[27/m] concerned with wife's (22/f) possible insecurity.

Wife and I met at college almost 3 years ago now and married in August of last year. A constant problem we have had revolves around my reaction and interaction with other women or how my wife perceives these interactions. We have already decided to do marriage counseling but as we look at that I feel it would be good to outside advice. Hopefully I can tell the following events impartially.

My background was that I had gotten out of my first serious relationship a couple months before meeting SO.

SO had never been in a relationship let alone a serious one as this would be.

After meeting I started college full-time and made friends with a female classmate. I have never been too smart when it comes to relationships and have spent a lot of my time as a loner more than anything else. This was an issue because obviously SO saw this as my favoring another woman which could lead to romantic affection. I only saw a classmate that had their stuff together and was reliable when I needed help in my classes. Needless to say this obviously caused a lot of strain and is often brought up as cause for future concern. I am a very committed and monogamous person and did not have any romantic interest here.

Other issues have arose when watching TV shows that might have a bit of sexuality. Often times I am not aware of the sexuality about to come up and that causes strain. Think of watching Game of Thrones with no outside knowledge and when a sex scene happens, That kind of thing where a argument occurs. This is also a repeated cycle where any show we watch must be properly vetted to ensure that not scenes containing T&A show.

Other issues revolve around the way I handle other women speaking to me. Making conversation with a female cashier, in the same way that I would a male cashier, elicits negative responses even if the conversation is impartial or related to task at hand. This even extends to random compliments that I may get in public. Often times I am not aware of the comment until it is brought up and I am asked why I didn't shoot the person down or otherwise act differently; whether I have acted into the compliment or not.

One of the most recent issues revolves around a friend who said that I have manly hands. I didn't even hear this but was asked why I didn't shoot her down. It was requested that whenever a girl say something that SO finds disagreeable that I must make moves to escape the situation. As mentioned above the lion's share of the time I am not even aware of what has been said.

This has also reached out to the purchase of a new truck and reactions that it elicits from females. SO has requested, admitting that she is wrong, that I not talk about the truck around females because they may get excited. Even if the females in question are in committed relationships with mutual friends.

To an even more extreme point if I watch any show without SO it draws a negative reaction as she states that she is worried that I will stop spending time watching shows with her and instead do other things.

Another instance happened when SO was sewing a dress and I made a comment regarding how to better the dress since I was asked my input. It was taken wildly out of context as she perceived I called her fat when I made no mention to anything other than a woman's hourglass figure.

I personally feel trapped because after so many times of being scolded for my actions retroactively I am afraid to do much of anything. If I am alone with free time I mull around reddit and Facebook for fear of enjoying other entertainment that I would not be able to share with her. I try not to keep secrets so if I see a good show I like to talk to her about it. I will purposefully keep conversation to a minimum around other females out of fear that SO will get upset. I do not enjoy driving the truck that I am so proud of to our friends because again, I do not want any negative reactions taking place.

We have tried to talk through this so many times and the same problems keep coming up. I have no issues with her at all beyond the fact that these arguments keep coming up. I feel bad because when she brings these situations up it is my fault for not acting in a desired way yet I have NO way of knowing how to act in the moment. I know SO and I have spoken about her possibly being insecure which has roots in the environment she was raised in and the general response is that she admits to this being a problem. I am then told that I only get a portion of what she wants to say because she stops herself short a lot of the time.

I do not want to place this blame on her and have and will continue to do whatever I can to honor her and our marriage. I try to listen but personally get insulted when I am constantly accused of enjoying random conversation with females. I have changed work schedules, sleep schedule and everything else to cater to her. I constantly text her throughout the day and am emotionally and physically affectionate wherever we are at. I just don't know what else to do beyond the marriage counseling that I mentioned.

I attempted to write this as impartially as possible and I suppose my perspective is that of the puppy who is getting beaten for what he sees as no reason. I am generally absent minded enough as it is and most of what I am accused of it wrong yet I am still guilty of acting in the way that SO perceives and not the way that I actually acted.

tl;dr: Wife and myself are having issues with every other women and how I interact with them. Often times it is brought up that I was flirting or partaking in conversation that I shouldn’t have even when I 1)didn’t even hear what they said or 2)went through grocery line checkout. Wife has a upbringing that would lead to insecurity and has admitted to this but the problem still persists.

Wife and I met at college almost 3 years ago now and married in August of last year. A constant problem we have had revolves around my reaction and interaction with other women or how my wife perceives these interactions. We have already decided to do marriage counseling but as we look at that I feel it would be good to outside advice. Hopefully I can tell the following events impartially.

 

My background was that I had gotten out of my first serious relationship a couple months before meeting SO.

 

SO had never been in a relationship let alone a serious one as this would be.

 

After meeting I started college full-time and made friends with a female classmate. I have never been too smart when it comes to relationships and have spent a lot of my time as a loner more than anything else. This was an issue because obviously SO saw this as my favoring another woman which could lead to romantic affection. I only saw a classmate that had their stuff together and was reliable when I needed help in my classes. Needless to say this obviously caused a lot of strain and is often brought up as cause for future concern. I am a very committed and monogamous person and did not have any romantic interest here.

 

Other issues have arose when watching TV shows that might have a bit of sexuality. Often times I am not aware of the sexuality about to come up and that causes strain. Think of watching Game of Thrones with no outside knowledge and when a sex scene happens, That kind of thing where a argument occurs. This is also a repeated cycle where any show we watch must be properly vetted to ensure that not scenes containing T&A show.

 

Other issues revolve around the way I handle other women speaking to me. Making conversation with a female cashier, in the same way that I would a male cashier, elicits negative responses even if the conversation is impartial or related to task at hand. This even extends to random compliments that I may get in public. Often times I am not aware of the comment until it is brought up and I am asked why I didn't shoot the person down or otherwise act differently; whether I have acted into the compliment or not.

 

One of the most recent issues revolves around a friend who said that I have manly hands. I didn't even hear this but was asked why I didn't shoot her down. It was requested that whenever a girl say something that SO finds disagreeable that I must make moves to escape the situation. As mentioned above the lion's share of the time I am not even aware of what has been said.

 

This has also reached out to the purchase of a new truck and reactions that it elicits from females. SO has requested, admitting that she is wrong, that I not talk about the truck around females because they may get excited. Even if the females in question are in committed relationships with mutual friends.

 

To an even more extreme point if I watch any show without SO it draws a negative reaction as she states that she is worried that I will stop spending time watching shows with her and instead do other things.

 

Another instance happened when SO was sewing a dress and I made a comment regarding how to better the dress since I was asked my input. It was taken wildly out of context as she perceived I called her fat when I made no mention to anything other than a woman's hourglass figure.

 

I personally feel trapped because after so many times of being scolded for my actions retroactively I am afraid to do much of anything. If I am alone with free time I mull around reddit and Facebook for fear of enjoying other entertainment that I would not be able to share with her. I try not to keep secrets so if I see a good show I like to talk to her about it. I will purposefully keep conversation to a minimum around other females out of fear that SO will get upset. I do not enjoy driving the truck that I am so proud of to our friends because again, I do not want any negative reactions taking place.

 

We have tried to talk through this so many times and the same problems keep coming up. I have no issues with her at all beyond the fact that these arguments keep coming up. I feel bad because when she brings these situations up it is my fault for not acting in a desired way yet I have NO way of knowing how to act in the moment. I know SO and I have spoken about her possibly being insecure which has roots in the environment she was raised in and the general response is that she admits to this being a problem. I am then told that I only get a portion of what she wants to say because she stops herself short a lot of the time.

 

I do not want to place this blame on her and have and will continue to do whatever I can to honor her and our marriage. I try to listen but personally get insulted when I am constantly accused of enjoying random conversation with females. I have changed work schedules, sleep schedule and everything else to cater to her. I constantly text her throughout the day and am emotionally and physically affectionate wherever we are at. I just don't know what else to do beyond the marriage counseling that I mentioned.

 

I attempted to write this as impartially as possible and I suppose my perspective is that of the puppy who is getting beaten for what he sees as no reason. I am generally absent minded enough as it is and most of what I am accused of it wrong yet I am still guilty of acting in the way that SO perceives and not the way that I actually acted.

 

tl;dr: Wife and myself are having issues with every other women and how I interact with them. Often times it is brought up that I was flirting or partaking in conversation that I shouldn’t have even when I 1)didn’t even hear what they said or 2)went through grocery line checkout. Wife has a upbringing that would lead to insecurity and has admitted to this but the problem still persists.

wow....her insecurities will end up destroying your marriage, it's plain abuse. I'd understand if you were flirting with these women but random conversation/chit chat... that's crossing the line. The tv thing is down right crazy. Counseling is probably the only thing that could help your marriage at this point. Her issues/ jealousy/ insecurities are something she needs to admit and deal with and as her husband all you can do is support. And even so you shouldn't take the blame, stand up for yourself.. its simply toxic.....this must be so exhausting. Relationships are hard work, inexperience is one thing but her attitude will become more and more abusive if you let it go on. Good luck.

She is definitely out of line with her insecurities, honestly it sounds like she may have borderline personality disorder or something along those lines. I have the disorder myself and although she is totally being unreasonable, I understand how she feels.

Assuming I'm right about the BPD, basically she feels betrayed every time she senses any sort of attraction towards another female. I can almost guarantee you there's a lot of things she's jealous and angry about she hasn't even shared. Facebook? Yup. Reddit? Probably. It's not you, it's her...but it's very, very difficult for her to distinguish when you're actually into someone else/flirting versus having a normal conversation.

I recommend reading about the disorder and maybe asking her if it sounds like something she might be dealing with. If so it's good to identify that now because it will help both of you understand where the other is coming from.

Personally, I can't even IMAGINE being married with the disorder. Relationships, at least for me, are pure hell because of the emotions. I acknowledge that they are irrational and don't want to suffocate someone else with them. For many of us, either dating another BPD (someone who gets it and feels the same sorts of jealousy) or someone who is very, very supportive and understanding are basically the only options.

The only thing that's debatable IMO is the Game of Thrones thing...that show is basically softcore porn. Not saying you don't have a right to watch it, but saying you don't know when the nude scenes will come on/can't control it is a little silly since every episode has nudity for a few solid minutes lol. Obviously, movies and TV shows are going to have nudity period. You cannot predict this every single time and it's not fair of her to expect you to plan your TV watching around it. Game of thrones though? Everyone knows there's going to be nudity on that show. Maybe turn it off when she comes over.

That may not sound fair, but when you date someone like that you're pretty much going to have to make some compromises/cater to her needs a little in order for things to work. She, on the other hand, must do the same - biting her tongue, or learning to express to you in a calm, non-accusatory manner how she is feeling whenever the emotions pop up. Maybe if she stated things in a way such as "I know you love me and do not have ill intentions when you talk to the waitress/cashier/etc. However in this moment I am feeling jealous even if it's irrational." Identifying the emotion and its main cause, then hearing your side of the story (ex: "I am sorry you feel that way babe. Please realize I am not attracted to the waitress/cashier/etc and would have addressed a male in the same manner")

If you really want to stay with this woman it's going to be a lot of work. Her emotional reactions are probably physical as well (heart racing, hands shaking etc...almost like a panic attack)

Not sure if BPD is the real diagnosis but it sounds exactly like me and that's my situation. I do hope this helped

The only thing that's debatable IMO is the Game of Thrones thing...that show is basically softcore porn. Not saying you don't have a right to watch it, but saying you don't know when the nude scenes will come on/can't control it is a little silly since every episode has nudity for a few solid minutes lol. Obviously, movies and TV shows are going to have nudity period. You cannot predict this every single time and it's not fair of her to expect you to plan your TV watching around it. Game of thrones though? Everyone knows there's going to be nudity on that show. Maybe turn it off when she comes over.

That would be enabling her to continue dictating what he should watch and when. That's downright controlling...and assuming you're right and she has borderline personality disorder in no way should he act like what he 's doing is wrong. That's not a comprise that's allowing her to manipulate him. Damn..can't imagine what she'd do to him if she caught him watching porn. Therapy/Counseling pronto IMO.

OP I get it you're committed you're monogamous but you are also human..looking/talking to women without flirting is acceptable. Being friends with a female classmate years ago in college shouldnt be an issue years later in your marriage.

That would be enabling her to continue dictating what he should watch and when. That's downright controlling...and assuming you're right and she has borderline personality disorder in no way should he act like what he 's doing is wrong. That's not a comprise that's allowing her to manipulate him. Damn..can't imagine what she'd do to him if she caught him watching porn. Therapy/Counseling pronto IMO.

My whole point is that she cannot control her panic attacks, they are a physical reaction. I'm guessing you know little about the disorder. If he is not even willing to make the small sacrifice of waiting until she leaves to have other naked chicks on the TV screen KNOWING it's going to trigger an episode, the relationship will not work out period. Obviously this will sometimes happen unexpectedly in movies and such, but Game of Thrones specifically is basically porn with a long plotline. Putting it on is guaranteed to upset her even if she says nothing. Unless he gives no craps at all that she is experiencing extreme pain when this happen, what's the point of putting it on when she's over in the first place? Doesn't sound like she enjoys watching the show anyway, and watching a show only you enjoy when guests are over is rude to begin with. I understand where you're coming from, but dating someone with BPD requires a bit of catering to their needs in ways that outsiders would deem ridiculous. It's not about enabling being dictated - if she specifically tells him not to watch it and he doesn't, that's being dictated. I'm saying that it would benefit him/the relationship in general to hold off on playing the TV show while she's around, at least until this issue is further explored.

The key is knowing where to draw the line. (For example, obviously he has a right to talk to other females, they are everywhere and it is a requirement of life. This is not something that should or even could be held off on in this circumstance). While I see where you're coming from, waiting until she leaves to watch softcore porn (that's what game of thrones essentially is) is not a big deal and not a huge sacrifice. The emotions that she feels while it is happening, especially since its totally preventable, are hell for her.

Also, plenty of people aren't cool with their partners watching porn (not referring to the tv show, just regular porn) regardless of if they have BPD or not. Your opinion is clearly that it should be fine, but that doesn't mean anyone who disagrees with you is wrong.

My whole point is that she cannot control her panic attacks, they are a physical reaction. I'm guessing you know little about the disorder. If he is not even willing to make the small sacrifice of waiting until she leaves to have other naked chicks on the TV screen KNOWING it's going to trigger an episode, the relationship will not work out period. Obviously this will sometimes happen unexpectedly in movies and such, but Game of Thrones specifically is basically porn with a long plotline. Putting it on is guaranteed to upset her even if she says nothing. Unless he gives no craps at all that she is experiencing extreme pain when this happen, what's the point of putting it on when she's over in the first place? Doesn't sound like she enjoys watching the show anyway, and watching a show only you enjoy when guests are over is rude to begin with. I understand where you're coming from, but dating someone with BPD requires a bit of catering to their needs in ways that outsiders would deem ridiculous. It's not about enabling being dictated - if she specifically tells him not to watch it and he doesn't, that's being dictated. I'm saying that it would benefit him/the relationship in general to hold off on playing the TV show while she's around, at least until this issue is further explored.

 

The key is knowing where to draw the line. (For example, obviously he has a right to talk to other females, they are everywhere and it is a requirement of life. This is not something that should or even could be held off on in this circumstance). While I see where you're coming from, waiting until she leaves to watch softcore porn (that's what game of thrones essentially is) is not a big deal and not a huge sacrifice. The emotions that she feels while it is happening, especially since its totally preventable, are hell for her.

 

Also, plenty of people aren't cool with their partners watching porn (not referring to the tv show, just regular porn) regardless of if they have BPD or not. Your opinion is clearly that it should be fine, but that doesn't mean anyone who disagrees with you is wrong.

1- you don't know if she has BPD, you are assuming.

2- my opinion thank you is my opinion and is based on mutual trust and fully understanding and being aware that the porn actress isnt reality but a healthy natural fantasy.

3- He's watching the show, doesn't mean she needs to watch it & sounds like she controls what he watches too if she's giving him a hard time about a television show.

4- relationships are a balance of "compromises " and not simply overlooking someone's controlling nature because they struggle with insecurities thus Counseling.

1- you don't know if she has BPD, you are assuming.

2- my opinion thank you is my opinion and is based on mutual trust and fully understanding and being aware that the porn actress isnt reality but a healthy natural fantasy.

3- He's watching the show, doesn't mean she needs to watch it & sounds like she controls what he watches too if she's giving him a hard time about a television show.

4- relationships are a balance of "compromises " and not simply overlooking someone's controlling nature because they struggle with insecurities thus Counseling.

1- Yes, this is true, as I said in my post. "Assuming she has BPD" if she doesn't then obviously my advice does not apply. However I know a lot about the disorder, and this sounds a lot like it, hence why I responded. If she doesn't have it then cool move on, but maybe she does and for all you know this post helps them both realize it...and realizing you or a loved one has BPD is a life changing realization. If there's even a chance I could help someone figure that out I'm going to period.

2-Cool, it's still an opinion many disagree with. Just because it's yours and you think it's valid doesn't mean the opinion of others who disagree is invalid, thank you. Fantasy in one's head is different than watching porn, it is proven that this affects the male brain in a lot of negative ways overtime, as well as how one views their own partner sexually. I researched this subject extensively for a college class awhile back. But whether or not porn is ok in relationships is a different discussion for a different thread. Many people believe porn is not healthy period regardless of whether or not you are seeing someone

3- If she's at his house to hang out with him, what is she to do while he watches TV? lol...when she leaves different story, but my post is specifically about while she is present. Are you really saying putting on a TV show your gf doesn't want to watch right after she comes over isn't rude? And she should just do something else in the meantime? If that's what you meant to say then wow, guys must love dating you, you let them do literally anything regardless of your own needs/wants

4- Agreed. I'm not saying he should turn the show off because she is telling him not to watch it. I'm saying it would probably benefit the relationship to wait until she leaves to put it on. Not based on what she says she wants him to do, but out of respect for the intensity of a panic attack that could easily be avoided...and the fact she doesn't seem too thrilled by the show in general (correct me if I'm wrong OP, maybe she adores the show)

Before I watched game of thrones, everyone said its just sex and violence and its basically porn. My cousin recommended it though coz I LOVE Lord of the rings and he said it is similar. I just finished watching all five series with my SO and I am more into it than he is. It is very violent with some sex but so what? There is a story to it and it is interesting. We also watch "the affair" which has sex scenes too.

OP this is controlling and abusive. I will admit I hate the thought of my SO looking at porn behind by back or getting off to it but that is as far as my insecurities go. I trust him fully and believe he wouldn't cheat on me. He has the same level of interaction with women as you do and has never given me any reason to doubt him.

This issue is ALL on her and she needs help. You have already suffered a lot with her and I would give her an ultimatum at this point. She needs individual therapy, you will not tolerate this crap any more. Give her 3months in counselling to make some positive changes or you are leaving.

It may sound harsh but you cannot keep enabling this behavior.

Before I watched game of thrones, everyone said its just sex and violence and its basically porn. My cousin recommended it though coz I LOVE Lord of the rings and he said it is similar. I just finished watching all five series with my SO and I am more into it than he is. It is very violent with some sex but so what? There is a story to it and it is interesting. We also watch "the affair" which has sex scenes too.

I'm not at all trying to say game of thrones is a bad show or he shouldn't watch it, my bad if that's how it came across. I was just trying to say small little sacrifices like that may be helpful in the long run if she does in fact have BPD. If not, as I said then ignore my advice.

But OP I do not think you are doing anything wrong in terms of other women

A few things:

1. Dating partner = Significant Others (SO). Married partner = Spouse.

2. Never ever tell people to self-diagnose for a disability. That is extremely dangerous advice to give. I've met people who SD, never seek proper care and resources, and expect people to patronize for their behavior that does not change. The better advice is to refer them to seek a licensed professional who has screening tools and resources on hand person.

3. Meh, Reddit. That place is cancer. Sorrynotsorry.

Her insecurity is her problem. Having platonic, co-worker relationships with members with the opposite sex is healthy. Some careers require you to network with people, especially if you plan to seek a promotion. Her getting in the way of that is a major problem.

Her policing you on what shows you should watch is another serious problem. She is controlling and smothering you. You are a grown adult who can watch whatever you choose. She is a 22 year old still has a lot to learn on being an adult.

I am willing to bet that these problems have persisted way before marriage. Why did you marry her? Most people who marry under 25 have a higher risk of divorcing because many are not fully mature. Based on the description of her behavior, her reactions are extremely juvenile- that is no way for an adult to behave.

If you go to marriage counseling, most are going to tell you both that she needs to straighten up or you both should seek divorce. Personally, she should really seek individual counseling for her insecurity and anxiety since all these problems point to her behavior.

This is a ptoblem. She is insecure and also possessive...controlling.

Omg...not mention having a truck...wow.

No sensual scenes? Better stick to watching Sesame Street or The Weather Channel.

She needs to chat with the couselor on letting go. Has she a strong family? Abandonment?

Thanks. Sorry I didn't get back sooner but the Game Of Thrones was just a place holder for any show that may have random sexuality. Imagine watching an episode of Friends and it just so happens to be where the girls are talking about erogenous zones. Most episodes don't have that level of talk but that one episode would result in a huge argument about me getting off to that type of content.

The reason we got married is because the problem had been resolved for the most part and it wasn't until a month of so ago that a lot of this started to come back. I am not sure if it work stress or some other factor playing in as I know her job has gone from a 40 hour to a 60+hour a week ordeal and I have recently been placed on a 3rd shift rotation. We still make strides to spend time together but I am not sure if this is causing the reoccurrence of issues.

I know in some of our talks we have mentioned that her older sisters and family would compare he against her friends and cousins telling her she wasn't good enough and that she should be better like other girls. I am not sure if this causing it or not.

As to the reason why we married? We see eye to eye on about everything but this problem. Religion, kids, finances, hobbies, etc. The idea of your spouse being your best friend is in full force. We also didn't want to have a big wedding and tend to be home bodies more than anything else, neither of us are partiers and generally are fine spending time with each other.