Another last chance?

My spouse and I have been married for 11 years. We have three children together. For the last several years, I’ve thought about leaving. I’ve been quite unhappy in our marriage, and we have discussed it a couple times over the years. Every time I brought up the issues I had in the marriage, there would be promises that things would change. I’d ask for marriage counselling, and there would be a promise that things could make things right. It was said we wouldn’t have time for counselling because we worked opposite shifts, and we were also tight on finances. I would be made to believe that things would change, that things would get better. There was follow through. Whenever I’d bring it up, bring up that things are still the same as they’d ever been, that I was still unhappy…depression or stress at work would be to blame. This summer, after months of individual therapy (at my spouse’s request, because if I’m unhappy in the marriage I needed to figure out why) I finally got the courage to ask for a divorce. Currently, we’re in marriage counseling, and my spouse is working really hard to try to save our marriage...but I’m already checked out. I find it very difficult to care anymore. I haven’t even cried.

Backstory (as brief as possible): Our relationship has been one-sided since the start. I’ve been at home with the kids for the last five years, and have been lucky enough to receive a work from home position in my company to work evenings and supplement our income. I would get up around 6:00am every morning, start some housework, get the kids up and prepped for school, get them off to the bus (at least the ones in school) do more housework, lawn work, run errands, etc. All the stay at home parent type things. I did all the cleaning, cooking, and childcare tasks. I would then get the kids off the bus, and start my job which would go until midnight. I also worked 10 hours every Saturday and Sunday morning, because my spouse felt it was important for us to have a couple nights off together during the week. Generally, these were the nights of the kid’s soccer practice so I could help shuttle the kids around. If there was no child events, our evenings were left silently sitting on the couch watching TV, while I would do more housework.

Honestly, I don’t mind doing most of the housework. I enjoy it. I’m the type of person that has to stay busy all the time. But, with raising three kids, keeping the house clean, keeping the yard maintained...it gets to be a lot. I’ve begged over the years for help, to no avail. We finally came to the agreement that the ONLY chore I wouldn’t be to fold and put away laundry (I detest folding laundry) but after a couple years of it not being done, I ended up teaching the kids how to help me (they’re young) My spouse would come home from work every night, sit on the couch to watch TV, and shoo the kids into the other room. Work being stressful, or being too tired was always the excuse.

We’ve never had a sex life. Early on, we would have sex every couple months. The last several years, it’s been 3-4 times per year. Not even birthday/anniversary, etc. It was always random. I have ALWAYS been the one to initiate. There has never really been any interest showed in me. I would ask to simply cuddle in bed, and I would get either a groan, then roll over and allow me to cuddle, or outright refusal. We’ve discussed this, with no resolution as well.

Whenever we’d discuss my issues with the marriage, I would always be given the ultimatum of “if this is so bad, what are we even doing here” at which point I would give in, heartbroken. I would walk away from these talks hopeful, but still somehow defeated. I knew in my heart nothing would ever actually change. I would always find renewed drive to make things better though. I would always be able to dig deeper, and push forward hoping for that change that ultimately would never come.

About 3 years ago, my kids, and the neighbor kids became close friends. They would play together almost every day. It was nice being able to spend time with an adult (the other parent was also stay-at-home) Grownup conversations were something I hadn’t had in a couple years, and it was a pleasant change. One day, though, I found myself having a sexual fantasy about my neighbor. I panicked. I tried to brush it off as nothing, but my guilt got the better of me and I told my spouse. It was immediate accusation of an affair. The accusations were so fierce, I was actually convinced myself that I had an affair (until recently after speaking with my therapist have I learned otherwise) That moment scared me though. It made me push harder for our marriage than I’d ever pushed before. Since then, it’s only been held over my head. Whenever I’ve attempted to bring up issues in our marriage now, the only reply is “Well, I’VE never gone outside the marriage. I’ve never hurt YOU like that” Move forward to this summer. I met another friend through my youngest’s pre-school. We got along great, enjoyed spending time together. Grownup talk again! When I asked for the divorce, my spouse accused me of having an emotional affair with my new friend. Accused me of having feelings for another person. After being told this several times, I finally said “yes, we have feelings for each other!” The problem was, I said it out of anger. I didn’t honestly think it or believe it at the time….but after saying it, a lot of confusion entered my head. Now, my spouse is obsessed with my two affairs, and everything wrong in our marriage is my fault. Now I can’t be trusted, and I have to prove my love.

We’ve been seeing a couples therapist since I asked for the divorce. The therapist is convinced that I want a divorce because of this other person. My spouse is as well. I feel like I’ve been emotionally abused, and manipulated since our relationship started. I’m not able to speak around my spouse. My thoughts just disappear. I’m honestly afraid. I’ve brought that up in counselling, that I’m afraid when I’m around my spouse. I’m afraid to open up. I’m afraid of being hurt. It always ends up coming back to me having to do the work.

Am I crazy? Am I missing something? This all seems so backwards. I KNOW I’m supposed to stay here and work on our marriage. It’s the right thing for the kids. Honestly, my spouse HAS been doing more around the house, and showing more affection towards me. Sex has been wanted almost every night, although now I’m really not comfortable with it. I’m not enjoying it at all….but I’m told that it’s important in a marriage to have sex, and we just need to do it until it’s comfortable again. I don’t want to be here anymore, but whenever I say it, I’m called a coward for not being willing to put in the effort. I have been a single parent for so long, I’m not afraid to be one anymore. I want to be….but I also want dignity. Where do I go from here?

So you are effectively working alone, every day from 6 am until midnight, then an additional 10 hours each day on weekends. No breaks, no holidays, no days off. Day in and out, year after year. I don't know how you haven't lost your mind thus far. You are a very strong person in some respects. Yet in the face of that, your husband comes home, does nothing and complains about being tired or stressed? You've got to be kidding.

Unfortunately, some of this is on you in that you are playing super woman while allowing your spouse to get away with absolute bs and do nothing toward contributing to his own family outside of a paycheck. On top of that, he is blatantly gaslighting you by accusing of having some kind of affairs when you didn't. This is him deflecting any guilt and responsibility for the marriage failing onto you, exactly the same way that he has been deflecting all other responsibilities regarding the household and child raising onto you as well. Thing is, you are allowing it.

If you clam up about issues when confronted, then have your husband leave the room, pull out a notebook and read out loud all the issues and YOUR side of the truth of the problems in your marriage to the therapist. Therapists aren't mind readers, they can only advise you both based on the information you share with them. Right now, the only one speaking up is your husband and he is pulling quite a number on you.

Ultimately, there comes a point where there is such a thing as too little too late. I can't tell you whether to carry on with counseling or walk away. I would advise you to give the above a shot - write it all out, read it to the therapist, give them a chance to fully hear YOUR side of the story and see if that helps and brings some balance into the counseling sessions. If you do feel that it is over, then you need to do what you haven't done in 11 years - stand up for yourself, get a good lawyer and end things.

Thank you, it's at least nice to know I'm not crazy.

We've done individual sessions with our therapist, and she was quite surprised how much more vocal I was, how much more sure of myself I was. She stated that our relationship is "very complicated" but she's still hopeful for a positive outcome. My spouse had an individual session the following week, and I feel they only discussed the "affairs" because week three with both of us there, that ended up being the topic of discussion again. It feels like I'm constantly spinning my wheels.

You are not crazy, but I do think that you are in some respects too nice, too weak in some ways, failing to enforce boundaries within your marriage, failing to demand (not ask, beg or plead for) but demand that your husband take on appropriate responsibilities within the marriage and again, enforce them, failing to stand up for your own needs and just sacrificing yourself for everyone else and their needs. Eventually you are going to break if you keep going like this. Your husband, however is not only walking all over you as a result, but is gaslighting you to boot. (Watch the movie Gasligting - it might open your eyes a bit to what's happening with you).

Therapists aren't always interested in the cure, some are more interested in their own wallet. The longer you two keep going, the better off she is. So do take these kinds of things with a grain of salt. It sounds like your husband is very good at pulling wool over people's eyes at large, not just yours. So don't feel too bad, BUT consider getting your own therapist to help you sort your head out and figure out what's black and what's white. Sounds to me like somewhere along the way, you've lost that perspective. Either way, I'd still encourage you to write down what you need to say to make sure it all comes out.

Sorry to hear of your pain.

If you are interested in trying to save the marriage have a look at "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman . I believe it's a must-read/must-hear book for anyone in a longterm relationship. It's a book about people having different ways of expressing love to each other. If you learn the 'love language' of your partner you can show them you love them 'in their language' not your own. Your husband would need to take it on board as well.

Here's a link to a sample:

Good luck.

Your post could've been written by me four years ago except I was accused of only 1 affair--(Who to this day is still just a friend.) and some aspects of your intimacy. I'm guessing my fear factor was much higher for good reason and I unknowingly had gone into a depression years earlier thinking that I was not "allowed" to get divorced.

The marriage counselor finally said to me in private session--There are people who do something about their problems and there are people who just want to complain about it.

I decided to do something about it.

You have been doing everything. How about taking care of yourself? Whatever that means to you.

I don't wish divorce on anyone. Don't do it if you don't need to is my advice. But if your sanity is being threatened, or ruined, no one else is going to take care of it except you. He is abusive emotionally, at the minimum.

It took 2-3 years to process--but legally divorced for almost 2 years now and I can say I've never thought it was a mistake.

Best wishes to you for peace.

Did you have a reasonable/intelligent, non-rushed discovery period? (Dating)

Did you come from compatible backgrounds?

We dated roughly 9 months before getting engaged. We got married 9 months after that, pregnant after another 9 months.

OP, whether you two work things out or not, I do think that there are two critical things you need to work on for yourself - learning how/when to take care of and prioritize your own needs AND how to assert yourself effectively. Especially the latter. You are going to counseling, but both your husband and the therapist are walking all over you because you are still not able to assert yourself, speak out for your needs, tell your truths effectively. The result is that people are speaking for you and making wrong presumptions on your behalf because your own voice isn't effectively refuting them. I really really would urge you to find someone to personally help you with that.

Effective communication - you speak once and people sit up and hear you. Ineffective communication - you speak a thousand times, beg, plead and nobody hears you.

How about backgrounds? What was his Father/Family like?