"I think we should be friends."

So, I guess it's done. New boyfriend of 2 and a halfish months told me yesterday he thought we should be friends. It was weird, he invited me over, cooked dinner for me, took me to a movie and then when we got back to his place there was a weird moment of silence and he told me.

I'm not completely surprised I guess. I mean we've had a lot of dicussions about this lately. How he felt that things moved too quickly, how he didn't feel like he knew me as well as he should by this point, how we got along great, but it just wasn't an "intense" relationship. About a week ago, I noticed something was off with him, so I mentioned it and he said he thought we should "slow down", meaning no more sex and just spend time together to get to know each other. I asked him then if he thought we should take some time apart and think about it. Or at least lose the exclusitivity, he said no to both. So I don't know.

So last night after saying his piece, he said we got along so well and had so much in common, that he wanted to stay friends and still hang out. And that maybe something could happen between us in the future. He asked me what I thought and I told him, that I felt like I was the type of person who let things happen, a "wait and see" type and that I thought it would have worked itself out eventually. But that, from my observation, he wasn't like that. He was the type of person who wanted to plan and discuss and keep tabs on things in a relationship. That we were just different. He wanted me to stay there for awhile and watch tv with him and talk, but after getting dumped, I really just wanted to get out of there. So I went home and didn't log on to AIM(we had been talking on AIM every day since we met, so about 3 months). I went to bed soon after.

My question is, how do I proceed. In my rejection, I'm tempted to just cut all contact with him. It wouldn't even be that difficult, there weren't strong feelings involved--it was a new relationship. However, I know that if I log back onto AIM, he'll contact me and want to talk about this friends thing or more about what happened, blah blah blah. He's a reallly nice guy and as much as I'd like to be his friend, wouldn't this just be weird?? I mean I liked the guy and I thought there was potential, but if he doesn't feel the same, shouldn't that just be it? Advice?

I'm really sorry that youre going through this. And Im really the last person to offer any decent advice.

All I can tell you from reading 24/7 on breakups these last few weeks is that there are basically 2 schools of thought.

1) The "experts" tell you to say "NO we cant be friends." You dont want to be just his friend. You want to be his exclusive romantic girlfriend. It's an all-or-nothing proposition. If you're not good enough to be his girlfriend then youre not interested in being just friends. You already have more friends than you need and youre looking for a relationship. Not more friends. Sometimes months later they may realize what they lost and beg you to reconsider.

2) You can be "just friends" but it's difficult if you still have any romantic feelings towards him. A lot of people, myself included, would accept "just friends" because our real motivation is to get them back. If youre truly over him, which I could never be, then go for it. But how are you goijng to feel when hes having sex with his new squeeze and with someone else? I suppose if youre not in love with him then you could be just friends.

I hope whatever happens it all works out for you.

Best wishes and I feel for you...

I would be in limited contact with him only if you think he is a good source for potential boyfriends for you. Sounds like too many transitions in too short a period of time (from intense lust/sex to dating to now he wants friendship) to be a productive arrangement for you, especially since you are still attracted to him.

I think the best thing is to go NC with him, take care of yourself, that's the most important thing!

I think NC is probably your best option unless you think you're able to look at it as only friends. From what you write it doesn't seem that way though. However, saying that I would make sure you let him know what's going on. He was kind enough to let you down in a very mature and considerate manner, so I think you owe him the same to tell him you don't feel like having contact will help you and that you're going to need your space for a while.

Do you want to be "just friends" with him? If maybe, or you're not sure yet, then I think you should go NC for a couple weeks at least. Just to clear your head. Have some temporary NC to have some space. Afterwards, you two can decide to talk as friends, or decide to not speak any more with only LC, or if he realizes he still wants you, you could try again.

Btw, reading this OP, I am glad to see that some people in this world still break up with others in a nice way. I think he had good intentions and didn't want to hurt you, nor did he want to offend you.

Btw, reading this OP, I am glad to see that some people in this world still break up with others in a nice way. I think he had good intentions and didn't want to hurt you, nor did he want to offend you.

Absolutely. Unfortunately this just reinforces that he seems like a really good guy. I wish my breakup was anything like that.

I personally prefer the 1st school of thought.

But regardless of whether you want to be 'just friends' or not, I think a period of NC is good for the soul.

The way I see it, if the friendship is really what both sides want, if both people truly see each other, and value each other as 'just friends', then the friendship certainly can survive a period of NC.

no contact is the best thing

cause I been down the road of being friends after,its just don't work

you will want more,and hope for more,and it will only push him away further

Let him go. If he wants to wait and see how things go and not work through the issues and make them better as you go, in all likelihood, he is looking for an easy way out. And for a guy to stop sex to be friends, there is something wrong with the relationship that he does not wish to continue with. If you can bear being friends, then do it, but it will hurt, even for a short relationship. And how will you feel if he starts dating someone else?

Push away, go NC for a while and if he tries to contact you, ask him for space to sort things out in your head.

So, I got home from work today at about 6pm. I didn't log on AIM, I had no intention of talking to him today. Then at 6:45, he calls me. I don't know why, but I wasn't expecting a call--it surprised me. I answer...and he wants to talk about random stuff. He acts as if nothing happened. He talks about the movie we saw last night...the one he took me too before dumping me yesterday. Then he talks about how we had talked about going to this concert together way back when we met and how we missed it because we forgot and how awesome it would have been. I act...fine on the phone. I was surprised with myself. I was casual and friendly as always. Then he gets another call so we hang up. About an hour later, I log into an online game that we both play. He's already online and immediately starts talking to me...again completely random stuff. I act pretty cold to him actually...my responses are delayed and few and far between. Then I log off and didn't log back on until he went to sleep.

I know he wants to be friends, but this is all very strange to me. I almost feel as if he's become so use to talking to me every single day, that he's trying to keep it up even now. I don't know what to do, I mean, I don't want to seem rude. He was a really nice guy about the whole thing, but I also think I should keep my distance. I know he'll contact me though and short of completely ignoring him(and seeing cold and rude in the process), what can I do? Should I just tell him I need time by myself next time?

I would say

"thanks for calling but it sounds like we have different goals. You seem like a nice guy but I have enough friends for now and I need to focus my limited free time on meeting someone who is also looking for a relationship as I am."

or...

"I need space and I ask that you respect my need and not contact me."