I hate myself!!

I honestly don't know what to do anymore, I hate myself so much for what I've done and I'm severely depressed/suicidal. I'm getting the help I need for that but I'm not even sure I want to carry on anymore.

Basically I cheated on my beautiful perfect fiancé before Christmas and she found out. Even then she wanted to work through things, she wanted me to fight for her but I didn't, I just gave up on us and our future. I've let her down so much over the past 4 and half years, anger issues, nights spent in cells, suicidal thoughts and now this. She's the only thing that's kept me alive these last few years, without her I would've killed myself and now I've broken her heart.

I've suffered from depression for years and always blamed it on someone/something else. I'd bottle up my feelings and put on a brave face then I'd blow and have an 'episode' and do something stupid. This leaves me feeling nothing but shame and guilt so I'd want to end it all. I can't suffer like this for the rest of my life.

For the past week and half I've been moving things from our perfect home to my mum and Grampa's house and each time it's hurt me more and more. I want our old life back, I want our future together back.

I almost messaged her telling her how much I loved her and wanted to try again but I couldn't, it isn't fair for me to put her through anymore. I know deep down I need help and need to sort myself out first but I can't stop thinking it'll be too late then.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I just needed to get it out there, maybe get some advice. Do you think I should tell her how I feel? Or write her a letter or something?

Excellent you are getting help. Do bipolar disorder/mood disorders run in your family?

I'm getting the help. I've suffered from depression for years and always blamed it on someone/something else. I'd bottle up my feelings and put on a brave face then I'd blow and have an 'episode' and do something stupid.

Excellent you are getting help. Do bipolar disorder/mood disorders run in your family?

I'm not sure. My mum has had some mental health issues and my grampa was on antidepressants before for tension.

I'll hopefully starting antidepressants this week and should be seeing a psychiatrist as soon as possible. I'm also attending counselling privately.

Please, don't hate yourself. There could be many reasons beyond your power that causes your depression. Depression can make you do things you normally won't do. With beyond your power, i don't mean that you can't do anything about it. It might be something physical, for instance, if your brain doesn't fabricate enough serotonin or dopamin. Or you experienced traumas in your early life. In any case, a therapist can help you. Your situation is not hopeless at all!

I think it is good to tell her how you feel. This helps her to understand why things happened. She knows you and she might realize that the things you did, are not who you really are or want to be. Tell her that you are sorry, never wanted to hurt her and you love her and you respect her decision in any case. You should work things out with a good therapist, give it time. If the two of you are meant for each other, you will find each other again when the time is there.

Please, don't hate yourself. There could be many reasons beyond your power that causes your depression. Depression can make you do things you normally won't do. With beyond your power, i don't mean that you can't do anything about it. It might be something physical, for instance, if your brain doesn't fabricate enough serotonin or dopamin. Or you experienced traumas in your early life. In any case, a therapist can help you. Your situation is not hopeless at all!

 

I think it is good to tell her how you feel. This helps her to understand why things happened. She knows you and she might realize that the things you did, are not who you really are or want to be. Tell her that you are sorry, never wanted to hurt her and you love her and you respect her decision in any case. You should work things out with a good therapist, give it time. If the two of you are meant for each other, you will find each other again when the time is there.

My doctor and therapist have said the same, with my doctor leaning towards it being a chemical imbalance or something. I should be on Citalopram as long as my health check is okay, hopefully sooner rather than later.

What if I tell her and just end up hurting her again? I want our life back but I've caused so much pain and embarrassment I'm not even sure we'd get over it. Her family are really close and protective and probably want me dead right now so I just don't know what to do.

Oh no, I'm sorry you are feeling like this.

Please don't harm yourself and talk to your therapist asap about these feelings. Don't end your life, there is always a way to get through things and you will if you ask for help. I really hope that in a near future you can look back to the present day and be glad you didn't give up.

Regarding your ex, I honestly think you will be able to think things trough better when you are also feeling better. She is also hurt and therefore may not take is well. How will you handle it if she doesn't respond well to your contact? I really don't want you to feel worse than you are right now.

And please also think how it would affect her for the rest of her life if you would do anything bad to yourself.

I am sure you can get yourself to a better place and then you can make good decisions on how to proceed with her.

Talk to you therapist today.

Oh no, I'm sorry you are feeling like this.

 

Please don't harm yourself and talk to your therapist asap about these feelings. Don't end your life, there is always a way to get through things and you will if you ask for help. I really hope that in a near future you can look back to the present day and be glad you didn't give up.

 

Regarding your ex, I honestly think you will be able to think things trough better when you are also feeling better. She is also hurt and therefore may not take is well. How will you handle it if she doesn't respond well to your contact? I really don't want you to feel worse than you are right now.

 

And please also think how it would affect her for the rest of her life if you would do anything bad to yourself.

 

I am sure you can get yourself to a better place and then you can make good decisions on how to proceed with her.

 

Talk to you therapist today.

I know you're right, I shouldn't get in touch just yet. She said she wanted to take January to spend time apart so hopefully after that we can talk.

I moved the rest of my stuff out of our home tonight and I the only reason I didn't end it was because of how much she'd suffer.

I know I need time to get myself better but at the moment all I want to do is escape reality.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

This might be the very thing that needed to happen to get you off the side lines and into the game.

Hopefully this will be the motivator for some much needed change.

Hang in there. . .

This might be the very thing that needed to happen to get you off the side lines and into the game.

Hopefully this will be the motivator for some much needed change.

Hang in there. . .

I hope so. We had 4 and a half amazing years together and I threw it all away for some skank.

I really want to improve myself now and change for the better. Hopefully then I can try and regain my ex's trust.

I moved the rest of my things out from our home yesterday and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, I actually had a panic attack.

I was very emotional and stupidly text my ex saying I'm sorry I ruined everything and she just got back to me saying 'yes you did but it's done now'. I honestly don't think there is any point in life anymore. I'll never get over what I've done to her. And I'm so sorry.

I moved the rest of my things out from our home yesterday and it was the hardest thing I've ever done, I actually had a panic attack.

 

I was very emotional and stupidly text my ex saying I'm sorry I ruined everything and she just got back to me saying 'yes you did but it's done now'. I honestly don't think there is any point in life anymore. I'll never get over what I've done to her. And I'm so sorry.

Why is there no point in life anymore? Do you really think you are going to feel like this forever? Trust me, you are not. It will take time and help, but if you seek the help you need, it will be worth it.

You are obviously deeply depressed and this makes you see the world and your life in such a dark way and that is NOT the reality.

Have you spoken to your therapist about these feelings?

Why is there no point in life anymore? Do you really think you are going to feel like this forever? Trust me, you are not. It will take time and help, but if you seek the help you need, it will be worth it.

 

You are obviously deeply depressed and this makes you see the world and your life in such a dark way and that is NOT the reality.

 

Have you spoken to your therapist about these feelings?

That's part of the problem, I've always focused on the negatives in my life and forget the positives.

Yes I've spoken to my therapist and GP about it. I'll hopefully be starting antidepressants asap. Both have said that things will get better but I just can't see how at the moment. My therapist has told me to take everything day by day and things will get better over time.

They will get better. Everyone will tell you the same and you should believe it.

Any friends or family you can talk to as well?

They will get better. Everyone will tell you the same and you should believe it.

 

Any friends or family you can talk to as well?

Yes I've been honest with my mum about my problems, including my drug and alcohol abuse. My friends, one in particular, have been really good.

I'm just struggling to see an end to all this at the moment. It's something I've bottled up for years and years, I don't want to have to fight to be happy for the rest of my life. At the same time I don't want to hurt anyone.

Some of us aren't blessed with normal brain chemistry and struggle with some level of depression throughout life. But this can be handled with proper therapy and medication. You are probably feeling you are at the lowest point in life you have ever been and it's good you are reaching out for help.

Even for people with depressive tendencies, being happy is something that can be trained and you won't be struggling to be happy forever.

You can start training this with little things (even if you have to force yourself to do them) like writing down the things you are grateful for (maybe things you take for granted like having a warm place to sleep every night, a job, food) or doing something selfless.

Some of us aren't blessed with normal brain chemistry and struggle with some level of depression throughout life. But this can be handled with proper therapy and medication. You are probably feeling you are at the lowest point in life you have ever been and it's good you are reaching out for help.

 

Even for people with depressive tendencies, being happy is something that can be trained and you won't be struggling to be happy forever.

You can start training this with little things (even if you have to force yourself to do them) like writing down the things you are grateful for (maybe things you take for granted like having a warm place to sleep every night, a job, food) or doing something selfless.

You're right, it is the lowest point of my life, I've been depressed and sucicidal before but never like this and never for so long. I'm really hoping the medication will just lift me from the low points a bit, that's what the GP said anyway.

My therapist has told me stories of people who have been in even worse situations than me and have come through. Some don't even require therapy anymore.

I know things will eventually get better but at the moment I'm not even sure I want to get better or carry on living. It's a very dark place to be in.

Just accept that this will be a very difficult and challenging time for you.

Fighting it and wishing it would be easier and less painful just makes it more difficult.

When in the midst of it, you see no way out. But you will, in time. Just be patient.

Just accept that this will be a very difficult and challenging time for you.

Fighting it and wishing it would be easier and less painful just makes it more difficult.

When in the midst of it, you see no way out. But you will, in time. Just be patient.

I've had some really good advice from a guy in work today that had been through a divorce at my age. He told me it took him 1 year to get over his ex, even though he left her, and 2 years to get over the death of his mum, but you will get over it and grow as a person. He told me not to waste that time though, build and grow as a person - become better.

Even though he didn't get back with his ex he told me they became, and still are, great friends. I hope me and my ex can work things out one day but for now I'm going to rebuild my life and be happy with myself.

This is the most positive I've felt in a long time and although I know there will be more lows ahead, I'm more hopeful that I can get through them.

Excellent. you seem to have great insight. Good luck with everything ahead and stay strong.

I hope me and my ex can work things out one day but for now I'm going to rebuild my life and be happy with myself. This is the most positive I've felt in a long time and although I know there will be more lows ahead, I'm more hopeful that I can get through them.

]I've had some really good advice from a guy in work today that had been through a divorce at my age. He told me it took him 1 year to get over his ex, even though he left her, and 2 years to get over the death of his mum, but you will get over it and grow as a person. He told me not to waste that time though, build and grow as a person - become better.

This the best advise. You friend is very wise.

I have had my challenges in life and though I thought I might die at times because the pain was too much, I look back and I am thankful for a lot of the lessons I learned along the way. It has shaped me into a different person. AS grateful as I am I wouldn't want to go through it again. There has to be a better way to learn, but this has created a great opportunity for you.

If you choose to look at it as a challenge and go into it with the right attitude, it will lesson the pain somewhat and you will get something out of it in return

Excellent. you seem to have great insight. Good luck with everything ahead and stay strong.

Thank you. I'm slightly more hopeful of my future now and hope I can grow into a better version of myself.

]I've had some really good advice from a guy in work today that had been through a divorce at my age. He told me it took him 1 year to get over his ex, even though he left her, and 2 years to get over the death of his mum, but you will get over it and grow as a person. He told me not to waste that time though, build and grow as a person - become better.

 

 

This the best advise. You friend is very wise.

 

I have had my challenges in life and though I thought I might die at times because the pain was too much, I look back and I am thankful for a lot of the lessons I learned along the way. It has shaped me into a different person. AS grateful as I am I wouldn't want to go through it again. There has to be a better way to learn, but this has created a great opportunity for you.

 

If you choose to look at it as a challenge and go into it with the right attitude, it will lesson the pain somewhat and you will get something out of it in return

It's stories such as yours that really give me hope for the future. Don't get me wrong I know it will be hard and I know I've got a lot to work through but I'm going to do my best to do it - I'm not ready to give up on life yet.

I know I've got a lot to make up for with my ex but I'm going to do my best to become a better person and hopefully in the future we can continue our lives together. Even if she's doesn't want to, I'll always be there for her. I honestly couldn't love her anymore.

This is the most positive I've felt in years, I feel like I can do this.