Husbands ex-wife is never accountable

So, I am not sure where to begin, but I'll give you all some background. I met my husband in 2012 when his daughter was 3, almost 4, and he was fresh out of the divorce. He was awarded custody and mom gets daughter during the summer.. I have raised her along side my own daughter ever since. We have run into some problems in the past with the ex-wife, but it is all coming to a head now. So the ex-wife lives in an entirely different state, but her family (brothers, sisters and parents) all live in our state. Since we live a few hours away from her family, we allow the ex-mother in law to take the step-daughter for extended weekends and holidays, so that the step-daughter has a relationship with all of her family and the burden is not just on one party. If the ex-wife is in the state then we accommodate schedules so that my step-daughter can go stay with her for the duration. There have been problems in the past with the ex-wifes lack of involvement that we have overlooked, and some things being said to my step-daughter that are just inappropriate. Some examples of these issue are as little as her waiting to skype till bed time, which is easily overlooked, but she has also done things that put my husband in an unreasonable situations. She had come to town for a wedding, we were under the impression that she was flying in because the ex- mother in law was the one to contact my husband and make arrangements for us to trade off the step-daughter with her. A day before we are supposed to take step-daughter to grandmas, the ex texts my husband stating she is in town eating and would like to pick up their daughter. He told her sure, give him time to pack a bag and he'll get it all squared away, her response was never mind, she'll just see her daughter on Friday night after we drive an hour out of our way to take her to grandma. During Christmas, it was moms turn to have her. So they made arrangements to fly step-daughter out to her (against my opinion, because they were putting a 7 year old on a plan as an unaccompanied minor), normally christmas break is two weeks, she only kept her for a week then sent her back home. That would be fine in itself, but when my step-daughter got into the car she asked were her step-sister was, when I told her she was still with her dad for xmas, she said "well why did I have to come back already" when we responded that she didn't a little dumbfounded, she responded with "mommy said daddy wanted me home early" which created an awkward situation for the step-daughter. Things like this happen a lot. We get blamed for things that she doesn't get to do when we have no control over it. Recently, I was blamed for my step-daughter not being able to do gymnastics this summer because I did not pack her leotards. They cost 15 bucks at Target.....

Anyways, this is common, but when she came home last summer she had an unrestricted ipad which had oodles of porn on it. We have since put her in counseling. She was freshly turned 8 when she was looking at the porn and we wanted to make sure she was not put in a dangerous situation over the summer. I also wanted her to speak to someone so she understands what a normal healthy sexual relationship is compared to some of the weird stuff she saw. Anyways, while in counseling it was discovered that she is uncomfortable with the way her step-dad handles her. He tickled her so hard one time she peed her pants. So we have established a my body my rules policy, that she enforces with everyone. The counselor talked to mom about this, because mom just had a new baby and wanted the step-daughter to come out to meet him. It was discussed that step-dad would not touch her unless she initiated the contact and that she would not be left alone with him. Well, when she got back she told the counselor that she was left alone with his while mommy went to the casino and at one point while her mom was cutting off a tag she cut her (that is no big deal) but she told step-daughter not to tell daddy and when my step-daughter got home and told her dad, she was in tears (she knew she was betraying moms "secret" by telling dad).

So all of this coupled together, we insisted on a meeting with the counselor and mom, because to us it seems like she is not really getting the issue that our child is now a higher risk for sexual activity. (she is 8, I just want to reiterate that).

The meeting was about as productive as nailing jello to a tree.

She deflected every concern we had, basically centered her entire stance on how old step-daughter would need to be in order to come live with her, and did not account for anything that has been said in the past.

Aside from her total lack of any concern (and believe me, I can understand it is hard to hear your child is uncomfortable with your knew husband), she also basically blamed step-daughter for all miscommunications. Now I know my step-daughter will at times pit us against each other, but that is always when she wants something. ie: she'll say mommy gets her coffee, while I am standing in Dunkin Donuts. I do not believe that she would make up the reason she couldn't due gymnastics was because she told mom she didn't want to, but when I ask why she didn't she tell me it's because I did not send the leotards. I also do not believe that my step-daughter just randomly decided to tell us that mommy said daddy wanted me home early. No, that is baloney. She's 8. Why would she make that up.

I am mad, because what was supposed to be a meeting to hash out concerns for safety and statements that are inappropriate, turned into a giant circle of well I did not say that, I was not in town, my 8 year old misunderstood me or is flat out making stuff up.

Where is the accountability?

I am not saying that I am perfect, but I'll admit my shortcomings and I don't put an 8 year old in the middle of my arguments or blame her for misunderstanding me. Furthermore, someone has been telling her that she can chose who she lives with, effectively putting her in the center of a fight she does not need to fight.

Help me out here guys, we are playing offensive in this fight because we refuse to stoop to that level, but what do you do with a person who will never claim any responsibility or accountability for their actions?

I think i would have pressed charges if your stepdaughter came home with porn on her tablet. What does the attorney or mediator say about this? Why did mom lose custody in the first place where she doesn't have joint custody? Was it for her behavior? I think that you should encourage your husband to change the agreement where she cannot stay the entire summer with mom. its disruptive and she has had questionable contact with her stepfather. She needs a break in between to come home. Are the things revealed in counseling something that whoever determines custody would learn? I would not let her in the same house with the stepdad, honestly, let alone trust mom to not leave her alone with him

He won custody while working in the national guard and going to college full time. She tells people she doesn't have physical custody because she is in the military (he left active duty and went guard so that she could join active) and also because her parents live in the area and grandparents rights, or something to that extent. That is actually what she told the counselor. The actual divorce and parenting plan states that he was awarded custody because he would make more of an effort to charter a relationship with extended family and it was a more stable household. I would technically like to point out that at the time he was an unemployed college student and still got majority physical custody. They are supposed to make decisions together, but she rarely has input. That being said, we have since moved to another state, though still close enough to her family to allow visitation, we tried to find a job closer to the ex-wife, but it did not pan out. We have been speaking to an attorney to get custody moved to this state and asked him about this, both he and the counselor maintain that without any actual evidence or step-daughter stating something happened, we cannot legally do anything. Which is why we tried to have the meeting, so air grievances and come to a compromise. It did not work. We have taught her safe words as well. She just as to say the word and we will drop everything to come get her during the summer. Other than that, our hands are tied. It is really a messed up system when you are actually put in it.

He won custody while working in the national guard and going to college full time. She tells people she doesn't have physical custody because she is in the military (he left active duty and went guard so that she could join active) and also because her parents live in the area and grandparents rights, or something to that extent. That is actually what she told the counselor. The actual divorce and parenting plan states that he was awarded custody because he would make more of an effort to charter a relationship with extended family and it was a more stable household. I would technically like to point out that at the time he was an unemployed college student and still got majority physical custody. They are supposed to make decisions together, but she rarely has input. That being said, we have since moved to another state, though still close enough to her family to allow visitation, we tried to find a job closer to the ex-wife, but it did not pan out. We have been speaking to an attorney to get custody moved to this state and asked him about this, both he and the counselor maintain that without any actual evidence or step-daughter stating something happened, we cannot legally do anything. Which is why we tried to have the meeting, so air grievances and come to a compromise. It did not work. We have taught her safe words as well. She just as to say the word and we will drop everything to come get her during the summer. Other than that, our hands are tied. It is really a messed up system when you are actually put in it.

Well - divorce is messed up. Broken families are messed up. So you are making the best of a messed up situation.

The biggest messed up thing for me is that she is not being the fierce tiger mom for her daughter. I am sorry, but if someone touched my child inappropriately even if he was my husband, I would rip him a new one. I would stay behind and let him go to the casino or i would find appropriate supervision while we were out (enroll daughter in music, math, girl scout day camp for a week during my husband's week off so he could putter around the house and i could go to the casino without daughter being home alone with him) etc.

Also, does the daughter WANT to live with her mother?

Also, splitting up the summers so she is home for a two weeks in the middle and then goes back may require less deprogramming when she comes back

Or just not go to the casino???? She said that her daughter was incorrect when she told the counselor this. She said she went to the store for like an hour, but again, what would prompt an 8 year old to lie like that. I am not saying she doesn't lie, but they are easy to spot. We are planning a trip to see her halfway through her visit and getting her back a week early. My step-daughter for a while has wanted to live with her mom, I know that she feels guilty not living with her. Since she has had this baby however, the counselor says she is less enthusiastic about her mothers.

Our major concern is her safety, but moms immaturity also plays a role in how we feel about step-daughter living with mom.

Or just not go to the casino???? She said that her daughter was incorrect when she told the counselor this. She said she went to the store for like an hour, but again, what would prompt an 8 year old to lie like that. I am not saying she doesn't lie, but they are easy to spot. We are planning a trip to see her halfway through her visit and getting her back a week early. My step-daughter for a while has wanted to live with her mom, I know that she feels guilty not living with her. Since she has had this baby however, the counselor says she is less enthusiastic about her mothers.

Our major concern is her safety, but moms immaturity also plays a role in how we feel about step-daughter living with mom.

Kids do lie. They can make up whoppers to get attention. That is what prompts them to lie. And to pit their parents against eachother.

Kids do lie. They can make up whoppers to get attention. That is what prompts them to lie. And to pit their parents against eachother.

I get that. She lies when she wants something..... like telling me she drinks coffee at moms house when I am at a coffee shop and she has already been told no. Other than the xmas situation the responses she gets from us when she says stuff like the gymnastics thing are usually along the lines of "oh, ok, I'll talk with your mom" it is usually dropped at that point because the step-daughter is not the one who I need to be conversing with about these things. I find it extremely hard to believe that she is making up all this stuff when her mother did not deny it when we brought it up at the meeting. Her mom would deflect and make excuses in the conversation, but she never denied any of these things happening.

This is my problem, aside from the total lack of concern for safety, her mom cannot even admit when there are actions that have a negative impact on her daughter. How are we supposed to progress forward under these circumstances?