Cohabiting partner of three years may not be the one for me

I currently live with my girlfriend in a rented apartment. We've been together for just over three years and have lived together for two. We're both in our 20s.

I'm not unhappy in our relationship, exactly, but I have deep concerns that she and I aren't right for each other. I wish I could say that these are fresh concerns, but the idea has crossed my mind on a number of occasions over the past three years. I first gave the idea serious merit about eight months ago and ended up dismissing it. I'm now having much the same thoughts but I've put a little more effort into really drilling down to what is making me feel this way.

Neither of us have done anything to wrong the other in any overt or acute way. No cheating, no abuse, no run-ins with the law; nothing like that. I don't doubt that we're in love. I do have serious doubts about the longevity of the relationship.

I of course had a feeling that things weren't right and, as such, I've spent some time reading through articles online about "signs he/she is the one" or, conversely, "signs he/she isn't the one". I naturally take these articles into consideration along with other factors, but it's hard to ignore what I've thought since reading such things. I must continue to clarify that I don't think my girlfriend is a bad person and I don't harbour significant negativity with regards to the relationship; I do have strong feelings that we could each be happier with someone else, though.

While these feelings have come to the fore of my mind infrequently, they have appeared more than once. My girlfriend may have some emotional insight into this as she occasionally asks me questions like "Why are you with me?" or "Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is like ?". This might come from her own insecurity or doubts about the relationship, or she might genuinely be more attuned to my emotions than I give her credit for.

I could justify my doubts at length but I'm not sure what it would gain. I suppose I'm posting here in the hopes that somebody who reads this has been through a similar process and taken action one way or the other. Did you stay with them? Did you leave? Did you make the right choice? Do you have any regrets?

There are also practicalities that might prevent me from following through, even if I decided it was in our best interests to separate. What do I do about the remaining time on our rental agreement (the best part of a year)? What about our pets? I worry that she doesn't have much of a life besides me; where will she go? Is this my concern? How much time and effort is proper to invest in making sure she's happy after we're no longer in a romantic relationship? Could you, the reader, share any of your own thoughts if you've been through this, or know someone who has?

I was with her for five years. We didn't fight, but then I am not sure there was any passion in that relationship either. We were there because we loved each other and we just happened to be travelling in the same direction. We needed each other and loved each other deeply. But in the end, we were just not right for each other, and it took me growing depressed to end it.

Don't stay in a relationship with someone who you don't feel that special connection to. If you have had that funny feeling it isn't right more than once; then it isn't right. You are both young and learning what you want from relationships. It is still going to hurt like hell to break it, but you will eventually do just that. Just be prepared when you do.

I have been in your shoes, too. We had been together 5 years and he was a lovely person, but I just didn't feel excited about a future with him.

We broke up, and while I felt terrible hurting him, I had no regrets. That was more than a decade ago now, and I still have never had a feeling of regret. I have gone on to have much more fulfilling relationship experiences.

You know what you need to do.

Thank you for the responses.

Did either of you maintain contact with your ex after such a long time together? I feel like there's room for a friendship between us in the future, but wonder if we'd hurt too much for that.

For the first 3 months we did not see each other, then after that she got a new boyfriend and they were together 10 years. At the beginning, I used to hang out with them from time to time. She and I knew that there was nothing more between us and were happy to be just friends. She is now in a long-term relationship with the best friend I had when we were together. I do think they are better suited and I have no qualms about it. It has been a long time since we have spoken, but she is still the only girlfriend I am friends with on social media.

Thank you for the responses.

 

Did either of you maintain contact with your ex after such a long time together? I feel like there's room for a friendship between us in the future, but wonder if we'd hurt too much for that.

For a couple months thereafter, yes. We lived together and needed to sort out the logisitics of moving out and dividing up furniture and so on. He still wanted to get back together so he continued to call and ask me to meet (this was before smartphones and social media)

I met someone a couple months after we split, and started seeing this person. I was honest with my ex that I was moving on. After that, contact ceased, beyond bumping into him a couple times here and there in the small town we're both from. We have not seen or spoken to each other in well over 10 years, though I know through the grapevine that he's now married and has children. I have also long since moved on from that relationship and feel indifferent about the fact that we fell out of touch.

For a couple months thereafter, yes. We lived together and needed to sort out the logisitics of moving out and dividing up furniture and so on. He still wanted to get back together so he continued to call and ask me to meet (this was before smartphones and social media)

 

I met someone a couple months after we split, and started seeing this person. I was honest with my ex that I was moving on. After that, contact ceased, beyond bumping into him a couple times here and there in the small town we're both from. We have not seen or spoken to each other in well over 10 years, though I know through the grapevine that he's now married and has children. I have also long since moved on from that relationship and feel indifferent about the fact that we fell out of touch.

Would you recommend sorting this sort of stuff out beforehand, if you could do it again? I could probably stay with some friend or another temporarily. I'm not sure if I'd necessarily prefer this, but I imagine it would be easier for both of us if we weren't sharing an apartment and, worse, a bed.

Would you recommend sorting this sort of stuff out beforehand, if you could do it again? I could probably stay with some friend or another temporarily. I'm not sure if I'd necessarily prefer this, but I imagine it would be easier for both of us if we weren't sharing an apartment and, worse, a bed.

Yes, and I actually did so as well. I was still quite young then and just moved back into my parents' home. I gave them the heads-up that a break-up was likely coming and asked if I could come home, if it came to that.

Staying together under the same roof is not a good option when you're no longer a couple. The aformentioned ex and I never did spend a night in the same place again.