A Survivor's Spouse

I am the husband of a beautiful, wonderful woman who also is a Child Abuse Survivor. [i capitalized "Child Abuse Survivor" intentionally in honour of her, and others who are survivors of this tragic abuse.]

My best friend, my wife, my partner, companion, confidant, the very love of my life, my soulmate deserves to be referred to by her name, because she is not "mine" in the ownership sense of the word. She is an individual. She is her own person.

Her name is Susan.

Before I begin, a little history of 'The Susan and Lance Story":

Susan is originally from Texas, I from Massachusetts. She is divorced [one marriage], as am I [two marriages]. She has 1 child, I have 2 from my 1st marriage. We met in 2oo3 while online in link removed playing Solitaire of all things. I was still in Massachusetts, she in Pennsylvania. Neither of us was looking for anything, both being quite content to live by ourselves, no relationships. But, one thing led to another, from continuing initially to meet in link removed's Solitaire, to IM'ing each other, to emailing, to calling, and finally agreeing to meet at my home in Mass. We have been together ever since, quite happily. We have enjoyed a very warm, loving, trusting, caring, affectionate realtionship, complete with a reasonably healthy communication between us... We have been there for each other through thick and thin. We have since moved back to her native Texas.

I have known, since we began seriously talking and getting to know each other, that Susan is a survivor. She has undergone counselling, and has circumvented the stereotypical pratfalls or paths of many abuse victims, avoided alcoholism, drug abuse, the use of prescribed medications such as antidepressants, as well as becoming abusive herself. I also know that, from time to time, a relapse [for lack of better term] is possible, brought on by abuse later in life, or even what could be one, or several innocent words or actions from anyone, including the partner of the survivor.

Such is the case I am writing about. My reason for writing this is twofold:

a) I am seeking encouragement, support, resources, etc. that will help me through this ordeal, that will help me help Susan in the best possible way that I can;

b) Hopefully, my story, and that of Susan, us as a couple, as well as any responses posted will help others who are going through something even remotely similar, even if the help they get is minimal at best. Something is better than nothing.

The story:

Susan, as an infant, was abused sexually at the hands of her grandfather. At or about the age of 5, she was again sexually and physically [and of course, emotionally] abused by her stepfather for a time afterwrds of which I am not sure [i do not know all of the details, only that which Susan felt safe in discussing with me].

As I've said earlier, Susan and I have shared an awesome relationship, rarely arguing, sometimes disagreeing but not very often, very affectionate and lovong. But, since the end of Novembre- beginningof Decembre 'o6, something stated happening. Susan's kisses and affection began coming less and less frequent, often feeling as if they were a necessity rather than a "want to". Her "I love you"s became more hollow sounding and more like they were forced. I had to occasionally ask Susan, touch base with her, as to if we were having problems that I needed to know about. It was always a "No." Almost 2 weeks ago, Susan sat me down and told me that she was having a relapse... having trouble with feelings, fears, etc relating to her abuse. She told me that she isn't sure what exactly broguht it on, but that I haven't done anything specific, especially intentionally, to cause this, that if it were anythign I did, she knows it was purely incidental, accidental. She told me that, because I am the prominant male figure in her life, I have, unfairly [her words] been placed in the role of her abuser... I represent the threat to her, though I am, in actuality, no threat. As a result of this "relapse", she told me that she needs time and space to get through it. She told me that she will be seeking counselling at the woman's centre that she went to years ago... She told me that we, while still living under the same roof, needed to live as though we are separated in a sense. Hence, I have been sleeping on the couch. She has offere me to swap with me every few days or whatever, but I have turned it down. Why? Becuase I like the couch? No. Because I don't want to sleep in our bed until she invites me back in, to lay beside her.

She has also told me that she would understand if I needed, in the course of all of this, to find "comfort" elsewhere, that she would be okay with it nad would understand. I told her that I could not do that, that I couldn't live with that. [i do not really believe that, once all is said and done, she could truly live with it either.] I told her that I made a commitment to her, to me, and to us, and that I am going to stand by that commitment, that I am going to stand by her, me, us... She told me that, once she emerges from this, she may not be the same Susan that I fell in love with, and that she may not be the same Susan that fell in love with me. thereforeeee, she couldn't guarantee that she will still love me when all is said and done.

This is all so confusing. I have run quite a gammut of emotions, feelings, etc. It has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. Yet, still I stand beside her. I know it's only been a couple weeks since the "bombshell", and I know all too well that thing smay get worse before they get better. Yet, I will still be here, standing beside her. Susan is that important, that beautiful, that wonderful to me.

While I can't, in good conscience, compare the level of my pain, agony and confusion through this with that of Susan's, I have to ask:

People often consider the victim, the survivor... But, how often do people consider the indirect victim, the person who truly loves that abuse survivor, yet who ends up indirectly being victimized, not by the person who initially was abused, but by the abusers?

I want to do anything and everything I possibly can to help Susan through this tribulation in her life, to help myself continue to be there for her, to understand her pain and agony, and also to help us come out of this still together, and all the stronger for it.

I am desperately pleading for guidance, for support, for resources.

Thank you all for taking the time to read our story, and for those those who respond.

She is getting professional help (counselling), I think you should do the same. There are obviously issues going on here that are beyond the understanding of most and I think you need a professional's help top be guided on how to deal with this because uneducated advice could be bad advice.

Thank you, melrich.

I will be seeking some counselling of my own. But, I am also seeking the support and whatnot from others who have been in th esame position as I am, as well as some feedback from survivors who can understand my end as well as Susan's end of this.

As I wrote, I am also looking for resources online, by phone, or in person.

But, you are right in that some professional help is in order.

Aww!!! I really feel for you. I don't know her complete situation, but anti-depressants can actually help out.

They helped me through a really difficult time although I don't take them anymore.

You are a good man to stand by her an love her. I know you're hurting too.

Maybe you could see a counselor. She/he could help you through this difficult time as well.

Hang in there, I'm sure she loves you, she's just having a rough time.

But seriously, consider anti-depressants. They may make her a little loopy in some instances, but she may feel comfortable with you being around and sleeping in the same bed at night.

Thank you, Gracelove... I appreciate your comments. Thank you.

All I can say, is that Susan didn't ask for her hell... She doesn't deserve it. Any more than any oher child who has been abused.

She has undergone counsellings , and has circumvented the stereotypical pratfalls or paths of many abuse victims .. the use of prescribed medications such as antidepressants...

I understand you might consider it a path, but please don't refer to antidepressants as a pitfall. I happen to be a survivor and I can't function with out them. Its a viable alternative if counsellings doesn't help, because frankly like any profession some counselors suck at their jobs.

I also don't consider you a victim, you are involved with a victim, you can be angry or hurt, but you were not the target of malicious abuse. So my second advice to you is to stop thinking you are victim.

If you truly want to understand her pain, maybe you should try volunteering at a rape crisis center. Then you would here the range of emotion and turmoil going through a person who has been violated in the most intimate manner. You'll get to hear hysterical sobbing, screaming rage, self hate, self blame, self apathy, anger against all men, anger against anyone who could have prevented it, suicidal desires, all manners of self destruction, the list goes on, and that just what I've felt, each woman can take it to a different place and go through a variety of emotions.

I'm sorry to be harsh sounding, but this topic tends to bring out the darker side of me.

CarnelianButterfly, I thank you for your input... It is just as valid and appreciated as anyone else's... I don't consider yours harsh in any way... I understand the best I can, which I do believe is not enough. In fact, I may look into what you are suggesting...

Please note: I use the term "victim" loosely... But, for lack of better word, I am a "victim" as I stand to lose the woman that I love due to no fault of my own. I am guilty of nothing, except loving Susan for the wonderful woman that she truly is, and the hope and wish that I am allowed to continue to do so... That is entirely up to Susan.

As I wrote, 'While I can't, in good conscience, compare the level of my pain, agony and confusion through this with that of Susan's, I have to ask:

People often consider the victim, the survivor... But, how often do people consider the indirect victim, the person who truly loves that abuse survivor, yet who ends up indirectly being victimized, not by the person who initially was abused, but by the abusers?' But, I add that that we, the one's who love the survivor, also suffer for what we see our loved one go through, and for what we go through as the one's who love them. Yes, the survivor suffers far more, but we suffer more than some consider...

I do not look for sympathy. I do not look for pity. I don't look for anyone to feel sorry for me, or even for Susan. Such are wasted here. I seek only what I need to best help Susan, the woman I love.

Also, it isn't me who doesn't want Susan to take anything in the way of such things as antidepressants. She has made that choice, not I. If she feels that it would help her, of course I would support her.

Again, I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

As I said, I do not stand in judgment... that is not my place. That includes you. I was merely pointing out something the way it has been explained to me...

Also, I thanked you for your input, and said that it is just as valid and appreciated as any other...

I am not a professional... I am not judging anyone... I am not criticizing anyone... Again, I am simply writing something that was explained to me.

But, please believe me, I do know how some counselors are... I've been to them myself... some are very good at what they do, while others aren't.

As I wrote, I am using the term victim loosely, and even acknowledged that my pain is nothing compared to the victim/survivor's pain... But, for lack of better word I am a victim, because I stand to lose my best friend, wife, companion... I wasn't the target, but am a "victim" of sorts because of it years later.

I know this sound cliche, but I would honestly take my wife's pain onto myself if I could...

If my meaning was misunderstood, or I didn't say it well and clear enough, I apologize. My intent was only good.

Hi. This is my first post on this message board, and I'm here for the same reason as A Survivors Spouse...though I'm not married, I'm in a ten month relationship with a survivor. I care very deeply for her, but this has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster! While the pain and experience are nowhere near the same as the survivor, I can say that the pain is real as hell when you love someone who is tormented with the memories and after effects of being sexually abused.

CarnelianButterfly, I am truly sorry to hear that you too are a victim, but I'm glad you're a survivor, and major (((hugs))) to you...but I think you were a little too harsh with A Survivors Spouse. I've heard the terms "secondary victim/survivor"...and I feel the effects. The extreme highs crash to even more extreme lows, and back up again(sometimes the very next day! ) ...over and over. The sense that I, as a partner, am seemingly helpless in helping out the one I love is devastating too. Just when you feel the gratification of being there for them to hold on to and feel safe, you get pushed away and treated like you're a threat. Being intimate is also difficult...feeling like your causing your partner pain and suffering during flashbacks leaves you feeling guilty and confused...unrecognized.

There's so much more, and I'm here to learn that I'm not alone...and how survivors, and partners of survivors, can keep their love alive. I'd really like to hear from women survivors and their point of view to try and get an understanding of what they need, or want...and what I need to help myself and my partner. I hope I can gain some insight here...thanks for listening.

btw, we're in 5 days NC, though we are co-workers...](*,)

Tough times...