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Is there any hope for my relationship?


poppygirl

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Hello,

 

I hope somebody can offer some advice please. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 and half years and he's never told me that he loves me. I know it can take some people a long time but I'm really worried that after all this time together he actually doesn't love me. I was already there after a year but I haven't told him either, firstly because I don't believe a woman should say it first and I'm worried about not getting the response I want.

 

We've had quite a rocky relationship - the first year and half was quite upsetting for me really; he'd be a bit flaky on plans, wind me up about other women, he was mean and generally toyed with my emotions. Looking back, even though he is my first boyfriend, I shouldn't have put up with any of that but I loved him and rightly or wrongly, I didn't want to lose him. He was very distant and i felt there was zero commitment on his part - I got the impression that he has been badly hurt before and consequently keeps me at arms length to avoid getting to close. It's not all him though, I have been quite needy, overly-sensitive and probably quite co-dependent.

 

However, in the past two years things have improved greatly, he doesn't toy with my emotions, he's interested in how I feel and in making me feel better if I'm upset, we see each other every day and spend each weekend together and when we're not together, we keep one another updated with our plans. Basically it's everything that I wanted. All the positivity and the feeling that we are both so happy together has led me to believe that he must love me. However, he does go cold occasionally, when I ask him if I've upset him/if he's annoyed at me he says 'no' but then doesn't elaborate on what is bothering him. We've recently had an argument - I cried and felt as if it was my fault and have since apologized, but he was very cold whilst I was crying and in the past 2/3 days since. It all feels non-committal again, like he could take me or leave me. Even though the day before he was like a model boyfriend, really loving and seemed smitten.

 

It feels like a bit of an emotional roller coaster and unfortunately I've developed severe anxiety and I am now quite needy, when he goes into a mood, or lately when he's very cold, I feel like he's about to break up with me and I act very insecure- I ask him if he's happy with the relationship, if he wants somebody else, etc. I don't want to break-up with him because I love him but in all honesty, I need to know if it's worth it because it's driving me mad. I just want to ask him, 'do you even love me?' Is that a very bad idea?

 

I just feel so low about all of this

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After 4 yrs you should be able to express yourself. If you love him say so but don't ask in a needy way out of silly rules about who says what first. However you should take note that after 4 yrs he hasn't mentioned it and appears to shut you out regularly.

 

Do you live together? How old is he?

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 and half years. It feels like a bit of an emotional roller coaster and unfortunately I've developed severe anxiety and I am now quite needy, when he goes into a mood, or lately when he's very cold, I feel like he's about to break up with me. I ask him if he's happy with the relationship
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Thanks for your reply Wiseman2, I have wanted to tell him I love him for a while but I suppose I'm scared to. He does 'go into a mood' now and again, usually he'll tell me what's up but when he doesn't, I assume it must be because of me and go into a panic that he's going off me, which leads me to ask him if he's still happy to be in a relationship with me - immature/needy behavior on my part maybe, which probably makes things worse.

 

I think we're suited for each other and when it's good, I feel on top of the world. I think if I knew that he loved me, I could stop focusing on my insecurities and put my energy into building on the 'good' parts of the relationship.

 

We don't live together and he is quite a bit older - I suppose to an outsider they might seem like red flags.

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It's unclear if you are needy or if he is just cold and shutting you out. Do you live with your parents? Why do you spend every day together, do you work or go to school together? Where do you see this going after 4 yrs with no verbal expression of love? And no forward movement? Is he married?

He does 'go into a mood' now and again, usually he'll tell me what's up. We don't live together and he is quite a bit older
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I live with my mother who has mental health problems and consequently, she needs me around. I probably sound like a teenager but I'm actually mid-20s. He isn't married and never has been (I wouldn't go out with somebody who was married). We generally spend an hour together for lunch each week day and then all of the weekend.

 

I just wanted an outsider's opinion on whether 4 years with no no expression of love was weird. He isn't very good at expressing his emotions but most of the time, I feel like he loves me. I'm happy to just 'be in a relationship' with him, not necessarily marriage or cohabitation, just togetherness and love. What's the definition of a relationship 'going somewhere,' does it have to be marriage/babies, etc?

 

I am insecure, I know I am but it's difficult to remedy it. Currently because he's being very cold following an argument in which I cried, I'm now worrying that he thinks I'm an emotional wreck and he'll be approaching other women. I know that way of thinking isn't healthy but that's where I'm at with my anxiety.

 

I want it to work because I love him very much. I don't really know what my next course of action is. I'll be seeing him tomorrow and I'm already storing-up questions to ask, 'are we okay, do you want to be with me?,' etc Who wants a barrage of emotionally-charged questions? I know it'll drive him away even further but I'm very invested in this relationship.

 

Thanks for your help btw, I haven't really got anyone to talk to about this.

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"he'd be a bit flaky on plans, wind me up about other women, he was mean and generally toyed with my emotions."

 

"It all feels non-committal again, like he could take me or leave me"

 

"he's never told me that he loves me"

 

Listen to me Poppy.

 

"If it hurts it isn't love". For starters.

 

This is switch and bait territory. This dysfunctional person will make you ever-increasingly insecure and worsen your anxiety, which you state yourself is already severe.

 

If you were in a truly loving relationship with an emotionally available person you would NOT be feeling the way you do now.

This individual is incapable of love.

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Then it seems ok and that he just needs to cool off after and argument. Since your relationship expectations are being met (just being in one regardless of the future), it will be fine when you see each other. Does he want a better relationship?

I live with my mother who has mental health problems.We generally spend an hour together for lunch each week day and then all of the weekend. I'm happy to just 'be in a relationship' with him I'm now worrying that he thinks I'm an emotional wreck and he'll be approaching other women.
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"I just wanted an outsider's opinion on whether 4 years with no no expression of love was weird. "

but I'm really worried that after all this time together he actually doesn't love me."

 

 

You have the answers in your questions Poppy.

 

What puzzles me is why would you remain in a loveless and cold "relationship".

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Thanks for your reply Hermes. It made me cry a bit but I'm grateful that you're being honest. It hurts to think that I might have invested so much for nothing. How can you spend so much time with someone and not have deep feelings for them?

 

We do so many lovely things together, holidays, days out, etc. so I feel like it's a 'proper' relationship. I've been nothing but kind and loving to him. I have got 'issues' but I don't whether they're because of him or not - I've had a lot on my shoulders.

 

I thought he was emotionally unavailable but he's shown some much affection in the past 18 months, I started to feel hopeful.

 

Thing is, my friends are doing their own thing and I haven't got much of a family so I feel like I need him. What a mess eh.

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"I just wanted an outsider's opinion on whether 4 years with no no expression of love was weird. "

but I'm really worried that after all this time together he actually doesn't love me."

 

 

You have the answers in your questions Poppy.

 

What puzzles me is why would you remain in a loveless and cold "relationship".

 

I've been very patient with him because he's not a soppy person, so I was consoling myself that maybe he loves me but can't express it.

 

It isn't cold all the time, we have a good time together most of the time. But behind the smiles, I'm wondering if it's love for him, it niggles at me. When he goes 'cold' now again, recently for example, I don't know whether he's just being a grumpy bloke or not. I'm just very confused

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Please, Poppy, never ever be with someone just out of "need". Please.

 

You can sort this out. Your friends are not your friends if they can't give you a little time now and then. Maybe time to find better friends?

 

and

 

"when he goes into a mood, or lately when he's very cold,"

 

 

Stable people don't behave like this. You've been seeing this man for four and a half years, not four and a half days, Poppy!

 

What is a "soppy" person?! Soppy is also dysfunctional.

 

A boyfriend with your interests at heart would be kindly and supportive, and would be able (assuming he actually feels it at all of course) to express his feelings towards you.

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Then it seems ok and that he just needs to cool off after and argument. Since your relationship expectations are being met (just being in one regardless of the future), it will be fine when you see each other. Does he want a better relationship?

 

I want a future, I want his commitment that he doesn't see himself with anybody else, the 'rest of your life together' thing. It doesn't have to be marriage because I'm not sure if I believe in it. I'd like to cohabit but I'm happy not to for the time being.

 

A better relationship with me, or a better relationship with someone else?

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I agree with Hermes. He is emotionally unavailable. At this point in your relationship he should know whether he loves you or not, and if he did I'm almost sure he would have expressed this. You two should also be comfortable sharing your feelings and thoughts. It's true that some people take longer to open up then others, but after 4 years of seeing each other every day you should be more comfortable telling him how you feel and vice versa.

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Please, Poppy, never ever be with someone just out of "need". Please.

 

You can sort this out. Your friends are not your friends if they can't give you a little time now and then. Maybe time to find better friends?

 

and

 

"when he goes into a mood, or lately when he's very cold,"

 

 

Stable people don't behave like this. You've been seeing this man for four and a half years, not four and a half days, Poppy!

 

What is a "soppy" person?! Soppy is also dysfunctional.

 

A boyfriend with your interests at heart would be kindly and supportive, and would be able (assuming he actually feels it at all of course) to express his feelings towards you.

 

It is need to an extent (not healthy I know), but it's mostly love. I can't see myself with anybody else because we just click.

 

When we had an argument recently, I wanted to just make-up and hug him the next day but he's just being a bit emotionless and distant. I find that frustrating because it prolongs the ill feeling. What caused me to post this is because I feel like he's about to ditch me.

 

He is kindly and supportive most of the time. I wish he could talk to me about his feelings though - if he's got issues I want him to talk them through with me.

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"What caused me to post this is because I feel like he's about to ditch me."

 

This will sound hard, Poppy, but it may be the greatest favour he can do you.

 

Yes, love, but only on your side!!

 

How can you click with someone who isn't even emotionally "there". How can he talk about his "feelings2 if he is unable to recognise that word.

 

There is a saying, Poppy: "you can't take anything out of an empty sack".

 

He doesn't have it, P, so he can't give that to you.

 

There are people like that. It is sad I know.

 

On a final note, and maybe to get to the heart of the matter would you and he consdier talking to an objective third party?

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I agree with Hermes. He is emotionally unavailable. At this point in your relationship he should know whether he loves you or not, and if he did I'm almost sure he would have expressed this. You two should also be comfortable sharing your feelings and thoughts. It's true that some people take longer to open up then others, but after 4 years of seeing each other every day you should be more comfortable telling him how you feel and vice versa.

 

Part of me thinks he is emotionally unavailable but he shows me so much affection and what feels like love, I struggle to believe he is entirely a cold fish.

 

I just want to be sure. I'm tempted to just say 'do you love me?' and see where I stand once and for all.

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"but he shows me so much affection"

 

So do my brothers, and my male cousins, ....and it is affection but it isn't man/woman love.

 

Have a look at this:

 

"To anyone living with it, emotional unavailability can be devastating. People often mistakenly understand it as a deliberate act on the part of the emotionally unavailable person to use others, or to get without giving. However, emotional unavailability tends to be done unconsciously. The emotionally unavailable person spends an enormous amount of psychological energy maintaining emotional distance from themselves as well as others. In order to avoid dealing with their own emotions, their defense mechanisms have become automatic and spring up the way a bridge over a castle moat springs up to prevent intruders from approaching too closely. It is only when the emotionally unavailable person becomes conscious of this process that they are in a position to do something about it."

 

" It goes without saying that an emotionally unavailable person does not have a clue about the state of another person’s emotions, even when faced with that person’s tears or recriminations, or pain. These feelings may be very evident to others but not necessarily to the emotionally unavailable person. In the face of these emotions in other people, the emotionally unavailable person often feels put upon or feels burdened with an onerous duty. Because the burden feels so heavy, and heavy often feels dangerous, the emotionally unavailable person wants to escape from the situation. That makes for a very difficult relationship, to say the least."

 

Excerpt from:

 

 

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"What caused me to post this is because I feel like he's about to ditch me."

 

This will sound hard, Poppy, but it may be the greatest favour he can do you.

 

Yes, love, but only on your side!!

 

How can you click with someone who isn't even emotionally "there". How can he talk about his "feelings2 if he is unable to recognise that word.

 

There is a saying, Poppy: "you can't take anything out of an empty sack".

 

He doesn't have it, P, so he can't give that to you.

 

There are people like that. It is sad I know.

 

On a final note, and maybe to get to the heart of the matter would you and he consdier talking to an objective third party?

 

I can't picture my life without him, it's seems a worse fate than what I'm feeling now.

 

Don't get me wrong, he does discuss his problems, but when it comes to our relationship, he's can be a bit more defensive.

 

Love is blind I know so I'm struggling to accept that he's emotionally dead inside.

 

I'm an over-thinker and a worrier so currently I'm climbing the walls a bit.

 

I don't think he would speak to a third party, no. In fact both of us might not be comfortable with it.

 

Thanks very much for all of your advice.

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Why not, Poppy?

 

"I don't think he would speak to a third party, no. In fact both of us might not be comfortable with it. "

 

If it were to clarify the "relationship" for you, would that not be a huge plus?

 

A worse fate? Surely a loving relationship with someone else would enrich your life.....

 

and

 

"but when it comes to our relationship, he's can be a bit more defensive. "

 

Of course he does. He doesn't wish to commit in any way at all. Never mind utter the word "love".

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"but he shows me so much affection"

 

So do my brothers, and my male cousins, ....and it is affection but it isn't man/woman love.

 

Have a look at this:

 

"To anyone living with it, emotional unavailability can be devastating. People often mistakenly understand it as a deliberate act on the part of the emotionally unavailable person to use others, or to get without giving. However, emotional unavailability tends to be done unconsciously. The emotionally unavailable person spends an enormous amount of psychological energy maintaining emotional distance from themselves as well as others. In order to avoid dealing with their own emotions, their defense mechanisms have become automatic and spring up the way a bridge over a castle moat springs up to prevent intruders from approaching too closely. It is only when the emotionally unavailable person becomes conscious of this process that they are in a position to do something about it."

 

" It goes without saying that an emotionally unavailable person does not have a clue about the state of another person’s emotions, even when faced with that person’s tears or recriminations, or pain. These feelings may be very evident to others but not necessarily to the emotionally unavailable person. In the face of these emotions in other people, the emotionally unavailable person often feels put upon or feels burdened with an onerous duty. Because the burden feels so heavy, and heavy often feels dangerous, the emotionally unavailable person wants to escape from the situation. That makes for a very difficult relationship, to say the least."

 

Excerpt from:

 

 

 

Thanks Hermes, it's nice that people have taken the time out to advise me because as you can see, I'm a bit clueless

 

We hold hands and act coupley, the affection isn't generic/platonic in that respect.

 

That quotation kind of rings true. In a way, it does help to think that he doesn't know when he's being cold. When he does behave like that, I take it to heart, I think that's it's me, but it's his issue I suppose. I hate bad feeling so I'm always willing to swallow my pride and make up but that gets rejected more often than not and he prolongs his mope. But 90% of the time we're in good spirits - it's not wall-to-wall arguments or anything.

 

I really want to believe he's not emotionally unavailable because I love him and I want it to work.

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Why not, Poppy?

 

"I don't think he would speak to a third party, no. In fact both of us might not be comfortable with it. "

 

If it were to clarify the "relationship" for you, would that not be a huge plus?

 

A worse fate? Surely a loving relationship with someone else would enrich your life.....

 

and

 

"but when it comes to our relationship, he's can be a bit more defensive. "

 

Of course he does. He doesn't wish to commit in any way at all. Never mind utter the word "love".

 

We're both introverted so I think we'd find it uncomfortable. But I suppose if it's between that and the end of the relationship, I'd be willing to give it a go.

 

I know I'll sound like a teenager, but I don't want anyone else, I want him. I've shared so much of my life with him and ideally I want to share more of it.

 

Sorry I probably sound like a dog with a bone. Do you think I should just out-and-out ask whether he loves me or not?

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It sounds like you are in the dark on so many levels in this relationship. Is he from a different generation?

 

He won't say he loves you? He won't talk about the future and he goes silent when he's angry? What are these arguments about?

I feel like he's about to ditch me.
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