What to do after first date?

I've met a girl working in a bank office while I was there to arrange some things and later I added her on FB (3 months ago). We've been messaging each other occasionally, nothing special. Tried to get her out on a date with me a couple of times but the circumstances were against it.

Never mind, I got her number eventually and we went out on Sunday. Spent 4 hours at a couple of places and I really enjoyed it! Sent her a message on the next day to tell her I had a wonderful time and threw out a hint for next date. She told me she had too enjoyed the time spent together and the conversation continued with some other topics.

In the next couple of days we exchanged some messages but nothing special. I asked what her plans for the weekend were but it turned out she will spend it with her parents in the countryside and so I continued with some other general topics.

What do I do now? I've been out of the dating scene for a long time (more than 4 years) and honestly - I don't know how to act. Should I call or message her more, should I pull back and wait for her?

It appears she is not so entusiastic when it comes to messaging. In these 3 months most of the times I initiate a conversation and she doesn't like to write a lot. Sometimes out of the blue she just shoots a "hello" or some cat video from FB, which I totally don't undertand the point of (given the fact that we hadn't had messaged for a couple of weeks before that) What is that behaviour??

During our meeting she was a total opposite. She was smiling, highly energetic, I could hardly tell anything about me, she told me a TON of things about her life, she was even joking with me and holding my elbow and leaning on me I don't understand women AT ALL! I am now in a complete mystery about what should I do...

I can't tell you how to improve it (hopefully someone else here can) but I can tell you that her interest level is pretty low at the moment. Look up ways that you can get out of the 'friendzone' and make yourself more appealing as a romantic partner. As a female who friendzones guys frequently, I don't think I can be of much help to you here! All I know is that you need to ramp things up in the interpersonal attraction department if it's going to lead anywhere

What do I do now? I've been out of the dating scene for a long time (more than 4 years) and honestly - I don't know how to act. Should I call or message her more, should I pull back and wait for her?

I would definitely keep in contact. Like every few days or so. You don't want things to go cold. They don't have to be long conversations.

Sometimes out of the blue she just shoots a "hello" or some cat video from FB, which I totally don't undertand the point of (given the fact that we hadn't had messaged for a couple of weeks before that) What is that behaviour??

It's a good thing. She likes you. She's basically telling you that.

During our meeting she was a total opposite. She was smiling, highly energetic, I could hardly tell anything about me, she told me a TON of things about her life, she was even joking with me and holding my elbow and leaning on me I don't understand women AT ALL! I am now in a complete mystery about what should I do...

Sounds terrific. Keep in touch with her and get her on another date.

Call her up, and ask her out for next Saturday. Done.

Well, things escalated quickly I messaged her and asked to meet in the morning before she goes to her parents, to have some coffee. It turned out she is in a distress as she had to stay overtime (for third day in a row) because there were some problems in the bank office she works at.

I offered to get her home with my car (she works in my neighbourhood but lives in the other part of the town). She told me it's not necessary, but she is hungry and hinted me at going out for a dinner.

We went to a pizza restaurant and spent 3 hours talking (mostly her of course) - no need to tell you my head was going to explode from such amount of information I've never been with such an open and talkative person (my ex was the total opposite). I became overwhelmed by her energy, it is something new for me, when it comes to contact with women.

I tried to be more physical, touched her more and was standing close to her. Did not try to kiss her as I didn't know how/when. As I said I am totally out of business.

Never mind. Got her home and wished her a nice weekend. Exchanged a couple of messages later and now I am back to the ignorant state . Don't know what to do, but at least it's fun hahah

This is tough because you are so fresh. All I can give are general rules at this point:

*Keep conversation playful and fun (steer it away from any negative or serious conversation as fast as possible)

*Stay off the phone/texting machine as much as possible between dates

*Move in to kiss her the next time you get together no matter what, no matter how awkward it is--and don't ask if you can kiss her or if she'd like to kiss. You'll know quickly if she doesn't want to if she turns awkwardly from you as you move in

*Date in such a way that she is doing more talking so you're not sitting there talking all about yourself

*Avoid "over-pursuing" her at all costs--if you've texted or called last, and she hasn't messaged back, wait a week and reach out again to see when she's free to get together.

**Don't contact her just to see how she's doing. Contact her to set up dates. The dates are for seeing how she's been doing, and vice versa.

And I personally would be pursuing dates with others as well, but that's just the way I am between girlfriends. I (and others) believe this way of dating is a great way to meet multiple prospects before you've decided to get serious with one particular one. It also keeps you more balanced and prevents you from getting to "into" a woman before she has truly earned your trust and respect.

Great advice! Thank you!

*I try to keep the conversation playful and we don't exchange much messages. We don't talk on the phone (just a couple of times to arrange the 1st date).

*I will try to kiss her at the next date (if there is one). I was going to do it on the 2nd date, but just couldn't see an appropriate situation for that.

*We DO date in a way she is doing more of the talking (way more ). As I said she talks a lot and I listen to her carefully.

*I don't pursue her a lot. We were FB friends for 3 months before the 1st date and I messaged her 2-3 times a month. She initiated a conversation a couple of times with, as I said, strange things (just "hello" or some FB video of cats LOL). I didn't mention that we were strangers before the 1st date. I added her on FB although she didn't know me at all (I was a customer of her bank office once).

*So I shouldn't message her about general things and to have a conversation? Just for setting up dates? I've been doing it wrong until now, I guess

no need to tell you my head was going to explode from such amount of information

 

Lol.

 

Did not try to kiss her as I didn't know how/when.

 

For the kiss, it doesn't have to be at the end of the date. If you think things are going well and you're on a high point, feel free to try. You are the man though, it's on you to put yourself out there and try. At a certain point you're going to have to go for it.

 

Don't get phased by it if you get rejected too. It's not the end of the story. Just back off and do normal talk and try again later.

 

Exchanged a couple of messages later and now I am back to the ignorant state . Don't know what to do, but at least it's fun hahah

 

Great that you're having fun. Keep it up. I'd keep messaging her periodically and get her out on another date. I would definitely try to kiss her next time you see her though. It has to go in one direction or the other.

*We DO date in a way she is doing more of the talking (way more ). As I said she talks a lot and I listen to her carefully.

It sounds like she talks about herself WAY more than she talks about you. That's not good. You want to give her a snapshot into your world. Give her a reason to like you other than "He listens to me when I talk." Talk about yourself and what you value.

*So I shouldn't message her about general things and to have a conversation? Just for setting up dates? I've been doing it wrong until now, I guess

 

I disagree with this dating meme. Talking over the phone or messaging in between dates is a way that you build more of a connection and stay on her radar. You'll still have plenty of things to talk about when you see her.

She acknowledges that she speaks way too much She tells me that but it's in such a cute and silly way, something like "oh, sorry, I am talking again/too much". I find it cute. She is very expressive I guess. I will take note of your opinions. I will try to show her more of myself and will try not to build more of a connection. Is that right?

No, you want TO try and build a connection with her. There is a risk of getting friendzoned, but there's a better solution to that than ignoring the girl in between dates. Instead, you progress the interaction forward by escalating physically and emotionally.

And if she's a talker, you're going to have to interject yourself into the conversation, possibly at times by interrupting her. You may not feel very nice doing it, but it's what's necessary to prevent her from dominating the conversation.

My mistake! I wanted to say "I have TO build a connection with her", like you said. But, honestly, I don't know how to do that, how to progress the interaction forward and escalate things. She is very strange person or I am totally ignorant when it comes to women

We have not exchanged many messages through these 3 months but most of the time I am the one initiating a conversation. Of course, we didn't know each other prior to our first date, I was just some stranger from Facebook. But still I don't know - isn't she interested, is she shy or whatever?

I feel exhausted trying always to start a conversation online (not that I do it frequently) and I don't know what to message her about. She is busy in the workdays and the conversations are not long and most of the times it gets nowhere. She just stops responding. Although sometimes she just spits out some complaints about difficulties at work or life in general, what am I supposed to be to her? A girlfriend?

In person she is very talkative as I said. I am very confused and I may be deep into the friendzone now, who knows

I am now in a dilemma as I don't want to be pushy/needy and as I said - I start to feel exhausted from all this chasing. So I think of not contacting her for some time? What do you think?

My mistake! I wanted to say "I have TO build a connection with her", like you said. But, honestly, I don't know how to do that, how to progress the interaction forward and escalate things. She is very strange person or I am totally ignorant when it comes to women

Here's a video on escalation (I hope the link works):

We have not exchanged many messages through these 3 months but most of the time I am the one initiating a conversation. Of course, we didn't know each other prior to our first date, I was just some stranger from Facebook. But still I don't know - isn't she interested, is she shy or whatever?

You will only find the answer to this if you escalate. If she likes you, she'll allow it. If she is still undecided, she will stop you, but continue talking to you. If she doesn't like you, she'll end it. If she's friendzoned you, she'll let you know that too.

I feel exhausted trying always to start a conversation online (not that I do it frequently) and I don't know what to message her about. She is busy in the workdays and the conversations are not long and most of the times it gets nowhere. She just stops responding.

You're the man, so you gotta suck it up and just do it. But best is to try and amuse yourself a little. If you're having fun, it won't seem like work.

Although sometimes she just spits out some complaints about difficulties at work or life in general, what am I supposed to be to her? A girlfriend?

 

In person she is very talkative as I said. I am very confused and I may be deep into the friendzone now, who knows

Possibly, so you need to address that now. Either you can change the direction of this interaction or spend your time on somebody else.

I am now in a dilemma as I don't want to be pushy/needy and as I said - I start to feel exhausted from all this chasing. So I think of not contacting her for some time? What do you think?

I think it's a bad idea. You haven't been forward enough in the key category of moving things forward between the two of you. I'd hang out with her again with the goal of making a move on her. It's now or never.

So how long should I wait before messaging her again and trying to get another date? I wrote her yesterday and offered to drive her home (she was coming back to town) but she politely refused. I don't think pushing her again in the next couple of days will be a good idea?

You can give her a few days then touch base with her. Not too much stress.

Start talking to some other girls too. It will accelerate your learning.

Ok, I will wait several days and see what happens. As for the other girls to talk to - there aren't any I am almost 30 year old and there aren't any new people around me. My friends are the same, my colleagues are the same etc. I don't meet new people at all. I have to do cold approach if I want to meet new women but then I risk looking like a weirdo

As for the other girls to talk to - there aren't any

From Wikipedia: "Sofia is the capital and largest city of Bulgaria. 1.26 million people live in the city and 1.68 million people live in its metropolitan area."

Come on man; there are plenty of girls waiting for you in a city of that size. I live in a similar sized city and I see available girls all the time. Don't make excuses.

I am almost 30 year old and there aren't any new people around me. My friends are the same, my colleagues are the same etc. I don't meet new people at all. I have to do cold approach if I want to meet new women but then I risk looking like a weirdo

 

I'm almost 40 and I had sex with a new girl Friday night who is 32. I was introduced by a distant friend. Last month I made out with a girl who is 21. That was cold approach at a night club. We're guys; age doesn't matter to girls. Cold approach is weird only if you make it weird. Out of 100 cold approaches, some girls are going to find it weird. I'm not concerned with those. I'm interested in the ones I get into a conversation with. Those are the ones I can turn into something. Get out of your house. Expand your social circle. Cold approach guys to make new friends. Cold approach mixed groups since you have no idea what their relationship is and they may be siblings, which means she would be available. Cold approach girls; they are more receptive than you might expect. Stop making excuses.

Well, you got me I've never done cold approach, though, and I don't know what will happen. I used to "find" girls mostly through social circles while I was younger I will try to get rid of my excuses or I will be forever alone

But I want to see what will happen with this particular girl. I like her and want to go out a couple more times, but she is a mystery to me (as are all women ).

I messaged her and said I would be glad to meet if her schedule for the weekend allows it. She can't go out on Saturday. There are some things to be done on Sunday and she said if she can manage it - she can come up with some idea about seeing each other, although she can't promise me anything (of course).

I told her to let me know if she finds some time then and we will meet. I think I left the ball in her court, is this right? I know I am the man but I feel dumb for being so pushy. I showed her my interest and I invited her out on several dates already - a couple of unsuccessful tries (once she deflected my suggestion; the next time she flaked as she told me her gym training session had been rescheduled) and a couple of successful ones (where we enjoyed the time spent together).

So I THINK she knows that I like her to some degree and I want to go out with her on another date. But I can't propose to her till the end of the world. Where's the boundary? I don't want to look pathetic but I don't want to give up before it's time to do so, too.

Now I'll just wait for the weekend to see what happens. Any suggestions?

I told her to let me know if she finds some time then and we will meet. I think I left the ball in her court, is this right?

From a certain point of view, you did leave the ball in her court, and it may not have been the wrong thing to do in this case, but don't look to do it on a regular basis. You are the guy so it's your burden to lead the interaction. You don't want to give up the steering wheel.

I know I am the man but I feel dumb for being so pushy.

You don't seem pushy.

I showed her my interest and I invited her out on several dates already - a couple of unsuccessful tries (once she deflected my suggestion; the next time she flaked as she told me her gym training session had been rescheduled) and a couple of successful ones (where we enjoyed the time spent together).

 

So I THINK she knows that I like her to some degree and I want to go out with her on another date.

You've shown her interest to some degree, but it's really time for you to escalate, otherwise things will have stagnated and it will be over.

But I can't propose to her till the end of the world. Where's the boundary? I don't want to look pathetic but I don't want to give up before it's time to do so, too.

As long as you don't come across as needy, you won't look pathetic. You definitely should go on another date with her, and at the very least kiss her. Why decide beyond that?

Now I'll just wait for the weekend to see what happens. Any suggestions?

Sounds good.

I haven't done that thing with the ball in her court before. I just ran out of options. I don't know if it's right or wrong, but after I invited her out and she said she was not sure she could find time, I thought it would be stupid to ask her again and I would look desperate. So I told her politely to let me know if she becomes available and we will go out.

I know it's time to escalate, so if there is another date I will try to make it happen. I "plan" on kissing her, definitely . Otherwise it will be over, as you said.

Any update?

I was just thinking about posting an update And the update is... a big NOTHING! Not a single message from her since Wendesday. I don't intend to message her anymore. I like her and want to get to know her, but I am tired of BS. I can't see signs that she is interested so I will preserve my dignity.

Up to you, but i think you're missing out on a big learning opportunity. You're the guy; it's your burden to get things moving far enough in the right direction so that you can eventually lay back and she will stay contacting you. You haven't done enough to her there though.

I'd message her again. Your dignity doesn't mean much if you're alone.