Can't stop hurting

Sorry ladies and gents, I'm one of these people now who need to vent, - months and months after the break-up.

I don't understand why it has to hurt so much and for so long. There are moments - sometimes a couple of hours in a day - when I feel ok. Not great or happy, but just ok. The rest is like pulling through a thick fog of pain.

It starts when I just wake up. He (N) was usually the first thought on my mind since last spring or so, when our romance was just budding. At that time, thinking of him was such a comfort - his steady affection, I thought I'd always have it. And I thought that even if we don't work out situationally, at least I'd always have the good memories to enjoy and warm me up.

The problem is, those good memories now hurt like hell - in contrast with the memories of my breakdown in September and how I nagged and blamed him, and how several weeks later he told me he had a change of heart. The lukewarm tone and how chill he was just kills me, since I can't cut out the earlier memories of how he looked at me before, and reassured me of his feelings, always wanted to be around me, wanted to be with me. I thought his feelings would always be there. That even if the long distance kills our "relationship" situationally, that emotionally I'd still have his feelings.

I had so many chances to walk away ever since I found out mid-May that he was getting shipped off to another continent after graduation. At that point already, I should've walked. But I didn't - we still had a couple of months left, and he said it'd mean a lot to him if I at least came to his graduation. And after the party, he said some things that made me hopeful. And then I didn't stay away. Then, few weeks later, right before his departure, we spent the last few days together. I only intended to spend them platonically. But one thing led to another, and we went much farther than I had wanted, and I was caught off guard and didn't stop him. Had I asked him to stop, of course he would've stopped - he always respected me. But I didn't. And crossing that line made me fall too deep.

That was one of the things I was resentful about afterwards.

I could've walked away earlier, after his graduation. Had I known that eventually his feelings would change, of course I would've. But in my mind it was worth it even briefly - because of how strongly he felt about me. In my 35 years of life, I had never been adored and showered with so much warmth like that.

Now I'm so full of regrets and pain. Sometimes I miss him in a gentle but very sorrowful way. Sometimes I get so angry - mostly at myself for not having exited while he still thought highly of me, before I blew up and hurt him. I stuck around and continued to talk to him even though I knew he'd leave - at least partly b/c I felt guilty of hurting such a great guy. I wanted to prove to him and to myself that "nice guys don't finish last".

He used to say that nice guys finish last - b/c my previous r-ship with T was an emotionally abusive one, and I had given that guy much more consideration than he deserved, and then felt hesitant or unready for N. I thought: wow, I wasted so much of myself on T who didn't deserve me, and here is a solid gold named N, how can I ignore him or drop him (even though I felt deep inside I had to since he was leaving). But I had always thought that in the worst-case scenario, if I fall in too deep, I can look for jobs in his new country and move there (I have the right papers), despite that it's not my favourite place. Indeed, eventually I got to that point and wanted to do that, but it was too late, and he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

For so many months it was "You are such an awesome person. You are so important to me. You will always be in my life"; then after those bad few weeks "You pushed it. You were so needy, and you were cornering me. You told me this and that, and I felt like I could do nothing right. I felt powerless". I know he was right, that's what kills me most. It was just a couple of weeks of weakness, feeling lost, and poor judgement. But it was enough to kill the romance for him.

Pain pain pain. Morning to night. I can't focus. I have to submit my research next month, and I haven't done jack as I'm in pain. It's been since October, and I am hardly better at all - at what point does it get better? When will I stop hurting??? I thought I've been strong to hang in there and endure each day, but how many more days am I supposed to endure like this?

Whatever you say, please don't tell me to go to therapy - I can't afford it, and the opportunities for it in this country are very very limited unless you've a very good job.

There are some helpful self help books that you can look into. Google healing from a breakup. "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" is a good one.

You have been punishing yourself for far too long now. He isn't the only man in this world that will make you feel that warm and loving feeling. Take him down off the pedastall and stand up there yourself. Yes, you acted insecure and needy. But you are human and you have learned that your behaviour was probably why he gave up. Realise that you are in this current situation for a reason. Which is very likely for you to learn not to base your life and need towards another person. Especially one that you say you could have walked away from earlier. You have learned your lesson, now forgive yourself and love yourself again! He had a choice too. He chose to leave the situation. You can't control someones elses decisions and we all have free will. You have to close this chapter now. It's been 5 months. I know this is a morbid thought - but if you knew that today was your last day on earth, would you really want to spend it moping around and dwelling over someone that is now your past? No. Pick yourself up, focus on creating a life that brings happiness and love towards you. He was sent to you for you to learn a lesson. Those lessons usually come after the breakup. It's about growing and learning as a person. Get your own power back and don't give it to anyone who leaves so easily.

Thank you, Ms Darcy, I'll check out the book... I've also - of course - been googling such things - how to move on, how to avoid bitterness/resentment, how to forgive oneself, etc etc etc.

It is not only a feeling of abandonment - it is also:

1) a strong feeling that I deserved it;

+ some shock at my own behaviour back in Sept, because it was not like me, that was not my normal self, and I am still not fully sure how I went off the rails like that. The only things that came to mind is some people in my former support group who said I exhibited signs of complex PTSD from the previous psychologically abusive relationship, and it was coming out, as I was "reliving" the previous experience in my head. I was highly codependent there. With N, instead of being more myself, I somewhat slid into bits of codependence again - b/c I felt like giving him much more since he was such a great guy (esp in contrast with T). Afterwards, it accummulated and blew up, especially that he had to leave and deal with all kinds of intense work and family things, and I was left alone after giving in to him more than I had intended.

2) worrying about future. I am just SO TIRED of trying again and again. I feel like I can't go through any more men - and esp through any more bodies - not just "for now", but in general. I don't know if I'll feel more receptive ever again.

In my early twenties, I was very averse to commitment and wanted to explore life a bit. Later I felt ready, but then I was moving from country to country, city to city etc, hardly leaving room for a committed relationship. By the time I came here, I realised that things are tough here due to culture and general set-up. In the past six years I lived here, I had two cases of bad luck, and then somewhat unexpectedly met N, when I didn't even know that such kind, intelligent and caring men existed. So, what are the chances for future? My job is solitary (research, grad student), and opportunities for interaction and meeting anyone are extremely limited.

I am NOT willing to "settle" for something mediocre. It is better to be alone than one of those women who "settle" out of desperation.

And even if eventually I meet someone, and he'll start saying all kinds of nice things, I'm not sure if or how I'll be able to believe it and not think that it might go away again. Part of me will be scared to try again. Of course, I might not have to try - given the dry well

3) Aside from the seriously dwindling hopes of ever meeting someone who could be my best friend and partner, I don't even have any regular friends or support system here. All my nearest and dearest (including family) are scattered around the globe. Globalisation and all this intl stuff are great for prof development, but it is a killer for any relational stability. And even people who are my close and good friends (albeit scattered), keep getting married and having their own lives; so we just skype briefly once in a blue moon. I've tried so hard to expand my circle here, to build a network of friends, but it's such a transient place. No one stays here for long. It is all affecting me. Maybe I should bugger off as well. It's ok to be alone for some time - a year or two - but not for this long. By alone I mean alone, not even a "go-to person" like a best buddy or something. It would be easier if I had at least one close friend in town.

This is probably what made me more vulnerable to losing N in the first place. He was not only my lover and someone I could see myself with, but also my closest and best friend. And I was the same for him (at the time). Yet it is just not normal to have one's social "network" consist of one stable person with the rest coming and going occasionally. I am not a freaking James Bond to be able to live like this - not for so many years.

-- Thank you for kind words, holistic17. There is a silver lining in that I learnt some lessons - or rather, it contributed to *unlearning* some of the negative patterns I picked up in the previous thing with T where I was very confrontational and it was all a zero-sum game. If self-flogging would count in any way for paying it off as karma or whatever, it feels like I probably paid it off already. Just so long as I don't make more mistakes...

Not sure how much advice I can give you, but wanted to let you know I know exactly what you mean by "transient place". When I was young, right after college, I moved to one of those transient cities half way across the world. It was SO exciting at the time! Adventurous young people all over the world went there to test their luck and to party like it's nobody's business. But yes, people came and left. I was there all of 2 years -- the most exciting and carefree two years of my life. You didn't get attached to anyone, unless they were friends from "home". Watching my friends leave one by one made me feel bad and so eventually I too left. It was exciting but I couldn't imagine living that lifestyle past my 20's.

Can you leave? Can you get a job in your hometown or where you have close family and friend? It is SO important to have a solid social support system around you. Not only will they help you through rough patches like the one you are in right now, but you'll be able to meet more people through them. At the end of the day, finding the right life partner is a numbers game to a big extent. I would take a less than perfect job in order to have a better chance at happiness.

I know some what of what you are feeling. It's hard. I tell ya talking and sharing about it on the forum as well as with my therapist has helped me in the past week also pushing and believing in myself, not giving up. I know you said you can not go to therapy, but you can get through this little by little. I like the suggestion of reading self help books also, healing meditation they have videos on you tube on healing from break up. Also, working out at home, going for power walks while listening to motivational songs and videos. Self mantras have helped me to for example I say to myself that " I will get through this" I am worthy" " it's a bump in the road but I have been through worst and have won the battle, I can do it again" "it's ok, you're hurting, but it will pass" of course you can make your own mantras. I also think of how proud of myself and strong I'm going to feel once I heal and have move forward. Some break up's are harder to get over than other's this happens to be one of them. Still, you will prevail. Believe in yourself. There were lesson's in these past relationships to learn from and there were messages within the situation. Look for the messages that tell you how amazing and strong you are. Because you are!!

Thanks, Rtyu4567. I think little by little, gradually I will hopefully get better. Probably the most challenging thing for me is the invasive thoughts and dealing with them.

They invade uninvited, straight from the morning. It's the worst part - I usually start my day with jogging (or I try to). And when I jog, since there is nothing else to occupy my mind, my thoughts start racing and running along, and all kinds of unwanted memories surface up. It gets so bad that at times I start crying while jogging. Then it gets awkward, because there are other joggers or people walking their dogs, it's embarrassing.

Then I get slightly better. But while taking shower, I often break down in there again and have a massive cry. After shower, I feel better. I used to do short meditations then. Sometimes I still do them, other times I go directly for a coffee and a cigarette.

Some mornings if I feel really bad and can't face the jog with those thoughts, I start the day straight away with a cigarette. That's bad and throws me off - my discipline and routine get disrupted, and morning slowed down.

--

I might write some thoughts or feelings as they come. At least to acknowledge them rather than ignore or suppress.

Awww, Waraqqa, I feel your pain with this, especially the crying while jogging and showering, as I have been there myself plenty of times. Meditation is a wonderful tool, but also not a cure-all, of course. Your situation sounds a lot like mine does at the moment. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more

Thank you, KMO7970 for your kind words! I might take you up on that! Likewise, feel free to do the same!

When I wake up, there is this phase between the sleep/dreams and reality. This morning, I felt a surge of very angry thoughts rise in me. I realise my anger is not justified - he is a free human being and doesn't owe me anything, and also his feelings cannot be controlled if they went away. He has the right to be happy even if without me, no matter how intensely he wanted me before.

At any rate, now I am starting to feel moments when I don't care as much. As holistic17 said, it is time for me to take him off the pedestal. However awesome and wonderful he was, one of the biggest reasons I fell for him was b/c of how much he wanted me. And since it's not there anymore, there is just not much left really.

We've been in contact and "friends", but I don't feel like keeping onto that friendship anymore. Not because of the NC philosophy, but I just don't really want it inside. I don't want a "hanging" feeling.

Now I'm feeling emotionally stuck, cannot decide -

1) I have to mail him something I had for a long time and already told him about it. I wanted so much to mail it, for months, but couldn't and had to wait and wait, b/c he was moving all over the place and only recently finally gave me his stable address. But now, today, it doesn't feel quite as sincere and loving as if I had mailed it before.

!! 2) He knows I've to submit my research on 11th April - which incidentally is his birthday. It's possible he's kept in touch with me this whole time b/c of thinking it would "support me" in the stressful time. I don't want to accept such "support", it makes me feel like a beggar, as if I couldn't write up without him. I can't allow stand that thought, ugh! I'd rather disappear before that. So then what do I do with the birthdays and the parcel etc?

Or do I mail it today, and then stop talking? Isn't it totally weird to be stonewalled by someone, and then a couple of weeks later get the promised gift in the mail?

These small things often impede me, I just don't know what the best protocol is. I want to do what's comfortable inside, but without coming across either pathetic or weird. Advice for a socially challenged person please?

From one socially challenged person to another, I think that if you are really wanting to move on and not really have a friendship, it's best to just mail it out. Don't enclose a note or anything. It's okay if it doesn't feel as sincere and loving as before. Is it something he really needs mailed to him at all? If not, maybe just don't mail it at all. When faced with decisions like this, I like to ask myself which scenario I would regret more. So, do you feel you would regret sending it or NOT sending it more?

PS - congratulations on the research submission! I'm back in school studying clinical research myself these days.

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

I can relate to the part about your research. My ex bailed on me a few months before my Masters thesis was due. Goodness knows how I managed to complete that, but it was the most relief i have ever felt when I submitted it on the deadline day. I actually broke down and cried.

Couple of things helped get me motivated in those initial months:

1. Reading "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It showed me how to set little goals for myself each day, and to give myself rewards once I had completed them, and of course your self esteem gradually increases as a result. Finishing a section of my thesis, going out for a walk, doing some exercise, smiling at someone - lots of little things really helped to show me that I did have the required strength to get through.

2. Watching videos by Noah Elkrief on youtube. All his videos are about our thoughts, and how it is not the thoughts that pop into your head (such as when you go out jogging or are in the shower), but rather the way in which you respond to them. He has a really relaxing way about him, and I would often find myself smiling and nodding along to what he was describing. Always calmed me down if I felt a bit panicky in the morning after a bad dream.

Hope that helps.

Oh, and you won't be surprised to hear me say.....cut the contact!!!

I find no matter how hard it is to make the effort if I actually do something instead of sat around moping for hours on end it helps and takes my mind off things. going for a drive or being with other people just for company and a chat takes it away for a while. the worst thing to do is sit around running it all through your head day after day it will make you seriously depressed and ill. I like going to the swimming baths,. some exercise and just swimming for and hour helps me a lot

Don't congratulate me just yet - it's only a deadline, and at this rate, working depressed as I've been, unfortunately I haven't been performing my best at all. So, I'm not sure if I'll make it of be able to have another extension....

Have you been able to keep up with work with your situation?

I do indeed want to move on. I've been dying to for ages - either to be in or to be out. Even in the beginning, when things looked dicey after he left - but there were always "hooks" keeping me in. (In earlier times I wanted to have a convo rather than disappearing silently, b/c then he still had feelings, and I didn't want to hurt them by just dropping him without explanations. But then stuff kept happening to prevent it). Now it's very different, he won't be hurt and will not miss me anyway.

The parcel is a gift of sorts - I had picked out for him way back in autumn (when I still had some hope). Not necessary as such, except that 1) I already have it and would be silly to just dispose of it and 2) he already knows about it, so it could be weird to "retract" it.

(-) It's insincere in the sense that I've been angry, and I don't feel like he should have anything from me given that my feelings are no longer needed.

(+) One of the reasons I hung on for as long as I did was to not part on a bad memory. Since my disgraceful behaviour in Sept, I've been wanting to leave on a better memory somehow. The gift could be a gesture of that. Then it's up to him whether to use it and think of me occasionally, or not to.

Objectively speaking, he continued to be a good friend all these months, - supportive, talks to me and tries to help if I need it, etc. But in the framework of "friendship" it all feels like a slap on my face. And his chill attitude is a huge contrast with how he used to miss me and worry about losing me.

Perhaps I'll mail it since I had already mentioned it, and then get move on and try to leave everything in the past...

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

 

I can relate to the part about your research. My ex bailed on me a few months before my Masters thesis was due. Goodness knows how I managed to complete that, but it was the most relief i have ever felt when I submitted it on the deadline day. I actually broke down and cried.

 

Couple of things helped get me motivated in those initial months:

 

1. Reading "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It showed me how to set little goals for myself each day, and to give myself rewards once I had completed them, and of course your self esteem gradually increases as a result. Finishing a section of my thesis, going out for a walk, doing some exercise, smiling at someone - lots of little things really helped to show me that I did have the required strength to get through.

 

2. Watching videos by Noah Elkrief on youtube. All his videos are about our thoughts, and how it is not the thoughts that pop into your head (such as when you go out jogging or are in the shower), but rather the way in which you respond to them. He has a really relaxing way about him, and I would often find myself smiling and nodding along to what he was describing. Always calmed me down if I felt a bit panicky in the morning after a bad dream.

 

Hope that helps.

 

Oh, and you won't be surprised to hear me say.....cut the contact!!!

Thanks Rich46, these are actually some good advices. I have to survive academically somehow, I must make progress each day, and pick myself up after "bad" days to keep going.

Also n. 2 is interesting. It is true that stupid thoughts come whether I like it or not, it is a matter of not attaching importance to them and just going on autopilot when it happens, I suppose.

--

Well, I mailed the parcel just now. And that part of me feels good. I didn't want to keep putting it off or looking at it in my room.

What I now feel bad about is that I mailed it priority mail. I should have done the regular economy mail. Firstly, as priority it will come too quickly (I wanted it to arrive a bit later, closer to his birthday - it would also alleviate the awkward need to say Happy birthday on 11 April). Secondly, I'm worried that it comes across like me trying too hard or too much - a) could make him feel like I come on strongly or something and b) could make him feel obliged in some way.

I knew I made a mistake just as I sent it, but the post office was closing (I was the last person there) and it was too late to change . How bad do you guys think it is?

It was very hard to keep up with work at first. Still is at times but I just keep plowing through. So you sent the gift? Okay, it's done and there's no going back, so no reason to beat yourself up for it. A good thing is that you won't have that gift staring you in the face anymore. Maybe having sent it will help you continue to move forward!

Yeah, I'm just worried about having sent it "priority" instead of economy. It may give off a vibe of trying too hard or desperation

Awww, I think you might be overthinking that part of it. He got his gift and now you can just say, "Oh well" and move forward. Of course, I know that can be easier said than done.

Yeah, I'm just worried about having sent it "priority" instead of economy. It may give off a vibe of trying too hard or desperation

Going to be blunt here.

 

If you had spent the last few months in total no contact, then these panicky feelings would have dissipated somewhat by now, and you wouldn't be worrying as much about tiny details such as this. Priority or economy? You are seriously worrying about that? Months down the line? The fact that you are still in contact is the reason why you are still worrying and "can't stop hurting." You can stop hurting, but not until you cut the contact.

 

Objectively speaking, he continued to be a good friend all these months, - supportive, talks to me and tries to help if I need it, etc. But in the framework of "friendship" it all feels like a slap on my face. And his chill attitude is a huge contrast with how he used to miss me and worry about losing me.

You may think he has been a "good friend" but it couldn't be further from the truth. If he had cut you off completely, then you would have hurt even more initially, but you would have recovered eventually and would have seen more progress in your healing by this point. He has basically kept you hanging on, probably enjoying the attention at some level, whilst simultaneously cushioning his own hurt/guilt so that his recovery can be a smoother ride. All at your expense.

 

You have sent the gift. Now cut him off.

Going to be blunt here.

 

If you had spent the last few months in total no contact, then these panicky feelings would have dissipated somewhat by now, and you wouldn't be worrying as much about tiny details such as this. Priority or economy? You are seriously worrying about that? Months down the line? The fact that you are still in contact is the reason why you are still worrying and "can't stop hurting." You can stop hurting, but not until you cut the contact.

 

 

You may think he has been a "good friend" but it couldn't be further from the truth. If he had cut you off completely, then you would have hurt even more initially, but you would have recovered eventually and would have seen more progress in your healing by this point. He has basically kept you hanging on, probably enjoying the attention at some level, whilst simultaneously cushioning his own hurt/guilt so that his recovery can be a smoother ride. All at your expense.

 

You have sent the gift. Now cut him off.

Thank you, Rich, for your bluntness and sound advice. You are quite right.

The tendency to worry about tiny details at least partly came from the preceding relationship - there were strong elements of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde with mind games. That's where I noticed I had developed an OCD. I had carried it (along with strong hypervigilance) into the following (recent) relationship. I am now learning to observe these things in myself and not react, realising that they are minor, and focusing on the bottom line. Anyway, the "priority/economy" panic subsided fairly quickly on the same evening, I am glad about it.

My birthday is in two days, and most likely he'll remember it and send a happy bday text. I'll probably respond with a laconic "thank you", and then disengage. If at some point he reaches out for skyping, I will either politely decline or not respond at all. His bday is on the 11th. The gift includes "happy birthday if it reaches you at the correct time" (even though it'll come sooner), then I probably shouldn't feel bad about not texting anything on his bday?

--

Today, I looked in my inbox to our old correspondence, and the things I had said to him repeatedly in August and September (just after he left the country) were just terrible. At that time, he still had feelings for me, despite our inconvenient long-distance. But I was off the rails, blamed him for having started smth with me with long-term to offer, even though he did his best to keep in touch under the work and family pressures. No wonder he went off me.

I am so fearful that he didn't delete those, that he might've kept them, and might come across and read them some day. It fills me with shame and horror. It would be such a bad memory for him, to see it all again in writing. I know it doesn't matter as we are not together, but I would like him to forget that part, or at least to soften those memories. In recent times when we were still talking and skyping, I should've asked him to delete those, without re-reading them. Ugh...

Today, I looked in my inbox to our old correspondence, and the things I had said to him repeatedly in August and September (just after he left the country) were just terrible. At that time, he still had feelings for me, despite our inconvenient long-distance. But I was off the rails, blamed him for having started smth with me with long-term to offer, even though he did his best to keep in touch under the work and family pressures. No wonder he went off me.

 

I am so fearful that he didn't delete those, that he might've kept them, and might come across and read them some day. It fills me with shame and horror. It would be such a bad memory for him, to see it all again in writing. I know it doesn't matter as we are not together, but I would like him to forget that part, or at least to soften those memories. In recent times when we were still talking and skyping, I should've asked him to delete those, without re-reading them. Ugh...

No idea why you wold torture yourself looking back at old emails. The past is the past.

I very much doubt that he will be going through his inbox and reading them. And you were right not to ask him to delete the old messages as what he does with his life is his business, including whether to save or delete emails.

I am a strict no contact kind of guy, so I would have implemented it immediately following the break up.

But, in your case where contact has gone on for months and months, I would probably wait until his birthday is out of the way, then send him a letter/email explaining the need for total no contact so that you can heal. Apologise for the hurtful stuff you said last year if it makes you feel better. Get it off your chest.

However, if you do send such an email, then it is imperative that you stick to your guns and don't contact him again. That would have to be your last contact. I think in your situation, this is the only way you can move on and escape this continuing hurt.

Thanks, Rich.

I had a close friend last year who was telling me about his ex-gf with whom things went very sour at the end. He purposely kept all her mean emails, so that whenever he'd get a whiff of nostalgia for the good times, he'd reread them and remind himself what changed his mind about her. So yeah, it's not a pleasant thought.

However, you are right, he is a free human being and can keep them or delete them as he wishes without my input. I could've asked him this before when we were on skype one of the last times, but now I probably shouldn't. It could come across as controlling and in inself would remind him of that time. Plus, it would mean having to reach out to him again - about the topic he is probably tired of.

I had already apologised for my wrongs, and he accepted it. Usually I don't have a problem leaving and have enough willpower to stay away. This case was different b/c of my guilt. I felt like I wanted to make things better first, then leave. To leave on a good note.

But I suppose by now I've done everything I could to that end, however suboptimally, and I can't think of anything else to do, - except hanging in there while getting deeper into the friendzone, which I don't want to.

He could've cut things before his departure when we were parting, or right after - that's when I really wanted some definition so I wouldn't be staying in limbo. At that time, I wanted to know where to move with my feelings, whether to forget him or look fwd to something. But he was trying to figure out the complex geography situation, while later I lost it and lashed out.

In the summer, I was afraid to hurt him by leaving, but now I think he might even be relieved by my disappearance.

When I had tried leaving before, I already did the whole talking thing. So now I'd rather do a quiet disappearance. He's tired of those talks - we both are. After all we've been through, I think he'll understand. And the gift parcel should also be a message that there is no hostility but just a quiet good-bye.

If in a year or so I feel differently and ready to be "just friends", I might revisit.

Thanks, Rich.

I had a close friend last year who was telling me about his ex-gf with whom things went very sour at the end. He purposely kept all her mean emails, so that whenever he'd get a whiff of nostalgia for the good times, he'd reread them and remind himself what changed his mind about her. So yeah, it's not a pleasant thought.

 

However, you are right, he is a free human being and can keep them or delete them as he wishes without my input. I could've asked him this before when we were on skype one of the last times, but now I probably shouldn't. It could come across as controlling and in inself would remind him of that time. Plus, it would mean having to reach out to him again - about the topic he is probably tired of.

 

I had already apologised for my wrongs, and he accepted it. Usually I don't have a problem leaving and have enough willpower to stay away. This case was different b/c of my guilt. I felt like I wanted to make things better first, then leave. To leave on a good note.

 

But I suppose by now I've done everything I could to that end, however suboptimally, and I can't think of anything else to do, - except hanging in there while getting deeper into the friendzone, which I don't want to.

 

He could've cut things before his departure when we were parting, or right after - that's when I really wanted some definition so I wouldn't be staying in limbo. At that time, I wanted to know where to move with my feelings, whether to forget him or look fwd to something. But he was trying to figure out the complex geography situation, while later I lost it and lashed out.

 

In the summer, I was afraid to hurt him by leaving, but now I think he might even be relieved by my disappearance.

 

When I had tried leaving before, I already did the whole talking thing. So now I'd rather do a quiet disappearance. He's tired of those talks - we both are. After all we've been through, I think he'll understand. And the gift parcel should also be a message that there is no hostility but just a quiet good-bye.

 

If in a year or so I feel differently and ready to be "just friends", I might revisit.

That all sounds sensible to me.

I think you have realised what needs to be done - now get on with the hard part of actually doing it!

Time for a new chapter in your life

Sounds like you are more afraid of the future than you are of the hurt from your past. You keep spinning in circles but it has gotten you no where. It seems like you are afraid to let go of the past because that means you have only the future to look forward too. But since the future scares you, you dont do anything but hold on to the guilt, sadness and past promises.

The past will always be a part of you. Even of you move forward it still rides with you. You can have the great memories and the relationship made you a better person. You also must forgive yourself for we all make mistakes in a relationship. You are not perfect and neither was your X. You dont correct them with your X, you dont make them wtih the next guy you meet.

I have been reading your posts from last year and are we talking about the same guy? Have you been holding on the the past for that long?

on a mental note, you said your X is the first thing you think about when you wake up in the AM and do you know why? Because thats what you want to think of. There is no external power that zaps that thought into your mind, you think of him because you want to. If you dont want to think of him, then dont

Sounds like you are more afraid of the future than you are of the hurt from your past. You keep spinning in circles but it has gotten you no where. It seems like you are afraid to let go of the past because that means you have only the future to look forward too. But since the future scares you, you dont do anything but hold on to the guilt, sadness and past promises.

 

The past will always be a part of you. Even of you move forward it still rides with you. You can have the great memories and the relationship made you a better person. You also must forgive yourself for we all make mistakes in a relationship. You are not perfect and neither was your X. You dont correct them with your X, you dont make them wtih the next guy you meet.

 

I have been reading your posts from last year and are we talking about the same guy? Have you been holding on the the past for that long?

 

on a mental note, you said your X is the first thing you think about when you wake up in the AM and do you know why? Because thats what you want to think of. There is no external power that zaps that thought into your mind, you think of him because you want to. If you dont want to think of him, then dont

Last year at this time I was going through something else - it was that preceding thing (I can't even call it a relationship) with the guy who had narcissistic traits (T guy). That story destabilised me so much that it took a while to start seeing things straight again. So, when I was lashing out and criticising N, somewhere in my head I was still reliving the T story. Honestly, the confusion was the worst part. It is fairly recently that I started seeing things more clearly.

On our last night before N's departure, I went way too far with him. That caused something to snap in my head, like there was no going back and at the same time I was not yet ready to go fully in. I don't know why a few extra steps in our physical connection made it like that, as if burned me.

I hadn't slowed down and been more careful, b/c I was afraid to appear cold or aloof with him whenever I avoided him or took "me" time. It felt wrong to reject or cool things down with someone great after having given so much to someone not great (T). I gave so much to T and it was all wasted; then there was the amazing N, and I had allowed the current to pick me up without anchoring at my own speed or even leaving if I felt like it.

Then N left and got stressed so he couldn't sustain the same attetion to me. I got resentful that I went too far and unfortunately externalised it on him. That ugliness that I showed, the disgrace - it feels like slime that got stuck on me, and I don't know how to wash it off, how to be free from it.

No, I don't want to think about him every morning. It would've dissolved naturally and softly if it was positive. But the flashbacks - involuntary invasive flashbacks of what I did - that's hard. There are moments I'm able to put them aside and focus on the now and am ok. There are other moments when I get overwhelmed, it's too vivid.

And now that I'm more back to my truer self, I look back and feel: wait, what happened? that was not me! I am not like that! It was not even supposed to happen, come on! It was supposed to happen the other way around.

I may be coming back here like a broken record. But it is better than reaching out to him or making more mistakes. Thank you all for listening!

I am happy that you are here and not reaching out. So for that, kudos and I know its easier said than done when I say don't think about him. Do you have something that triggers these thoughts? Do you have anything of his with you? Texts, emails, his phone number? Anything that you have that would initiate a thought?

Have you looked into self meditation? Just a few simple exercises that would help you when the thought of your X comes up? The next time an X pops into your head, don't let it dwell, don't give in and say Oh no here we go again. Distract yourself, sing, do something that requires you to think. With practice youll see that you can do it.

The main thing to think of that you are okay.