My mom keeps venting about my dad to me?

It started last year when I returned on a trip and she was going through an infection that she's been fighting for 20 years. My dad left to Utah for a month taking care of a second house we have and didn't go with my mom to California to see a doctor. She has seen doctors in California multiple times in fact a lot and my dad has gone with her a lot of those times as well, but he stopped going due to it being leave to California for a four hour drive in the morning and returning later that night after seeing the doctor. So I tell my mom no matter what she's still got us(including my dad) and she starts crying telling me my dad is a horrible husband and even goes off to tell me he never touches her or anything like that. How he acts like he's not interested and I'm a 21 year old son hearing this random rant for the first time...idk how to handle it so I try to relax her letting her know it's ok. She later will tell me things like "I only stayed with your dad because of you and your brother on another rant." Just stuff like that. Shes told me my dad has cheated on her multiple times after I confronted her of being suspicious on whether she's cheating on my dad. But now it's just random moments like when I brought up our old dog spike and how it would be weird to clone him since we can now do that theoretically speaking for science, but then she goes off on telling me it's my dad's fault he died.

It's moments like that and I'm

Just brushing it off cause my whole life I thought they had the perfect marriage until recently when all this was being told to me. My mom has been struggling with infection for 20 years and it's a lot for her and she's also very self conscious when she doesn't need to be. This is more of a venting then anything it's just hard to hear it and I don't like my dad being in shown in that kind of light, but idk if I should hate my dad for making my mom feel this way or hate my mom for telling me everything like this and constantly trying to belittle him around me. What do you think? I need some advice on how to deal with it. Thank you.

Oh sweetheart, I realyl for you. Try not to hate either of them. No matter what either of them may or may not have done they are both your parents and they both love you. Being cheated on is horrible but your mum chose to stay with your dad and she shouldn't really be laying all mthis at your door.

Relationships can be very complex and there's no knowing what is going on between your mum and dad. At the moment you have only heard one side. I'm not saying that your mum isn't telling the truth but just maybe she only suspects him of cheating. We just don't know. Have you thought about speaking to your dad about this.

(((Hugs)))

Don't hate either of them, which I know is rough.

Your mom sounds like she's very frustrated and worn out and is venting though definitely not the person to be venting too. Does she have any emotional support aside from in the family? Girlfriends etc? I think she's probably just unloading this on you because you were there and she's frustrated, I don't think she's willingly trying to put you against your father. Maybe try talk to her the next time you get the chance and tell her that these conversations make you uncomfortable.

No matter what goes on in their relationship it shouldn't affect your relationship with either of them so try not to think of it as needing to take sides. Sometimes people can have a messed up relationship with each other but I'm sure they both love you and your sibling. Its something they need to work out between them, which is why you should try to remind your mother that it isn't really something you should be put in the middle of.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, its not a good place to be put in the middle like that. Just try to remember that regardless of what happens or has happened they both love you, even if they've made mistakes.

Make sure you have some clear boundaries about not being your mother's therapist or surrogate spouse. Tell her he is your father and the two of them should be talking about this and you can't take sides. You should not be dragged into this. Your mother needs counselling to address her problems, not burdening her kids. Do not continue to let her manipulate you into taking sides against your father.

Fully agree, Wiseman.

Your mother and father need help, OP:

Do not let her cross your personal boundaries. You tell her you don't want to hear it because its your dad she is talking about and then you tell her to speak to a psychiatrist if she needs to vent to a neutral party. You are not neutral.

Do not feel guilty when you tell her this. If she plays on your guilt then exercise your boundaries again and tell her to stop trying to guilt you over her life and what she chose to accept throughout her marriage.

Sorry, wiseman2 I didn't read any of the posts when I posted and it appears that we are basically saying the same thing.

Op: Do what we are saying and DO IT EVERYTIME she tries to put you in the middle. You can reinforce your love for her by prefacing it with a hug and a tone of understanding of how what she has allowed and enabled in her life has made her feel. You might also direct her to books on codependency which will describe the relationship she and your dad have been in. Don't allow/enable her to form a codependent relationship with you. Nip her relying on you to be her shrink in the bud now.