newgal Posted April 20, 2010 Share Posted April 20, 2010 Hi everyone. I have met a man I care very much about via onine dating. We have not been dating a very long time but he is a great man who is very caring and fun. We have similar goal, interests and hobbies and most importantly he makes me feel amazing, supported,beautiful and that i am the only girl in the world when I am with him. He has met my family and i have met a bunch of his. I recently came accross that he had been having kinky cyber webcam chats with random girls online via random fake profiles when we would spend nights or days apart. These were a very repetative pattern or style of chat involving him asking the girl about wearing boots. It seems he would then get naked on webcam with them and i think sometimes watch them too. He had already mentioned to me that he enjoyed boots as part of a sexual experience and I was not against the idea of mixing it in.. "once in awhile". We have had issues with sex in terms of him not being able to be fully hard or lasting very long. I assume it is related to this concept, although he states that with new partners he is sometimes nervous but it will go away. He stated that wearing boots etc are not required but are a 'fun exciting thing to have mixed in once in awhile'. When i confronted him on the cybercheating he was extreamly embarassed, apologetic, and perhaps dare I say.. almost relieved that he had been "caught". He said that he knew this was an "addiction" or problem (his words) and that he knew it was something he did not want to continue in a happy healthy relationship moving ahead. He mentioned that he had done this type of behaviour for years, regardless of having a partner or not. He also mentioned that none of his exs had ever caught him or knew about the behaviours. He said he would not do it anymore and removed all the profiles/emails etc in front of me to show he was serious about it. He has no porn and hasnt looked at any kind of porn on the computer. He said it is "fake and staged and doesnt do it for him" I understand people are not perfect and accepted this was just one of those newish relationship things that i would watch but it should just kinda go away... and we sent a wonderful weekend together. When we had a night apart, and i spoke to him on the phone, the first words out of his mouth were something to the effect of "this is normally a night where i would do those things and i wanted you to know i havent done it". Although this seems like a positive thing, i saw this as negative and was devistated that after spending an entire weekend with me, within a few hours of seperation he already thought about returning to this style of behaviour. I then proceeded to spend several hours online researching Sex addiction, Fetishs and so forth to try and educate myself better on what i was dealing with. Reading these sex addict articles and websites probably did not help and freaked me out more making me think that he has some serious mental illness or disorder and that i will never be able to have a normal type of sex life or relationship. We have talked a lot about this since it happened and he has agreeded to go to some kind of councilling, but wishes to "try things out on his own first". I am hurt, feel betrayed, have some trust issues towards him and am concerned on him lapsing and having repeat behaviours. He has told me to freely check up on him online if it will make me comfortable or that he will talk about whatever i need to to work through this with me. He wants to make it work. As origionally stated we have not been dating very long and a portion of me feels that i should just get out now before i get more emotionally invested. Another portion of me feels that this is a great man who besides this sexual concern would make me very happy. He has shown that he wishes to work on things and is ok talkign to me about it, even though he is embarasssed and doesnt really know answers to my questions sometims, i know and can see he is trying. Part of me feels this is simply all surrounding the boot fetish as thats what the chats all discussed and that he has probably had issues getting this specific satisfcation from other partners. I think all relationships take work and you cant expect someone to be perfect, but what issues should be dealt with on ones own... or what issues are things you should have a partner stand by you for? I found this forum and thought it wouldnt hurt to hear other peoples opnions or if they have expereinced something similar. I know all people are different but i am most curious about how 'serious' a problem this is. Many sex addict information websites state much more serious issues(real life cheating/dual lives/porn addictions/finacial troubles for sex payments) but that cyberwebcam stuff is generally where these things start and will escalate moving ahead if not treated. I think i ranted long enough. Thank you for reading and i look forward to some peoples thoughts. Link to comment
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