Caught Webcam/cyber and boot fetish

Hi everyone.

I have met a man I care very much about via onine dating. We have not been dating a very long time but he is a great man who is very caring and fun. We have similar goal, interests and hobbies and most importantly he makes me feel amazing, supported,beautiful and that i am the only girl in the world when I am with him. He has met my family and i have met a bunch of his.

I recently came accross that he had been having kinky cyber webcam chats with random girls online via random fake profiles when we would spend nights or days apart. These were a very repetative pattern or style of chat involving him asking the girl about wearing boots. It seems he would then get naked on webcam with them and i think sometimes watch them too.

He had already mentioned to me that he enjoyed boots as part of a sexual experience and I was not against the idea of mixing it in.. "once in awhile". We have had issues with sex in terms of him not being able to be fully hard or lasting very long. I assume it is related to this concept, although he states that with new partners he is sometimes nervous but it will go away. He stated that wearing boots etc are not required but are a 'fun exciting thing to have mixed in once in awhile'.

When i confronted him on the cybercheating he was extreamly embarassed, apologetic, and perhaps dare I say.. almost relieved that he had been "caught". He said that he knew this was an "addiction" or problem (his words) and that he knew it was something he did not want to continue in a happy healthy relationship moving ahead. He mentioned that he had done this type of behaviour for years, regardless of having a partner or not. He also mentioned that none of his exs had ever caught him or knew about the behaviours. He said he would not do it anymore and removed all the profiles/emails etc in front of me to show he was serious about it. He has no porn and hasnt looked at any kind of porn on the computer. He said it is "fake and staged and doesnt do it for him"

I understand people are not perfect and accepted this was just one of those newish relationship things that i would watch but it should just kinda go away... and we sent a wonderful weekend together. When we had a night apart, and i spoke to him on the phone, the first words out of his mouth were something to the effect of "this is normally a night where i would do those things and i wanted you to know i havent done it".

Although this seems like a positive thing, i saw this as negative and was devistated that after spending an entire weekend with me, within a few hours of seperation he already thought about returning to this style of behaviour. I then proceeded to spend several hours online researching Sex addiction, Fetishs and so forth to try and educate myself better on what i was dealing with.

Reading these sex addict articles and websites probably did not help and freaked me out more making me think that he has some serious mental illness or disorder and that i will never be able to have a normal type of sex life or relationship.

We have talked a lot about this since it happened and he has agreeded to go to some kind of councilling, but wishes to "try things out on his own first".

I am hurt, feel betrayed, have some trust issues towards him and am concerned on him lapsing and having repeat behaviours. He has told me to freely check up on him online if it will make me comfortable or that he will talk about whatever i need to to work through this with me. He wants to make it work.

As origionally stated we have not been dating very long and a portion of me feels that i should just get out now before i get more emotionally invested. Another portion of me feels that this is a great man who besides this sexual concern would make me very happy. He has shown that he wishes to work on things and is ok talkign to me about it, even though he is embarasssed and doesnt really know answers to my questions sometims, i know and can see he is trying. Part of me feels this is simply all surrounding the boot fetish as thats what the chats all discussed and that he has probably had issues getting this specific satisfcation from other partners. I think all relationships take work and you cant expect someone to be perfect, but what issues should be dealt with on ones own... or what issues are things you should have a partner stand by you for?

I found this forum and thought it wouldnt hurt to hear other peoples opnions or if they have expereinced something similar. I know all people are different but i am most curious about how 'serious' a problem this is. Many sex addict information websites state much more serious issues(real life cheating/dual lives/porn addictions/finacial troubles for sex payments) but that cyberwebcam stuff is generally where these things start and will escalate moving ahead if not treated.

I think i ranted long enough. Thank you for reading and i look forward to some peoples thoughts.

have you read anything by Dan Savage? he is a sex advice columnist. I think he would tell you to indulge his kinks by wearing your high boots to bed. but he should also be indulging you in normal 'vanilla sex.' foot and shoe fetishes are a very common thing. i don't know - i think if you two are both open and honest with each other maybe you can make this work?

The problem with people who have these kinds of behaviours is that they might be able to stop for a short time but they usually go back to it. If he was doing this while the relationship was still new, he might stop for a period of time now that he has been caught, but over time he will probably go back to it. Even if you pranced around with your boots and had sex to the song "These boots are made for walking" by Nancy Sinatra, it might satisfy him for a period of time but then he will be right back on the internet looking for variety.

have you read anything by Dan Savage? he is a sex advice columnist. I think he would tell you to indulge his kinks by wearing your high boots to bed. but he should also be indulging you in normal 'vanilla sex.' foot and shoe fetishes are a very common thing. i don't know - i think if you two are both open and honest with each other maybe you can make this work?

I was actually think of Dan Savage's column when I read this! He specialises in dealing with unusual sexual problems, it's an interesting column to read and I'd recommend it. His type of advice would say there does need to be give and take and that you should wear boots to bed occasionally but he has to be willing to give you the 'standard' sex you desire, and if one party does not provide for the other it becomes unbalanced. What he also should understand is that there are some people who are totally anti-fetish and that to find someone who not only accepts but will participate in his fetish may be a minority, and if he realises that he may appreciate you more.

You thinking that it's mental illness speaks volumes about your very conservative views on sexuality in general. Which is kinda sad and funny at the same time.

Perhaps you need to reread my post. At no point did i say i was anti boots or unwilling to try things. There were two very key elements in my post... one about cheating and the nature of it and one about boot fetish.

The fact this man KNEW how I felt about dating sites/profiles/and webcam chats with others as we discussed being exclusive and what that meant a long time ago...and he did it ANYWAY is where the problem lies for me.

He shows several of the 'signs' of someone who had a sex addiction.

Generally, a person with a sex addiction gains little satisfaction from the sexual activity and forms no emotional bond with his or her sex partners. In addition, the problem of sex addiction often leads to feelings of guilt and shame. A sex addict also feels a lack of control over the behavior, despite negative consequences (financial, health, social, and emotional).

Someone who is disagonosed sexual addiction does indeed have a mental illness that needs to be treated with years of therapy and support groups. I am not using deragatory terms or insults, but talking about a real mental illness.

What my post was hoping to find out, is anyone who is expereienced with sexual addiction and if these sound like typical symptoms or is it just in fact a simple innocent foot fetish and he has been using the webcam as a vechile for expereincing it.

Thanks to all who have responded. I am familiar with dan savage and read this line today which I thought to be quite fitting.

"There is a Karmic Rule of Kink (KROK), and it goes something like this: "Dump the honest foot fetishist and you will marry the dishonest necrophiliac." Break up with a guy over his relatively tame fetish — and a foot fetish is about as tame as they get — and KROK will make sure your next boyfriend is some lying corpsef****r who tells you only what you want to hear. ("Honestly, honey, I only like live girls!") Only after you've married the corpsef***r and had a few kids — once extricating yourself from the marriage becomes a hugely complicated ordeal — will he ask you to lie in a tub of ice until you're good and cold. And when you're lying in that tub of ice — and odds are you will, because you won't want to put your poor kids through a divorce — you'll remember that sweet, harmless foot fetishist whose heart you broke back in college, the man you could have married. "

I just don' see the big "OMG" factor with people that have kinks. I am very attractive and have had no problems with it at all. I think it's all about how you present it to the person. And if the vibe is totally honest. To be honest, why wouldn't women want to be with someone that loved them in many different ways penetrative sex or otherwise.

Speaking as a lifestyle fetishist, I just do not see the correlation of any "downsides" of most cute cuddly kinks if your being honest with each other. If your not down... cool. But seriously, I would never "settle" with anyone just to feel accepted or subvert and push inside what I really like as far as intimacy. Not all of the time, of course. There are obsessive fetishists and fetishists who don't even know they are fetishists, although they have an idea. Whether or not they admit it and face it, that is another thing. But any responsible person, regardless would try to make the other one happy anyway naturally. Lol, love, true love is an infinite series of doing for the other before yourself.

Well apologies if I was harsh. Misinformation is just a pet peeve of mine.

Best of luck, girl!

I think you're missing the point a bit. Her issue is not so much specifically with his kinks, but the way he has gone about indulging: engaging with other women online in sexual acts. Really I think he brought it on himself making such a big deal about it when he called her just to say he wasn't online chatting to other women. There is not enough details in the OP to say he has sex addiction though.

However I see two possible issues:

1. He feels shame about his fetish and lied about only needing boots on a occasional basis to "mix it up", so engages with this other women so he can indulge his fetish. The solution is simply to be more receptive to his desires. If his performance anxieties are related that should naturally work itself out as well. There happens to be a Dan Savage article on this point as well in reference to a guy with a sneaker fetish.

link removed

2. The other possible issue is he has a thing specifically for cypersex with anonymous women. This is not so simple, I suppose unless you role-play with him.

Either way he believes what he has done is wrong, or at least knows that you think it is wrong. Ask him to explain to you in his own words why he think it is wrong.

Rangafro

The dan savage link is... VERY fitting.... thank you so much for providing it. It makes me feel much better about the issue especially cause it included cyber stuff as well.

I initially had a very emotional and negative response to the situation... and i think that has effected my relationship, perhaps irrecoverably. He is pretty reserved, shut off and pulled back since all this occurred which I find to be frustrating since I am doing my best to be understanding and work through it, even if my initial reaction was one of anger and "whats wrong with you"...

I then experience feelings of anger for .. if I'm trying to work on this how DARE you be mad at me when YOUR the one who lied and did the unethical behaviors.

I really want to work on this and make it work but fear that perhaps there is not eleven years of marriage to get through this type of issue. Thanks again everyone for your thoughts... what a great site to help with tough issues.