How do I become a functioning, self-confident human being?

I don't know what to do. Literally: I don't know what to do.

After five years of doing nothing, crippled by my depression and anxiety, I returned to school last August. When I felt my anxiety, loneliness, and feelings of worthlessness start to overwhelm me, as they did five years ago when I dropped out, I went to my university's counseling services. I started seeing a counselor there about once a week.

But mostly, it's hard for me to talk about specifically what my problems are. I can cite symptoms: my anxieties around crowds, girls I might want to talk to, looking for a job; my constant feelings of worthlessness and guilt about being a 25-year-old adult who still lives with his parents, fully dependent.

I am a lifetime behind my friends who are my age. I don't know how to do any of the things they do. I just don't. Sometimes I suspect it's because I grew up very sheltered and overprotected. I am scared of the world. I don't know how to do anything.

A few weeks ago I went to see my counselor at the university for one of our sessions. I told her I hadn't made much progress; I was still looking for a job and so forth. She proceeded to launch into a stream of criticisms about how I hadn't done this or that. Eventually I got tired of hearing it (I already have constant self-criticisms playing in my head) and got up and left her office. I haven't been back for another session since.

I was embarrassed and ashamed. I always am. I'm tired of being afraid all the time. Afraid of the world, of people, of everything. I'm tired of not knowing how to do the most basic things of living a competent life, and the fear and shame that comes with not knowing. I'm tired, but I don't know what to do or how to do it.

You have to create a structured way to reach your goals. If you want a job, set aside an hour a day to search for jobs. Actively partake in improving your life. There are no magic words I can say.

I will say however that I screwed up my first several years of college and felt old around all the freshmen and felt like I wasted my life - but when you get the degree you are out of there and age really doesn't matter that much. What matters is that you get the job done.

There is nothing wrong with you, just your attitude. I know it's hard to change, we are all works in progress.

Why don't you try making some friends at school, talking to strangers, and other things that put you out of your comfort zone? You will realize the world is not as scary as you once thought.

She proceeded to launch into a stream of criticisms about how I hadn't done this or that. Eventually I got tired of hearing it (I already have constant self-criticisms playing in my head) and got up and left her office. I haven't been back for another session since.

Is she the same counsellor that you saw before you dropped out? Maybe it's time to find a new one, who you can start afresh with and help build a plan with moving forward with your goals. Does your local hospital have a psychological services department where you could be added to the waiting list for free sessions? Or request a different counsellor through your University health service?

You say you're tired of feeling afraid all the time. Recognise that this means that deep down you want to take action, and are capable of it. I am 23 and have only recently realised that anger and frustration itself can be a source of energy to move forward. It will take a matter of time and concentration to understand how and where to channel this energy.

"How do I become a functioning, self-confident human being?"

By taking baby steps. If you are still living at home with parents, perhaps they can be the first source of advice. Can you offer to cook for them, do the chores, do errands for them? If you don't know how to do some of them, ask, then tell them that they can have a couple of afternoons or evenings off while you take care of it!

Trying to find a job, especially part time work at university, can feel like hitting a brick wall. I've been there. Can you find short periods of employment (eg if shops need extra staff over the Christmas period) or volunteer for a little while? That means if it all goes terribly wrong, you can put it down to experience and be spurred on to find something better the next time.

Best of luck and keep at it, John

you're still alive bro...nothing is impossible if you want to do it, don't worry about what others would say...everyone in this world has a purpose, I am sure you'll find yours...you probably can start by doing volunteer work around campus, church or even your local community...

Hope this helps

sorry double post

Hey John!

I know it's tough when some people THINK you can't do things. Prove them wrong by accomplishing your goals and bringing glory to your name for smearing it with negativity.

What helped me was creating a list of my goals and dreams. Even if it may be too high or too low, they're my goals to me. If I don't accomplish, I'll keep trying. Who says you have to quit? No one. There's no sign that will say GAME OVER. So keep trying.

When someone puts you down, don't have them around much in your life. Once in a while is good enough for company.

For talking other people and the crowd, I recommend joining an acting group, or improv. Get out there. Every friendship and every relationship starts from a simple conversation.

If someone rejects you, you have to think you have 6.9 other billion people to meet.

For positivity in your life, put what you want to achieve in your life in your wallet. I know it's stupid but it helps you to stay motivated.

On the mirror, write down what you like about yourself. It takes your mind off what people say about you.

I hope this helps. Good luck! I believe you can do these things by yourself and show people you deserve their respect and to be heard. You don't have to tell them, just show through your actions.

That's what I have been doing to my family, friends, and my ex. I command respect, never demand respect.

You have to get into the mindset that you know who you are, what you are, and what you can do.

Again, Good luck!

More or less it's been all said. It's about mind set.

Imagine who you want to be one day, the ultimate you. Don't be shy dreaming big!.. Then remember that illusion and start changing your life towards it. From who you are right now, to who you want to be one day. Once you get there it's just rock'n'roll.

Thank you all for your kind responses. I know I have a lot of work to do. I've always been a slave to fear, which keeps me from learning what I need to learn, which creates more fear, which keeps me from learning, and so on and so forth in an endless cycle which has controlled my life for a long time.

Is she the same counsellor that you saw before you dropped out?

No. I didn't have a counselor when I was first in college. After returning to college this fall, I decided that I should get one. But maybe it's not working out as well as I'd hoped.

sorry I somehow misread your original post and thought you were reinitiating sessions. I think I understand now that you must have explained to her in one of the first sessions that you were looking for work, and maybe you had thought up a plan as to how to go about it, then at your next seesion you admitted the plan had not gone as well as hoped then she launched into criticisms.

This may be her certain style of coaching, ie giving her clients a list of things to improve on for next time. However this is only making you focus on your 'failings' rather than your potential. Looking back, I really don't think that I 'clicked' with my first counsellor, or got all that I needed out of the sessions. 6 years later I am trying counselling again with a new service/practitioner and feel much more in control. So, try to see whether it's a mismatch of styles before you write off counselling completely.

If you decide to end this type of therapy, then this is not another failing, for you have moved forward in learning what works for you and what does not.