Parents are controlling and trying to ruin my relationship

(Note this is a long post).

Long story cut short:

Boyfriend and I after two years with each other broke up in October last year due to him having circumstances dealing with his parents divorce. He was in a very bad place and said some mean things during an argument, and decided to end things in a moment of heated words he didn't mean to say.

Fast forward a week after: I sent him an email (that being the only communication he hadn't blocked me from) saying I forgave him and wished him well, and just tried to ask what the real reasons why he did what he did because I could sense there was something more going on then what he was telling me. Long story short we started talking and realized we wanted to try to make things work.

First bad decision: telling my parents the news. (I'm 22, he's 24 btw). They went absolutely ballistic. I had never seen my Dad so awfully angry before and my Mom was extremely bad too. They went off at me, screaming and saying awful things. That I wasn't listening to them and that this guy has red flags and by doing what he did he didn't deserve me or a second chance and blah blah blah. I tried to tell them that this is my choice and I am standing up for what I want, and that we both had made mistakes and realized we still had love for each other. They thought Zach was influencing me to be this way and that I "was bucking my parents and being a rebel." They prayed to God to make Zach's soul feel unrest so that he would end things again. And what's worse is that they didn't think to see that I am an adult that can make my own decisions. All they had in their brains was that I wasn't listening to them and obeying their every command. They couldn't come to think that listening is one part but forcing them to follow their orders is another.

After one day of me telling him all they were doing, Zach didn't have the will power to fight for us. He thought they weren't going to change and said it was over a second time. That's when it about killed me. It took me a long time to get over him and to be in an ok state with my parents. (I still resent them for it).

Fast forward to about a week and a half ago: Me? I was doing fine. I had limited contact with him, my heart was stronger, and I barely thought about him at all (about 5 months post break up). Then one evening I opened up my email and saw something there from him. He had opened up to me, saying he had make a mistake and that the break up had nothing to do with me but it was all on him. That he still loved me and would do anything to make things work. He had also improved his faith in God and realized he regretted not fighting for me earlier.

Well that made my mind spin. I didn't know what to say but after thinking over things I wrote a long reply, saying no at first. That my parents still didn't like him and that it wasn't the right timing. But that no could turn into a yes someday in the future possibly.

He respected my answer and left me alone. As I went to work the next couple days all I could think about was him, and we started talking again. The feelings came rushing back and that was when I realized maybe this is the time we can reconcile for good, and my love for him was still there. It felt (and still feels) so good and he makes me so happy. We texted and talked over the phone for a few days straight and it was like nothing had ever happened. Like it was the same old days.

But then came the worries. My parents. I got dropped off at work and about an hour into my shift this major uneasy feeling just came over me. It racked my brain. Am I making the right choice? What will my parents do? Will I have to move out? Will they ever speak to me again? Will they hate him forever? But then good thoughts would come and I could see a possible future with him. That maybe my parents might turn around and welcome him once he shows how he has worked on himself and that how much he loves me. That a happy marriage could come and beautiful amazing kids too.

We talked about things and found a plan. That we would make it seem like it happened naturally that we got back together again. That I would work for a bit if I could land this possible internship coming up which would help wonders for my career. Then after that I would find a job in my field and he would move closer to me (or him to me if I found a place near home that was in my field). Then we would slowly bring them in saying "yeah we met up a few times, thinking we might try dating again, it just feels so right." And hopefully they would be more open to him.

Fast forward to tonight. Mom senses that I'm hiding something and I think our cover is blown. She tried to get me to talk but all I knew is that I couldn't let our plans slip just yet. She saw my lie straight through when I said I wasn't talking to him. She tried to guilt my emotions into talking, saying, "Is he influencing you to lie? You know someone can say they are a Christian but if they ask you to lie then their Christianity should really be questioned," and that lying is a sin and that I need to make the right decisions. Since I didn't budge she just decided to pray to God to ask Him for help.

We didn't want to lie in the first place or hide this from them. But the way they acted before, it was like they basically forced us too. And now I'm afraid those fights will happen all over again because in an a few hours or so I think she's going to barge in with my Dad and force me to talk (which is another topic for another day, but I've never felt comfortable talking with them on major life issues because they force me too).

I've been talking with Zach and he is staying right by my side. He is willing to go on the phone to talk with them to help if it is needed, and says his family will support me if I need to ghost mine no matter how long it takes. He is fighting for me now. And I am fighting for him.

I just don't know how to go about this the second time. If I try to tell them I'm an adult and make my own decisions, that this is what I want and that he makes me happy, they will try to turn it around and put the blame on him because that's what they did the whole time we fought last year. If I tell them that he has realized his mistakes and he has worked on himself and grown stronger in his faith with God, they will probably try to say that "he's just saying that but it's not the truth." I don't know what to do.

I don't have the financial means to move out on my own just yet, and moving in with him is a big no no and I think that will hurt their perceptions of him even more. I could ask my best friend if I could stay in her empty room at her parents house if need be (she's married and lives in her own place). But I don't want to do that if I can somehow get my parents to be more understanding, but knowing how they reacted last time I don't think they will.

The last thing I can think of is just threatening them that I won't talk to them anymore without a counselor involved, and that my decision is final.

Any help is appreciated, but please be respectful.

Thank you, and sorry for the long post.

Hello, Snuggle and welcome to the forum.

Yowza, what an inexplicable fracas! Oi, no wonder you feel shell-shocked.

For clarification - this type of reaction is atypical for your folks?

And if so, is that with respect to situations of any breed, or the romantic entanglements of their children, or..

Just trying to get my head around their reactions.

Before the first reaction it wasn't typical of them at all. I was clearly shocked and still am upset at them for it. I'm afraid they might react that way again tonight. And it's just about romantic relationships.

Gosh, Snuggle - I am so sorry you're suddenly tossed into such an untenable situation!

Eep. This is a new one on me. First thought - is there a family friend or unofficial counselor, say a respected community figure - that could help intervene on your behalf just to make sure that you are reasonably heard/understood?

I'm flatly concerned that you are even getting your voice out there, at all!

He was in a very bad place and said some mean things during an argument, and decided to end things in a moment of heated words he didn't mean to say.

If someone said some VERY hurtful words to my little sister and treated her badly, there is no way I would want to support her "getting back together with him." Its one thing to breakup due to distance, etc, or something amicable. Honestly, if his parents are going through a divorce and he is lashing out because of it - it might be best to not date him now - go your separate ways for awhile. Let him deal with this new reality. Also, divorcing parents is a game changer for a young adult. Unlike someone who never remember their parents together, it is world rocking and may strongly affect his views of commitment and relationships and in fact it could affect his trust level depending on the divorce circumstances. Let him let it shake out. He may have said something "he didn't mean" but they were said and you don't deserve that.

My first boyfriend really put me through the ringer and my father remembers me sitting on the floor crying over how frustrated i was. There is no way he would was excited when we tried again for a little while.

Just remember, your parents don't want to see you hurting, and when someone hurts you fairly deeply, they are not going to be excited about you running back to him.

I think it would be a mistake to want to see him just to defy your parents. I think its best that you don't see him and finish your schooling, etc.

I don't think I have time to find one, if there is one at all. I'm sure they are going to try to barge into my room in an hour or two to talk. And if I refuse too I think they might find some way to pick my lock and come in anyway.

If your parents were fine with him or tolerating him for the 2 years before the breakup, I am sure my answer of them just wanted to protect you is correct. There has got to be more to the story if they are talking about red flags.

He was in a very bad place and said some mean things during an argument, and decided to end things in a moment of heated words he didn't mean to say.

 

If someone said some VERY hurtful words to my little sister and treated her badly, there is no way I would want to support her "getting back together with him." Its one thing to breakup due to distance, etc, or something amicable. Honestly, if his parents are going through a divorce and he is lashing out because of it - it might be best to not date him now - go your separate ways for awhile. Let him deal with this new reality. Also, divorcing parents is a game changer for a young adult. Unlike someone who never remember their parents together, it is world rocking and may strongly affect his views of commitment and relationships and in fact it could affect his trust level depending on the divorce circumstances. Let him let it shake out. He may have said something "he didn't mean" but they were said and you don't deserve that.

 

My first boyfriend really put me through the ringer and my father remembers me sitting on the floor crying over how frustrated i was. There is no way he would was excited when we tried again for a little while.

 

Just remember, your parents don't want to see you hurting, and when someone hurts you fairly deeply, they are not going to be excited about you running back to him.

 

I think it would be a mistake to want to see him just to defy your parents. I think its best that you don't see him and finish your schooling, etc.

He's realized his mistakes and has worked on himself. Also it's been a while since the break up so he's had time to improve himself and realize what he's lost. Another note- I've forgiven him. And with our feelings still out there we want to give it another chance.

I know my parents see how he hurt me, but they also have a part to play in this and they are being helicopter parents. Controlling and not understanding of the situation.

If your parents were fine with him or tolerating him for the 2 years before the breakup, I am sure my answer of them just wanted to protect you is correct. There has got to be more to the story if they are talking about red flags.

I was trying to keep things as short as I could but anyway those red flags I tried to put in. One was that my parents didn't think he was leading me in a relationship with God. He's improved his faith and wants to do that now with me. He even prayed with me tonight in lieu of the forthcoming argument.

One was that they think he might become abusive (since his ex step dad was to him). He's put that to rest by saying he would never do that to me, and in our two years together he's never shown one ounce of aggression towards me so I don't think he ever will.

Those were the only two they told me, and those are covered now.

I don't think I have time to find one, if there is one at all. I'm sure they are going to try to barge into my room in an hour or two to talk. And if I refuse too I think they might find some way to pick my lock and come in anyway.

Well, it's not the listening that you are the best concerned about, just now, right? It's the being heard - and considered, yourself?

If this is the case, what would you think about taking the talk to them and asking for an equal amount of time to be heard, with as much respect and recognition?

Is the situation too raw/new for such a plan, do you think? Otherwise, I cannot rightly think how to get your own words into the dialogue, and obviously, that's a paramount need, here.

Well, it's not the listening that you are the best concerned about, just now, right? It's the being heard - and considered, yourself?

 

If this is the case, what would you think about taking the talk to them and asking for an equal amount of time to be heard, with as much respect and recognition?

 

Is the situation too raw/new for such a plan, do you think? Otherwise, I cannot rightly think how to get your own words into the dialogue, and obviously, that's a paramount need, here.

Crisis is adverted for now. Mom barged in and just wanted to talk about why I was so mad at her, and I told her how I hate that she barges in and is always so invasive and forces me to talk. And that I never felt safe talking to her or Dad about major life issues. She took that for now and just tried to guilt me emotionally again saying how "lying or listening to anyone telling you to lie is a sin and if you confess God will forgive you. He will lead you down the right path if you make the right choices."

She left me alone but she knows I lied about talking to Zach so I'm afraid she and Dad might try again sometime, and that's when I'm afraid they won't hear me and get all controlling and abusive.

i don't see a thing wrong with zach, unless you left something important out. so he wasn't super religious. that doesn't equate being bad. how did he lead you away from god??? did he forbid you to attend mass or something??

flip the tables on your folks. do not bat an eyelid when they start. when people count on their long history of control and coercion they got away with you, paradoxical types of interventions work wonders, because they've learned literally NO response to your unforseen reaction. then they just waddle away in reverse looking like they'd just seen a ghost.

the she started praying to god bit had me giggling. insinuating there's something awfully sinful about you that requires one to pray fervently for your soul lol.

parents who displace their anxiety onto a child who is feeling perfectly good and infused with the holy ghost thankthemverymuch often do so to avoid facing the tension between them as a couple.

move out first chance you get, the rest of the time be assertive and keep a blissful smile and polite tone about you when they're having hysterics. perfect cue to say "mother you seem perfectly hysterical, what it is, is something wrong with dad?". well, maybe not, but certainly keep detriangling yourself, by repeatedly deflecting attention from your non-existent problem to their inappropriate behavior.

assert calmly, in a bored unphased voice and without even so much as looking up from your homework "i will not have my privacy invaded, let's do this again, this time you knock and say excuse me snuggle do you have a minute, is there something you'd like to share, your father and i are concerned". and then you say "thank you for your kind concern mum and dad, i really appreciate it that my wellbeing is so important to you. i don't really have a problem now. i repeat that i am unlikely to express when i do have a problem though, because you are being very intrusive. i would ask you to respect my need for privacy and my autonomy, and that would also make me more comfortable coming to you when i do have problems. thank you. i have to get back to chemistry now, it's difficult and i want a good grade".

Well, it is not good to lie. But I understand the subject us uncomfortable, since you are living in their house. You are an adult, so you are free to date whomever you please. However, it would be easier if you found your own place to live.

Be up front and honest with your parents. Tell them you love them, and you are touched by their concern. But you are 22, and you need to make your own choices on who you date. And maybe it is the right choice or the wrong choice, but you need to gain your own wisdom by experiencing life and the consequences of making your own choices.

Don't yell at them. Stay calm but resolved if they yell at you. Just simply repeat that you are at an age where you need to make your own choices and learn how those choices work out. Be full of love and appreciation for your parents. But if you are unable to break away, then you will delay the life lessons that are out there for you.

Sounds like you might already have reservations about getting back together. But it should be your decision, not their's.

Well, it is not good to lie. But I understand the subject us uncomfortable, since you are living in their house. You are an adult, so you are free to date whomever you please. However, it would be easier if you found your own place to live.

 

Be up front and honest with your parents. Tell them you love them, and you are touched by their concern. But you are 22, and you need to make your own choices on who you date. And maybe it is the right choice or the wrong choice, but you need to gain your own wisdom by experiencing life and the consequences of making your own choices.

 

Don't yell at them. Stay calm but resolved if they yell at you. Just simply repeat that you are at an age where you need to make your own choices and learn how those choices work out. Be full of love and appreciation for your parents. But if you are unable to break away, then you will delay the life lessons that are out there for you.

 

Sounds like you might already have reservations about getting back together. But it should be your decision, not their's.

I had some reservations the first day where I felt anxious. But my nerves have been calming down each day since then, and I am sure I want him back. It's just now the trouble of my parents finding out our plans before we can put them into action and having to deal with their reaction.

they will know for sure you've gone out to see him, and depending on how controlling exactly they are may even stalk to prove it or stage a saving our daughter from a monster intervention.

maybe it's best out in the open sooner.

was how he spoke to you then really so bad? i mean not according to them, but did you feel it was? humiliating, disrespectful,...?

they will know for sure you've gone out to see him, and depending on how controlling exactly they are may even stalk to prove it or stage a saving our daughter from a monster intervention.

 

maybe it's best out in the open sooner.

 

was how he spoke to you then really so bad? i mean not according to them, but did you feel it was? humiliating, disrespectful,...?

I tried putting it out in the open the first time we reconciled. That's when they got all mad and it backfired. I don't want that to happen again.

To me when we were having our break up argument I knew it wasn't him. It wasn't the man I fell in love with. He said some things and insulted me but they were just excuses so he wouldn't have to say what was really going on with him.

I think my parents saw it as someone who broke their baby's heart and now want to protect her from him again, but don't realize that he is human and makes mistakes, but also he needs forgiveness too and can turn himself around.

And I'm not going out to see him until the cat is out of the bag. And with the way my Mom is sensing things about me talking to him it makes me wonder if she is snooping.

if he insulted you and i can understand their concern, though i wouldn't agree with their method.

be careful when assuming someone's unacceptable behavior isn't them. we can't disown our behavior, or split one part of a person off of the remained of the personality to keep an acceptable image of them without that backfiring.

i agree that you are allowed to make your choices, and your own mistakes though.

would you value your pastors input on this perhaps?

i have recently heard that our local pastors here are certified in family and couples' counseling, gestalt therapy, bowen's systems etc...you may get some good advice on how to approach this with your parents.

if he insulted you and i can understand their concern, though i wouldn't agree with their method.

 

be careful when assuming someone's unacceptable behavior isn't them. we can't disown our behavior, or split one part of a person off of the remained of the personality to keep an acceptable image of them without that backfiring.

 

i agree that you are allowed to make your choices, and your own mistakes though.

 

would you value your pastors input on this perhaps?

 

i have recently heard that our local pastors here are certified in family and couples' counseling, gestalt therapy, bowen's systems etc...you may get some good advice on how to approach this with your parents.

Yeah I know that that part of him came out. It's there and it will never be forgotten. But people can be redeemed. I know a couple from my hometown who dated for a long time and got engaged, then broke it off. I didn't hear what happened or how it did but there must have been some pain there to cause it. Then a few years later they get back together, re-engaged, married, and now have a 1 1/2 year old son. And her parents adore her husband.

I'm choosing to forgive him and see how things can end. I want to experience what can happen through my own choices. And hopefully see that it can turn out for the best and not just dwell on the bad.

I'm thinking about talking to our family therapist and see what she thinks about having my parents be in a session with me so I can talk to them about it, since they seem to suspect something's up anyway. That will at least help things not to get heated and both sides can be heard, and hopefully help my parents think more calmly during it.

I'm thinking about talking to our family therapist and see what she thinks about having my parents be in a session with me so I can talk to them about it, since they seem to suspect something's up anyway. That will at least help things not to get heated and both sides can be heard, and hopefully help my parents think more calmly during it.

i think you're being reasonable. even if it means learning by putting our hand on the hot stove to learn, we do require experiential learning as well, and autonomy, and the right to make and own our mistakes. and you don't sound like someone who rides off into the sunset with a druggie, so i'm sure you could handle it responsibly if it didn't go well.

how come you're seeing a family therapist? do you see her alone, to handle their intrusiveness, or have they seen her at some point? it is frequently the case that parents are avoiding facing marital problems by hyperfocusing on a child, creating concern for the child where none is needed, to have a "legitimate" reason for the tension in the home without having to deal with the marital problem. i don't mean that they do it consciously and purposefully of course. it's something a family therapist could pick up on and detriangle you from with ease.

that sounds like a great idea.

 

i think you're being reasonable. even if it means learning by putting our hand on the hot stove to learn, we do require experiential learning as well, and autonomy, and the right to make and own our mistakes. and you don't sound like someone who rides off into the sunset with a druggie, so i'm sure you could handle it responsibly if it didn't go well.

 

how come you're seeing a family therapist? do you see her alone, to handle their intrusiveness, or have they seen her at some point? it is frequently the case that parents are avoiding facing marital problems by hyperfocusing on a child, creating concern for the child where none is needed, to have a "legitimate" reason for the tension in the home without having to deal with the marital problem. i don't mean that they do it consciously and purposefully of course. it's something a family therapist could pick up on and detriangle you from with ease.

Yeah he's no druggie for sure. And even if it doesn't go well in the end then it's the price I'll pay but if it does go well then I would regret never taking this chance.

We started seeing a therapist a few years ago because we were having trouble dealing with some issues (dad and me). I see her alone and they see her alone/together.