Ending a friendship

Hello! I'd like to see what other people think about the following situation.

I have met my best friend in high school, almost 9 years ago. We developed a great friendship, we shared many things and had a blast in high school. We entered the same college and for a while, we got along great. That was until I got into a relationship and she started to drift apart. I really tried talking to her and I asked her what was wrong and all she said was that she didn't like my attitude. I wanted to know what I did, but she never told me. My guess was that she didn't like the guy I was with.

After I broke up with him, we regained contact and I thought she was so right about him. For almost 3 years after that, our friendship took an amazing turn and we ended up even closer than we were before. Two years ago, I met my now husband. She liked me and him together very much and I was so happy we all got along so well. When I got engaged, she was the right maid of honor in my mind. I asked her if she would be my maid of honor and she readily said yes. 6 months later, wedding preparations were underway and I told her everything that was going down. Slowly, she stopped talking to me so often.

Last summer, I tried calling her for about a week until she picked up the phone. I asked her what was going on, but she only gave evasive answers. I talked to her about it and tried to help her. My wedding was quickly approaching and I started wondering if I was going to have a bachelorette party. My other friends wanted to do it, but she couldn't plan it and couldn't stay out late because she lives very far away. Another friend and I both volunteered she stay at one of our places, though she declined. In the end, I didn't get a party, but I really didn't care too much.

A week before the wedding, she called me and told me that a family member of hers had died and couldn't be my maid of honor. I offered my heartfelt regrets and told her it's no big deal. Another friend of mine got to be my maid of honor in the end. After the wedding, I asked her if she enjoyed it and she said she did. After that, she never spoke to me again. We sent texts to each other on Christmas saying "Merry Christmas" and that's about it.

Also, I should mention she's never had a boyfriend. I mean, she never even went out with a guy. She had crushes on guys who weren't interested and vice versa, but never went out with someone. I see her everyday at college, but we never even say hi anymore. Another friend of mine asked her why she doesn't talk to me anymore and she said she's upset with me because of different reasons, but she didn't exactly say what the matter is.

Pretty honest, I'm kind of tired of her attitude. I don't know what I did wrong and at this point I'm too afraid to ask. I feel like I'm always trying to be her friend, but she dismisses me like I'm a pebble in her shoe. Do you think I have some sort of reason to apologize to her or should I just leave it as it is?

Apologize for what? Based on what you say, she never gave you a reason. She sounds really bad at communication. You cannot be expected to read her mind. Communication is paramount for a healthy friendship, like in any other relationship. You have two choices, depending on how much not knowing what happened bothers you. You can either ask her why she stopped talking to you/is upset with you. (There is no reason to be afraid. It's just a simple question. You just need to phrase it in a non-accusatory way.) Or you can mirror her and carry on with your life without her. Either way, it sounds like you two may have grown toward different directions to the point where you became incompatible. Maybe she feels that your lives/you have become too different . Not necessarily someone's doing. You don't have to pursue this further unless you really need to try for some kind of answer. She was the one who ended the friendship, not you. Either approach would be ok.

Really this one is one of those things where there's nothing you can do. She won't communicate what the problem is and she can't even articulate it to someone else, so the fact is she herself may not even know why she builds up resentments to you or is upset. It could be jealousy, it could be imagined slights that only she sees, it could be something else entirely. And without her communicating about it or even having a willingness to communicate there is nothing you can do.

I would drop the friendship and just let it die. And know that you cannot rely on her in the future, even if she is friendly, because you just never know what will set her off. There's nothing to apologize for though, nothing in your post shows you at fault. Frankly, I'd be just as mystified, but after a time I'd just let things die too.

You can only chase after someone for so long before you have to decide to simply let them go and move on. Move on. Whatever she once was she's a crap friend now. And shame on her for taking on the role of Maid of Honor then kind of sabotaging the party you should have had. I know you didn't push it, it's done, but that's kind of a not cool thing to do. Especially when you and other friends tried to offer solutions.

Sorry, I know it hurts, but as it now stands this woman is no longer your friend through no fault of your own. I would just let it go and ignore her.

True, she may be a bad communicator, but I doubt it's about you. Sounds like her attitude stems from within and whatever problems she's having. I wouldn't necessarily end the friendship, but I would give her space. When she feels better, she'll come around and if she never does, well then the end of her friendship was her decision. In this case, I don't think there's a need to announce an end, per se.

Was it true that she had a family member die? Who was it? Did you go to the funeral? Did you offer to go see a movie with her or something to help take her mind off of it? Does she have a history of depression?

It sounds to me like she is having a rough time transitioning into adulthood. She's never had a relationship. She's no longer the #1 person in your life. She's losing family members instead of gaining more loved ones. I don't think any of it has anything to do with something you've done "wrong" and can apologize for.

You've already tried to directly ask her what's wrong, and she gave you the evasive answers that she wanted to give you. Hounding her for a better explanation won't make her want to be close to you again.

I would not consider a 9 year friendship dead so quickly. It might be difficult to salvage, since she seems like a historically awful communicator, but I don't think having your brain think "NOPE, DONE!" whenever you see her is the way you should be thinking yet. I would focus on enjoying your new marriage (congratulations!), but remain friendly towards her, leaving the door open if she is able / willing to be a better friend to you in the future.

Yes, someone did die in her family and I told her I'm really sorry. Before that person died, I tried giving her some advice, but she wouldn't take it. Anyway, the last time we spoke, she said she wouldn't dance at my wedding since she was in mourning and that she no longer wants to be first place in this wedding. Also, she told my friend who was my maid of honor that she hates weddings and doesn't understand why she has to participate.

I know she was grieving, but I feel like whenever there is a key moment in my life , she isn't there. I tried saving our friendship many times and I always was the one who reached out first. Maybe I am a bad person, but I kind of want to get a little bit of what I am giving. Or maybe all I want to be is done.