I need to get this out. Was I being abused?

This post is going to be long. I don't know how to feel right now.

I already made a post about this. I didn't like it, I didn't add enough detail. I want everything to be in here. I met her online and we live a few hours away, and most of our talks are in text. Her name was Shyanne.

About a year ago, I met this girl. She was shy, kind, and pretty. I was intrigued by her, and she was extremely interested in me. We ended up talking a lot. I felt comfortable around her. It turned out we had a lot in common, we were like twins. She was like a female version of me. She was someone who understood me and I could trust and tell my feelings to. She made me happy.

But she also had a lot of problems. She had anorexia, depression, anxiety, she was suicidal, her family life was horrible, her dad was emotionally abusive. She told me about how her dad use to be an alcoholic, he called her a *** every day, he use to hit her. Her family was also in financial problems, her dad didn't have a job. He had diabetes, she had lots of pills. She was truly a troubled girl but I looked past that. In her I saw a pretty girl with lots of uniqueness and individuality. I saw a girl that I would be comfortable talking to about anything. And we did. I remember we use to stay up hours talking. I even talked to her for 12 hours straight before. It bewilders me how I use to do that. We were best of friends, she ranted to me about her life issues and I listened. I helped her and gave her advice.

The first obstacle in our relationship was her anorexia. I knew that had to go. I tried to convince her to stop. She repeatedly said it didn't affect me, that it didn't mean anything to me. It did, it hurt me on the inside. I tried to explain this but she didn't understand. One night we were talking, and as usual the topic came to anorexia. She didn't like talking about it, which made me reason even more that she didn't like it. I sat there for 30 minutes, crying as I messaged her how much she meant to me, that I wanted her to be happy and not have to deal with these issues. I told her I was her friend, and that friends will help each other get over a problem even if it makes them mad for a while, because after that they'll like them even more. She cried. I made her promise to me she would stop. She did. I was happy and she was happy. I felt good about myself.

We continued talking. I learned more and more about her, we started to finish each others sentences. She did so many cute things, she would make funny puns. She would use cute words and phrases. Her favorite was heck, "oh, heck." I loved it. I still use it. She use to also say "ahhhhh" a lot in a high pitched noise, I use it sometimes still use it a little. We talked as usual for a long time. We talked about everything, wanting to know every little thing about each other, from our sexuality to favorite things. I knew everything about her. She could ask me a question about her life and I could answer it. I started to get feelings for her. One night, I sat in bed talking to her. I told her I started to feel things for her, but I didn't know what it was. I had never felt love on that level before. It was so strong, I couldn't describe it. I told her I loved her. She didn't say it back and I asked why. She explained about her past, her emotionally abusive boyfriends that took advantage of her anxiety and fragileness. She told me she didn't trust anyone with her love anymore. I told her I loved her for who she is, and not who I want her to be. I really wanted her to be happy, I was super nice to her. She started crying and told me she loved me. That was the happiest night of my life.

I want to talk about her depression and anxiety for a moment. She had social anxiety, she shaked when she went in public, she couldn't go to school because she would have panic attacks. She had panic attacks when I was mad at her because she loved me. She hated being mean, she had panic attacks if she was mean. She hated being selfish, she was afraid to even stand up for herself because she felt it was selfish for her to. This is important to remember. It seems mean right now, but I miss these things.

We were in love for a while. It was a highlight of my life. She helped me learn about myself, about life, about things I never knew about. She helped me find myself. I never really felt emotions before her. I was just mundane, I didn't care about much other than doing what I needed to do. She showed me the light, she made me feel human. I love her so much. But it started to fade. I didn't know why. I was confused, I didn't understand. I was so nice to her, I tried to be fun, I was fun, she just stopped trying to talk to me as much and when we did, she obviously wasn't interested. One night, I asked her if she loved me anymore. She said no. I was broken. I felt destroyed. I cried for hours, I had marks on my nose and my eyes were hurting. I kept crying still, because I loved her. I asked her why she didn't love me later that night, after hours of sulking in my own feelings. She said she didn't feel anything anymore, not even happyness of love for her cats. I researched her anxiety pills. She took lexapro, a SSRI. These pills make it so the dopamine in your brain gets blocked, and you don't feel happyness, or love, or anything. That's why she didn't love me. I knew I could save her. I felt hopeless and destroyed but I knew. I did everything I could. I convinced her to get off them, but it wasn't that easy. She had to deal with the withdrawals of the drug. She was moody, she was mean to me and said things that hurt my feelings. She always apologized after but she told me multiple times she didn't love me anymore and she was sure her regular self didn't either. I didn't lose hope. I didn't just love her, she was a friend. My only real friend. The person I could trust with anything and I didn't want to lose that. I kept going through.

One day, I was sitting there texting her. She was mean to me the day before, she said she didn't care about me. But today, she was going to be nice, at least I think she was. She told me she had something on her mind. She never tells me about that unless she wants me to know. I asked her. She said she didn't want to because it was unfair to me, but I knew what it was. I asked her if it had to do with love. She waited a while. I knew she was going to say yes, I knew she was going to say she didn't love me anymore, and that it's unfair to me. But she told me the reason it was unfair to me was because she loved me... and that she was so mean to me and she felt so bad, that she didn't deserve my love. I told her I loved her more than anything and that being mean to me wasn't her fault. That it was just the withdrawals from the pills. I was happy again.

But it didn't last for long. It really didn't. This is the part I hate, the part without the happy ending. I'm going to cry typing it possibly. I've cried enough, I don't want to cry anymore. I want to forget her.

I was happy for a while. But like last time, I felt something was wrong. She wasn't the same even after being off the pills. Remember how she use to hate being mean, selfish, and was grateful for me? She didn't act like it. She would easily get mad at me and hurt my feelings. We would still talk and at first it didn't really bother me because I was so happy to have her back. But, it started to bother me... a lot. She would say things to me and go to far with jokes. For example, one night I asked who her celebrity crush was. I already knew, but I just wanted something to talk about, (she was tired and not talkative.) She told me who it was. I told her that was enough, and to move onto another topic. I'm fine with her having celebrity crushes, that's okay with me. But what she did pissed me off. She said "I would cheat on you with him... but it wouldn't be cheating, because I would break up with you, **** him, then get back with you, so it wouldn't be cheating." I told her to stop. She kept going. I was mad, I was angry. She acted mad at me for taking her "joke" seriously. She told me I was sensitive for taking it seriously, that it was just a joke. I told her to stop multiple times. She didn't. She later apologized, but that was just the hook. When I say that was the hook, it was her way to lure me back... because she was using me. The next part will make me mad for a long time.

She was constantly mean to me, she made me feel awful. Every day I felt anxious and sad. I felt horrible about what was happening, she was treating me like crap. I did nothing but be nice to her. I can't even think of a single time I said a mean thing to her, honest to god. I was good to her, I helped her gain confidence and become... happy, for once. None of this mattered to her. She took the fact that I loved her more than myself and took advantage of it. Remember how I said her past boyfriends were abusive? That carries on... to her. She became the abuser. I didn't realize it until today. This went on for a while, a few weeks. She constantly made me mad at her and made me feel horrible. She made me clingy and annoying because I was afraid to make her mad. I told her about this. I told her how I felt. She blamed me, she told me I was too sensitive, too clingy, annoying, and I bothered her. I told her I would change. I would make it right again. One night, she decided it was enough. She wanted to break up with me. I didn't understand why. I cried for hours. It was worse than the first time. She wasn't on pills this time, I couldn't fix the relationship. It was over, it was dying. I wanted to stop feeling horrible. I begged her to let me be friends, because, once again, she was my only friend. She made me feel special and she made me happy, I could share feelings with her. We tried. It worked for a few hours. She apologized for being mean then... a few hours later, began to became mean. I sent her many messages about how much I care for her and that I did everything for her, I gave her my heart and I poured it into her, I destroyed myself trying to make her better and now she treats me like this. I felt betrayed, I felt like she hated me for no reason. We tried to make it work once again, and it didn't. She was mean to me again, and I was broken again. I've never cried so much in my life.

Today, this morning, I decided to research emotional abuse. The first thing I read gave me shivers down my spine. The very first sign of an emotionally abusive relationship was if they made sarcastic comments that hurt your feelings, then called you sensitive. I dove deeper. Every website I looked at made me realize what she was doing to me. She was using me. She was taking advantage of me. It was all because I was nice to her and she took advantage of that. I told her this. I confronted her about being an emotional abuser. She wasn't suprised, if anything, she acted like she KNEW about it already. She did, she was using me, abusing me. I realized how every time something bad happened, she blamed me or found an excuse not to blame herself, and I ate it up like a fool. I let her control me and abuse me. She apologized but it wasn't sincere, and she didn't want to help herself. She became the type of person she would hate. She made me hate her, she became what she begged me not to become, she begged me not to become a manipulator. But look who turned into one. She did. She turned into the abuser. She took advantage of me. And all because I was nice to her, I made her happy, I loved her more than myself. I felt horrible. I still do, I don't know how to feel. I love her then I hate her, I want to fix her but then I know it won't work at the same time, she will always abuse me. Nothing will make it back to what it use to be.

I don't know what to do other than to sit here. I want to fix her. I want to leave. I want to cry. I want to hug her. I love her and I care about her. She's a troubled girl with anxiety, depression, home issues, and she's fragile. I feel like she's still in there but I know I won't be able to help her. She won't let me help her. She blocked every form of communication with me. She didn't even say goodbye.

I don't know what to do. Can I make it work? I know I have to forget her but she was the only one in the world who understood me and made me feel happy. I want hope. I want a way to have her back.

I can't talk to her anymore, she completely blocked me out. I know one day she will get off her ego train from abusing me and realize what she did. She will feel horrible, and maybe she will come back to me and beg me for forgiveness. I don't know if I would give her it. I had a friend of mine send her a message, telling her that I don't want to talk to her anymore since she is abusive. I told her if she truly wanted to change herself, I was there for her and I could help her. It sounds dumb, but from a person like me that's desperately in love with something they are not allowed to talk to anymore, I'm crushed. I don't want her abusive self back. I want the girl I fell in love with back, but I don't know how to. I hate how she hates me for no reason, how I did nothing to deserve this. I made her a happy person. I want it back. I want it all back.

Please help me.

She's not a project to work on and be fixed. I think that's half the problem. .... you see yourself as her saviour rather than someone who just wants to be with her and love her for who she is. She is clearly mentally ill - but it's unlikely you can fix that. She has to do this for her..... yes, you were there for her and maybe she did take advantage but if you've got serious mental health issues, which she seems to have, then half the time you're barely able to function.

As harsh as it sounds you need to take a step away from this girl a day go NC. She doesn't over you lime you want her to and the only person who can fix her is herself. Look after you X

Unfortunately she is too troubled and damaged to have a relationship. She needs a therapist not a bf. Any abuse was more likely collateral damage from her completely fractured mental state, rather than calculated "abuse".

You were not helping by hanging around because a relationship is too much strain for someone like this. It's great she blocked you so half the work is done, now go no contact and block her. She needs professional help not a bf.

I want to fix her. I want to leave.She's a troubled girl with anxiety, depression, home issues, and she's fragile.She blocked every form of communication with me.

You can't 'fix' her...

Just go NC. No matter how old you are, you don't need all this drama in your life.

A tip for the future: a person who claims EVERYONE (all the exes, parents, you) in their life is manipulative/emotionally abusive/narcissistic/etc... they are usually the one with the problem.

Thank you guys for your advice. I've started to come to the point where I've exhausted myself from being too sad and all I can do is think. I've realized I need to just let her go. It'll be hard because I know she will come back for me one day or something and I won't know what to do other than to block her, which I don't want to do because I do care for her. I'm going to cut all ties with her and forget about her. I can already feel myself starting to realize that it needs to happen.

I'm just afraid I won't find anyone else. I know there are plenty of people but a lot of girls aren't like me. She was my one in a billion to be honest, I just hate it had to end so horribly. I'm afraid one day she will wake up and realize what she did. She might attempt to commit suicide. I don't know. I'm just afraid for the future at this point, I don't care so much about the past. I wouldn't go back in time to when it was good, (if I couldn't come back to the present whenever I wanted, at least,) because it wouldn't work anyways. I'm more scared for her safety than myself. I'm fine with being over her. I don't need her. I don't want to think for the rest of my life, "I wonder what happened to Shyanne?" because the thought that she commit suicide would make me feel horrible. I do care about her and I want her to be happy even if we aren't together.

It scares me a little.

You said she was suicidal before you met her. She made her choices. You are NOT responsible in ANY WAY for the state of her mental health, including possible suicide attempts.

Please do not stay/worry due to that misplaced feeling of guilt. Speaking from experience here.

You said she was suicidal before you met her. She made her choices. You are NOT responsible in ANY WAY for the state of her mental health, including possible suicide attempts.

 

Please do not stay/worry due to that misplaced feeling of guilt. Speaking from experience here.

I know, but I care for her. I might not in a year, but right now I do. I would help her right now if she was suicidal, even after what she did, because I care about her. I wouldn't be her friend anymore, I wouldn't at all. I wish the best for her, I don't "hate" her, I hate the way she treated me and acted. She's still the person I knew but she's just changed because of her mental issues. I don't want her anymore.

The thing I want to know is how to get over her. Is going NC the only way? Right now I feel emotionless a little, I want to forget her but I know when I'm in bed I'm going to cry again. I'm just in denial right now.

The thing I want to know is how to get over her. Is going NC the only way?

Yeah, NC is the right way.

It hurts more at first, but you will get over this situation much faster. If you keep engaging with her, you might see glimmers of hope (a positive text, perhaps), only to be let down/crushed all over again... it's that cycle that will ultimately hurt you much much more, and prevent you from moving on.

As she's blocked you, NC should be easier. If she does try to get in touch, just ignore. If she tries to get in touch and threatens suicide, call the police or paramedics if you are concerned for her safety, but don't engage with her.

Thank you all. Since I was concerned with her safety, I had a friend send her medical advice on how to fix her issues (including how to fix being an emotional abuser,) along that she shouldn't talk to me again unless she needs urgent help.

She is most likely going to send me a text or something. I'll most likely not ignore it, but I'm not going to be with her anymore, even if I reply it will be that I'll never forgive her. I refuse to want her again, I want someone who will love me like I love them, not an abuser. I'm going to miss what we had, but I know it's nothing I can control. It's out of my reach and I'll think about her a lot, I'll see things that give me flashbacks about the good times and make me sad, but I'll get over her. She isn't for me, she doesn't deserve my love. She wasn't good to me for everything I did for her. She's unstable and I can't fix her.

Stop this. It's not your place to advise her and cause more damage by insinuating she is "an emotional abuser". Stop circumventing her block, it's creepy. You don't have to tell her to 'stop talking to you', she blocked you! I had a friend send her medical advice on how to fix her issues (including how to fix being an emotional abuser,) along that she shouldn't talk to me again unless she needs urgent help.

Stop this. It's not your place to advise her and cause more damage by insinuating she is "an emotional abuser". Stop circumventing her block, it's creepy. You don't have to tell her to 'stop talking to you', she blocked you!

 

She's going to talk to me again, maybe I'm wrong but I have a reason to believe she will, something in her is going to tick. It could be today, in a week, in 2 months, she will come back and apologize. I'm not falling for it this time, she's not coming back in my life. I'm over her, I don't want her.

 

And I'm sorry for sending her medical advice. I just care for her still, not enough to TRY to "fix" her, but to enough to just want her to not live a miserable life. I'm cutting her out now.h

Not if you block her.

She's going to talk to me again, maybe I'm wrong but I have a reason to believe she will, something in her is going to tick. It could be today, in a week, in 2 months, she will come back and apologize.

I don't want to block her.

I don't know why, right now I don't. But maybe in a few weeks I will. My brain is still in the stage of trying to unscramble everything that happened.

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