newly married with anger problems advice

I am a male friend of male that recently married. I've noticed lately that my friend is acting strange/nervous when he is with me. He's always on the phone checking his text messages. He'll sometimes state that he has to avoid a problem with her and if she communicates any anger or dissatisfaction he has to run back home. I asked and it seems that he cannot leave his wife alone to do anything with me. The only time he can hang if when his wife is doing something she wants to do. So take for example, a Friday night, if she does not make plans to be with her friends, he has to stay with her at home. But she can make plans with her friends regardless of if he approves or if he does not have plans and he has to remain home. In other words, she has no problem leaving him home alone to go out but he can't.

I think since they have been married (10 months) she has only spent one night alone without him. He stated that she has anger problems and will blow-up at him and is unable to be calm and talk about whatever is bothering her. She won't take responsibility for her bad behaviors towards him. A day later she might make some overture of her bad behavior and do something nice towards him but its not like she offers any explanation or apology. Upon further talk with this friend, it was stated that this has gone on several times before they married. Where she appears to blow up at home for no reason and won't talk about it.

Not sure what to make of it...basically everything revolves around her and feels he has to appease her and keep her happy or there be hell to pay. is this what marriage is?

The good news, Apollo is that this is NOT what marriage is.

Surely your friend was aware of what she was like before they married.

She surely did not become a bit of a bully overnight......

and he would need to take a stance and not become a floor rag.

But, essentially, it is THEIR problem, so don't get involved. When your friend gets sick and tired of it he will take action.

Obviously not. Unfortunately, it's what your friend decided to sign up for and I doubt that these anger and control issues just suddenly materialized either. It's difficult when friends get into terrible, toxic, and abusive relationships (I'd call his definitely abusive from what you've described), however not much you can do unless and until your friend decides to leave her. Then you can be there for him and loan him a couch. Until then, if you try to speak out against her....he'll likely just jump in to defend her and his decision to be with her and it will just wreck what's left of your friendship so that when he finally needs friends and help to get out, he'll have nobody left he can turn to.

It sounds like your friend is in a unhappy, controlling, emotionally abusive relationship. That blows.

Thanks for the quick response, i suppose at the end of the day, I am not sleeping next her...but it kinda makes me feel bad for my friend though to see him like that, basically on a leash/ Trying to help him cause he does not like it...but i guess I better back off.

Apollo. All you can do is listen sympathetically and murmur non-commitally.

Again, he knew what he was marrying (I suppose)........

Thanks for the quick response, i suppose at the end of the day, I am not sleeping next her...but it kinda makes me feel bad for my friend though to see him like that, basically on a leash/ Trying to help him cause he does not like it...but i guess I better back off.

You don't need to back off. You can just be there for him. Listen to him. Be kind and open. It blows, you can't tell him how to lead his life, all you can do is be there.

yes, i went back and edited the original post to reflect that he was aware of this pattern of behavior before he married her. he stated that he thought she would grow out of it once her life was stabilized with the marriage, work, house etc...she from another country and he attributed her moods and frustration to difficulty assimilating to the us.

You don't need to back off. You can just be there for him. Listen to him. Be kind and open. It blows, you can't tell him how to lead his life, all you can do is be there.

true, i can do that for him. i guess its hard when it seems painfully obvious he is being mistreated. I'll just listen and not provide any feedback...

I have a friend who is in a similar situation with his girlfriend, and it's really tough to stand by and watch. All you can do is be there for your friend when he needs it; any attempt by you to point this out is going to ostracize him. He'll either escape or not, or maybe she will eventually grow out of it. Chances are that she won't, and your friend is either going to get out or get sucked further in.

If he comes to you for help, be it just hanging out or anything else, give it to him. Otherwise just be his friend and love him.

This is the situation I find myself in, but I am the wife that is trying to keep my husband on a short leash. I have realized it backfires and my husband pulls away more if I pull so I try to do this less. Your friend's wife should back off a bit IMO

I see,

Apollo.

.......he was aware of this pattern of behavior before he married her. he stated that he thought she would grow out of it once her life was stabilized with the marriage, work, house etc...she from another country and he attributed her moods and frustration to difficulty assimilating to the us.

I never cease to be surprised at the number of people who think that the "other" is going to morph after marriage, as if by waving a magic wand. Incredible!

I stepped back for a week and my friend eventually asked to hang out. Which we did. The topic of his wife's behavior did come up by him. He seemed to downplay the seriousness of her behavior. His interpretation is that when he leaves her alone, her thoughts "snowball" into anger rather than being a pattern of premeditation or conscious decision to control or manipulate him. He explained that when she is alone she thinks about the negative aspects of her life, in this situation (i.e. husband hanging with a friend leaving her alone at home) she gets lonely and thinks how she hates America, blah, blah, blah and from there she gets angry and does not know how to deal with it. He stated that he needs to address this with her at some point because he thinks he should be able to take time for himself and not have to worry that she is going to blow up at him. I simply suggested that he seek professional assistance from a trained professional and tried to not say too much..he seemed open to the idea but not as if he going to go right out and schedule an appointment.