People Tell Me It's Rape. I Don't Know What To Think.

I'm an 18-year-old college freshman.

People tell me what happened was rape, but I don't know. I'm scared and I feel more violated than I ever have in my entire life. I have the support of my friends, but a lot of people who I thought were friends are acting as though it was partly my fault. My family and closest friends tell me it wasn't, but I'm not so sure.

I was at a party on Saturday night, a frat party really. It was BYOB, so I hope the frat will not get in trouble if I do bring it to the surface.

I came with a friend of mine and I drank heavily during the night and proceeded to get drunker than I ever had before in my entire life. I say this because I vomited twice, and I have never vomited in public before. I could always of controlled it until I made it to a restroom.

The guy (I'm calling him Steve for now) was an aquaintence of mine who came to the party later, after he had gotten off work. I was pretty intoxicated by the time he came, and it was only about an hour or two later until I began vomiting. (Steve had little to nothing to drink that night) He rubbed my back the entire time and stayed by my side throughout the process, so when he said that I should go back to his house instead of going back to campus (he didn't think I could've made it back) I remember agreeing.

After someone from the party (a designated driver) dropped us back he led me upstairs and I flopped down on his bed. He left for some amount of time (I suspect maybe ten minutes, I heard later that he was telling his roommates that I was there) and came back and laid down beside me. He started to get close and touchy with me, caressing and touching, and I remember I was so intoxicated I couldn't move for a whole five to seven minutes. I remember this scared me.

He never asked for consent. I don't remember giving a yes or a no, but my body responded to him as much as it could while being that intoxicated. I heard that he "thought I was coherent" because I was "able to switch positions." To the best of my knowledge he was practically dragging me up and down to the different positions.

The next morning I woke up, saw his naked body next to him, realized what I done and was horrified. I tugged on my clothes, fled the house, and ended up just walking back to campus.

I haven't officially come forward with it yet, but I had blood drawn today to check for STIs. It was a base test, I guess, to check if I had any current diseases. I know I don't. I don't know what I'll do if I have an STI.

I don't know what to think. Was it rape? I responded to his administrations, that I know, so do I even have a RIGHT to call it rape?

Yes it was rape

sounds like rape...

I think you gave him in your drunken state all the indications of wanting to have sex with him if not no clear indication that you did not want to have sex. I think you are just overreacting. After all it wasn't like he had sex with you at knife point.

I think you gave him in your drunken state all the indications of wanting to have sex with him if not no clear indication that you did not want to have sex. I think you are just overreacting. After all it wasn't like he had sex with you at knife point.

If sex was on her mind.. then yes.. she told him and doesnt remember...

but if she went there to pass out.. and didnt want to have sex... then he took advantge of her being drunk.. and had sex with her half awake body...

I think you gave him in your drunken state all the indications of wanting to have sex with him if not no clear indication that you did not want to have sex. I think you are just overreacting. After all it wasn't like he had sex with you at knife point.

He took advantage of her while she was very drunk. That IS rape. By law any consent given while drunk is not consent.

After all, its not like she was puking twice that night. As he soberly took her home and she proceeded to PASS OUT on his bed, he knew exactly what his intentions were. Guys like you, get beat up around here. Try "wooing" a sober girl to sleep with you, instead of incoherent one.

At knife point? So I suppose, it's only rape if you have a knife, or gun to your head. You're a buster.

Yes, it was rape. Report it, or at least let other girls in the circle know, not to hang out with this fool.

This guy knew EXACTLY what he was doing. By law you cannot consent while drunk. It gets hairy when both parties were drunk, but he was stone cold sober. It's up to you whether or not you press charges. Pressing charges is a serious deal, and no one can tell you to do it. It will be very difficult emotionally, and if there is a trial that could also be extremely difficult for you.

I believe you can have a "rape kit" done regardless of whether or not you intend to press charges. That way you will have gathered all of the evidence you can, should you choose to go forward and report it.

I talked to the Dean of Student Affairs today. She told me that they can handle it through administration and it doesn't have to go to the student court.

(I'm keeping it to the student court, not the criminal court if I do decide to come forward)

If he admits he violated the school's code of conduct then they can handle it right then and there. She kept asking me what I wanted to see out of it. If I do come forward I want the administration to determine the correct form of action, because everyone's telling me I'm pitying him too much.

If I come forward that's what I'll do. I haven't spoken to a counselor yet, though, so everything's still up in arms.

And thank you for all your advice so far everyone, I do appreciate it. Even Rammspieler's, I need every viewpoint I can get so I can try and make a level-headed choice.

If sex was on her mind.. then yes.. she told him and doesnt remember...

 

but if she went there to pass out.. and didnt want to have sex... then he took advantge of her being drunk.. and had sex with her half awake body...

But that's the point. She neither said yes or no and he could of have interpreted whatever she did in her drunken state as a go ahead.

And this is why America has the largest prison population in the world. When things that started out as misunderstandings and nobody gets hurt are blown out of proportion and a stupid but nevertheless innocent man ends up going to jail because someone else wasn't able to give a clear "no".

I believe you were raped too. I dont like the way this guy works by they way you were describing the situation but next time you must be more careful.Dont set yourself up or put your self in bad situations.

But that's the point. She neither said yes or no and he could of have interpreted whatever she did in her drunken state as a go ahead.

 

And this is why America has the largest prison population in the world. When things that started out as misunderstandings and nobody gets hurt are blown out of proportion and a stupid but nevertheless innocent man ends up going to jail because someone else wasn't able to give a clear "no".

A man that preys on drunken women for a quick "lay"... they are scum.

After all, its not like she was puking twice that night. As he soberly took her home and she proceeded to PASS OUT on his bed, he knew exactly what his intentions were. Guys like you, get beat up around here. Try "wooing" a sober girl to sleep with you, instead of incoherent one.

 

At knife point? So I suppose, it's only rape if you have a knife, or gun to your head. You're a buster.

 

Yes, it was rape. Report it, or at least let other girls in the circle know, not to hang out with this fool.

It's only rape when the victim says "no" but the rapist keeps on going.

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But that's the point. She neither said yes or no and he could of have interpreted whatever she did in her drunken state as a go ahead.

 

And this is why America has the largest prison population in the world. When things that started out as misunderstandings and nobody gets hurt are blown out of proportion and a stupid but nevertheless innocent man ends up going to jail because someone else wasn't able to give a clear "no".

You wrote that you feel violated, more than in your life. I think it would be best for you to process that emotion a bit - definitely with a counselor! Ultimately the desired end product is for you to regain your own personal integrity (awk phrase, sorry). Whatever you need to do that - and listen to yourself for that - should be what you do next. Reporting him may be one way that helps you, or it might not. I would caution that I've heard it can be extremely painful for victims to have to face their offender, and then as is often the case, be told that they gave implied consent, that their past sexual conduct shows that this is part of a pattern and that they are making it up ... Rape is very hard to deal with - even some of your friends are implicating you. Then you have to weigh that against the fact that he really should be punished - he was breaking the law and he most definitely knew it.

This is so jumbled, I'm sorry. I would really speak with a counselor so you can sort out your feelings. I would stay away from the student court/administration personally, because it is likely to be less professional, and I would not want students evaluating the merits of my claim.

Good luck! Hugs !

A man that preys on drunken women for a quick "lay"... they are scum.

Then she should of have said "No".

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And this is why I wont sleep with girls who have been drinking heavily because I dont want to end up in a situation where its not a clear yes or no situation. I will pass.

Then you are clearly an intelligent individual. I mean it.

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But that's the point. She neither said yes or no and he could of have interpreted whatever she did in her drunken state as a go ahead.

FYI, you cannot give consent if you are intoxicated. So it doesn't matter what she said. The bigger problem is the overall picture:

- girl gets very very drunk

- guy zeroes in on her

- guy helps her out while she is vomiting

- guy convinces her to go to his house because it's closer, she says yes because all she can think about is how she wants to pass out

- get there, she tries to sleep, etc ...

Might I add to this - the girl has shown NO romantic interest in this guy at all, nothing to indicate that she is coming to the house for sex.

What the right thing to do was blatantly obvious - and it's blatantly obvious that this guy set her up to take advantage of her. I guess the word rape is scary, but I believe this qualifies as rape - and not one of those ambiguous cases where he wasn't quite sure because she didn't say no.

Then she should of have said "No".

 

 

 

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What about when a person is to drunk to say anything, much less say no?

But that's the point. She neither said yes or no and he could of have interpreted whatever she did in her drunken state as a go ahead.

 

And this is why America has the largest prison population in the world. When things that started out as misunderstandings and nobody gets hurt are blown out of proportion and a stupid but nevertheless innocent man ends up going to jail because someone else wasn't able to give a clear "no".

dude.. thats not the point.. if a girl was drunk and laying in my bed past out and didnt know what she was doing.. i wouldnt take advantge of her and have sex with her...

even if i asked her do you wanna have sex and she mumbeled yes.. i still would have respect for her.. and not have sex with her... i would go eat some food and pass out... thats just me i am not a douche bag and a loser...

Ramm, is it safe to say, this is the way you too, get laid?

I've been completely smashed before, and unable to say no things like "You hungry" "Want some water" "Need a pillow". No one ran out, to get my food, water, and a pillow..get it?

I could "understand" if they were BOTH drunk. But being he knew her state of mind, and was clearly not drunk, instead bragging to his buddies how he has some drunk chick in his room, proves he did indeed, rape her.

Suppose you'd stand by your "she didn't say no" statement, if a man molests/rapes a child too?

Ramm, is it safe to say, this is the way you too, get laid?

 

I've been completely smashed before, and unable to say no things like "You hungry" "Want some water" "Need a pillow". No one ran out, to get my food, water, and a pillow..get it?

Yes. Exactly.

I want to participate constructively in this discussion but I find myself at a loss for what to say. True, he didn't ask if it was alright and I didn't say no to him... but I'm 100% positive I would've never had sex with him if I were in the right state of mind.

I had the law recited to me several times, so I know in the eyes of the law it doesn't matter what you say... when someone is that intoxicated they're considered to have the brain capacity of a child... and raping children is a no no.

Despite knowing the law I'm trying to verify if I have the right to call it rape. Morally I mean. I'm still trying to get over that "R" word. It's never happened to me or anyone around me before, so I'm trying to deal with it as rationally as I can without breaking down into a blubbering mess.

Oh honey! I have to say I feel very protective of you because I am in charge of a group of college freshmen, and a girl in my group last year had a similar issue.

Why do you think you need our opinion on whether or not it was rape? Your feelings - disgust, anger, confusion, feeling violated - are ALL legitimate. You don't need a label as justification for what you're feeling, and anyone who tries to minimize your feelings right now is not your friend. The legal definition of rape matters very much if this case goes to trial. But for now, you need support. Your feelings are ABSOLUTELY legitimate. The fact is: a guy did a bad thing to you, and knew he was doing it. And the bad thing happened to you.

I would really encourage you to go see a counselor. She will understand what most of us, and most of your friends probably can't understand. And it's ok to be a blubbering mess. Do your thing and do what you have to do to process this yourself. Take a break from the legal - get better first.