Complicated Relationship

I split up with my husband over a year ago, I was with him since 15 and am now 28. It was never my attention to be in another relationship for a long time.

About 6 months ago I met someone, he's been separated for 2 years, we decided just to have a casual relationship as we're both recently separated and he's 20 years older than me. However 2 months ago we decided we both wanted more and its become a lot more serious. I'm a little shy around new people but its just starting to blossom and we're finding out about each other and he's so lovely, its all great. My problem is that he still has a very close relationship with his wife. He describes it as a more brother/sister type of relationship and he's been very honest from the start but it is starting to get to me a bit. He's even closer to his mother in law, runs errands for her etc. Today really upset me as its his dads birthday and they're going for lunch: him, his mum and dad, his mother in law and his wife. Am I just being unfair or should I be concerned.

There's also other stuff that I feel I would never dream of discussing this early in a relationship but because of the age feel its needed, ie children.

I just don't know what to do, I feel myself falling head over heels but don't want to be hurt.

Has he mentioned anything about wanting to divorce? Does he live with his wife? Do you plan on divorcing your husband? When my husband and I were separated, my parents took it hard as they really liked my ex. I found out that they would still do things with him even after we divorced. It finally came to an end, but it kind of bugged me. You should just ask your boyfriend what his intentions are for the near future.

Hi JK-

You have many years of experience on me, so I may not be the most qualified person to advise you on this. From my perspective, as I have managed to maintain friendship with all of my ex-GFs, platonic friendship after intimacy is a very healthy thing. In his case, he might still be emotionally invested in this person, more than he knows. It's hard to cut people out of your life when they've stood by you through so much. This is something I trust you already understand.

It is a absolute must that you discuss these important factors such as children, where he sees his ex-wife fitting into his life (and potentially yours). Do you believe that you can be emotionally strong when you're married to this man, and he tells you he's going to have lunch with her? Or when it's his parents birthday, and she & her mother show up too? It sounds like he's an amazing catch, and you are too. I wouldn't be so quick to jump to conclusions since having opposing sex friendships throughout life are essential (in my opinion), but unless there are kids involved, or fiscal ties, spending leisurely time together, outside of the normal once-in-awhile catching up may have a serious impact on your future relationship as jealously & insecurities are emotions that plague us all.

Keep us informed.

Thanks for your comments so far.

I do intend to get divorced after 2 years of separation, me and my husband are not on good terms.

He lives on his own, he bought his wife out and she moved out, they have no children together. She has started a new relationship too and now lives with this person so I know its over however jealously is creeping in a little and I'm not the jealous type. I have plenty of male friends so don't know why this should be any different. At the moment they meet up about once a month for lunch, its not just the two of them, her mum goes along too.

Thanks.

If I could be friends with my ex (in the sense of going out for lunch, a drink, or whatever just to catch up) I would. We were in the position until he got remarried. His wife didn't want him hanging out with me any longer. I understand her point of view, but if she could just understand that I have absolutely zero intentions of getting back together with him. We didn't work out as a married couple, we're way better as friends. I know that my parents would love to spend time with him still, but realize that it's probably not the best idea. If you love him and want this to work, you should trust him and do your best to accept it. I can understand how you feel. There's probably a tinge of doubt wondering if they still have feelings for each other. Perhaps it would make you feel better if he did indeed get divorced.

My aunt still is very much a part of her ex's life. They have two children together, but they're grown up. She was dating someone for a long time and they would double date once in a while (her ex got remarried a while back). Maybe if you were able to meet his ex this would alleviate some of your worries?

Honestly, I think you need to get divorced first before starting to think about a future with someone else. You need some serious time to be single.

If it was brother/sister between them and he is your boyfriend, then he would have no problem to bring you to his dad's birthday as a girlfriend and she would be a sister who should behave like a sister. I would be upset and concerned if I was you. I do not see a future there. I think you are just an "ego booster" for him, and I suspect he may indeed try to cheat on his wife.

Before engaging in a new relationship, you must learn to be happy as a single and when you have learned to do that, it is a good moment to find another single that is happy who may want to engage in a relationship where you both share happiness and grow together and be together thanks to each other in a more mature relationship. Your previous marriage was a "kids relationship" in many ways.

I think your marriage started when you were too young, so it lacked the mature view of an adult. If you are looking for a relationship so you don't feel alone, you are not going to get a healthy relationship. That would be the wrong reason to have a relationship.

I agree with Ms Darcy and Comstar. I am wondering how you just happened to meet someone 20 years your senior with whom to start a relationship with. Most people who embark on rebounds claim they weren't looking for anything "it just happened". Yet it doesn't just happen, people who are fresh out of a relationship and find themself in a new one have typically actively looked for someone else to date. Plenty of guys my age want to re-live their youth and want to feel like they still "have it" so they go after someone much younger. This guy is not even divorced and still hangs out with his ex-wife and her family. The fact that you, his gf, is not invited to his father's lunch, is very disturbing. Does his wife, her parents, and his father know he is in a relationship with you?

You should take a step back and continue this as a casual relationship. You already see first hand how making the relationship more serious at this point is causing you internal complications. If both of you are in the early stages of separation/divorce then there is no reason to rush this at all. If the two of you are meant to be, you will be in due time.