"Forgetting" to Grieve the Passing of a Loved One?

Hi everyone,

I'm curious if you or anyone you know have ever "forgotten" to grieve the passing of a loved one.

Why do people not allow themselves to grieve sometimes? Why the denial?

I'd like to hear your thoughts. I will add my experience later.

Thanks!

Here. Taking a seat and listening mostly for now. Wondering how you are so dead on to what I am going through and need to discuss.

Why? - Mostly because it was traumatic, and there was a lot to be done over the years, and by the time I had the environment to properly grieve, I figured "I should be over it".

It is very complicated. It's a question I've spend a long time working out.

My dad has always had a hard time when I was little seeing me cry. Sometimes he'd even get mad at me for it, because he'd think "guys dont cry". I think that's why when I see loved ones die, then I don't do it.

Atleast thats what the therapist says.

It is a self protective measure. It can be dangerous because it can bottle up and come forth like an explosion when one leasts expects it.

For me, it was the sudden passing of my mother. I was just so worried about my Dad. I put my entire life on hold so I could focus on him and spend as much time with him as humanly possible. This is something I am proud of having done.

But I realize that I never really spent much time on me. No one else did either.

Itsallgrand: we sure do seem to have some similarities...

Nodding. The sudden passing of my dad had me watching over my mom and little bro. My bro was involved in the same accident that took the life of my dad, and had serious injuries as a result. My mom, turned often to drink.

My young adulthood/teenage years were spent more like a grown up than a kid, and with school and all the responsibilities I had (and felt I had to take on) - there wasn't much room there for simply grieving what was lost. Was always trying to work towards some goal, for a very long time.

I suppose I had a similar pattern. Always working towards a goal. Like finishing school, finding a temp job, looking for the next temp job, etc. All of this made me feel like I could begin to LIVE my life after the next "hump". All this caused me to not put down roots since I was just going to move again (I thought).

So I suppose my not grieving is part of a bigger picture of shunting a lot of things to the side....Not maintaining an appropriate balance in my life.

Yeah. "survival mode". And it takes a lot of energy and focus to shift out of that.

And then once you feel like you have, it is so easy to slip back into that mode of existence. If it's become a pattern or a way of life.

Have you grieved and faced it?

It is a self protective measure. It can be dangerous because it can bottle up and come forth like an explosion when one leasts expects it.

I must agree with JadedStar.

I realize that I have, little by little over the past few years.

It feels like this period of self-realization has been a form of positive grieving too.

I'm starting to see a therapist on monday just to have another avenue to spill my guts. I imagine this will come up too.

It is a self protective measure. It can be dangerous because it can bottle up and come forth like an explosion when one leasts expects it.

if that aint the truth- when i ended things with my ex i just wanted to get back to life... i just felt like..i dont have time for this grieving bs...

well a year and half later...i fell into a suicidal depression ..i was miserable... i grieved him then...and i tell you ..its A LOT harder...- i will never do that again.

Honor your emotions.

Sometimes we "refuse" to face traumatic things in our lives because they are too painful. Its a subconscious defense mechanism.

It is important to deal with it eventually though. Even better if friends/family have an intervention of sorts to force you to face it

I guess that was me "refusing", I seem to have been pretty good at "refusing" to face things in the past.

For me it was so easy to do since I was so concerned about my Dad. Never made time for myself. Actually, if you read my other posts, I never really made time for myself in a lot of things!

My new motto: Just Say No to Denial!

When my Mother died, I put up big protective wall. I didn't let it down for 10 years, when a friend gave me a shoulder to cry on. You don't want to know what followed next, but I'll tell you. Hours upon hours of wracking sobbing, throwing things, a feeling like I was having my heart ripped out slowly, or possibly having a heart attack.

Don't keep it bottled up.

Thanks Kimsguy57. I know from your posts that you are all too familiar with losing a loved one. I am so sorry for your loss.

I guess I have let it out little by little, here and there. It was just so strange when my mom passed. It was me, my brother, and my dad. That was it, at least as family in close proximity goes. So my brother and I made it our mission to look after him.

We were pretty lucky. Either that or my dad has an indomitable will and zest for life. Looking back I can honestly say that we could not have hoped for my dad to get through such a difficult time as well as he did.

Kimsguy, be like my Dad!!

When my Mother died, I put up big protective wall. I didn't let it down for 10 years, when a friend gave me a shoulder to cry on. You don't want to know what followed next, but I'll tell you. Hours upon hours of wracking sobbing, throwing things, a feeling like I was having my heart ripped out slowly, or possibly having a heart attack.

Don't keep it bottled up.

Now that I think of it, this very well may have been part of my protective wall too that I have had for quite some time. I think I’ll talk to my therapist about it next time I’m there.

Thanks Kimsguy!

Hey Water,

It aint easy. Am so sorry, but it JUST isn't. Sucks, blows, not right...just isn't.

Sorry for you!

PM me anytime,

KG

Thanks KG!

I am realizing now that my defense mechanism in the past, for a lot of things, has been to avoid and to close-up when faced with things I don't want to/am unable to deal with.

I realize now that this is wrong. I need to confront my emotions, no matter how painful they may be. I should not run away from them. I need to face them head on!

I think my past way of doing things/dealing with things has been the root of many of my problems in the past.

Feel free to PM me too KG! I would be honored to help in any way that I possibly can. I mean that.

WIL, you and I have talked about this a bit, but, like you, I was so focused on my mom after my dad died and I threw myself into a lot of projects to stay busy, that I kind of "ran away" from it. I actually found myself grieving for my dad while grieving for my break-up. And, like you, in this period of self-realization, I'm discovering a lot about my relationship with him that I didn't notice before.

Love4life,

Yeah, kinda funny how things happen this way, huh? I had a pretty long talk with my Dad when he was visiting with me a short while ago. It was good to express it.

This topic has been on my mind today and I've had an additional thought about it and figured I'd post it.

When my mother passed away she did not want to have a funeral. But we did have a memorial of sorts where close friends and family gathered. It was nice. The one problem though was that it was scheduled some 7 months after her passing. I remember dreading having to wait all that time.

I just re-read the letter my uncle wrote and read at the memorial. Its pretty nice:

My Sister, J

I’d like to acknowledge J’s’ Husband R and their two sons, D and C. To J, her family came 1st and foremost at all times.

As we all know some things in life cannot be explained or described in words

Not knowing it and certainly never saying it during our adolescent years on North Grove Street, I was truly blessed to have 3 terrific Sisters and then later, 1 outstanding softball brother. However, I never realized that my Sisters were truly Diamonds, a real treasure.

J, an independent woman was arranging her wedding day without any outside help. My Mom called me at work and asked if I would mind if J had a very Small wedding. Of course, I said whatever she wants. Then I was informed J had gotten married 3 hours ago to R in Newark! Boy could she keep a Secret!

J was a very caring individual to her family, friends and even to their cats which traveled everywhere. J indicated on one occasion her favorite time after traveling in their recreational vehicle was trying to find the cats in the camper once they stopped.

J sometimes was frail, but possessed a strong personality and was a fiercely independent person. She was the 1st Sister to leave the compound to start life anew. During the Newark riots, we were concerned about her well being in the Roseville section of Newark. You see, R was activated with his National Guard Unit and J was “home alone”. However she indicated, all was well saying: look I’m ok and don’t worry.

I can hear the gunshots but I’m safe as I’m lying on the kitchen floor!

I remember our times around our neighborhood, Chadwick Beach and Cooks Pond and her wonderful smile for all, except when I tried to have the rowboat to myself.

K, a friend of J’s from EO contacted me upon reading of J’s passing said some glowing words to me. How J was a loving, caring and giving individual and was one of the nicest people she ever met in her life.

During the last few years, a great pleasure in my life was exchanging monthly letters with J. She would always be most diligent in bringing us up to date with her family and of course her latest trips to her favorite place; the Casinos.

She loved those places!

I’m a better person because of Janice as she touched all of us in her own special way! I’ll really miss her phone calls to me saying: Hi Johnny, its J!

Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for reading!