To talk about it or not to talk about it...that is the question

Hello awesome people of enotalone!

So, my female friend, and occasional work mate, may be misinterpreting my "being nice" as something with strings attached. As I understand it, many people act nice to get what they want...I've always just treated her with respect. I've always supported her, as a friend, and I love her dearly, as a friend. She's made some huge changes in her life, freeing herself from various substance, emotional and physical abuse and I'm extremely proud of her. The only thing that's changed between us is she sees me through sober eyes.

We talk freely, we have long hugs and I'd do almost anything for her (within reason, of course). She's never abused our friendship, even when her life decisions were at their worst.

I'm not sure if she's interested in more, or even if I'm interested in more. Perhaps over time as she figures her life out, maybe I'd explore that possibility? She's an amazing person, definitely someone that I want in my life. However, I'm not interested in being her knight in shining armor, nor do I feel like she needs one.

So, my question is, should I talk to her about it? This is the first time in over half her life she's been completely clean and away from abuse. I've been treating her with the same respect as before, but I feel like either I'm making her uncomfortable or unsure of my motives...which have always been honorable. Perhaps maybe I'm be too attentive? Now that she's single, maybe she assuming that I'm trying to get with her? There's been times where I feel like maybe she's open to more...but not sure how or if to approach me. That part is most likely my imagination. My biggest fear is saying or doing something that ruins our friendship. This isn't a conversation that I ever imagined I'd have with her.

Thanks in advance!

Your post doesn't really tell me a whole lot about the situation and I don't know you, but as a woman with a lot of male friends I can tell you threethings:

1. If you see or pick up that she's feeling uncomfortable and her body language says "stop it" then you don't need to talk about it, you need to stop whatever it is you're doing and back up and give her space. I cannot stress that enough. If she's uncomfortable with you, and you're her friend and you're really respecting her, you'll know and understand the smartest thing to do is stop doing whatever it is that's making her uncomfortable.

2. If you are starting to get interested in her romantically, and from your post it's not entirely clear if you are or aren't or are thinking it could head that way, then again if you're her friend you can simply ask her out on a date. And if she says no you gracefully accept that no, tell her that that's fine, and again you back off a bit and let her see through your actions that you are truly okay with that.

3. You need to stop a moment and ask yourself what would be the things that would make the friendship die, truly die. You actually do know what those things are, so stop a moment and really just face that. I can tell you as someone who has had more male friends then female the biggest things that have killed any friendship I ever had, man or woman, was pretty much the same thing--disrespecting me and my boundaries and getting nasty about it was always the final nail in the coffin. Whether it was the guy friend who felt I should sleep with him now that I was single OR it was the female friend who felt I should now loan her my car since I had a good-paying job and could afford one (both happened) the big thing wasn't the circumstances, it was that they were disrespectful to me after wanting something from me that I wasn't willing to give. No, I did not have to sleep with him and no, I did not have to lend a friend who had a drinking problem my car.

Both lost my friendship over that. Not respecting boundaries, having tantrums, getting hateful, thinking and acting like they should have access to something of mine, whether it was my body or my car or my wardrobe or.or.or--those things kill a friendship regardless of what gender each is.

Be a good man, be a good friend, be willing to enjoy the friendship for it's own sake. And if you know that while she's clean she still has some healing and therapy to go to be able to establish clean clear boundaries with people then hold off an anything, just observe her body language and respect it. And you'll be fine.

Completely agree with this. Whatever changes she is going through will affect the relationship dynamic one way or the other. No, do not discuss your "possible" feelings for her. As a good friend, this would be phenomenally confusing right now as she deals with all the changes and challenges of trying to maintain recent sobriety. More importantly, she is nowhere near ready to be in a relationship with anyone at this point.

I'm not interested in being her knight in shining armor, nor do I feel like she needs one.