A 1.5 years of NC, friends again, can of worms.

Hi everyone. Long time reader first time poster. I wanted to get some insight into my relationship w/ my ex.

Get ready for a read

She was 19 and I was 20 when we met. Had a three year relationship that had its ups and downs. Break-up cycles, cheating, and back and fourths happened, and of course when it was good, it was good, and when it was bad...well you know. We both had issues (some more than others), interfering family, and home situations. But damn did we love each other. But we were young and wanted more than we knew how to provide.

Nonetheless we worked at it for about 3 years. There's a lot of love and care there, but it wasn't enough, and we were pretty much both unhappy. She met someone else, I tried the whole "being a friend" thing for about another year, couldn't do it, and deceided to go NC and move on. I would go NC on and off. Sometimes for months at a time because I couldn't deal with being her friend but watching her (as a friend) jump into these relationships like she was searchingfor something, while I struggled to not only get over the break up but, be her friend. The straw that broke the camel's back was that I found out she and a friend of mine hooked up. I stopped talking to the "friend" and to be honest, it was something I expected from my ex but not so much my friend. But, I was done. She would try to reach out every couple of months and I would just ignore her, I hated her.

When I made the deceision to get her out of my life, I had quit my job that was stressful and went back to school, I was dating here and there, making new friends, finding new hobbies and goals,nurturing my old frienships. It was great because I feel like all I had to worry about was me y'know?

But, here we are now. I'm 26, shes 25, (and after her reaching out and me coming to terms with forgiving her) I deceided to try and ease her back into my life. I was tired of being mad at her, and I genuinely think shes a great person (albet her various issues), and I figured: "well, enough time has passed, I don't really want to be with her, shes an awful GF but decent person".

So in January (new year, new me am I right? we start meeting for coffee every so often, shes telling me about these guy shes been seeing for like a year, and I feel nothing. I feel a caring, and a kind of love, but no desire for her really as a partner. In fact, her guy sounded pretty nice and I was happy for her. But, we slowly start spending more time together (now that I think about it, she did complain that they guy she was seeing was always busy DAMN YOU HINDSIGHT), there some flirting, the exchaning of comments like: "I can see the love in your eyes" or "your eyes are sparkling when you look at me", then about 3-4 weeks ago she asks to crash at my place. She does, we cuddle (no sex, didni't want to take it there), and this new-familarity comes about.

My feelinsgs are awakened, and I guess the image I always had of us growing old together comes back. However I try to supress these feelings thinking its like a crush y'know?

Then she tells me she breaks it off with this guy she was seeing and starts to pursure some guy from her job that lives with his ex. I don't like this, and now I'm jealous.

We hang out all last weekend, and that Sunday we're sitting in a resturant eating. And she's telling about how she''' deal with this guys living situation and wants to see where it goes. So I say to her "well, now this is a good time to tall you that a part of me still sees us being together and growing old". She says something along the lines of: "well I wanna try this guy and date men for awhile (oh did i not mention we're two females?)" to which i reply (and the conversation goes as follows):

"Ok, I just wanted to say something because I noticed that, there is clearly something between us"

"Oh, there definitely is."

"Alright, well now we know. -smiles- hope you change your mind one day"

"Don't wait for me"

"Of course not"

We hang out some more that day, and then she leaves to see the guy. After hanging with him, she crashes at my place again that night. I'm REALLY jealous. We wake up the next day, and shes apparently going to see his basketball game. I'm uber unconfortable. We're in my bed and as I get up to go to the kitchen to make breakfast I say something kind of obscene to her ("I should f*ck you and make you miss your boyfriend game", can't believe I said that but she laughed and said the same) and tell her (playful, to pretend im cool) "I'm jealous." because I think it was fairly obvious. We have breakfast, she leaves.

Funny thing, there was a part of me that was relived that when I confessed my feelings (or whatever that was) she didn't say: "great, lets do this!", as I'm not really desiring a relationship right now. (very close to finishing school w/ honors yay!)

Present time. Its been a week since that encounter and I'm feeling like I have to go NC again. I can't help but to feel not only used, but like some kind of crutch, or bench warmer. But, I also feel kind of silly and stupid like: "Oh, great all that work and I'm going through THIS again?". I was fine when we first started hanging back out again. But, most likely because that emotional intimacy of spending a lot of time together, and maybe, me allowing myself to be so damn available, I'm in this seemingly high emotional state.

Ugh, I feel dumb. I feel dumb for still loving her and having a desire to be with her in the future. I feel dumb for thinking that after almost two years maybe she changed, maybe I could actually be her friend and not feel like a safety net. I feel dumb for even having so much emotion invested in this, that I'm on this forum trying to pick the brains of you good people. I feel like an alcoholic thats been sober for 400+ days and just took a shot of whiskey. Turning that 400 into a goddamn 0. Like so much progress, thrown away, in an attempt to...I don't even know what.

I hung out with friends this Easter weekend and was kind of ignoring her. To which she sent me a long text saying something along the lines of:

"hey, are we okay? I have a feeling something is up. I thought you were okay with my relationship, and I think it's bothering you and thats why you're pushing me away, would love to hear your take"

I just told her we're fine because I didn't feel like dealing. I don't feel like going through the motions of having to talk this all out.I just want some space now without having to really give a reason (like I do with my non-ex friends lol) Jeez, I just wanted to hang at the beach with my friends lol.

Anywhoos thanks for reading.

Any thoughts, comments, advice would be greatly appreicated. Looking for an objective friend.

I personally have never been able to be friends with an ex. Some people can but it's a select few. Most cannot. This isn't tv and movies. It's real life. You can't go from being romantically and intimately involved to plutonic friends. There's just too much history and memories. Even when you think you've moved on and are over someone, even when you may be happy with someone else, it's just not a good idea having past lovers in your life. Like you said you ultimately ended up still loving her and wanting her back. But sounds like you're not getter her back so it's only causing you more suffering. Typically in all situations where exes try to remain friends one of them wants more. And they try to rationalize that if they stay friends maybe they'll rekindle their love. But you won't. Once you get friend zoned by a woman it's almost impossible to get out of it. You just end it up getting hurt. Just my opinion but I've been there. I think it's best when relationships end to be done altogether. I think you need to go back to NC permanently and consider that part of your life over. There's a whole world of women out there to lose yourself over. Might as well lose it over one that's available

Unfortunately this is not a situation where exes can comfortably be friends. Pull back and fade or just mention that it's awkward.

Hey,

Reading your post was very interesting because your ex's behavior resonates with me quite a bit. I have a guy like you in my life, and I treat him like your ex seems to treat you. Let me give you a little bit of background. (Forgive my English, I'm not a native speaker).

When I was 17, I started dating this 20 year old guy, we were together for 3.5 years. I studied abroad for a while and cheated on him (I feel horrible about it), then we broke up. After that I just wanted to see what was out there, I had a couple flings and two eight months relationships that ended up with me getting my heart broken. During all of this, I would try to reach out to my ex quite often. To be specific, I would reach out to him every time I wasn't happy with the guy I was seeing at the moment, or when I was bored. When I was happy and busy with these other guys, I wouldn't think about my ex. Once, when I was feeling that one of my boyfriends was about to break up with me, I begged my ex to let me crash at his place. I showed up at his apartment for a week during that break up, because just being in the same room as him was comforting to me. When I was struggling really hard, I would always hint at feelings between us and getting back together. Not because I was serious about it, but because I was desperately looking for affection and an easy fix to the heartache caused by other guys.

Now I moved away and I can't really show up at his apartment anymore, when things get hard, but I would still like to. He has been ignoring my texts, calls for almost six months now. I think he is making the right choice.

Now, I will try and explain what I feel for this guy, so that I can give you an insight about how your ex might feel about you. To me, that guy is like a shelter from life's hardships. He is security and certainty. I know he loved me dearly when we were together, and I know that he will always care about me, and take care of me if I'm in need. He is the kindest guy I have ever met... and probably the kindest guy I will ever meet (I've been around for two years now and man, nice guys are hard to find). However, my feelings for him are more like what you would feel for a father or a brother. He is a protector to me, I don't really see him in a passionate way anymore.

I don't think that the way I treat this guy is fair. I feel like I see him as a backup plan, in case other relationships fail. But I do think he is so awesome that he deserves a girl that loves him to the moon and back, instead of me.

So, my advice would be to cut her off and look for someone else. If you really want to get her back, make her jealous. But I can't guarantee you that it would last for long, if she came back to you because of jealousy. To come back definitely she needs to be done with her wandering around and come to the realization that nobody is as good as you. That takes time though, and I believe you deserve to be somebody's first option, not a backup plan.

Sorry for the long reply and good luck!

Hey,

 

Reading your post was very interesting because your ex's behavior resonates with me quite a bit. I have a guy like you in my life, and I treat him like your ex seems to treat you. Let me give you a little bit of background. (Forgive my English, I'm not a native speaker).

 

When I was 17, I started dating this 20 year old guy, we were together for 3.5 years. I studied abroad for a while and cheated on him (I feel horrible about it), then we broke up. After that I just wanted to see what was out there, I had a couple flings and two eight months relationships that ended up with me getting my heart broken. During all of this, I would try to reach out to my ex quite often. To be specific, I would reach out to him every time I wasn't happy with the guy I was seeing at the moment, or when I was bored. When I was happy and busy with these other guys, I wouldn't think about my ex. Once, when I was feeling that one of my boyfriends was about to break up with me, I begged my ex to let me crash at his place. I showed up at his apartment for a week during that break up, because just being in the same room as him was comforting to me. When I was struggling really hard, I would always hint at feelings between us and getting back together. Not because I was serious about it, but because I was desperately looking for affection and an easy fix to the heartache caused by other guys.

 

Now I moved away and I can't really show up at his apartment anymore, when things get hard, but I would still like to. He has been ignoring my texts, calls for almost six months now. I think he is making the right choice.

 

Now, I will try and explain what I feel for this guy, so that I can give you an insight about how your ex might feel about you. To me, that guy is like a shelter from life's hardships. He is security and certainty. I know he loved me dearly when we were together, and I know that he will always care about me, and take care of me if I'm in need. He is the kindest guy I have ever met... and probably the kindest guy I will ever meet (I've been around for two years now and man, nice guys are hard to find). However, my feelings for him are more like what you would feel for a father or a brother. He is a protector to me, I don't really see him in a passionate way anymore.

 

I don't think that the way I treat this guy is fair. I feel like I see him as a backup plan, in case other relationships fail. But I do think he is so awesome that he deserves a girl that loves him to the moon and back, instead of me.

 

So, my advice would be to cut her off and look for someone else. If you really want to get her back, make her jealous. But I can't guarantee you that it would last for long, if she came back to you because of jealousy. To come back definitely she needs to be done with her wandering around and come to the realization that nobody is as good as you. That takes time though, and I believe you deserve to be somebody's first option, not a backup plan.

 

Sorry for the long reply and good luck!

Thank you very much for sharing, I really appricate the detail you gave. (your English is amazing by the way

I must say that the similarites are very daunting. I'm curious to know -- did you ever tell this guy that this was the way you saw him, or gave him any kind of answer that made it clear you wouldn't take the relationship w/ him any further?

I can't help but to think that the reason one may not give a clear answer, is a fear of losing that person completly, or rather...losing that safety net.

"To come back definitely she needs to be done with her wandering around and come to the realization that nobody is as good as you. That takes time though, and I believe you deserve to be somebody's first option, not a backup plan."

You're absolutly right. Don't we all? lol

Everything is time. I've always felt that she needed to just, get sh*t out of her system. On the other hand, I would very much like to meet someone that'll treat me like a first priority, instead of a backup plan. But, it does take two to tango as they say. I know that my behavior is like a sign that says "this is okay, please use me", but on the flip side of that, there is genuine love and care.

Unfortunately this is not a situation where exes can comfortably be friends. Pull back and fade or just mention that it's awkward.

You live up to your name, sir. The word "comfortably" resonates with me. But, that's the plan, I'm going to pull away and go back to me three months ago before we started speaking again.

Thank you very much for sharing, I really appricate the detail you gave. (your English is amazing by the way

 

I must say that the similarites are very daunting. I'm curious to know -- did you ever tell this guy that this was the way you saw him, or gave him any kind of answer that made it clear you wouldn't take the relationship w/ him any further?

 

I can't help but to think that the reason one may not give a clear answer, is a fear of losing that person completly, or rather...losing that safety net.

 

"To come back definitely she needs to be done with her wandering around and come to the realization that nobody is as good as you. That takes time though, and I believe you deserve to be somebody's first option, not a backup plan."

 

You're absolutly right. Don't we all? lol

 

Everything is time. I've always felt that she needed to just, get sh*t out of her system. On the other hand, I would very much like to meet someone that'll treat me like a first priority, instead of a backup plan. But, it does take two to tango as they say. I know that my behavior is like a sign that says "this is okay, please use me", but on the flip side of that, there is genuine love and care.

I'm glad my story can be useful to you.

To answer your question: no, of course I've never made that clear. And I will never do it. I even never explicitly broke up with him. At the time I just said that I was confused and that I thought I might had feelings for somebody else. I know it's unfair, but I really can't bring myself to say something like "I don't see you that way", "I don't want to be with you". The reason is I want to keep that door open. Somehow, knowing that "he is there" makes me feel better. It comforts me, especially when other relationships fall out.

About seeing what's out there... unfortunately timing sucks. It's unfortunate that we meet great people but we are too young to stick with them. I personally think I will never find somebody who will love me like my ex did. Too bad that I met him when I was too young to commit for a lifetime. Also, I think it depends on personality a lot. There are people who marry their high school sweethearts. But for somebody like me (and probably like your ex girlfriend) it wouldn't be possible. I'm just too curious, too excited about trying new things, etc to settle down at a young age.

Although I like to be romantic and think that maybe destiny will bring my ex and me together again in the future, I know that I'm not going to take any concrete action to make that happening. And I don't think your ex will do it either.

Probably not. Her coming back has actually been more triggering than I thought it would be. Like a rollercoaster or tornado. Hell, she even asked me to move to another state with her a month ago.

I feel like I'm going through the "break-up" emotions and grief all over again. I'm starting to think that she's no-good in my life at all. I'm trying to start therapy soon as this has kick up a lot of . The uncertainty is quite disheartening.

All this makes me so very sad.

Hell, she even asked me to move to another state with her a month ago.

...been there, done that.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I hope you'll get better and find somebody who'll treat you right soon.