Is there any hope for my relationship?

[Hermes]

No, do not!

 

" Do you think I should just out-and-out ask whether he loves me or not?"

 

Do discuss in a calm manner with him (and this is where an objective third party would be helpful) where he sees this "relationship" going. He will of course sidestep you, and you will end up being frustrated.

Of course therapy would be "uncomfortable". It's supposed to be. It means dragging to the surface truths that people don't wish to face and then helping them to accept those truths.

 

" I got the impression that he has been badly hurt before and consequently keeps me at arms length to avoid getting to close. "

 

An impression is of little use here. Straight talk is needed.

 

In any case why should YOU be the scapegoat just because he "was hurt" before. Not your fault!

[poppygirl]

It sounds like you are in the dark on so many levels in this relationship. Is he from a different generation?

 

He won't say he loves you? He won't talk about the future and he goes silent when he's angry? What are these arguments about?

 

Not quite a different generation but older.

 

Basically I've been complaining about my job for a while, which he has listened to and offered advice. Perhaps I've got comfortable with that and gone a bit heavy with the whining. Then recently a job has become available and he's annoyed because I don't seem overjoyed about it, despite detailing how much I hate my current job. I can understand why he would be annoyed; perhaps I've drained him emotionally for nothing. I have apologized but he's still very distant.

 

I'm no saint but in most respects, I think I am a decent girlfriend.

 

What do you surmise, am I overreacting?

[Hermes]

Poppy.

 

You make him sound more like a life coach-cum-job advisor. I will agree that is NOT his job. It's like this man is a sort of father figure, to listen and offer advice.

 

Why are you not glad to have this new job?

[poppygirl]

No, do not!

 

" Do you think I should just out-and-out ask whether he loves me or not?"

 

Do discuss in a calm manner with him (and this is where an objective third party would be helpful) where he sees this "relationship" going. He will of course sidestep you, and you will end up being frustrated.

Of course therapy would be "uncomfortable". It's supposed to be. It means dragging to the surface truths that people don't wish to face and then helping them to accept those truths.

 

" I got the impression that he has been badly hurt before and consequently keeps me at arms length to avoid getting to close. "

 

An impression is of little use here. Straight talk is needed.

 

In any case why should YOU be the scapegoat just because he "was hurt" before. Not your fault!

 

I might wait until this current bad patch blows over before I broach any of this. Otherwise it might lead to another argument.

 

Unfortunately when things are like this, I worry about everything I start to think he might be looking for someone because it's not worth it with me. it all comes down to my self-confidence which is low at the moment.

[katrina1980]

Not quite a different generation but older.

 

Basically I've been complaining about my job for a while, which he has listened to and offered advice.

 

Perhaps I've got comfortable with that and gone a bit heavy with the whining. Then recently a job has become available and he's annoyed because I don't seem overjoyed about it, despite detailing how much I hate my current job.

 

I can understand why he would be annoyed; perhaps I've drained him emotionally for nothing. I have apologized but he's still very distant.

 

I'm no saint but in most respects, I think I am a decent girlfriend.

 

What do you surmise, am I overreacting?

 

I am sure you are more than a decent gf, but nevetheless, I do think you may be burdening him with your needs/emotions a bit more than you should be.

 

Below is an excerpt I posted in another thread but it applies to you too.

 

"Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as opposed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

 

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

 

Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers.

 

Do not burden your man about what amounts to your neurosis. Your anxiety and insecurities are NOT his problem to fix. They’re yours."

[poppygirl]

Poppy.

 

You make him sound more like a life coach-cum-job advisor. I will agree that is NOT his job. It's like this man is a sort of father figure, to listen and offer advice.

 

Why are you not glad to have this new job?

 

I know I shouldn't have been leaning on him to such an extent. He'd ask me about work and I'd just go on and on, which I regret. I thought it was the type of thing I could talk about with my boyfriend, it didn't seem to be along the father-figure lines at all. He has been very supportive about all of it, but I think when I didn't seem overjoyed when I'd got what I wanted, he seemed taken a-back. I have been very down about my job which has impacted on the time I've spent with him so I can understand why he would be annoyed. It was my fault but I have apologized a number of times now.

 

Sometimes I find it difficult to know when I'm being reasonable/unreasonable.

[poppygirl]

I am sure you are more than a decent gf, but nevetheless, I do think you may be burdening him with your needs/emotions a bit more than you should be.

 

Below is an excerpt I posted in another thread but it applies to you too.

 

"Emotions are overwhelming to men and confuse the hell out of them. It’s a known fact. Emotions are like work to men, the trouble of wading and sifting through them, attempting to decipher and understand or relate to them, it's a ton of work. It's also a major turn off and it makes the relationship more akin to the job of a therapist as opposed to something fun and enjoyable.

The Number One Mistake Women Make With Men: They share too much of what they’re thinking and feeling with them. Every little thought, every little fear, every little feeling, every little tear, every little "what if." It's a bit much and to a man, amounts to a ton of drama.

 

If you need a therapist, by all means, go visit one. But your boyfriend, yea, he's not your therapist. He's not getting paid $150 an hour to listen to all your fears and wade through your emotions and insecurities in the dark recesses of your mind, in an effort to heal you or make you emotionally stable and overall, mentally healthy. Do this with your man and he'll be gone in a flash.

 

Visit a therapist of share these emotions with other women who can relate, such as your girlfriends, sisters or female co-workers.

 

Do not burden your man about what amounts to your neurosis. Your anxiety and insecurities are NOT his problem to fix. They’re yours."

 

Thank you katrina. It sounds strange, but I found your post therapeutic. I needed someone to point out that I've been neurotic. I don't share my insecurities with anyone but him, which I can now see is very unhealthy. I was never a whiner but I became comfortable with him and how he would listen to my problems. I think he is cold and distant but maybe I've caused it to an extent. I've inquired about a therapist either way.

[Hermes]

Let's not lose sight meantime of the real issue here, the heart of the matter.

 

"We've had quite a rocky relationship - the first year and half was quite upsetting for me really; he'd be a bit flaky on plans, wind me up about other women, he was mean and generally toyed with my emotions. Looking back, even though he is my first boyfriend, I shouldn't have put up with any of that but I loved him and rightly or wrongly, I didn't want to lose him."

 

I don't know what age you are or what age he is.....maybe he likes being "Svengali". The "mean and keen" tactic. He reeled you in, and now you cannot even imagine a life without him. What will happen when he moves on?

 

Again, what's wrong with your new job?

[poppygirl]

Let's not lose sight meantime of the real issue here, the heart of the matter.

 

"We've had quite a rocky relationship - the first year and half was quite upsetting for me really; he'd be a bit flaky on plans, wind me up about other women, he was mean and generally toyed with my emotions. Looking back, even though he is my first boyfriend, I shouldn't have put up with any of that but I loved him and rightly or wrongly, I didn't want to lose him."

 

I don't know what age you are or what age he is.....maybe he likes being "Svengali".

 

Again, what's wrong with your new job?

 

15 year age gap which has never felt like a massive problem really.

 

The new job has come up as a vacancy, it's not mine yet. I do want to go for it, but he was annoyed because I didn't seem enthusiastic after complaining about my current job.

 

When you say 'when he moves on,' I don't gather that he makes a habit of going for younger women, before me, he hadn't a relationship for a while.

 

I'm not a saint, I'm probably a bit neurotic. I try very hard not to be and I don't want to push him away with my behavior, which at its worse is complaining about my worries (job,family, friends). I suppose if I try and fix myself and stop off-loading, I can see whether I'm the one adding the problem, or whether he continues to be distant

[Hermes]

The age gap is not the point in itself, Poppy, nor is it a problem in itself. Even if it were merely a five year gap it's the dynamic of this relationship that is the problem.

 

No one is a saint, we all have our moments. But that isn't the point here either, is it? Nor is it about being neurotic.

 

Look, complaining about job, family, friends etc., these are topics you'd be best talking about with, well, friends, the real kind I mean. Brainstorming with friends can be most productive when it is at its best.

 

I hope the new job works out well for you. A new beginning.

 

And no, people do not act the way he does simply and merely because of your "complaining". The issue is a deeper one, and again I repeat this has been going on for well over four years, and he cannot utter a word of love.

 

Why do you think he likes this father-confessor role? Does it not seem strange to you?

 

Essentially, Poppy, here we have the bottom line:

 

"I need to know if it's worth it because it's driving me mad".

 

Well, based on the feedback here it is up to you to decide.

[poppygirl]

The age gap is not the point in itself, Poppy, nor is it a problem in itself. Even if it were merely a five year gap it's the dynamic of this relationship that is the problem.

 

No one is a saint, we all have our moments. But that isn't the point here either, is it? Nor is it about being neurotic.

 

Look, complaining about job, family, friends etc., these are topics you'd be best talking about with, well, friends, the real kind I mean. Brainstorming with friends can be most productive when it is at its best.

 

I hope the new job works out well for you. A new beginning.

 

And no, people do not act the way he does simply and merely because of your "complaining". The issue is a deeper one, and again I repeat this has been going on for well over four years, and he cannot utter a word of love.

 

Why do you think he likes this father-confessor role? Does it not seem strange to you?

 

Thanks Hermes, I've found this very helpful. My mind is racing so maybe that's why I bouncing from one thing to another - and why I'm attempting to get some therapy.

 

He has never uttered a word of love, no. Emotionally constipated or doesn't love me, or both.

 

I don't think there's a father-confessor thing going on, he asks me how I am, how my day's been and I let rip. So he listens and he offers some comforting words, he listens because I suppose he doesn't have a choice if I bombard him. I'm sure he would rather be doing something fun rather than listening to me complain.

 

Maybe I make it worse, I don't know. It's been very good in the past 6 months, i felt like i knew he loved me. Perhaps when I act slightly neurotic and whine, he things twice about allowing himself to love. I wish I was less of a thinker, I really do!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like this creates most of the stress and when this bf leans back a bit you panic. Where is your father/the rest of your family? Have you considered getting your own place or moving in with your bf after being together 4 yrs?

 

Since you live with your parents and this creates stress it sounds like going to your bf's place on weekends is the only vacation you get from living at home.

I live with my mother who has mental health problems and consequently, she needs me around. I probably sound like a teenager but I'm actually mid-20s. We generally spend all of the weekend.

[poppygirl]

Unfortunately it sounds like this creates most of the stress and when this bf leans back a bit you panic. Where is your father/the rest of your family? Have you considered getting your own place or moving in with your bf after being together 4 yrs?

 

Since you live with your parents and this creates stress it sounds like going to your bf's place on weekends is the only vacation you get from living at home.

 

The only close relative I have is my mother and I don't see my extended family. I think it would be good to have my own place but it's not possible with her condition, plus financial constraints. My bf has always lived alone so it might be a big jump for him, I'm willing to live separately at the moment because he likes his own space.

[boltnrun]

How often do you ask him if he wants to be with you and if he wants the relationship?

 

If it's constant, I can say that would wear me down. If he's always having to reassure you, that is a major turn-off.

 

That being said, how can you expect him to say he loves you when you won't say it to him? And where did you get the strange idea that the man has to say it first?

[Wiseman2]

It's sad he doesn't really want to be a couple isn't it? So you are ok with this weekend arrangement indefinitely "because he needs space"?

My bf has always lived alone so it might be a big jump for him, I'm willing to live separately at the moment because he likes his own space.

[Hermes]

Right.

 

"My bf has always lived alone so it might be a big jump for him, I'm willing to live separately at the moment because he likes his own space."

 

We are perhaps, Poppy, progressively getting closer to the heart of this matter. So, your idea of perhaps eventually co-habiting (and you have been dating for over four years...) is merely a dream. Surely, P, after over four years, or sooner, it would not be unusual for both man and woman to want to live together.

 

This man will never commit, Poppy. He has "always lived alone". He isn't relationship material. One asks why he sees you. It suits him, because as you are looking after your mother, he thinks you won't want to live together with him. You won't ask of him what any woman would like: love, co-habitation (and I again stress that over four years have gone by), and I don't like to press you on whether you have a sexual relationship.

this arrangement suits him, for his own reasons, one of them being that he cannot bear the thought of intimacy.

 

There are people like that, Poppy. For whatever reason.

 

The important factor here is: surely you want more from life than this sterile situation.

You did remark he is your first boyfriend. Let me tell you there are men out there who are NOT like him.

[poppygirl]

How often do you ask him if he wants to be with you and if he wants the relationship?

 

If it's constant, I can say that would wear me down. If he's always having to reassure you, that is a major turn-off.

 

That being said, how can you expect him to say he loves you when you won't say it to him? And where did you get the strange idea that the man has to say it first?

 

Once every few months maybe. I know having to ask for reassurance is bad and I can feel myself cringe a bit when I ask, but I can't prevent myself from doing it. I need to feel secure in the relationship and sometimes I have niggling doubts.

 

Okay maybe it was old fashioned of me to say the man must say I love you first. Maybe I should say it to him.

[poppygirl]

It's sad he doesn't really want to be a couple isn't it? So you are ok with this weekend arrangement indefinitely "because he needs space"?

 

I don't think I am totally happy with it but rightly or wrongly, I feel like he's worth it. He's accepted that he's stuck in his ways and has spoken about changing.

[katrina1980]

Once every few months maybe. I know having to ask for reassurance is bad and I can feel myself cringe a bit when I ask, but I can't prevent myself from doing it. I need to feel secure in the relationship and sometimes I have niggling doubts.

 

Okay maybe it was old fashioned of me to say the man must say I love you first.

 

Maybe I should say it to him.

 

I wouldn't bother. You will only feel worse than you do now, because it has become quite obvious that he neither loves you....nor does he envision a future with you.

 

I agree with Hermes' earlier post re his inability (or more like lack of desire) to commit.

 

He is 40 years old, is set in his ways, enjoys his "space," and the reason he remains with you is just what Hermes said.

 

You live with your mom, and as such are in no position to challenge the status quo.

 

I am so sorry to say this, but it appears your "relationship" is on the fast track to never-never land.

[katrina1980]

I don't think I am totally happy with it but rightly or wrongly, I feel like he's worth it.

 

He's accepted that he's stuck in his ways and has spoken about changing.

 

Words mean jack ****.

 

One of the biggest lessons I have ever learned.

 

What do his ACTIONS say?

 

That is what you need to be paying attention to.

[poppygirl]

Right.

 

"My bf has always lived alone so it might be a big jump for him, I'm willing to live separately at the moment because he likes his own space."

 

We are perhaps, Poppy, progressively getting closer to the heart of this matter. So, your idea of perhaps eventually co-habiting (and you have been dating for over four years...) is merely a dream. Surely, P, after over four years, or sooner, it would not be unusual for both man and woman to want to live together.

 

This man will never commit, Poppy. He has "always lived alone". He isn't relationship material. One asks why he sees you. It suits him, because as you are looking after your mother, he thinks you won't want to live together with him. You won't ask of him what any woman would like: love, co-habitation (and I again stress that over four years have gone by), and I don't like to press you on whether you have a sexual relationship.

this arrangement suits him, for his own reasons, one of them being that he cannot bear the thought of intimacy.

 

There are people like that, Poppy. For whatever reason.

 

The important factor here is: surely you want more from life than this sterile situation.

You did remark he is your first boyfriend. Let me tell you there are men out there who are NOT like him.

 

Maybe I have abandonment issues but the thought of not having him in my life seems like too much.

 

I love him and I think he is worth it. He has said that the way he his is a problem and he should try and do something about it. Maybe he will, maybe he won't but because I love him, I want to stick around to find out. That sounds ridiculous I know and like I'm punishing myself.

 

What I ponder about is, why ask me out if he's not relationship material. I'm not naive, I know people just want a sexual relationship with others, but it wasn't like that, he was talking as if he wanted to be in a relationship with me. Why burden somebody else and approach them, if you know you can't commit

[katrina1980]

 

Why burden somebody else and approach them, if you know you can't commit

 

Oh my goodness..... girl you are incredibly naive.

 

Do some research. Read articles, books, educate yourself.

 

There are so many reasons why a man would approach you appearing "as if" he wants a RL .... when the reality is he has a huge fear of intimacy and commitment.

 

Too many to go into here.

 

Educate yourself otherwise you are in for a very long and bumpy road, not only in this RL but in any future RLs you attempt to have.

 

For starters, research "fear of commitment" on the internet.

 

Tons of articles.

 

There are also books and articles that discuss our different "attachment" styles.

 

Again too many to go into here.

 

Good luck.

[Hermes]

Aaah, Poppy, the net and everywhere else is awash with writing and articles on precisely this topic.

I suppose this shows some degree of insight:

 

"He has said that the way he his is a problem and he should try and do something about it"

 

But he won't. The alternative is too painful,the facing himself, always assuming ther eis a self in there somewhere.

 

More importantly, there is YOU. Perhaps on your own go see someone. You are taking on a lot, looking after someone who is mentally ill, for starters.

 

Something is not quite right with him, Poppy. He is a "loner", and someone like you suits him right down to the ground.

[Wiseman2]

Does he make a lot more than you? Is he able to help you out financially at least? Is that what you mean by financial constraints? Is that why he's encouraging you to get a better job?

my mother and I think it would be good to have my own place but it's not possible with her condition, plus financial constraints.