dillema - good enough to stay or bad enough to leave?

hello everybody

i am not sure i will get an answer but i am so desperately want to get some clarity so I will try to write here my question and hopefully get some advices.

I am not from the U.S so i am apologizing in advance for any misspelling that may occur.

I am in a relationship for seven years with a guy that i love very much.

he cares about me and loves me and although we went through a lot of break-ups in the past, he always fought to bring me back to him a thing i had never experienced in the past. we have a strong love and either of us is terrified of the thought of breaking up with each other. but the thing is we dont get a long in a lot of aspects. important aspects. i`ll try to explain objectively as i can. in the past seven years i was never a hundred percent sure this is my future husband and the father of my unborn children and this is due to this behavior. he can be very critical about how i keep my house and very controling. he almost never comes with me to the places that i want to go or to the concerts i want to go, but i always join him to the concerts he likes and places he likes. i feel he wont make a compromise for me and come and be a part of my world for a little bit. he can tell me to change my clothes if he thinks my outfit is too revealing to his opinion. besides he can yell at me if he is angry about something i did or said and talk to me with disrespect (he never actually swear at me besides two times he said im stupid and he apologized for that and it didn`t happen again ever since). another reason for my ambivalence is that we have a lack of intimacy. im not talking about sex. everything is good at this department. im talking about the fact that he doesnt like to have deep conversations and i am a very deep person. i am a 31 year old woman and i have gone through a lot in my life and there are important things in my past that he doesn`t know because i dont feel comfortable to tell him (like a minor sexual assault i have gone through when i was a kid). i remember one time i tried to pour my heart about my autistic brother and how it hurts me to see him struggling through life and in some point in the conversation he said he was hungry and he left me alone. i feel as if me and my past dont interest him so much. i know he is not my psychologist but i think it would be nice to have some one you can talk to once in a while and who actually cares and wants to know about your past. i am afraid to tell him about the sexual abuse because i am afraid his reaction will hurt my feelings or that he will make me feel as if i am damaged or something. i am not influenced by that incident anymore but it kills me that im not 100% true with him. another example for the lack of intimacy is that whenever we plan to go somewhere he almost always suggests to bring a couple of friends with us. like i feel that he needs to fill in the atmosphere like i am alone is not enough for him. i am a very educated woman and very intellectual and i feel i can not bring out this trait in my personality so much with him. another example of the lack of intimacy is that i dont feel a lot of hugs and kisses and kind words from him. he is not very affectionate as i am. when i spoke to him about it he told me that because of all our fights he is not affectionate any more and that he is not doing this on purpose. when we fight about something i dont feel as if he can understand when he is wrong and all our conversations are exhausting because it feels we are going around our tail and we dont get to any conclusion. he says that i want to hear that i am right and that he is wrong and its not true. what i want him to understand is that when he is mean to me or critics my house-keeping or how i cook or drive he puts me down and it hurts me very much. he can always say constructive criticism but in his case it seems as if he enjoys to criticize people. he constantly criticizes his mother for her cooking and that makes me really sick to see that. he is also very mean to her sometimes yells at her and talks to her with disrespect a thing that really makes me resent him and wonder if when we will get married i will become next. he says i am selfish and egocentric because i take sometimes his ciggaretes and once i ate the two last pieces of cake with my morning coffee and he was really angry that i didn`t left him any and said am selfish and only think of my self. he always tells me that he does more for me than i do for him that he buys me more things than i do for him but its not true. at least not in the last couple of years. i buy him gifts every birthday and not just on birthdays. this birthday i bought him a 400$ watch (in our country it is a lot of money...) but he asked me to return it because he said he doesnt want any watches. i think that you dont have to be afraid to take ciggaretes occasionaly from your partner and be afraid he will call you selfish. i read a bunch of books about ambivalence in relationships, went to astrologists, consulted with my psychologist and i still dont know what to do. i am a 31 year old woman and i look good and i think i do have chances to meet someone good. but i am terrified by the thought that i wont and the clock is ticking and i dont know what to do. after every fight we have i am determined to leave him and to stop this but after a while i forget and i tell my self that i love him and my mind starts telling me that maybe i wont find someone who will love me like he loves me and stuck around no matter what we had been through and how many break-ups. i am really on the fence here and i am so afraid to make a bad decision. i dont have a family besides my mother and i am afraid of the lonliness as well. i am afraid to be in some kind of trouble and have no one to turn to. i really really dont know what to do. please help me to make a decision. i am sorry about the length of the post.

A useful book

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Sorting Out Whether Your Relationship Can-and Should-Be Saved

by Lundy Bancroft

"This book can help you sort your thoughts in to some kind of order, even if you are not quite ready yet to make the final decision"

Reading about what your relationship is like is really depressing. I don't have to live it, and you are choosing to. People subconsciously choose a partner they think they deserve. Your self esteem has to be severely lacking to think this is your idea of a lifetime partner. My advice? Break up. Spend at least a year solo and go to a therapist to deal with your past sexual abuse and come to a place of good self esteem. Only then will you be able to choose an emotionally healthy man who meets all your main needs. Take care.

A useful book

 

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Sorting Out Whether Your Relationship Can-and Should-Be Saved

by Lundy Bancroft

 

"This book can help you sort your thoughts in to some kind of order, even if you are not quite ready yet to make the final decision"

Hi

thank you

i already read a book called "good enough to stay - bad enough to leave by Mira Kirshenbaum

an amazing book! according to the book i should leave

but i don't have to courage to do so

i'm afraid of the unknown. afraid to meet dushbags and regret leaving a man that has good traits but i don't feel fulfilled in a relationship

thank you

you are right. in the back of my mind i probably feel as if i deserve this and should settle for less.

i was in therapy 7 months but i left because there wasn`t any chemistry between me and the therapist.

i fantasize a lot about the day i will have the courage to choose to live the life like i want to

but the fear of possibly losing a boyfriend who is faithful and never cheated on me and that all in all he is a friend of mine is paralyzing me because i am afraid i will not find someone as good

The unknown is going to be always better than this!

all our conversations are exhausting because it feels we are going around our tail and we dont get to any conclusion. he says that i want to hear that i am right and that he is wrong and its not true. what i want him to understand is that when he is mean to me or critics my house-keeping or how i cook or drive he puts me down and it hurts me very much. he can always say constructive criticism but in his case it seems as if he enjoys to criticize people. he constantly criticizes his mother for her cooking and that makes me really sick to see that. he is also very mean to her sometimes yells at her and talks to her with disrespect a thing that really makes me resent him and wonder if when we will get married i will become next

and:

besides he can yell at me if he is angry about something i did or said and talk to me with disrespect (

He is verbally abusive OP, and you can be certain that if he talks to his mother in that manner he most certainly will also be verbally abusive to you.

i dont have a family besides my mother and i am afraid of the lonliness as well.

Listen, OP, you are precisely the type of vulnerable person that a person like your BF homes in on.

Critical and controlling, you say. It will get worse.