I have big issues with my family and am stuck. Need some advice badly...

Hello and thank you for accepting me to this forum, I have family problems and they are getting serious to the extent that it makes me want to take my life. I am desperate and would never comit suicide if things weren't bad, emotionally. I am a 30 year old woman living with my mom and dad, who are 56 and 62. I know, it's tough. My mom is probably nearing the end of her menopause and my dad is just as silent and useless as he's always been to us as a family.

I live with them because my current bf, with whom I've been for almost 5 years, has finally found a good job, I have been working for 8 years but he wasn't. We are renovating our apartment, and things are going very slowly, that place is not suitable to live in, at all. We are not rich and I don't earn enough to live by myself. He lives with just his mom, and she has always done many things for him, never cared he sleeped til noon, fed him every day and just sometimes argued that he needs a job. He had been working hard, though, since being in a relationship with me, so now we are on the right track.

Still.. I have to live with my parents for now. My mom is the ultimate victim and she has been so since me and my sis were little (my sis is married and been living away for 10 years, in another country). My mother has never done anything without complaining non stop about it, but never asked dad for help, only always complained and shouted at him. They get into big fights even today, when I'm old enough to care and be affected by their continous hatred towards each other. In a sense, she is right. My dad never does anything around the house, it's me and her doing all. True, she has been doing more lately, ever since my heart problems started surfacing. I am constantly in a state of anxiety and depression, I have heart arrythmia and often feel so bad that I can't get out of bed. Been diagnosed 6 years ago, almost, and at first she understood that I just need peace and quiet. But now it's like she doesn't care anymore. Today I had enough, because she is a constant pack of nerves and we can't have a decent meal together without her complaining. The food went down in my stomach like a boulder, and I threw up. After I got better, she started again complaining to me about dad and I said, calmly: 'can I please eat for once in peace?' Of course, that made her even angrier, shouting and telling me how selfish my father and I are and how she's tired of us. Funny thing is, she never has these bursts when my older sis is around, only when it's just me and our dad. If I tell her I feel bad, she answers: and how do you think I feel? She went as far as going to the cardiologyst, because she was sure she has the same problem as me, but guess what, she doesn't. She takes heart medicine though the doc told her she can stop, and she also takes the supplements I take for my heart, even though she's a heavy smoker and coffee drinker. And I need to empasize that I am a very indipendent woman, I was never a burdain for her, did most of my doc visits by myself or with my bf, always cook my own food (she cooks once a week, and mostly so that my dad has food on his plate).

I don't know what to do at this point. Right now I'm in my room with my heart pounding. And I know her, until I go to her and tell her sorry, she will keep being upset. But I cannot apologize anymore for things I haven't done wrong... I am not strong anymore and I always needed her to be the strong one, to be the mom she never was, really. I nearly died of hunger in my Uni years, with them keeping their money in the bank instead of helping me out. They gave me a very small sum of money and from that I had to do everything. In a country whereparents would give their soul to make sure their children have everything they need. With 100 dollars a month I had to live, buy books and also finish my college years with full marks. And mind you, I was already paying for college with my own hard work. They just had to help with food and small rent for my dorm room (which is a VERY small sum here in my country, Eastern Europe). I am desperate. I feel like I have the worst parents ever. They have never been supportive with our dreams. I was abused at work, but my dad laughed in my face about it. I wanted to go to arts school, but my mom told me I had no talent. It's true they have their good days, especially when they get along with each other, but I am tired of being her solace and comfort whenever she feels the need to throw out her negativity. When she fights badly with dad, shhe comes at me crying. WHen I fight with my bf and cry by myself in my room and she sees me, she tells me I am childish and I need to get over it. What to tell her to make her see how badly she's damaging my life non stop? I need any advice I can get, otherwise I will go mad...

The only answer is to move out on your own, Scarlett. But you already know that, right? Time to find a roommate until the apartment is livable in order to save your sanity. Your parents aren't going to change and neither will your situation until you get out on your own. Therapy would be a good idea as well.

Good luck.

I have to admit I don't relate to expecting anything as far as money or a place to live from parents after the time one becomes legally an adult. You do sound like a hard worker and independent, but it also sounds like you hold some resentment towards your parents for not providing more when you were in uni ( a priveledge in itself ) and now when you are in their home again. You might want to work on those expectations, for yourself, in order to find peace with that.

I can almost feel the stress coming off the page from your writings. I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly.

You can't control change in them, only you. For your own health, I think you need to prioritize moving . Maybe a friend? Even another relative til the apartment is ready? Look into options- there are always options.

Think of it this way, if your parents weren't there as a safety net, what would you do? Where would you go? I'm sure you wouldn't be homeless- you'd do what you have to to find a solution.