** Need your urgent help on this one, please read

Hi everyone,

My name is Steve and I'm in a tight situation with someone that has caused me a lot of sleepless nights, lost of appetite and stress. If I could have people’s input in this situation that would be much appreciated, especially from those who have come from experience, or have been in or know the outcome of similar situations like this.

Situation:

It all started when I met this girl about 3 months ago at a party who at the time had a boyfriend. Because I knew she had a boyfriend, I wasn't going to do anything so I had decided to back off. Within following weeks of keeping in contact, I learnt of her strong interest and attraction towards me. As much as she knew it was wrong to like someone whilst in a relationship, she couldn’t help but like me. This wasn’t done behind her boyfriends back, he knew about it since day one. She couldn’t hide it from him.

Later during the weeks gone by, we would keep in contact via MSN and several times I would take her out for drinks and dinner. Her interest in me grown, and what initially was an attraction was becoming more deeper than that. All the while, I was developing feelings for this girl too.

I then suggested that she should go on a break with her boyfriend, because its not fair for her to be with someone while having feelings for someone else.

So she did. They went on a break and we continued to see each other. In that same week, we got a bit too close, as we hugged and kissed. She felt bad and knew it shouldn't have happened. She got home and told her boyfriend who she was on a break with, and he decided to break it off with her.

When he had decided to break things off, we continued to see each other, get to know one another, and at that point in time, we were happy and were comfortable to let this continue.

However, within those weeks of us being together, her boyfriend who became her ex, decided he wanted her back. He would come over her place crying, begging and pleading for a second chance every so often - putting so much pressure on her. He would pull this stunt every so often throughout the duration of us being together. This put her in tough situation to choose.

"Background about their relationship" –

They dated for 2 years, the first 6 months were great, but the relationship just died from then on. She no longer loves him, no longer feels for him like she use to, he no longer makes her happy. She sees him as immature, not ambitious, not affectionate, not polite to people, hot tempered which contributed to her losing her feelings for him. They knew each other since Highschool, he comes over her place a lot so her parents see him like a son, they also have the same group of friends. They are both 21, I'm a little older than that.

Everything that he is, I'm the exact opposite. So I make her happy, I'm ambitious, affectionate, polite, caring and understanding. I'm everything she has ever wanted, being her ideal guy.

She's incredibly happy when she's with me but finds herself going back to reality when she comes home to face her parents, ex boyfriend, and friends. Her parents and friends would want her to go back with the ex boyfriend, and being Ethnic Asian background but born in western society, listening and following your parents is a big thing, so that they don't get disowned and frowned upon.

I told her to choose whatever makes you most happiest and to follow her heart and that was the one thing I was drumming into her since day once, without selfishly influencing her to choose me, unlike the ex boyfriend. And after changing her mind several times to not choose the other guy, she ended up choosing him.

She knows she's going back for the wrong reasons, she even said so. She confirmed that she's going back out of guilt, sympathy and to undo the past. She chose the easy route, whatever was most convenient for her because she wanted to please her parents and friends, not necessarily what she truly desired.

She's not a strong person, instead she's indecisive and emotionally fragile (phlegmatic type) and tends to lean on people's opinion, swaying back and forth.

She said that its going to take a while to get over me completely, and said that she has never experienced this much hurt before – the hurt of not being with me.

She feels that if I'm out of the picture, she can focus on her relationship with him, and overtime her feelings towards him will grow again, and hopefully she'll feel what she felt for him at the beginning of the relationship. But she would want him to change in order to make their relationship.

She feels like she owes him this much to give the relationship a second go because of what she’s done, and also because of the amount of effort he’s put forth in trying to repair the relationship despite what she’s done. She feels bad about that.

She told him how she truly feels about me and although it crushed him to hear it, he still wants to selfishly work things out with her and have a second chance.

She stated to me that although she would've wanted to give it a shot with me, she had decided not to because of 2 reasons - 1, she met me when she was single, and to go behind her boyfriends back to see me would make her feel guilty for the rest of her life. 2, she knows that her parents and friends wouldn't approve of us going out and that she know's that they'd want her to give the other guy a second chance. I know she wants to be with me but feels like she can't. She said one time 'I don't expect you to wait for me' insinuating that she wants me to wait for her.

I wrote her a really long email after she wrote me that letter declaring her decision to go back with him. And since then she had replied, stating how she can’t be in contact with me any more if she was to give this relationship a good chance at working. She said out of respect for the boyfriend, it would make things easier for him. She made it clear that she would want to keep in contact but doing so would make things difficult. So I’ve respected her wishes.

She mentioned that that things are finally working out and that she’s going to do whatever it takes to make it stay that way – will this last?

In light of this, I have some questions for all you love experts out there –

- Will their relationship work out? What's the likelihood of it working out? What do you see happening from all your experiences that you've witnessed who have gone through similar situations?

- Do people who go back into relationships because of guilt and sympathy ever work out? What’s been the general outcome of this?

- Because she’s initially re-entering into the relationship because of guilt, sympathy and pleasing friends and family, what are the chances of these reasons becoming into genuine reasons, which is, because she loved him etc?

- If you’ve fallen out of love with someone, and no longer like them in that way, what are the chances of getting those feelings back? Or once it’s lost it’s lost?

- Will she ever get over me, knowing what I meant to her, and how happy she was with me, and that I was everything she had ever wanted in a guy? (She said that I was her ideal guy)

- It seems like she’s no longer hurt in losing me when chatting on MSN, I didn’t ask but it appears that way. Is that what she’s just trying to show me?

- In order to have her back, what strategies should I employ to do this or should I stay away and let things be for a while if I was to ever have a chance with her?

- Do people change and what’s the likelihood of this guy changing to make things better? Some have said that he’s going to change in the interim to keep her, but once the probation period is over, he’s going to go back to this normal ways.

- Will there relationship ever be as strong again?

- Could she ever be happy with this guy?

- I know a lot of you would suggest NC (no contact), but would that suggest to her that I am giving up? What would this achieve?

Before everyone helps me with this situation by giving their input, there’s a few things to consider, since you’re probably thinking that this situation is no different to all others you’ve read.

Things to consider -

- We are all ethnic Asians (would outcome be different?)

- They’re 21 and not married (in a 2 year relationship)

- Her parents are really strict… although she felt that they would want her to give him a second chance to see if it would work.

- She feels like she has to meet the approval of her friends and family which is important to her

Please advise and I’d appreciate it if you can address my questions.

Thanks everyone

To me ethnicity doesn't matter, first it's completely up to her to choose who she want to stay with (even if she takes in considerations other opinions.second, I see that she already made her choice so let her live her life and respect her choice because no body stays in a relationship for sympathy.

I know it is hard to analyze these kind of situations objectively ,you are emotionally attached to this girl,but unfortunately she has made her decision.You can't control her behaviour.Do you really want to wait around in the hopes she will change her mind?Perhaps if you start dating someone else it will cause her to swing back your way or you might just have something geat with somebody new.Regardless,it is the way to go in my opinion.

So you have an "emotional habit/addiction" to her right now despite the obvious hurdles here. Doing "no contact' is the most attractive, healing and mature choice for you. And it doesn't mean she will feel as if "you are giving up" because you can tell her "why" you are choosing "no contact" by telling her in a self respecting kind way something like this:

I want you to know I care deeply about you, but I do want to respect your wanting to explore a relaitonship with your ex, and since that is your choice, I also need to make a choice to do what is best for me and that means "no contact" because to stay in contact now would only cause confusion, resentments and frustration and I don't want put us in that type of situation, so it's best for us not to be in contact right now, if in time you discover that you do want to make an effort to be in an exclusive relationshp with me, THEN you may contact me and I'd be willing to talk, I'm sure you understand and I wish you the very best".

How does that sound for you to express to her? It's honest, it's clear, it leaves the door open for her to contact you in the future IF she is ever respectfully serious about you, it then gives her a chance to work through whatever with her ex, and she will be missing having YOU in her life, and maybe she will then discover that missing you is too painful and her ex is NOT that great of a situation..and it also allows you time to regain a healthy realistic perspective on all this and to be self respecting and classy enough to set some mature healthy boundaries about how and why you allow people to share your heart.

As long as you are still willing to be on the "side lines' of her life while she is still involved with her ex, well then you risk defining yourself as the "buddy on the side" who is there for HER comfort, HER ego, and you will be slowly losing a sense of yourself through this type of confusing situation that keeps her comfortable enough to ease into a relationshp with her ex with you as a safety net... that is not an attractive thing for you to choose to do..

but again, I know you are nervous about setting some respectful boundaries for yourself, but remember we teach people how to treat us by how we treat OURSELVES and not by how we treat them... so treat yourself with enough respect to let her know you care for her but you are NOT interested with being on the side lines while she is in the game with this ex of hers.

Hi-

You did have alot to say. However, I'm going to try and be brief here without answering every one of your questions. Not because they are not valid but because I think these things will succinctly cover them.

1. In the end, she chose him. Regardless of whether you like it (I can see you don't), she chose him. It should no longer matter to you if they work out or not because she chose him.
   
2. Now, let's say it doesn't work out between them. Would you really want to be her 2nd choice? Can you be happy about that? That a girl chose to try some other relationship first (because of whatever reason) and when it didn't work out, she comes to you and says "...well this didn't work out but I want to give us a chance now..."
   • I'd say in the above example, you're setting yourself up to be a doormat.

[*]It's time for you to move on. The girl is right in letting them be and moving on. You should let her try and work things out (even wish them well). Walk with your chest upright because in the end, you can and will find a great partner for your future.

Best of luck,

Maverick

They way you explain this whole thing it seems to me she is causing you more confusion then anything. She says that she feels strongly for you and not the other guy, well why in the world would she chose him?

All the advice given here by the other posts is good advice. By not contacting her one of two things will happen either she will realize she misses you and made the wrong choice or she works it out with him. I don't think I would want to wait around either way. You got alot to offer don't waste your time on this drama queen go out and get a girl who can give you her full attention.I know its not easy when the heart is involved but waiting around will just prolong the pain. So I say you get back out to the pond and cast the rod for a new fish and don't look back.

Well, you did ask a lot of questions.

Here is my opinion.

You can't control the actions of others.

I think she went back for the WRONG reasons.

You can't MAKE her come back...if she WANTS to come back, she will.

Yes, it hurts. And it won't STOP hurting. No, I don't think she is "over" you. I think she still thinks about you. But, I agree with others who have said not to contact her. Don't sit around and "pine" away for her. Ask other girls out. Live your life.

Who knows...she VERY well may come around.

If it was meant to be, it will be. If not, well, look at it this way: the girl for you is out there right now, just wondering where you are!

My best to you...

~Allie

Bottom line:

This girl is simply bored of her current 2 year relationship and is making side romance with you. She is simply acting out her fantasy with you. You are being used to fulfill that fantasy of the greatest love romance. She is not for real here. Don't be fooled and don't be led on. She's choosing to go back to her old comfortable ways and saying it's for sympathy reasons is just stringing you along for more fantasy. You're on the hook based on what you wrote here.

Move on. If she decides to go with you, then you know what you have is real, and not just her fantasy.

Thanks for your input guys, it was all much appreciated. I've tried to be as unbias as much as I can in giving you knowledge of the situation at hand.

It's true that I still like her, but have decided to move on, however am hopeful that things will change. Call me stupid for thinking this way, but any person in my shoes would feel like this initially.

If you’ve fallen out of love with someone, and no longer like them in that way, what are the chances of getting those feelings back? Or once it’s lost it’s lost?

Do people change and what’s the likelihood of this guy changing to make things better? Some have said that he’s going to change in the interim to keep her, but once the probation period is over, he’s going to go back to this normal ways. How accurate is this against most cases?

It's difficult to just simply let go like that. I really like this girl and she really likes me. Guilt can cause people to do things they don't wanna do, I have friends and read this in other posts of similar people doing the same thing ...

I suppose I want to know whether people think this relationship is going to work - based on what they know and understand of the situation and experience in something similar. If not, why don't they think so ...

Do people who go back into relationships because of guilt and sympathy ever work out? Has anyone been in this situation before or know of anyone who has? What’s been the general outcome of this?

Honestly, there is no certain answer.

It depends on the individuals.

I'll say this - there likelihood that you get a quick turnaround in that she leaves him and comes back to you is probably not there. It may be six months - or it may be between 1 - 2 years.

In the end, if you chose to wait, you'd be placing your life on hold for this.

Our lives are not romance novels and the idea of waiting for someone for a prolonged period of time when they are with someone else, is not something that would appeal to me.

Best of luck,

Maverick