confused after break up

Hi all. My boyfriend split up with me last saturday. It's a strange situation, and I haven't had anybody to speak. Could really do with getting this off my chest - sorry that it's a long story.

So he and I have only actually known each other 5 months. I have a lot of social anxiety and find it difficult to get to know people but with him I just felt comfortable from the beginning. He was always so kind, I was honest about some trauma and mental health issues I have and he seemed to open up to me really quickly too. He told me about his anxiety and how he has been depressed in the past, though he didn't tell me any specific reasons. I have been in other relationships and there's usually doubts or arguments but with him it just felt like we really connected. We always got on and every minute we spent together was amazing.

One of my issues is that I have been raped in the past (one of the past relationships) and as a result find it difficult to trust men. I spoke to him about it, cried a little, and he was brilliant, he held me and told me I was safe and that we could talk about anything.

Anyway, since that conversation he seemed to get more distant. Started taking a while to reply to my messages, always had an excuse not to see me. We were down to seeing each other for a few hours a week. After being blown off again I sent him a message asking what was going on.

He sent me a message back saying he isn't ready for a relationship, that he's not mature enough for this, has committment issues and it got too serious too fast. I'm his first girlfriend (I am three years older but we're both mid twenties). He said that he had a 'thing' with a girl in the past, he really liked her but she left him for someone close to him. She didn't want the new guy to know they had slept together so she accused him of raping her. She reported him to the police and he was investigated. He said since the conversation he was terrified of telling me, he felt like he had to but he was sure I wouldn't trust him anymore.

I 100% believe he didn't do it. A lot of the things he's told me about some strained relationships with people close to him make sense now. I know he was self-harming in the past, I can only assume it was around this time. I made it clear to him that I know he wouldn't do that and I apologised for making him think he couldn't say. I told him I didn't want it to be over and I'm here if he changes his mind. He told me part of him is tempted, I make him happy, but that I 'deserve more' and that he doesn't know 'how to be close to anyone'. He kept saying it was because of his issues, not me. To me, that makes it seem like there' hope. It would be easier if he just said he didn't like me. Up until he said this to me I honestly had no idea there were these problems.

I really want to get back in touch and tell him I wish he had been able to tell me. I truly believe we have a connection. We get on so well together, and I feel he brings out the best in me. Every second we spent physically together was wonderful to me. I can understand why he didn't tell me, but I also wish we'd had a chance to work through this together. We get on so well together, and I'm willing to work and take things at his pace if needs be. I didn't realise he needed that distance from me, otherwise I would have handled things differently.

I think for his sake I need to leave him alone for a while and I am constantly fighting that temptation to get back in contact. I was thinking maybe give him a week or so? I don't know. I just think if we give up now without even trying we are wasting what we have. He told me himself we have an emotional connection, he was always talking about being 'romantic' and making plans for me to visit his hometown with him, stuff like that. I don't know if I should fight for this or just leave it.

There are two things I have learned in life: never try to talk someone into a job or a relationship. You will always end up regretting it.

Hey there, I'm sorry you're going through this. Opening up to other people especially about the trauma you both went through is extremely difficult. There's always that risk of judgment and negative reaction when you put your issues out there like that. Confused is a good word to use, it was how I felt after my breakup. My ex suffered from some of the same issues as well. PTSD, severe anxiety, terrible past relationships where she was used and abused, trauma because of her dad, you name it, it's difficult stuff.

It seems to me that your ex just isn't okay with himself. You have to be okay with yourself if you want to give yourself to another person in a relationship. He made that clear when he told you you "deserve more." Just know that you can't fix him, it's simply out of your control. Trust that he will do everything he can to work on himself, and you should be doing the same as well. Learn more about you, these are times where it is important that you focus on you. Take some time away from him and leave him alone. Get some new perspective, once the dust settles you'll see things you might not have seen during the relationship and you'll learn from them. If he wishes to contact you, he will, he knows how to find you. If what he said about the emotional connection is true, then he definitely will, just give it time, for both of you. The ball seems to be on his side of the court, let him make the next move.

In the mean time, don't neglect yourself, take a step away from Facebook, Snapchat, or whatever medium you two are using to communicate, and get out there. Anything you ever wanted to do that you just decided not to? Do it. You like music? Listen to new music or even pick up an instrument and learn it yourself. Go on walks, they help a lot. Hang out with friends and family, just move you body if possible. Learn more about your emotions. I know it sounds silly, but you could try meditating, that's helped me tremendously since my breakup, if I didn't start, I don't know how I'd feel right now. Just helps give me peace of mind and perspective. Work on you, get to a point where even if he doesn't come back for any reason, you'll be perfectly fine with that, because you'll love yourself more. Feel free to PM or respond if you need anymore advice! You'll be alright

Thanks so much for responding.

I've deleted snapchat - i know it sounds creepy but I was getting a bit obsessed with checking where he was on the map so i thought best to get rid of it. We spoke briefly yesterday - he's been talking about getting help for anxiety for a while but never gone through with it, after finding out all this i sent him some contacts i've used and tried to gently encourage him. Now I am trying to back off and not contact him - it's difficult when we spoke every day, and I don't want to delete and block him just in case he does ever want to get in touch. I've unfollowed his posts and deleted his messages so i can't look back and torture myself.

Thanks so much for responding.

 

I've deleted snapchat - i know it sounds creepy but I was getting a bit obsessed with checking where he was on the map so i thought best to get rid of it. We spoke briefly yesterday - he's been talking about getting help for anxiety for a while but never gone through with it, after finding out all this i sent him some contacts i've used and tried to gently encourage him. Now I am trying to back off and not contact him - it's difficult when we spoke every day, and I don't want to delete and block him just in case he does ever want to get in touch. I've unfollowed his posts and deleted his messages so i can't look back and torture myself.

Not a problem!

That's good that you deleted the app, and hey don't worry, we do crazy things when we're heartbroken. Logic gets thrown straight out of the window when our emotions are above us. It's best that you don't beat yourself up for acts such as that, it happened, you understand the action and you have stopped, that's whats important. Remember just don't beat yourself up, it won't help your healing. And that's great news that he's been talking about getting help for his anxiety, and it's a plus that you encourage it as well. Great on you for recommending him some contacts that can potentially help, it shows you care. Again, trust that he'll follow through and get that help. Remember it's all up to him now. Take a step away and focus on you, it'll be beneficial to you both.

And about removing him from FB, it seems to be a preference to many. Some people feel it's best you remove every single trace of them from your life and just block them out completely. It works for some, but given your circumstances, I'd find removing him to be sad. You don't need to remove him, just don't contact him. You did the right thing unfollowing him so his posts/likes don't pop up everywhere. And you can always just stay off of the website for a while if you find yourself looking at his page. I find not logging onto the website for extended periods of time helps my mind tremendously. Try not to look at his wall and what not, just more reminders that may hinder you. You can get through this all, and I'm wishing you the very best.