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Thread: Unexplained attraction and connection

  1. #11
    Iliena
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    Quote Originally Posted by midnightrambler [Register to see the link]
    absolutely.....unfortunately she was older than me and still married but separated, we stayed in contact for about 5 years and she now has two children and still married
    I don't get it. If two people feel the same way...why didn't she pursue it? Does she have the same connection/attraction for her husband? Maybe I'm being selfish if there are children/spouses involved, but when you find someone you connect with on such a special level and it's not one-sided, then isn't it worth it to try to be together?

  2. #12
    Batya33
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    Well, no, not if you committed to be with another person for better or for worse, including if you meet someone you have a strong connection to and especially if there are children involved.

    If you want the privileges of being married, the vows don't say "unless I meet someone for whom I have an unexplained connection."

    It's all about priorities - if someone prioritizes always going after the next big thing, keeping options open, that person has the choice not to be exclusive and certainly the choice not to subject innocent children to those whims.

    Obviously, people get divorced and sometimes because they meet other people but I would want to hear that they put 100% into making the marriage work including no contact with the other person and certainly no cheating.

  3. #13
    Iliena
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    Quote Originally Posted by Batya33 [Register to see the link]
    Well, no, not if you committed to be with another person for better or for worse, including if you meet someone you have a strong connection to and especially if there are children involved.

    If you want the privileges of being married, the vows don't say "unless I meet someone for whom I have an unexplained connection."

    It's all about priorities - if someone prioritizes always going after the next big thing, keeping options open, that person has the choice not to be exclusive and certainly the choice not to subject innocent children to those whims.

    Obviously, people get divorced and sometimes because they meet other people but I would want to hear that they put 100% into making the marriage work including no contact with the other person and certainly no cheating.
    It certainly is very selfish, but maybe not everyone wants to be martyrs. I'm not saying that people are actively seeking out other people in case they have an attraction to them, but in life, we can't control what happens sometimes. We meet people and it's rare that we meet people we feel a very strong connection to inexplicably. I'm not talking about just a wee bit of attraction. It's this almost instant magnetic pull. This is not done purposely, it just is.

    No sane person, who's already married will immediately get divorced, after all, the connection might not be real. So of course, people try to make their marriage work, because there was a reason, once upon a time why two people decided to get married in the first place.

    It's your perogative to stay in a marriage, but it really depends on how you feel in the marriage...are you relatively happy? Unhappy, miserable?

    To stay in a marriage when you are miserable and when you know there is nothing real sustaining the marriage, especially when you know there is this other person you feel a special connection with is sad IMO. Life is too short as it is. But some people feel it's ok to make these sacrifices for their children.

  4. #14
    Batya33
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    That's not my point. My point is that if you believe as you do - that if you met someone you had an unexplained connection to as you posted, that you would divorce your spouse and leave your family/children - then I would think that you wouldn't be well suited to making a marital or similar commitment to someone.

    Temptation like that is everywhere and it's always a choice whether to follow up on a connection like that. Also, typically the miserableness has nothing to do with the other person but with problems in the marriage and the commitment means that you commit to work on the problems and while working on the problems not to cheat or have sabotaging contact with the otehr person.

    Obviously as I wrote - but you ignored in order to make your point I guess - there are situations where the people do divorce because someone meets another person. I just disagree that if you are in a committed relationship you should pursue that connection you feel - you have a choice not to, and if you chose to get married and chose to make that commitment, chose to have children and all the other benefits you chose not to have the freedom to pursue a romantic connection with another person.

    Of course there is always the choice not to marry in the first place and in my opinion given your standards it might not be a good decision to make that type of commitment, so that you can be free to explore every time you feel an intense connection to a stranger.

    Good luck.

    Edited to add - of course you can marry someone who feels the same way you do - that if one day they feel a connection to someone else that they believe is intense, they are allowed to pursue that connection and then compare it to how they feel about you, choosing the other person over you if that is the result. As long as both people are honest that they are allowed to pursue those "connections" that's fine. Of course, you would never know if he actually felt that connection or if he simply was tired of you and used that as an excuse to be with someone else and leave you. But that's a matter of trust and confidence.

    For me, personally that would never work and I've never heard of anyone, other than people in an open marriage I guess, who would commit to someone who said "but I'm allowed to explore the potential with someone else if I feel this unexplainably strong attraction to that person".
    Last edited by Batya33; 03-29-2008 at 07:19 PM.

  5. #15
    Iliena
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    I think you misunderstood the premise of the hypothetical. It's not what I would or would not do or whether I choose to marry a person or not. You are clearly offended by the lack of details of the hypothetical.

    The premise is that a person is already married and with no ill-intent and with no purpose of straying, meets a person with whom they have a strong connection...an otherworldly connection, if you will. No one said anything about cheating or pursuing while married. It simply just happens. No one said that two people shouldn't try to make their marriage work or to throw away a marriage on a whim merely upon meeting someone you have a connection with. Clearly, no one is going to throw or should throw away a marriage for every crush or to not think about their situation.

    What I choose to do personally, you should not concern yourself with. The question wasn't whether *I* should enter the bonds of marriage.

    Edit to add: Ok, so you are taking the hypothetical to add....now that you are in a marriage, are you allowed to explore an unexplained connection to another person WHILE still married?
    Last edited by Iliena; 03-29-2008 at 07:37 PM.

  6. #16
    Batya33
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    I believe there is always a choice as to whether to pursue a connection and when you are committed you choose not to with rare exception.

    I am not married but am in a committed relationship and thereforeeee have promised, among other things, not to explore such a connection while in the relationship and, if I choose to explore that connection I would need to end the relationship. But I wouldn't think people would get involved if the standard was "we will be exclusive but I can explore any intense connection I feel and end the relationship based on feeling an intense connection to a stranger."
    Last edited by Batya33; 03-29-2008 at 08:11 PM.

  7. #17
    Shin kensen
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    way to hijack. Theres no right or wrong, theres do or do not

  8. #18
    Kyoshiro Ogari
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iliena [Register to see the link]

    That's my fear...that I'm just making up these feelings. How did you find out?
    I am not attractive. I only get the connection. I'm very connectable but not attractive so I'm suck on the One Way Street. The hurt is when they choose someone I know over me, which thankfully stopped after college, for the most part.

  9. #19
    ghost69
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    Quote Originally Posted by Iliena [Register to see the link]
    I don't get it. If two people feel the same way...why didn't she pursue it? Does she have the same connection/attraction for her husband? Maybe I'm being selfish if there are children/spouses involved, but when you find someone you connect with on such a special level and it's not one-sided, then isn't it worth it to try to be together?
    i've seen women and haven't even said a word to them and could share a connection. and when we've talked it was even better. but a married woman? i wouldn't even read into that.

  10. #20
    Sweet Buttabean Jellayroll

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    no.............

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