Fiancee and I broke up months ago and I'm still struggling...

31-year-old male here. My now ex-fiancée, Stephanie, is 25-years-old. We worked together and have known each other for about 3 years. We dated for about a year and half and then I asked her to marry me in November 2016 and she said YES! Unfortunately, our relationship started to go downhill in January. Here's the story:

January -- She meets a new group of friends. They like to go out and drink a lot. She starts going out with these girls a lot more often than usual. Her personality starts to change and all of a sudden she starts questioning things in our relationship and me. We start fighting a lot over really stupid things that don't even matter.

April -- We go to our friends' wedding a few states away. Stay there the entire weekend. She's in the wedding. After rehearsal dinner she starts the biggest fight we've ever been in about how "I haven't done this" and how "I need to do this and that." The fight gets pretty loud in the hotel room. I was concerned someone was going to call the police. None of it makes any sense and none of it is even true. Almost like she's making things up to start a fight. We kiss and make up the next morning.

May -- The fighting continues in May and eventually, I get tired of it, so I ask her for a break so we can think about things and figure out how to fix the relationship. She breaks down and cries a lot, but agrees to it. A few days later, we talk, but I feel like she's not getting the point. Again, the focus is always on me, not her. We continue the break, but then a week later, she breaks up with me saying she can't do the break, but wants to do counseling. She says she wants to hold onto the ring through counseling. However, over the next couple of weeks, she ignores me and my attempts to go to counseling. So I ask for the ring back. She gives it back.

June -- We don't talk for two weeks and then I reach out to her saying I don't want to regret that we didn't try counseling. She tells me she misses me so we decided to do counseling. We do three sessions through June. Even though we are doing counseling, she doesn't want to spend much time together, in fact, she cancelled plans on me twice and then on our anniversary, she makes plans with her girlfriends. Also, through counseling, she didn't even try. There was no effort. I feel like she's not invested and that again, the focus is on me, not on her. So I end it again. She begs me to stay with her, but I say no because she's not even trying.

July -- We barely talk through the month of July, until sometime at the end of the month. We were both alone at work on a Saturday and started talking about things. That talking turned into kissing and telling each other how we love one another and want to try again. I tell her that I have a job opportunity a few states away and may be moving. However, the next day, she never replies to any of my texts. When I talk to her on that Monday, she says she changed her mind about getting back together, but wants to go to dinner with me before I move... for "closure." I tell her I don't think that's a good idea.

August -- I talked with her a couple of times. The first one was a good, emotional talk, but then something happened. I found out from a co-worker that she's dating anther man and has been dating him since June. The strange thing is that he lives three hours away. Also, he's not even really her type. I guess they met at a sporting event while we were still together. I confronted her about it and she admitted it to me. The conversation turned into an argument and she said dozens of hurtful things to me on the phone. She basically stated that because I asked for a break back in May, that was the worst rejection she's ever had in her life and it's been difficult for her to get over it.

September -- I got the job!!! The ex found out about the move, which is 900 miles away. She called, texted and begged for me to meet with her to talk. We did and the conversation went well. During my last few weeks there, she showed up at my house a few times randomly. I felt like she was really trying to make things work. It seemed as though the new guy was out of the picture. I ran into her at a bar one night and she was wasted! She told me she loved me and that nobody will ever compare to me.

When I moved, she insisted she wanted to try to make things work. And stupidly, I believed her. Because guess what? The other guy was still in the picture. When I found out she was still talking to him, I asked her to stop and she said she wouldn't. So, I ended it with her. I went no contact for three weeks. Then, I had to return home to move the rest of my stuff. She found out I was back in town through co workers and called, texted me dozens of times. I told her to stop. Then... I kid you not, she called my Mom!!! My Mom gave it to her good and told her to leave me alone and to let me live my life. My Mother, who LOVED this girl, told her how disappointed she was in her. Clearly wasn't the response she was expecting. I was NC for three weeks and then an email from her!

"The last few months have not been easy. They’ve been the most trying moments of my existence. I’ve learned a lot about myself, as I know you have, and our breakup hasn’t gotten any easier, it’s just gotten more complicated.

I think we’ve both recognized our mistakes, you’re just more outspoken about yours than I have been.

I often think back on how I could have changed the outcome… or if I even could have. I resented many things about our relationship, but I fought for it because I love you.

I learned that I can’t figure out what it is I want. I know what I don’t want, but I can’t tell you WHAT IT IS I WANT. I’m so twisted and it’s a personality trait I’ve learned to hate about myself.

I WANTED you to know that while we were broken up, I still wanted us. I still wanted you and because I still had our engagement ring, I WANTED to keep trying. But I didn’t know if it was going to work, because I felt that you shouldn’t have to be apart to know if the person you want to marry is right for you.

So the fear of the unknown made me unsure of WHAT I WANTED… and eventually, when I didn’t have the ring anymore, I figured out what I DIDN’T WANT. I didn’t want to hurt anymore, I didn’t want to cry myself to sleep and I didn’t want to be depressed… so I gave up.

Every day I cried a little less, until I didn’t cry anymore. But the darkness has come back to haunt me all over again.

When I went through waves of pain and depression, I did something that would cheer me up. Anything to distract me from the pain. I made a lot of impulsive decisions too, but it made me happy in that moment, and it was an easy fix to avoid the darkness.

Seeing you every day at work helped ease my pain. Now your desk at work is cleared out and empty, and the darkness came back. The tears at night came back. The heartbreak and missing you hit me again.

I don’t know what I want, but I know it’s not this heartbreak.

All I can say is I'm sorry for all the pain that I've caused you, but I hope the highs were worth the lows. Because they were to me.

All my love,

Stephanie."

I didn't reply to her message. Also want to add that she and the other guy are Facebook "official" now.

What do you make of all this???

I am really sorry you went through all this, but thank goodness you saw her true colors before you made a marriage commitment. I would stick to complete NC with this person and block her at all points. You are still struggling because you have not completely split from her (still communicating). I would not drag this drama out any further. She is not ready to be anyone's wife. I am sorry!

Congratulations on your new job. You have an opportunity to start fresh and leave her and the drama she has created in the dust.

I am really sorry you went through all this, but thank goodness you saw her true colors before you made a marriage commitment. I would stick to complete NC with this person and block her at all points. You are still struggling because you have not completely split from her (still communicating). I would not drag this drama out any further. She is not ready to be anyone's wife. I am sorry!

 

Congratulations on your new job. You have an opportunity to start fresh and leave her and the drama she has created in the dust.

I've been no contact for three weeks.

Any idea as to what seems to be happening with her??? This just doesn't seem like her at all.

I've been no contact for three weeks.

 

Any idea as to what seems to be happening with her??? This just doesn't seem like her at all.

Unfortunately no. I do know it’s quite common and something I have experienced as well. It’ll do you no good trying to figure it out. I had to conclude that perhaps I did not know my guy as well as I thought I did. She’s still young. Probably has some maturing to do.

Unfortunately no. I do know it’s quite common and something I have experienced as well. It’ll do you no good trying to figure it out. I had to conclude that perhaps I did not know my guy as well as I thought I did. She’s still young. Probably has some maturing to do.

You went through something like this?

What a drama queen she is.

What's happening with her is that she feels guilty for hurting you and cozying up to some other guy while you were still together. She is young and doesn't know what she wants, beyond knowing she is not ready for a big commitment like marriage.

Unfortunately, she was not mature enough to tell you directly that she was having doubts about the relationship so she staged fights and turned it around on you. Also, it's more than likely she came looking for you when she and her new guy were still in the uncertain stage but bailed again when they were on more solid footing.

I understand that it hurts, but be glad that you did not marry her. She was nowhere near ready for it.

She's a stupid little child, but you're not entirely faultless here.

When a girl meets a new group of friends and changes personalities, that's 100% red flag. Nothing wrong with going out and such, but to completely change your life? It shows she's still not mature enough for a relationship.

Also, why would you propose after one year of dating? Are you crazy? That's how bad marriages happen.

And lastly, can't you grow some balls and be done with this girl? She's stringing you along while the other guy plays the hot and cold game. Seriously, get some self respect.

Maybe this new job will make you see things clearly.

I just hope the next girl you find won''t be like this one, because you seem like a pushover and that's never good.

Also, why would you propose after one year of dating? Are you crazy? That's how bad marriages happen.

 

And lastly, can't you grow some balls and be done with this girl? She's stringing you along while the other guy plays the hot and cold game. Seriously, get some self respect.

 

Maybe this new job will make you see things clearly.

I just hope the next girl you find won''t be like this one, because you seem like a pushover and that's never good.

Obviously you didn't read that we were close friends first.

Secondly, your bedside manner sucks. Way to be a jerk.

 

Also, why would you propose after one year of dating? Are you crazy? That's how bad marriages happen.

This is not necessarily true. I have known people in very ltr get married and divorce within months or a few years of a crap marriage and others meet, engage and marry in under a year and have very healthy lasting marriages. This is not cookie cutter, although I agree it could certainly seem more of a risk.

OP, maybe in time you will realize there were some signs of emotional instability there, no matter how perfect you think everything was. I said the same, I couldn't believe my ex turned into this different person, but as my emotions settled and I had time to objectively reflect there were some statements he had made, some past behavior that I knew of in his prior relationships that should have clued me in to his potential to flip. It all seemed so insignificant at the time. Regardless, just stay NC. This person is no good for you. You will never have all the answers but the pain will pass in time if you allow it.

OP, maybe in time you will realize there were some signs of emotional instability there, no matter how perfect you think everything was. I said the same, I couldn't believe my ex turned into this different person, but as my emotions settled and I had time to objectively reflect there were some statements he had made, some past behavior that I knew of in his prior relationships that should have clued me in to his potential to flip. It all seemed so insignificant at the time. Regardless, just stay NC. This person is no good for you. You will never have all the answers but the pain will pass in time if you allow it.

Yes. I'm staying no contact. I guess what makes this so difficult is the fact that during our relationship... everything was fine. She said she wanted to get married and have kids. I wanted the same. That's why I asked her to marry me. We started planning the wedding and then boom... she meets new girlfriends and changes.

I guess somewhere deep down inside, she wasn't ready for marriage, even though she said she was. She definitely has some growing up to do.

I am sorry you went through this. To me, 1 1/2 years is too soon for an engagement for most people.

I do think that besides the anger issues, she is just simply a 25 year old who does not know if she is quite ready to settle down/get married just right now. I don't think - except for the arguing - that its anything deep and twisted other than that. She is still trying to figure out who she is and what she wants. Some people at 25 already know all that and some are ready to meet "the one" and some are not.

As far as being ready for marriage --- some people think they are or get swept up in the excitement of the engagement and then decide they are not. its not really about "growing up" but being ready if that makes sense. And maybe there is some truth in that the combination of you two just didn't go together. I have seen some couples be very heated and then they both meet someone new and that dynamic does not exist in their new relationships

I think not replying to her is the best course of action. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

I think you hit the nail on the head OP - deep inside her she wasn't ready for marriage. Her new group of friends didn't cause this, though your ex could have certainly been reminded what being young and carefree is all about.

The bottom line is that if truly wanted and was ready to marry you, her new social life wouldn't have drastically affected her like this.

I am sorry you went through this. To me, 1 1/2 years is too soon for an engagement for most people.

 

I do think that besides the anger issues, she is just simply a 25 year old who does not know if she is quite ready to settle down/get married just right now. I don't think - except for the arguing - that it's anything deep and twisted other than that. She is still trying to figure out who she is and what she wants. Some people at 25 already know all that and some are ready to meet "the one" and some are not.

 

As far as being ready for marriage --- some people think they are or get swept up in the excitement of the engagement and then decide they are not. its not really about "growing up" but being ready if that makes sense. And maybe there is some truth in that the combination of you two just didn't go together. I have seen some couples be very heated and then they both meet someone new and that dynamic does not exist in their new relationships.

 

I think not replying to her is the best course of action. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

Just hate how everything ended so badly. Also don't understand how she can say all this stuff and be in a new relationship with someone new.

I think you hit the nail on the head OP - deep inside her she wasn't ready for marriage. Her new group of friends didn't cause this, though your ex could have certainly been reminded what being young and carefree is all about.

 

The bottom line is that if truly wanted and was ready to marry you, her new social life wouldn't have drastically affected her like this.

I agree. The new friends and social life brought out a side of her that she was already feeling she was missing.

She graduated college, moved back in with her parents and started her first job at the place we worked together. Three years later, she is still living with her parents and working at the same place. I guess she is just trying to figure out who she is and how she fits into the world.

I wonder if she started to resent me because of the proposal... because deep down inside, she wanted to be free and find herself. Hmm...