It feels like he hates me!

So, i have posted on here once before after my break up over a month ago. We were only together for a few months but it was honestly a fantastic relationship and i was smitten as was he. That was until he went travelling, asked me to wait for him and then came back to say his feelings had changed. He broke up with me the day before my birthday and i was heartbroken. So since that day he walked out of my apartment and i was sobbing i had not heard a peep from him. I really have been struggling with the breakup but had remained NC since the day he walked out and was trying so hard to get over this. I logged back onto the dating app that we met on and noticed he is active on there with a new profile and pictures and a new blurb. Safe to say i was absolutely distraught. I tried to remain calm and actually reached out to him and he called me. We had a very generic conversation about life and how things were going and i asked about his plans on moving abroad and if it was happening, i also mentioned i saw him on the app and i was having some work done at my apartment which he initially helped me with so thought i would say hi. We spoke for a little while and he said he had to go but he would call me back in the next few days to catch up properly. That was 2 weeks ago. BTW i am 35, he is 37 - i had met members of his family and friends as did he and i honestly thought this was it for me. We had had some arguments whilst he was away but i think it was the stress of being apart and also i felt if he was asking me to wait until he came back he should at least ask how i feel when he was thinking of extending his trip. In previous relationships i have made the mistake of not standing up for myself when i think i am treated unfairly and this time i did and i am scared i have driven away someone who could have been 'the one.' I am from London and work close to where the terror attacks took place recently, i had so many people check up on me to see if i was ok, including exes from the past, nothing from him which i found so upsetting.

I guess my question is was i so awful that he hates me and literally does not think about me at all? is there any hope that he would ever come back and what did i do to drive him away? I'm really struggling here.

Just my initial impression, he liked you but felt pressured too soon and fighting too soon about him travelling. He probably thought it was too much and he was happier not having someone nagging him or asking so much of him.

I realise you felt the need to stand up for yourself but it might have been too much too soon seeing as you had only been dating a few months.

I don't know if he hates you, but I think he just felt you were incompatible and wouldn't work.

Don't get me wrong though, I am not trying to be harsh, only honest.

I know you said you've been treated badly in the past and perhaps that made you jump the gun on how things went with this guy and you pressured and fought too early on over trying to put him in his place or not wanting to be hurt and treated badly as you had been in the past.

But he might not have been like those guys and you didn't give him a fair chance.

If anything, this might help you to realise the issues you have now of being hurt and help you sort them before you date again.

There has to be some trust again and to give things time and be a bit more easy going. Only if you know for sure that the man is openly being awful to you, should you start in about standing up for yourself..but until then you do have to give people maybe a little bit more lee way.

Don't beat yourself up over it, you're not a bad person you just need to heal a bit more.

Thanks, i really appreciate your advice. Do you think its worth me reaching out again or just move on? I know it was only a few months but i really feel like we had something. In your experience do they ever come back?

So I don't know how much you fought or what you fought about but depending on that it might possibly be a good thing to let things rest.

Why I say that is because you did contact him again and he was a bit on the cool side, which means he probably does just want to leave things.

Again (don't beat yourself up over it) he might not have been the one, especially if he travels frequently.

There are other men out there and another one will come along and you can start all new with a better perspective.

Honestly, I think that would be best. You are still capable of being very happy, but I don't think he's the one.

Sorry i just saw your next reply. i absolutely appreciate your honesty. The thing is i really did try so hard, i am not the type of girl to constantly call or check up but when i found out that he was travelling with another girl which he failed to mention, i was super upset about it. Was that wrong of me? Surely this is something he should have told me as we had these chats regarding boundaries from each other before he left. I was also uncomfortable about him being in contact with his ex but i never showed it. There was one time i tried to end things as i didnt feel i was being treated well and he wouldnt let me and from then i honestly thought we would work everything out.

Is there anything you think i can do to try and win him back?

Honestly, if he is that type of man, you don't want him back.

You ego is hurt right now because you feel rejected but you will get over that.

He lied to you and he was with another female, granted it might have been innocent but then why lie? He also was making you feel uncomfortable with other women.

If he didn't hear you or respect that then those problems were most definitely going to get worse in the future.

I don't think you lost out on anything, you probably saved yourself from pain. You might have even done the right thing and he could have been a player.

Either way, I do think you two are incompatible and you will find someone else who suits you much better.

Thank you again, that was my point exactly, why lie if it was innocent? He said he knew i would not have been happy about it ( as we had discussed this prior to his leaving). I just feel like maybe he thought i was utterly unreasonable which really makes me doubt myself.

Thank you, i guess you are right, i need to try and move on but there is this part of me that absolutely feels like we had something. I guess i wont ever know.

It's just incompatibility and two people thinking too differently from one another for it to work.

Incidentally I would have the same problem if my bf was travelling with another woman, I wouldn't like it and I wouldn't be comfortable with it. If he lied about it, that would be a deal breaker for me.

That's what MY choice would be.

Maybe other woman would feel differently, who knows, but I would want to look elsewhere if my bf wanted to do what this man did.

My take on it is that he did like you, but not enough to turn it into a long term relationship. It sounds to me like you were more invested than he was, and at some point during his travels he realized that what you two had wasn't as strong as it should have been and that he was better off breaking things off and moving on. He may have even met someone else on that trip, who may have made him realize he wasn't as invested in you as he should have been by that point.

In my perspective, your little fights didn't change things for him, he just used them as a reason to break up. The reason I think this is because you mention he extended his trip without running it by you...well a guy totally in love would have been anxious and excited to get back home to you, or at the very least he would have asked you how you felt about it. He didn't. So with or without you arguing with him, I think he would have ended it anyway because he wanted to keep searching for someone else - which is what he did.

Blaming yourself will only push you towards doing things you shouldn't be doing aka chasing him. Don't ever chase a guy who dumped you and promptly went back on a dating app! There is nothing to salvage, he made his choice and that was that you were not good enough to keep. You may think he could have been 'the one', but clearly he wasn't and he didn't feel the same way. Why chase someone who didn't want you? He didn't even bother to call and "catch up properly", as promised! No, get your self respect back, block him on the app and wherever else you can, so that you don't keep seeing him pop up, and go on searching for a better match. I know it's a hard pill to swallow, rejection never feels good, but the sooner you put him at the back of your mind and stop auto suggesting yourself with detrimental thoughts, the faster the pain will go away.

He is not coming back.

I read your other post. You knew him a mere 8 weeks before he went away for the same amount of time. He said keep in touch and look forward to seeing you when he gets back.

He wanted to extend his trip. Why the hell not? He is on a career break! Having a ball. If he had someone serious at home, then maybe not, he had a girl he knew for 8 weeks only. And this fun girl of 8 weeks then got the s. Not so cool. So he started to view her differently.

You knew about his trip before you got together. And at that point you were cool with it. What changed?

Anyway after broadening his horizons he thought it could be good to work abroad. His family are selfish to not encourage that. And used you as some leverage to discourage it. Probably causing him to further drift from you.

I'm surprised you introduced each other to family so soon. It was definitely premature and in the very early honeymoon phase. The honeymoon phase came to an abrupt end because of the trip and you should definitely have waited until after it for introductions.

Discussing marriage and kids with someone you have not yet got to truly know is a huge red flag.

The fact that you want marriage and kids is making you act differently to how you did in your twenties.

The best thing you can do is accept that perhaps you may never get married or have kids and stop putting pressure on new relationships and ruining them without giving them a chance.

He was right to prioritise a long standing friends party over a girl he knows 8 weeks. You were wrong to get upset about it.

And he was right to realise that.

He might decide not to work abroad. He is on the dating app looking for someone local.

I doubt he hates you. But realistically you are not going to be friends so what's the point in contacting each other?

He is gone.

Who's next? Who are you chatting to? Put a little less expectation on it.

Yes, please don't allow this man to keep making you feel so bad.

There are still plenty of men out there and one who will love you as you love him.

This man wasn't worth it and he was actually rude about the whole thing, no one needs that!

You will find someone better.

Thank you again, that was my point exactly, why lie if it was innocent? He said he knew i would not have been happy about it ( as we had discussed this prior to his leaving). I just feel like maybe he thought i was utterly unreasonable which really makes me doubt myself.

Thank you, i guess you are right, i need to try and move on but there is this part of me that absolutely feels like we had something. I guess i wont ever know.

Of course it was innocent!!!!!

Why lie? Because "we" discussed this prior to his leaving.

My guess is that the discussion wasn't exactly a mutual agreement but him listening to you and him remaining quiet on something he didn't entirely agree on since he had already travel plans with a platonic female friend.

For him to actually partake in that discussion would absolutely have caused friction.

I'm totally getting where this guy is coming from now even though I'm only hearing your side of the story.

i absolutely agree with you, i guess i just needed to hear it. Unfortunately i really doubted myself and keep telling myself that not many women would stand for that. So why didn't he just let me leave and end things there? Why did he just carry on and say all these things ' you are the only person i want to be with, you mean everything to me, these past few months you have made me so happy' i believed him because i wanted to and really wanted to see the good in him. I am not saying he's bad but i just find it difficult to understand what changes and you are right, maybe its just not being compatible.

I have really tried to remain dignified after this, no calls after a drunken night or otherwise, no asking for closure, no begging. Other than that call i made and was super rational and really just wanted to see how him and his family was i haven't done anything which has been so hard.

Thanks so much for all your help here.

Assumptions, no one can say for sure that it was innocent.

Just sayin'

Billie, thanks for your message. I understand that it may have been innocent, but he could have just said right?

Also, it was very much a mutual discussion, we were very open and discussed boundaries, him for me for when i was visiting New Orleans with friends and mine for him for when he was going to Thailand. The trip in fact was not booked with her, it was something that was apparently arranged after he had reached there.

Assumptions, no one can say for sure that it was innocent.

Just sayin'

Innocent until proven guilty..... just saying!

Stands for murder in the court of law!?

Assuming innocence here is more realistic than assuming guilt.

Sorry maybe i wasnt clear, i actually had said to him before he left that maybe we should see how he feels when he gets back rather than trying to continue this relationship whilst he was away. He in fact was the one that was absolutely against that and said he would not lose me and we will make this work.

Maybe you are right as much as it hurts, i would like to meet someone who has a view to settle down eventually which i like to be honest about. Maybe thats wrong.

I am sorry but if you have asked someone to wait whilst you travel, contacted them on more or less a daily basis, asked that they make an effort to keep in touch and see your family whilst you are away, encouraged your family to do the same, the person left is obviously going to miss you and could not wait to see you when you got back! To me thats absolutely normal and to put a party before seeing that person to me is just quite selfish, i wouldnt do that.

I have to say i absolutely agree that he is innocent, the issue i had was not telling me.

My take on it is that he did like you, but not enough to turn it into a long term relationship. It sounds to me like you were more invested than he was, and at some point during his travels he realized that what you two had wasn't as strong as it should have been and that he was better off breaking things off and moving on. He may have even met someone else on that trip, who may have made him realize he wasn't as invested in you as he should have been by that point.

In my perspective, your little fights didn't change things for him, he just used them as a reason to break up. The reason I think this is because you mention he extended his trip without running it by you...well a guy totally in love would have been anxious and excited to get back home to you, or at the very least he would have asked you how you felt about it. He didn't. So with or without you arguing with him, I think he would have ended it anyway because he wanted to keep searching for someone else - which is what he did.

 

Blaming yourself will only push you towards doing things you shouldn't be doing aka chasing him. Don't ever chase a guy who dumped you and promptly went back on a dating app! There is nothing to salvage, he made his choice and that was that you were not good enough to keep. You may think he could have been 'the one', but clearly he wasn't and he didn't feel the same way. Why chase someone who didn't want you? He didn't even bother to call and "catch up properly", as promised! No, get your self respect back, block him on the app and wherever else you can, so that you don't keep seeing him pop up, and go on searching for a better match. I know it's a hard pill to swallow, rejection never feels good, but the sooner you put him at the back of your mind and stop auto suggesting yourself with detrimental thoughts, the faster the pain will go away.

Greta, thanks for your insight, i really appreciate your thoughts. You are right, i was more invested. Mainly because whilst he was travelling, i was the one left and i missed him terribly.

I'll definitely try and move forward and learn from the experience. It just sucks as i think i maybe lost a good one.

Hmmm..well my conclusion is the same, you two are incompatible and wouldn't have worked.

Billie, thanks for your message. I understand that it may have been innocent, but he could have just said right?

Also, it was very much a mutual discussion, we were very open and discussed boundaries, him for me for when i was visiting New Orleans with friends and mine for him for when he was going to Thailand. The trip in fact was not booked with her, it was something that was apparently arranged after he had reached there.

He could have just said so yes. But when one is doing something they know is truly innocent on their part, it's hard to prove their innocence to another . It feels easier to lie especially if revealing the truth is going to open a can of worms and cause lengthy discussions. And since you only knew each other 8 weeks it seemed an unwarranted discussion in his eyes.

It sounds like the boundaries you discussed were more to do with dating exclusivity as opposed to female friends and travelling?

Have you done any ad hoc travelling??? It's very common to meet people who want to go to the same place that others don't want to so you arrange to be travel partners.

About 15 years ago I moved country. Was dating a guy for about 4 months. I wasn't working at the time, wanted to explore the country I had moved to. Friend of a friend (male) said he was in the country but travelling so would be in my area in a month to have a drink. Asked him his travel plans in the meantime, said I'd meet him there. Flew out the next day and travelled with him for a month. My bf at the time was very ok with this. I was with that guy for 4 years after that.

Sorry. But you definitely overreacted. That's ok!

Next time you will think twice.

Sorry maybe i wasnt clear, i actually had said to him before he left that maybe we should see how he feels when he gets back rather than trying to continue this relationship whilst he was away. He in fact was the one that was absolutely against that and said he would not lose me and we will make this work.

Maybe you are right as much as it hurts, i would like to meet someone who has a view to settle down eventually which i like to be honest about. Maybe thats wrong.

I am sorry but if you have asked someone to wait whilst you travel, contacted them on more or less a daily basis, asked that they make an effort to keep in touch and see your family whilst you are away, encouraged your family to do the same, the person left is obviously going to miss you and could not wait to see you when you got back! To me thats absolutely normal and to put a party before seeing that person to me is just quite selfish, i wouldnt do that.

He said what he felt at the time.

Scenarios and situations changes people's feelings.

Some people exchange vows at an alter in front of family and friends and subsequently divorce. That does not mean their vows were not what they felt at one time.

You need to be realistic here. It was 8 weeks. Only!!!!

Not 20 years of marriage.

It was definitely ok for him to go to the party!

And if you put an 8 week relationship above your friends and family then I wonder why???

Geez? Why ?

That's not selfish. That's getting priorities right.

Think about it!?

Sometimes we just need to go with the flow and see where things lead. I always think it's a big mistake answering the question "what type of a person are you looking for" at the start of a relationship.....basically by answering this question truthfully you are giving the other person a template for what they need to be to gain your approval. They can use this information to become the person you want them to be....at least for a short time......you then fall for them and soon after you realise they are not the person you thought they were. Much better I think to let people be who they are and see if you are compatible.

You say you only dated for a few months....I would say that he probably felt a little restricted after such a short time and that didn't fit what he was looking for. You did nothing wrong, but maybe projected your level of interest on him and expected his level of interest to be the same.....we all do it.

Don't do any reaching out....he knows where you are. Let his actions tell you the answers to whether he wants to be with you or not. Don't take it as rejection....just incompatibility. There are billions of people in the World I would be incompatible with, and I certainly am not going to get upset about it.

Every relationship is an opportunity to learn.....lesson here.... let things flow for at least the first three to four months and see how they treat you without your intervention.... if along the way their behaviour is incompatible with how you want to be treated...say goodbye.

Best of luck.

I get your point as well Billie, but hopefully people can trust one another enough and have a decent enough relationship where they don't have to lie.

I just don't ever feel lying is ever okay.

If he felt it was going to be a huge fight, then obviously it already wasn't working and he could have ended it then and there, but lying is not something anyone should have been considering.