve Relationship Problems

Too Much Commitment Can Destroy Romantic Relationship

Why Is It So Hard To Quit Smoking?
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •