How has it ended so suddenly without chance of working through problems?

Hi,

My boyfriend of 2.5 years recently broke up with me after a horrible argument.

I know that it was a long time coming that I needed to do something to change, and originally he told me he wanted to go on a break to think about what we both wanted. He called me a day later to tell me that he didn't want a relationship right now, and that he still loved me but that he wasn't in love with me any more and that it was the right thing to end it.

Our relationship was far from perfect and we'd been arguing and I had a lot of insecurities that I took out on him, but we both loved each other so much, even just a week ago. I fully accept that a lot of our problems were my fault. He said that the argument wasn't even the reason that he wanted to leave, just that he'd been scared of his feelings and that it was an excuse to end it.

However, I don't understand how quickly he seems to have changed his mind about how much he loved me. In less than a week he went from "I can't wait to go on holiday with you, I miss you so much, Of course I'm not going to leave you" to severing contact and 'forgiving' me but refusing to speak to me because he didn't want to be in a relationship.

He was and still is the closest friend I've ever had, he's said we'll still act friendly in the future because we have such a close group of friends.

I can't even tell if he regrets anything. I know I'm being selfish and in my heart I know that the best thing for both of us is to work on our own problems.

But how likely is it that he really will see that there's a chance for us to work on this? This was our only true split from each other and it stings so much knowing that he's refusing to even give us a chance to work together to improve ourselves.

I'll always love him. He told me not to wait for him because he can't guarantee that he'll want to come back when he's figured out his own problems.

But how is it so easy to just completely end a 2.5 year relationship without giving any answers? Or considering working it through?

I need to avoid contact from now on, but I'm finding it so hard. does anyone have any tips?

Your only choice now is to go strict NC. Immediately, and completely. The sooner you do this, and the more complete your silence is, the more effective it will be. I know it's hard, but there is the paradox: it goes against your intuition but it actually works. It might make him miss you, or it might make him realize he was right about leaving you. But if you keep badgering him and trying to get him back, you will definitely push him away.

Give him at least two, and preferably at least three, weeks space.

Your boyfriend is FULL of excuses;

1) It is a misconception on your end to think, he thought of breaking up so quickly! Just from reading your posts and the things he's telling you, he thought about it for a while. He just never had the guts to do it!

2) I really don't buy the "I love you, but I"m not in love you" - to me, that is a full of bs. What does that even mean, I don't know. I think the only people that, that line is appropriate for if it's an immediate family member. Of course, you can't be in love with a family, but you do love them. In a romantic relationship? Of course you are going to get to a comfort zone and it's no longer "in love" to "I love you". All in all, it's just like saying "it's not you, it's me". Every- time someone feeds me any of those lines, it's like they are scratching a chalkboard. It's annoying and makes no sense!

3) What does "just he's been scared of his feelings" even mean?

I say for now, forget about being friends and staying in contact. It's another lame excuse so he doesn't sound like a bad person for breaking up with you. Your boyfriend wants to break up for whatever reasons and also want to be guilt free.

You need to go no contact and work on your self esteem. He doesn't sound like he wants this relationship any longer. Forget about why, when and how come. Just focus on healing. I know you are in a lot of pain at the moment and it's hard to think straight. You really have to try. You just have to respect his decision to end the relationship. Don't beg or keep asking him why, because you are just going to get more lame excuses. Point is, it shouldn't matter why, he already broke up with you.

I'm very sorry that this happened.

When someone breaks up a relationship they usually already had time to think about breaking up and detach themselves while still on the relationship with their unaware partner. It's not like he loved you and one day woke up and decided that he didn't love you. Or like one day he wanted the relationship and next time he didn't. That's why these decisions seem so out of the blue or like the other person has moved on from the relationship so fast. Some partners even become more romantic before the end of the relationship because they might feel bad about what they're about to do or have one more try. But the truth is that they've spent plenty of time thinking, mourning the relationship and accepting the end long before they ended it, and you're only entering the mourning phase now. I'm not excusing him though, people should talk about things and disclosure them to their partner instead of acting like this... but unfortunately this is what happens in most relationship.

He might love you but right now you have to take his word and really don't wait for him and consider this over. It'll take some time to accept it truly and it's painful but it's very necessary for your recovery. It's a good thing that you know some of the issues that caused the break up. It shows that you are self aware and can learn with your mistakes. Of course he also had responsibility in those issues. It takes two to tango but it's great that you see your part. This self analysis can be painful but it's important in order to move on and not repeating the same mistakes again.

I'd say full non contact can help you a lot at this point. And when I say full non contact it also includes social media and all that.

Closure is an illusion and it has to come from us, it shouldn't depend on the other person. He seems to have given you the closure and answers you need: "I don't want a relationship and don't wait for me". You need to respect his decision and give him space and you also need space for your healing.

After grieving and crying for a while it's necessary that you work on yourself and try to solve what caused those issues you said you had during the relationship. It'll be time to take this opportunity to build v.2 of yourself.

I wish you the best in these hard times.

Sorry, I didn't write tips to avoid contact. I think that being honest with the other person helps "Look, I need some space to heal so I'll back off. If you don't have anything else to tell me I'd like to ask you to not contact me at least for a while so that I can move on. I hope you understand. Bye.". Then if it's really hard to control your urges to contact, it's better to delete his contacts. This is the clean way I think.

I had a lot of insecurities that I took out on him, [...]

 

However, I don't understand how quickly he seems to have changed his mind about how much he loved me.

Taking insecurities out on people can erode love no matter how hard they struggle to keep it going for you.

The appropriate place to work out your insecurities is with a therapist. Otherwise, it's like saying, "I misused my lover repeatedly, but I can't understand why he grew tired of that all of a sudden..."

It's not sudden. When you chip away at something over time, it should come as no surprise when there's nothing left to chip.

Yeah taking your issues with the world out on a lover is the surest way to lose them. Is that how you treat love? It's misuse and you don't deserve it

The funny thing I've found about breakups is that there is rarely a logical progression for the process. If it were as easy as a pros and cons list, then we wouldn't need this forum.

I want you to think back to the day that you two met. Think about the "you" from back then. Were you looking for a relationship, or was it something that just happened when you two clicked? For me, I was extremely confident, and I was not even looking for one. Over time in relationships we lose ourselves. I remember the hardest part of my breakup was realizing that I didn't even know who I was anymore. I'm sure your ex feels the same exact way. Relationships are a give and take, but as we get comfortable one partner may begin to take on one role solely. That is no good. We need to love who we are independent of our partners. If we love ourselves, then your partner should love you too. If not, then that may not be the person for you. Your insecurities are not his burden to bear.

I would avoid reconciliation or relationships in general until you are mentally equipped to take part in the equal give and take. Its not a flaw. You shouldn't be regretful or ashamed that this happened to you. Everyone loses themselves sometimes. What matters is that you take care of yourself. Address why you felt so insecure. Do things that make you feel more confident. Then maybe in the future you will get the chance the speak to him again as the new and improved version of yourself. If he still doesn't want to be with you, then forget him. You don't need someone who makes you feel insecure.

So go NC for a while. Think about yourself. What makes you feel more confident? When you stop improving yourself to get him back, and start doing it because it makes you happy, i have no doubt that you will be ready to take on a new relationship (or if you are lucky reconciliation). Don't let anyone on here judge you or kill your hopes. There is no playbook for love and relationships. Any sweeping advice that you hear should be taken with a grain of salt. As long you are happy, you can be as optimistic or pessimistic as you please.

I'm in a really similar situation and it's heartbreaking. I think keeping dignity intact is important and also to avoid slipping into bad behaviours when dealing with the break up. Otherwise he really will think you have proved him right to end things. In terms of no contact I've just been thinking a LOT harder and longer before reacting or when tempted to send a text. Or just working through the horrible pain and accepting that although I feel miserable, at least I'm not acting crazy and in a way he is probably expecting me to.

Oh and this is some words of wisdom from a friend who I've been talking to about my situation. II found it quite helpful: "Don't blame yourself, you can't change the way you felt. He could have explained clearly that your behaviour was ruining the relationship (if that was the case). He chose to leave rather than work on it. You are not to blame for that. He has given you no time to change."