3yrs together, engaged, big doubts and cold feet!

My bf and I have been together for 3 yrs, enaged as of march 2007. Very loving, my family is close with his, we all love each other blah blah blah. I would like REAL advice. I WANT to make this work. I would not like to hear "you should just break up". Any thing worth having is worth working hard for.

I go to work and go to school full time 8 months out of the year. We have very little time together during these months. I'm tired, he's cranky. We bicker, and very rarely do we even have the same days off together.

He is going to a therapist every week for almost 5 months, and THANK GOD. He's a whole different person after therapy. He quit drinking, quit smoking pot quit smoking butts. It's great. He is a reformed junkie (13 years sober), i never knew him during that time. I'm proud of him, his whole family thanks me on a weekly basis for turning his life around when we DID finally meet. We worked together. We share a wonderful dog and 2 cats, a cute apt. He's getting his life on track (I am 10 yrs his junior, I'm obsurdly mature an he's not so obsurdly immature)

We decided to push back the wedding to 3 yrs so I can finish my degree. He's fine with that, but lately...I feel like I'm nitpicking the heck out of him! I think its a case of cold feet, REALLY early cold feet.

He is extremely irresponsible with money. It wasn't until we were together when he filed his taxes! I had to hold his hand through everything. Now he owes the IRS $4000. I had to find a tax attorney and everything. He has terrible terrible credit, he can't qualify for any credit cards!! This worries me alot because I am VERY responsible with money and credit. He wants to buy a house in 5 years, and absolutely not! We will NEVER be able to with his credit. He doesn't get it. I can't imagine ending a relationship because he has bad credit. HE is very open to the idea of a financial advisor. And he makes $70K a YEAR, there is no reason why this can't be fixed. I take care of everything finacially, all the bills are in my name, his checks are directly deposited into MY account, he doesn't even HAVE a bank account due to the IRS.

If not reminded 10 times WITH post-it notes everywhere, he will forget to do something...LIKE, mail the xmas presents out (which he STILL hasn't done yet). Or buy the dog food and she goes hungry for 2 days! When working 80+ hours per week, I sometimes can't do everything, like pick up dog food.

He has been getting into some trouble at work and they cut him down to 4 days per week. So he HAS alot of time on his hands. And his excuse to not picking up the slack when I'm in school is because he's "not gonna suffer just because I am". It makes me feel like I can't go to him for help. But other times he will bend over backwards for me, and make me dinner, clean the house, run a couple errands, but this is few and far between.

Our sex life is almost non-existent. I had surgery to remove some cancer cells on my cervix RIGHT after he proposed to me in march. And we only had sex once a month due to discomfort etc.. NOW..it's been 2 1/2 months.. no sex. And when we DID, he was SO selfish in bed. NO foreplay, no romance (I know its there, it was AMAZING in the beginning of our relationship). So i gave up, i just never want to put effort into it when I NEVER ever have an orgasm. (It's been over 2 years since he's given me one). In a rut already!? We have both put on our 'comfortable stage' weight, and I"m self conscious...so I need some serious engine reving, and he puts in zero effort.

When I started school again in September, he started smoking butts again, which i can't STAND and he KNOWS I hate it. He started smoking pot again, which I prefer he do rather than smoke butts, it calms him and he's a painter, so it's his creative lubricant. I met him smoking pot, I knew it going in, i will never ask him to stop, he's been doing it for years, not my place.

I"m often moody and rather than have a discussion every time I feel pissed off, because often times I get defensive. He makes me feel worse at first because he pin points my defaults...then he realizes he's being rude and realizes where he is going wrong. So for the sake of the holidays I've kept everthing bottled up and I'm going to EXPLODE if I unleash a little bit. Now I don't know where to start, AND I feel like something is bothering him because he never wants to give me more than a 1 word answer. I know he is going through some personal issues, which I know i can't fix (mental health issues).

I brought something up last night and said "we need to work on sync'n up again, I feel like we're on different pages" But all he did was agree and tell me it takes a while for me to get out of my 'school cycle' which is true. After 4 straight months of stress, it takes me a bit to unwind.

My long winded point is, how do we sync up again!? I landed a new job so i can make my own schedule so we can have the same days off together. I know we should go on dates, and we did last week to the movie. And it was nice. But it felt forced. We haven't been on vacation, well, ever...I don't count flying to the midwest to see his family for 3 days a vacation.

What should I do!?

PS: i am seriously considering seeing a therapist myself, I know I have some issues to work out.

Thank you so much for reading, anything will help!

UPDATE As of 1/1/08

THE same day i posted this (new years eve) I came home and we had a nice little fight. He even stated he didn't want to be with me if things continued this way, and I thoroughly agreed. I planned on going to my fathers new years eve party and I outright told him he was uninvited, due to the ginormous fight we had. I told him to go out with his friends and I'll see him later. I gained alot of perpspective my dad gave me great advice. I did meet up with him right before the ball dropped and told him if we, if I wanted this to work things were going to have to change, and he needs to realize I wasn't happy and I realized he wasn't. He told me he needs to know what I want to do with my life, he doesn't want to marry an OCD workaholic...and I certainly don't want to end up that way (which I'm well on my way). I told him I don't want to marry an 8yr old child who has ZERO responsibility, and I refuse to mommy him any further, and I will start my own counseling in 2 weeks. We agreed, and literally kissed on the ball dropping and promised to communicate as much as humanly possible. I spoke to my boss to change me schedule around so we can have couple time..rather than myself taking days off purposefully to have my own alone time. TODAY, even though it was the day after the fight, HUGE HUGE change, I know I need to make sure it stays that way. He did things he's never done after a fight, and that was taking me seriously. He's helped me all day, did things on his own and we commented on each other throughout the day on what we like and don't like as they happened. I'm confident this may well be the last straw, a probation for both of us, he both agreed we would end on good terms, and to give it one one final chance. If not, it was good while it lasted. We see a fiancial advisor in Feb ad he promised he would cut back with the intentions to quit smoking. We both vowed to keep the love life intriguing. He told me what he dis/likes and so did I.

I just wanted to say thank you to the strangers who offered me advice, it was the courage I needed to tell him I can survive with or without him, but I would sure like his help.

THANK YOU!

Perhaps you guys shoudl see a couples therapist? It seems like you still want to be with him but all the stresses of life and his seeming uninterest in it sometimes like not grabbing dog food, frustrates you. I completely understand your position. If you are down to one word conversations, you need to fix that quickly! That (to me) always seems to be what happens close to the end.

Your story seems so close to the relationship of three years that i just got out of that i just cant' help but relate. The difference? We weren't engaged and couldn't ever talk about it, he had horrible credit and didn't want to take any of my advice to fix it. Your guy knows that he's not the best with money but he's willing to give you control over it. That's a start right?

Maybe a vacation is in order if it could work financially and with school. Soem time alone might be all you need to rediscover how much you love eachother and want eachother in your lives.

I cant agree more with what Merrick just said.

I just went through all the same things you are, we waited to long and she fell out of love with me and found an emotional connection in a lesbian friend (who she cheated on me with and now is dating)

so fix it before its to late!!!

good luck!

I won't tell you to break up...but I will tell you that marriage is not going to make an irresponsible, very dependent person suddenly become responsible and a real partner. You are covering for him and he is quite happy to relinquish more and more of the responsiblities on you. He truly has a dog's life...eat, sleep, play, poop and pee...and, like having a dog, you are literally picking up after him. You can do all the work you want on yourself...but if he wants to remain ineffectual and have you do all the work...you have two choices...do everything for him until you burn yourself out or walk away from this relationship until he decides to grow up and act like a responsible adult. Quite frankly, I am not quite sure what needs you are actually getting met from this man except for the opportunity to tell all your friends and family that there is a man in your life. Better to have no man in your life than a liability who just sucks everything out of you and contributes very little. Maybe not the advice you want to hear, but I will not sugar coat this...one day when you burn yourself out taking care of this adult dependent, you will realize that relationships are about companionship, sharing of responsibilities, support, both sides pulling their weight emotionally, sexually, financially and with responsibilities and duties.

A vacation is long over due! Maybe a Nice B&B in NH!?

I know the petty things bother me, but I can't put that on him. It's my own fault. No dog food, no clean dishes. Stupid things that wouldn't ordinarily put a damper on my day, suddenly do when the stresses of life add up. Maybe I will try a separate therapist and see how that goes. I can't blame him for everything, but the important part is...he is VERY willing and open to my suggestions, Its just up to me to make them happen.

Now maybe I should post something in the sex and romance forum for some ideas to light the fire in the bedroom....I'm not a kinky person by nature...but maybe I should be ; )

Wow, a vacation will most definitely fix everything...his irresponsibility at work, his inability to manage money, his inability to manage chores, his pot smoking, his laziness etc. Good that you are taking full responsiblity for overreacting to the dishes in the sink and no dog food. I would suggest you read some books on co-dependency issues. Co-dependents always blame themselves for the inadequacies of their partner.

I'm afraid I agree with CAD here.

I don't see this guy as a responsible partner, but a dependent adult.

Let's see, just from what you listed in your first post, he has no credit, is completely financially irresponsible, uses drugs, won't help around the house while you are in school, working 60 hours a week and he has reduced hours (because he 'doesn't want to suffer? What about a couple being a team- working together for the good of the relationship?), and you don't have sex. You are the only responsible person in this relationship- paying all the bills, taking on the responsibilities of living together, etc. Do you honestly get satisfaction out of this?

I too am curious what needs this guy is meeting, and how you think getting married is going to change any of the above issues that you mentioned.

I lived with a guy like this for 5 years and we were engaged too- when I was 17-23. Then I realized that no way did I want to spend my life tied to a man who was so irresponsible and was not an equal partner in our relationship in any way shape or form. It got old fast- him smoking pot every day, not helping around the house, not paying bills, basically, letting me be his mother and not his partner.

Are you really enjoying this?

Any thing worth having is worth working hard for.

I agree.

now let me ask you, do you feel your finacee is working hard for you? to keep you? to help around the home? to help you carry less weight & stress?

I see you are working very hard at this relationship & understanding him & helping him...even on top of your school & job. Your finacee has his hours cut back at work (because he's getting into trouble?? is this connected to the lack of responsiblitys?) and he still can't help you carry less weight? to make your days less stressful so you two can spend time happy together...rather than you get home & now have to do dishes.

Working hard goes both ways. You can not & should not do all the working at this relationship & maintaining the home & money manageing. that's not fair to you. And I'd reconsider being with someone who is okay with doing that to me.

A vacation is nice & I'm sure you two will have fun, but when you get home it will all be the same. A vacation is an esacpe from life, not a cure for life. Personally if you really want to work this out, you two need to sit down & have a serious talk. Perhaps couple couselling may help.

But my fear is that this is him. this is his nature & this will be your future.

I suppose CAD you have a point, a little hard to swallow in a mean make me cry kinda way…. The vacation is something to bring us TOGETHER. I love that you said it wasn't a cure for life, makes perfect sense.

He got his hours cut back from work because of his mental health. without sticking up for him, by any means. i got hit by a car, and landed in the ER..he wanted to leave work to come get me, his boss said no I think you're making it up, he had a panic attack and left work anyway to come to me. when he went back to work..they said his panic attack was unprofessional and had him cut down to 4 days to deal with his anxiety levels. He is NOW on medication...which might explain some things....hmmmmm....

This post wasn’t about getting him to change, or be a better person, I’m pretty sure I know he will not be changing anytime soon. And I’m ok with that. He was this way when we first met. He is consistently inconsistent. I like being in control, I like knowing what to do. I just need him to do the little stuff that I don’t have time for, which he did in the beginning and didn’t complain about it.

The reason why I am sticking up for him is because he is willing to seek help. I know I have a lot of thinking to do. For one, I was a virgin when I met him, and he is my one and only. Two, when I my mother was in rehab, he was there the whole time. What he offers me, IS indeed companionship, prior to my surgery, things were honky dory. He makes much more money than I do, so he pays ALL of the rent and a couple bills, I am in charge of organizing it. But I know if I was ever on vacation away from him, or well...in a coma...things wouldn't get paid.

He makes me realize when I need to relax, gives me creative outlets, I’ve picked up numerous hobbies along the years. He also has a 12yr old daughter, whom he loves very much. I have always been a commitment phobic, my longest relationship before him was 9 months. He gives me new perspective when life is getting me down. I’m an uptight city girl, and he’s a laid back mid western guy. When I get pissed off at someone who cuts me off, he tells me they probably had to be somewhere important (things like that to gain perspective) . He taps into my creative, vulnerable, spiritual side, which I LOVE and never would be able to on my own. Our sex life in the beginning WAS amazing, and he was giving.

I probably sound like the stupid naïve little girl who is sticking up for her ex junkie fiancée, but I never knew that side, I never knew that person. Maybe he’s not the right one for me, but I’ll be damned if I don’t give it my all and regret it.

I don’t care if I end up alone, I honestly don’t. It will give me my OWN time to focus on selfish OLE me. Maybe the time he asked me to marry him fell within the same month my parents of 25 years got divorced…soooo. Maybe an online forum isn’t the best idea for me…maybe I just need to go seek some professional help.

The point was to get ideas on how I can stop nitpicking, and get back in sync with my man. I love all your ideas, and please, keep them coming. I hate turning to my friends, because they all LOVE him soooooooo much. I hate turning to my family because they love him too and I never want them to see him in such a negative light. so...i need strangers to give me advice, sugar coated or not (thank you!)

how can you stop nitpicking? well this is hard for me to give advice on since it's my problem too...lol

But I'll give it a try

- Let go

- Relax

- enjoy what you have, rather than pointing out all that's not right, look at all that IS right.

- if the dishes aren't done -who cares.

- remember you don't want to sound like his mother & no one likes being around nag.

-If he can relax in the mess so can you.

-You've had enough stress at school & work, don't make home a stressor to.

-Don't make a big deal out of small things & realize most things are small things (except feeding the dog..lol)

-Let go & relax.

-Enjoy your time together.

there we go! beautiful. my mother has been trying to have me adopt her mantra of "it's not the end of the world".

Not to nitpick...resolution # 1

and get back in sync with my man.

sorry i forgot to answer this part of the question.

I think when you can relax & stop worrying/stressing out the smaller things, it will allow you to focus & make time for the bigger things - like your relationship.

example - If you leave the dishes for a couple evening you can use that time to spend talking to & enjoying & playing with your man (;

when you can enjoy eachother again, maybe you can move the enjoyment to the bedroom (: or go relax in the a bubble bath together or a nice warm shower together.

*focus your energy on things that matter more.

And pray he's on the same page as you

Well, I keep hearing what he did for you in the past...but the fact remains is that he is no longer doing a lot of the things he was doing in the past. He is getting lazier and lazier about the relationship. Fine, you like being in control of everything...but what happens if you are sick...like you said, you can't trust him to pay the bills. If you get a long-term illness, can you count on him. Who cares how much money he makes if he can't handle it and can't be responsible for it. How would you feel if you got sick and he forgot to pay the electricity bill or the rent and you get thrown out or your electricity cut off. It is all fine to have someone who taps into your creative and spiritual side..but that is not all there is to life...there are practicalities in life...things that can't fall by the wayside. If you can live like this that is your choice to make..but you are already finding it difficult and you have already found that over time he is giving you less and less. You are trying to get back what he was at the beginning...but maybe what he was at the beginning was only to rope you in. How can a person not know that they are not pulling their weight. He knows...he just doesn't care...and he has someone who wants to be in control so that suits him fine. If you don't set up healthy boundaries...he will continue to push back those boundaries further and further until you have given up all of yourself to be in this relationship. I know this won't make a dent but several years from now when you are taking care of a baby on your own because he just wants to smoke a joint, plus you have work, plus the bills, plus plus plus...while he is smoking a joint...guaranteed you will no longer be all goo goe eyed over the fact that he taps into your creative and spiritual needs...because you will be so busy tackling everything else in life that you won't have time for creativity and spirituality.

IA with Crazyaboutdogs. Life is hard enough without the added problems of not taking care of your personal business. I've been pretty wacked out emotionally many times in my young life, but I always made sure my bills got paid and the house was in some type of order. I'll leave you with these practical steps/thoughts (you can take one or all, it doesn't matter):

-See a counselor, if only to get your thoughts together and handle your codependent issues (this is coming from a recovering codependent person).

-Do a comparison budget and without him. And a comparison schedule. Really feel which one is better.

-Since you aren't getting married anytime soon and you aren't currently happy but aren't willing to leave yet, put him on probation, for 3 mos-1 year. Write down your requirements (what he needs to do to make you happy). Don't let him know he's on probation. Sock away enough money and formulate a plan B (from your budget and schedule above) to get out if he doesn't shape up. Tackle the different areas in different ways and see how he responds. It sounds a little nutty, but one bf was on probation, and he shaped up so much he put himself on probation (he never knew he was on probation with me in the first place

Looks like I need some WORK to do! woooweee.

I just needed some confidence. You're right guys. This IS my life...and I don't want to end up unhappy, especially not with kids in the picture. I will speak to him, see how he feels, see my own therapist and see if we can reach an agreement. I will update as soon as I get the ball rolling....

In some ways, I can relate - I am also in school full time (grad school, so very demanding), working. I have an ill mother, a house to take care of, pets, volunteering, my athletic pursuits (I compete in a couple different things). I often feel absolutely OVERLOADED. It was an adjustment as I went back to school after a few years of working and it was definitely "easier" for us both and our routine when I was NOT in school as well.

But, I will say, I totally differ when it comes to my partner...he is incredible - responsible, financially "smart" with his money and considerate of when I am overworked and I know he is responsible (as am I) and I do not need to "mother him".

And, he is an adult - meaning he balances his responsibilities, realizes relationships require joint effort and is not off smoking pot while I am working hard.

We have been together over three years too, living together most of it.

I am not saying this to say "look, it's better for me than you" - I am telling you this to say that a PARTNER in your life is responsible and does not need to be "taken care of". I simply would suffocate in your situation as I would become overloaded, over-stressed and just plain TIRED of playing "mommy" to the extent we were no longer equals. I guarantee this dynamic will also suck away the passion and intimacy over time.

I respect you want to work this out, and I hope you can - but I also agree with the others you need to really determine what you want in your life in the long term, and what you value in a partner and a relationship. I will say...do NOT get married to this man until you have worked through these issues. It is a good thing the wedding is a few years off in that case.

I agree on the couples counseling, but if you cannot make strides TOGETHER, it may be time to re-evaluate. Don't stick with him out of fear. or loneliness, or as you would feel disappointed in yourself if you didn't...or because he is your first....determine if he really IS what you need and value in a partner as he is NOW, as he won't change unless he desires too....and often people just don't desire too...

Why are you still with this guy? It really makes me angry that you work and go to school, and he refuses to help when he is working only 4 days a week. Relationships are a partnership, and he doesn't seem to get this, from what you've posted. He has some maturing to do.