Questions about a relationship...

I have a tale to tell and several questions to follow. I'm sorry it's long, but I'm super greatful for any support you can provide:

So a few years ago I wound up in a relationship with a guy I knew was very obviously into me, but struggling with his sexuality... nonetheless, we dated for half a year and it was the closest, most loving relationship I've ever experienced (and that is saying something).

I felt like he was my soul mate (for lack of a better term) because we were like best friends, we had very open communication, we were seen as a power couple...a 'perfect match'. I was completely in love and intending to marry him (he wanted to).

But his struggle with figuring himself out in terms of his sexuality was an issue and eventually, in an attempt to hide it from his family and I guess society at times, he cheated on me and left me for a girl.

This was obviously devastating and turned my life upside down. I spent the next year and a half struggling with severe depression and suicidal ideation. Words can't properly describe how much of a nightmare it was. Constantly feeling so hurt and angry, yet wishing he'd come back and be courageous, and then feeling guilty for wishing that.

This past year, a friend of mine got a lot closer with me and it really helped me come out of that depression and start rebuilding my life. I felt like I had come so far. I was happy again at times and hardly thought of my ex. Sometimes he'd linger in my dreams, but I started to accept he wasn't going to come around.

Then something absolutely crazy happened... we ran into each other at a party, his best friend talked to me and told me he's been struggling since losing me and accepting his sexuality. And then drunkenly we got back together and it was honestly the happiest I had felt in so long... and also the most surreal. I feared it was just for that night, but we're dating again... it's been a couple months now and here's what has changed:

- he is much more secure about his sexuality and is publicly comfortable being with me;

- he seems even more in love with me this time around;

- he came out to his mom and told her about us (actually he did this half a year ago when he was still with the girl and his mom helped support him trying to figure out if he should break up with her because he had lost me and didn't want to be alone)

- he has clearly matured a lot more emotionally and we seem to be on the same level now

So obviously things are great... dream like.

Here are my questions/concerns:

1. Thoughts on the whole "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours to keep."?

2. I am having issues with trusting him. I am doing my best to not let the past hold my back, but his betrayal has me so insecure about being truly vulnerable with him like I used to be... he'll ask me what's on my mind at times and if it's something that will make me vulnerable, I can't answer truthfully. I try, but the words won't come. How do I get over this?

3. This is related to the vulnerability thing... I haven't told him I love him yet since getting back together and I want to. He hasn't said he loves me or I'd obviously say it back, but I think he is afraid and needs me to lead the way... but I'm scared too and I don't know...any advice or opinions on this?

4. We've not discussed our relationship yet... where we're at, how serious this is. It all seems obvious, but we're both just enjoying it and I guess, afraid to mess it up by making it too serious too soon... any opinions about breaking that ice?

5. Any other opinions about this whole thing or generic ex-dating advice (if it is relevant to gay relationships)?

Thanks for reading

Are you in for the long run? If you are, you gotta ask him if he is also, quite simple right? You are best off if you fix what appear to be nominal concerns with him asap. Don't over analyze your self-developed concerns as they could take you young at end of day(heart attack, etc).

I strongly suggest counseling.

You have experienced a terrible betrayal, and you guys don't have a future until this is dealt with properly.

I strongly suggest counseling.

 

You have experienced a terrible betrayal, and you guys don't have a future until this is dealt with properly.

I've been in counseling the entire time... what exactly is the 'proper' way to deal with betrayal? Like I've been dealing with it for years. I forgive him. But the lingering effect, like I said, is that I'm now dealing with insecurities/difficulties being vulnerable. Counseling doesn't really help me with that, which is why I'm looking for other's input on overcoming those sorts of challenges.

But his struggle with figuring himself out in terms of his sexuality was an issue and eventually, in an attempt to hide it from his family and I guess society at times, he cheated on me and left me for a girl.

hiya darling x ^^^ I don't see it quite the same way , so just my opinion .. I don't see this as the horrendous betrayal that everyone else does ..oh don't get me wrong , as far as your feelings are concerned , what you went through in the aftermath is shocking absolutely shocking but ...what I see is a man who wanted to fit into the stereotypical man meet woman routine , he did what many do , pretend to be something they are not just to fit in to what they think is the *normal* , very sad . There are many on here who come on and say they think their S.O is gay ..so in one way , you have been through the pain and heartbreak already , he has already done it , tried and tested it if you like , he now knows who he is regarding his sexuality. He has come out to his mum and is lording it up in public as proud as you like ... If he had been unfaithful with another man I wouldn't be giving him this huge vote of confidence , but he didn't , you got hurt but it has all come back round and is better then ever for many reasons . But , this is how it is for people who get back with someone who cheated , again it is all over this board , posters wanting to give their ex a second chance but fear grips them that they will do it again . Only time will heal this insecurity so just take this one day at a time and slowly your worries will subside ..Rome wasn't built in a day and all that !

hiya darling x ^^^ I don't see it quite the same way , so just my opinion .. I don't see this as the horrendous betrayal that everyone else does ..oh don't get me wrong , as far as your feelings are concerned , what you went through in the aftermath is shocking absolutely shocking but ...what I see is a man who wanted to fit into the stereotypical man meet woman routine , he did what many do , pretend to be something they are not just to fit in to what they think is the *normal* , very sad . There are many on here who come on and say they think their S.O is gay ..so in one way , you have been through the pain and heartbreak already , he has already done it , tried and tested it if you like , he now knows who he is regarding his sexuality. He has come out to his mum and is lording it up in public as proud as you like ... If he had been unfaithful with another man I wouldn't be giving him this huge vote of confidence , but he didn't , you got hurt but it has all come back round and is better then ever for many reasons . But , this is how it is for people who get back with someone who cheated , again it is all over this board , posters wanting to give their ex a second chance but fear grips them that they will do it again . Only time will heal this insecurity so just take this one day at a time and slowly your worries will subside ..Rome wasn't built in a day and all that !

I agree with you. I understand why it all happened, which is why I forgave him.

And I think you are right... taking it one step at a time. I guess my anxiety just gets in the way. When I start to feel insecure, he notices (he always picks up on my feelings) and he'll ask about it, and I'll want to tell him what's going through my head, but I can't seem to find the words... I'm afraid of losing him again. I need more assurance, I suppose... I guess it is at least reassuring that he came back to me, and that he told his mom and is clearly embracing his sexuality now.

This is likely going to all be fine. I think I am not used to being happy anymore and don't trust in it.

I've been in counseling the entire time... what exactly is the 'proper' way to deal with betrayal? Like I've been dealing with it for years. I forgive him. But the lingering effect, like I said, is that I'm now dealing with insecurities/difficulties being vulnerable. Counseling doesn't really help me with that, which is why I'm looking for other's input on overcoming those sorts of challenges.

I suggest couples counseling. He also has a lot to process - just coming out. Plus, you seem scared voicing your feeling. You two need to learn to communicate, or it won't work.

I suggest couples counseling. He also has a lot to process - just coming out. Plus, you seem scared voicing your feeling. You two need to learn to communicate, or it won't work.

Maybe someday down the road, but it would be jumping the gun now since we haven't discussed our relationship yet.

Why not? It sounds like you are walking on eggshell.

Do you think that this is healthy for you, considering what happened after the break up.

You need to talk to this guy.

No it's not like that... yes we were together a few years ago, but now we're together again so much has changed. We've both grown and changed and so this is almost like a brand new relationship and it doesn't make sense to get so serious so soon. We talk comfortably and communicate well. What I'm trying to figure out isn't how to get over his betrayal or how we become a serious couple, but more like how I overcome my insecurities to help out our new relationship. It's a weird blend of past passion mixed with the newness of the present.