Its not who you are, its what you do and what you earn?

I just thought I would post my views on this...hopefully others will give their opinions too!

More and more, I am coming to the conclusion that as a guy, women judge you as much on what you do and what you earn (i.e. materialistic elements) as they do on who you are as a person. I do not think the two are necessarily intrinsically linked. When I have been on dates, I can figure out a woman pretty quickly if she comes accross as being money/career motivated more than person motivated. And it sends me running to be honest. For the record, I have had some quite varied experiences - In my professional field, I currently find myself on a full time vocational course, which sees me not working and with little income (I am financially stable) It is temporary, and ultimately my career looks fairly assured in all manners of the word. Its nonetheless amusing to see how women I meet perceive this!

Obviously women (esp at a certain age) look for potential providers in their men. But there is a fine line between that and gold digging. Its just such a shame that relationships are often based on how the other person's status is perceived and what they have to give (financially, materially) than what they are as a person, which (IMHO) is why there are so many failed marriages nowadays.

Opinions?

Well I have dated men with careers and great money and I have dated men with jobs and not a lot of money. I have never been a gold digger, actually get really uncomfortable when the men would want to buy little things for me. I never rejected a date based on the man's wealth or lack there of. I like to treat the man to the occasional lunch/dinner date.

In looking for a life partner, I wouldn't want someone who didn't work at all, but I certainly wouldn't blow the person off just because he wasn't well off.

Its just such a shame that relationships are often based on how the other person's status is perceived and what they have to give (financially, materially) than what they are as a person, which (IMHO) is why there are so many failed marriages nowadays.

 

Opinions?

Well I think it all depends on what a person is looking for. If I wanted a family (2.5 kids) and a nice house to go with it, yeah, I'm going to look for a guy who's got his act together financially. Personality counts too, but any hope for a family wouldn't be possible if he's a dreamer who lives from paycheck to paycheck.

But...I don't want any kids. So none of that stuff concerns me.

Uh, I have NEVER looked at a man as a potential provider.

I have my own career, my own money and I can buy my own dinner. In most of my relationships I have been the higher earner, and it never bothered me. It also didn't bother me when he made more, but I sure didn't look at what was "his" as potentially being "mine." I still footed my share of the bills and didn't expect him to pay my way.

When it came to income, I expected a guy to have some. I expected him to be self-supporting and financially responsible....all the same things I expected from myself.

One thing I never expected was for him to end up supporting me financially.

It's funny, though...if you have the belief/expectation that's what women are looking for, that's probably what you'll wind up noticing and seeing...and you'll come to the conclusion that gals like me are like unicorns and don't really exist.

I think there is a big difference between seeking wealth and financial stability. My hope is that with my savings, I would be able to be a stay at home mom for a period of time without relying on a spouse's earnings. However, I would have no problem working in the home for a period of time while my (hypothetical) husband was the one who worked outside the home. I've been working full time for over 15 years outside the home and would be happy to continue that if there were no children involved.

When it comes to dating a potential marriage partner I do look at what he does for a living, why he chose that line of work, whether he likes it and how much, his work ethic, etc. I once rejected a wealthy guy because of his significant involvement in a multi-level marketing scheme which I found unethical. I have no problem declining to date a wealthy person who I feel does not have compatible values with me. I didn't grow up around wealth or wealthy people and my friends do a variety of things and have widely varying levels of income and assets.

Good topic...

This is pretty prevalent in major urban centers. The first actual topic of a conversation, beyond small talk, is along the subject of what do you do. From this, the conversation will either blossom or collapse with many people. Peoples interest piques when they hear a great title, and drops to an "oh...that's cool..." when it's something rather bland. People can infer earnings based off of a current title or the potential that comes with it when a certain firm that they work for is mentioned as their place of employment. Whether this has any merit on sustaining a relationship is debatable, as Batya mentions above - there are many factors involved such as personal values, however, it is definitely valid when starting a relationship in my opinion.

Of course I am generalizing here - I don't honestly think everyone is like that, but if I had to surmise where it happens, I would say major urban hubs of the world versus smaller towns and villages. That's been my experience thus far. The emphasis in urban hubs is on the rat race, on what you do, where do you travel to (if at all), who are your clients, what part of the city do you live in, and where you go to socialize, i.e., which bars and clubs do you frequent.

Interestingly enough, I commuted from home when I first started. Home is the suburbs. I did this because I was being smart - it gave me the opportunity to save a considerable amount of money so I can buy my own place instead of renting. I had a colleague (female) insult me when we were on lunch with a client once. The client asked where each of us lives. She responded first, and then when I began to speak, she cut me off and mentioned "...you will in the burbs" in a nasty tone which was supposed to mean that I am sub-human or of a boring nature. She didn't know what my plans and goals are/were, and that's personal information which I don't need to share, nor do I really care what she thinks/thought, however, it just goes to show that people do view all these things in a certain way. This is just one example of many for me.

So what is worse in terms of shallowness? The man who only gets with a woman because of her stunning looks? Or the woman who only gets with a man because of his job and paycheck? It does happen.

Yes, it is true most women are to some extent goldiggers, but of course the women on this site are not lol.

I would say a woman is a golddigger if she's soley looking for a man who makes significantly more than her or has much more wealth than she has.

Although I don't think it's wrong to prefer someone who makes more, all else equal. I prefer a rich female doctor over say a social worker, all else equal myself.

I also don't think it is wrong for a woman to expect that a man be financially stable and not living paycheck to paycheck (assuming she does likewise) . I expect a woman to be stable as well.

My ex was unemployed but I didn`t care back then. The only two firm requirements I had from a guy back then were humour and intelligence!

Now I want/expect a bit more from someone I am serious about. One of those things is being self-sufficient and being securely employed and going somewhere in life... like myself. They don`t need to be rich though, and once that requirement is met, it doesn`t matter if you make 30,000 a year or 1,000,000 a year.

Men are judged by financial, career status.

Women are judged by their looks.

So consider yourself fortunate to be a man.

Looks do not change (except for people on Extreme Makeovers). You can change your career and education.

This is life.

I wish I could have stayed at home it would have saved me a lot of trouble.

As much as I hate to say it I think you are correct. Women do judge you by your earnings and status. I was on a date with a girl early this year in the car on the way to the movie she asks me "have you finished uni yet" probably because I am a little older. I could see it in her eyes she wanted to know if i made much money. I seriously felt like asking her why she had to ask that so early.

And then theres the random bar girl who asks "what do you do" right before pashing me. I lied of course

My advice to any guy worried about golddiggers and such is to turn the tables and require a lot of out a woman with respect to careers and education, assuming you have a good career and education yourself.

That's why I require a college degree and a decent career. Being a receptionist or barista isn't going to cut it with me. I'm not going to be some girl's meal ticket.

I don't know that I would say women wanting providers are gold diggers. I want my husband to be the provider. Right now, I support us because he's in graduate school. I am educated and have a very successful career, but the plan is that when my husband finishes school and becomes stable in his career, we'll start a family and I'll be a stay at home mother. I love working and I love knowing that I can support my husband while he is pursuing an education in a field that fulfills himl, but I also value knowing that when he finishes school, he'll (hopefully) be able to support me while I do what I think will fulfill me.

If our plans don't work out and I never get to be a stay at home mom, that's fine. If something happens and I need to continue supporting us, I will and I won't love my husband any less. How ever, we both know what I would prefer and it is what we are working towards.

I don't think it's fair to assume that women wanting to be taken care of are gold diggers, because there may be a difference between what she wants and what she's willing to do.

I'm not sure why the theory is that if the woman works in the home, the man is supporting her. The woman is also supporting the family by working in the home. Child care and housekeeping is very expensive.

My advice to any guy worried about golddiggers and such is to turn the tables and require a lot of out a woman with respect to careers and education, assuming you have a good career and education yourself.

 

That's why I require a college degree and a decent career. Being a receptionist or barista isn't going to cut it with me. I'm not going to be some girl's meal ticket.

If your concern is $ then what about a woman with a trust fund who works at a cafe for the fun of it?

You never really know what a person wants with you. We all take the chance of being used, no matter how careful we think we are being, no matter how picky.

A woman who is worth $5 million who marries a man who is worth $5 million could still be marrying him ONLY for the money.

If your concern is $ then what about a woman with a trust fund who works at a cafe for the fun of it?

That's not gonna cut it for me. If you turned that into "she retired early due to wise saviings and investments and now works at a cafe" or "she has a trust fund but does volunteer work full time", I'd be all up for that. Basically, she has to have accomplished things in life other than being lucky enough to be born to rich parents.

You never really know what a person wants with you. We all take the chance of being used, no matter how careful we think we are being, no matter how picky.

 

A woman who is worth $5 million who marries a man who is worth $5 million could still be marrying him ONLY for the money.

Yes, but it's about playing the probability game.

What I said is it is just as PROBABLE that a rich woman wants you ONLY for your money as a poor one would.

That's not gonna cut it for me. If you turned that into "she retired early due to wise saviings and investments and now works at a cafe" or "she has a trust fund but does volunteer work full time", I'd be all up for that. Basically, she has to have accomplished things in life other than being lucky enough to be born to rich parents.

I understand, your previous post gave the impression that the focus was on money and a "meal ticket."

That's not gonna cut it for me. If you turned that into "she retired early due to wise saviings and investments and now works at a cafe" or "she has a trust fund but does volunteer work full time", I'd be all up for that. Basically, she has to have accomplished things in life other than being lucky enough to be born to rich parents.

So someone without any money who works in a cafe has not accomplished anything in life?

So someone without any money who works in a cafe has not accomplished anything in life?

This is why so many people feel worthless these days. They hear comments like this every single day. It's best to let this sort of comment roll off you or you become depressed.

My husband makes very good money without a degree of any kind. It is partly due to his work ethic and mostly to do with luck and good connections.

I am really glad he didn't have anything when we met because he would have wondered those things about me.

This is why so many people feel worthless these days. They hear comments like this every single day. It's best to let this sort of comment roll off you or you become depressed.

I know, it just confuses me to hear people say things like that because I really wonder what sort of value system someone must have in place in order to think that earning money is an accomplishment. I can see how this is true for some people, but other people have very different needs. A paycheck says so little about a person.

So someone without any money who works in a cafe has not accomplished anything in life?

This is gonna be harsh, but no, they haven't really accomplished anything in life. They may have the intelligence or drive to do so, but to date, they haven't accomplished enough for me to consider them suitable for dating me (unless she was working part time while she was in undergrad) .

I know, it just confuses me to hear people say things like that because I really wonder what sort of value system someone must have in place in order to think that earning money is an accomplishment. I can see how this is true for some people, but other people have very different needs. A paycheck says so little about a person.

It's not about the paycheck, at least not for me. If a girl was making little money, say as an elementary school teacher or social worker, that would be more than fine with me. It sounds bad, but it's about status with me. I don't want to have to explain to my parents, siblings, or friends, that I'm dating some girl who works at some cafe. I guess I wouldn't feel proud of her.

May parents owned a cafe, and I worked there many years. This is pretty much a personal insult to me, so it's especially hard to see this. But I've grown used to it over the years.

I worked for a bank for 6 years, which is considered a pretty nice deal for a HS grad. Then I decided to take VERY early retirement to raise my child. I told my supervisor at the bank what I was planning to do (work for my parents on weekends). He made a cute comment about me spending the rest of my life asking people, "Do you want fries with that?"

I got used to this decades ago. It takes time, but you learn to deal with it.