Life long friend is alcoholic and in trouble

I have contemplated a few weeks on this and decided to post here to get some thoughts and feedback from you all here. I have a life long friend that I have known since I was six years old. We grew up together, played together, went to school and church together when we were young. He has never been married, has no children, is age 47, he is an alcoholic, and has been for at least 20+ years.

Over the period of all these years, there have been numerous interventions, resulting in his being in rehab and detox many times and attending AA. He is also on medications for anxiety and panic attacks.

He falls off the wagon so to speak after every rehab stay and after all the AA attendance he still can not maintain sobriety. He has had the same job for 20 years and I for the life of me cant figure out how he has maintained his job all this time.

He got his first DUI at age 16, while being stupid enough to drive after drinking. His second DUI was in his late 20's.You would think he had learned his lesson by this time. Now just two weeks ago, he had gotten yet another DUI. This time he is looking at possible jail time. Court date march 1 2006.

He calls me three or four times a week, so drunk that he doesnt remember calling. He crys and begs for help. His family has been there for him, his many friends have been there for him offering support in anyway possible. We have all been there for interventions, support, etc. He begs and begs for help, we get him help but he doesnt stick to it. He has gone through every type of counseling available.

He gets off work each day and starts drinking the precise moment he sits down in his car. He drinks until he goes to bed, anything from beer, to hard liquor ( straight). ON the weekends he drinks all weekend long non stop until he passes out for 18- 20 hours at a time and ends up peeing all over himself in bed.

He says he wants help, but when we go to him to get him help, he now becomes verbally abusive, and beligerant with everyone. He wants help he says, but then rejects it. He continues to drive since he got his last DUI. He is going to kill himself or innocent people in an accident and end up in prison if he is not careful. This seems to mean nothing to him . I have yet to figure out why he is not on some kind of lock down at home until his court date. NO one seems to know why he is still allowed to drive. His condition is serious and he is not thinking rationally. His parents took all the keys to his truck and car away from him. But he keeps calling different Lock and Key companies to make him new ones.

I hate to see him in this situation. He is endangering himself and innocent people in the process. I am at my wits end on how to help. If he ends up in jail he will have to quit. Its gonna be hard on him becuase he is drinking now more than ever.

I dont want to abandom him, but yet I feel horrible that he is endangering so many people on the road. Its still three and a half weeks until his court date. Seems he is free to roam at will . At times I want to completely remove myself from the entire situation. But I hate to turn my back on a friend that I know is in dire need of help once again.

At one time there was another friend that even moved in with him to try and help him stay clean and sober. He ran that person out with a gun he had gotten from a co worker one night. I am just confused and lost on it all. Any thoughts and opinions on anything about this would be appreciated. After a while, I just get to the point I feel I have done all I can, but have I? I dont know!!

Hi Coollady,

This is a very frustrating situation, and I have loved someone in the same situation. It really sounds as though you have gone above and beyond the call of duty, as have his family and other friends. You have done everything that you can.

The thing about alcoholics is that no matter how much others want them to get help and push them to get help, and not matter how many times they say they want help, they have to ACT on that and STICK to it, and do it for themselves.

It's awful to watch someone you love and care about self destruct, but the fact is he's just not ready to make the lifelong commitment it takes to change and get sober and stay there. If and when he does, it will take a total life change for him, as in changing where he hangs out, possibly losing friends (if they drink)... habits and leisure activites... it's a major change.

At this point my first thought is that he needs to hit rock bottom. He needs to go to jail and spend some time there, before he hurts himself any more, or worse, someone else. He's lucky he hasn't killed someone already. He needs to face the consequences of his actions to feel the gravity of his problem. No one is going to change his life but him, not matter how supportive you all are to him.

I think all you can do is be there for him, but let him run his own course, and if you really see him making the effort, jump in and support that.

You might consider attending some al anon meetings too, for people who are a family member or love a drug addict or alcoholic, because you need support too. If you are close with his parents, invite them too.

I'm sorry that you have to witness this. It's very hard to go through. You are a good friend to care for him and watch out for him as much as you have.

((HUGS))

You cannot help those who will not be helped. I think it may be the best thing for him that does do some jail time providing that he gets the help he needs in there and is forced to accept. It may be the hard slap upside the head that he needs.

But you must look after your own interests and not let this friend impact on you so that it harms you in some way. You have enough of your own problems right now.

Decide what you can offer in the way of help and do no more. Hopefully the jail time will do the trick but if not you may have to make a hard decision to walk away if he will not be helped.

coollady,

My father is an alcoholic as well. Thankfully, he hasn't reached the point of your friend, but it still hurts. Every day I worry about him and his safety. I am afraid that something bad is going to happen to him. He's already banged the car up numerous times, and gotten mugged. It hurts see him suffer. And I wish there was something I could do.

But the hardest thing is realizing that he has to be the one to change his actions. Just as your friend has to be the one to change his actions. It sounds like he will have to hit rock bottom before anything will change. I fear that something horrible is going to have to happen to him. But for some people, they have to go through that. It's sad, it's painful. But some people don't learn. They have to want to change, and sadly, a lot of people aren't strong enough to learn when they should.

I agree with everything that Hope said. I especially think it would be a good idea to get help for yourself, to help you deal with how painful this must be.

I am sorry that you have to go through this. You are a great friend and are wonderful for helping him out. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I know what its like to watch a loved one hurt himself with alcohol, and its not a pain that anyone should have to go through.

Odds are this time he will end up in jail for this. And I too feel that this may be what it takes to get him sober once again, and maybe this time he can see while sitting in jail that he needs to make major changes in his life if he wants to continue living. He drinks so horribly that he is bloated and puffy all the time.

I imagine his liver is not in good shape after all these years either. Maybe its not too late for him. Maybe just maybe this jail time will rattle his cage in a big way. He is right now horrified at the thought of being in jail because of all the horror stories you here about being in such a place.

I sometimes want to say to him that he should have thought about that long ago before he got himself so deep in trouble with the DUI's. I too am amazed that this man is still alive and hasnt killed himself or others in the process of driving under the influence. ITs just disturbing to me that my friend is obviously mentally , and emotionally so messed up.

It is hard when you see someone do stuff like that to themselves but I suppose we have to recognise that their true nature is being distorted by the alcohol addiction. But that doesn't really make it any easier. And you must take care of your own well being as well as worry about him.

It's very sad.

It sounds as though he's got some level of cirrhosis with all the bloating, and i can't imagine it's too good for him to be mixing his antidepressant/antianxiety medications with alcohol either.

I think jail would be the best thing for him right now. get him off the road and away from alcohol, at least for a little while. There is a concern that with his level of alcoholism he will go through the DT's pretty badly once in jail, I wouldn't be surprised if you found he ends up hospitalized for a short time too during that time.

Jail is best. Right now he is a danger to himself and anyone around him. Maybe what he needs is to be shown what lies in his future if he continues along this path. It's a sad situation. I hope he recovers. And I hope you are doing well with trying to handle this coollady.

you have to do what is called tough love. let him get his own self out of trouble. when too many people help it makes it easier for him to repeat the same behavior. my dad is a acholic i quit talking to him for along time. i told him if he can't see me sober not to come and see me at all. it got him thinking becuase i'm not there to bail him out anymore.

Hope75, you are probably right, that he may end up in hospital for detox and going through DT's if he ends up in jail. THis is probably what he needs is to be in jail so that he can get a chance to get himself on the right track.

I cant remember the last time I have seen or talked to him in a sober state of mind. I have helped, and his family has helped as much as anyone can at this point I think. I have banned him from showing up at my house. I have told him NEVER ever to show up at my home again. He came here once and passed out in my yard and that was it for me. That is when I told him he is not welcome at my home in that condition.

Its just weird how he cries and begs for help, and I hate to turn some one down when they ask for help. But he will not stick to his long term care plan for staying sober. He does hang out with others that drink regularly, so that doesnt help him at all. So in the long run, he will have to chose to let certain people go in his life if he cares to better himself.

I think his alcoholism really took control over him in his late twenties when his girlfriend left him because he would not try to keep himself clean and sober, and I think she had just become fed up and left for her own well being. He has grieved over her leaving him and continued to drink more and more as the years went on over his lost love( she was his HS sweetheart). I suppose that is why he has never married or had a relationship since.

People who have an addiction like this tend to try and hang out with others in a similar situation in order to justify their behaviour and feel more comfortable in the comradship. (my friends do it too, so it must not be a problem).

I'm sure deep down he knows it is a problem and he has moments of clarity where he really does want to change, but it really is a serious undertaking and takes a tremendous amount of will power and strength, and he is not yet ready to mobilize that for himself.

THanks everyone for your thoughts on this about my friend. HE is a good guy down deep inside and is the type that would give you his last dollar and shirt off his back, when he is in a sober state of mind.

He definitely has a serious horrible problem and has endangered himself and others, which bothers me tremendously. His lawyer is telling him to definitely prepare for some jail time. I truly feel that this is gonna be best for him at this point.

Thanks again for all your thoughts. I just needed to get it off my chest and mind, and just get some thoughts from you all. Everyone here is so supportive and understanding. As I have said many times before I appreciate you all.

It is because he is a good guy deep down that you have put up with so much for him and it says a lot for your own good nature and empathetic understanding that you have done so.

One day, once he has started to help himself, you may be able to help him again. But unless he does be careful how much you become involved again.

It is really difficult to create that distance because by nature we want to see the good in people and you know that somewhere in there is a great person who is caring and kind to others. He just has to learn how to be kind and caring to himself.

Keep us posted on what happens with him, will you?

It isn't nice to say but jail might be the perfect place for him to stay, he's a danger to himself and society. Although we all know he's rather a patient who's addicted to alcohol rather then a criminal who deliberatly who has intentions to hurt people. The problem is there 'is no cure' for alcoholism, and since he has been thru all the possible aa and rehab insitutions that one can possibly imagine maby jail will prevent him from drinking, but it won't stop him from starting drinking again if he comes out, he already (even during his prison sentence) will need extensive theraphy to get rid of his alcohol addiction, im also very amazed he kept his job, but then again as you said he's a wonderfull guy if you put - alcohol on him.

I've noticed that a lot of people make jokes or look down upon alcoholics and drug addicts. But inside these people are good hearts and souls who have made wrong choices. They need our love and sympathy the most. While you can't enable them, you still need to be there for them.

coollady, When sober I bet that he is the best. And a part of him wants to change, it shows through at times. But he needs serious help to do so, help that you sadly can't provide. I think he can get over this eventually. I'm pulling for him. And you are extremely strong and brave for facing it as you have. Hang in there. Keep us updated and let us know if you need anything.

Coollady while I realize that it's under scrutiny for some embellishment, the novel "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey is a good read and it relates to what your friend is going through.

Hello everyone. My friend with the alcohol problem called me this morning. He wants me to meet him for breakfast at a local restuarant after he gets off work on friday morning. He works an 11 pm - 7 am work shift. He says he just needs some one to talk to. He is very upset about some things he says he "Thinks" he said to me when he was drunk on the phone about a week ago.

He also says he is afraid of what his life has in store for him. He sounded completely sober when he called me today asking me to meet him for breakfast friday morning. He says that he knows his drinking is out of control .He said that when he is at work every night, the only thing on his mind is , how much longer till work is over and how much vodka do I have at home. He says he just wants a friend to talk to tomorrow, some one to bounce his feelings off of. I dont know what to do.

I have heard this same old " song and dance" number from him so many times. I hate the feeling of turning my back on a friend that needs some one to listen to him. But yet I am fed up with hearing the same old thing from him and he never sticks with his recovery programs to stay sober.

I just contemplating whether or not to meet him when he calls after work tomorrow morning. I know if he is already drinking after work, that I dont really have the desire to listen to his rants and raves. But if he is clear minded then I might have the inclination to listen to him. Just need a few comments or thoughts here from you all.

Its 11:20 pm thursday night. He is suppose to call me at 8 -9 am to see if I will meet him for breakfast in the morning . I think I will have to sleep on this predicament and just see how he seems when and if he calls in the morning for breakfast meeting.

If you think you can handle it, see him. But if its just going to upset you, then it may be best to not see him. Sleep on it, and do what you think is best in the morning. Hope things go alright.

If you do agree to meet him, then you should have him call just before you meet so you can be assured he is sober.

Well its nearly 930 am, and he never called for the breakfast meeting after he got off work. I am NOT going to call him. I am just going to leave it alone for now. Some how in the back of my mind I thought that he wouldn't follow through with his requuested friends meeting for breakfast. He probably went home and went straight for his bottle of vodka again.

Hi coollady,

Be careful of requests like this where he asks you to "help keep him from drinking", even for one day. Most of the time they bail and then leave you feeling responsible for what they did.

It's really hard, but try to remember that he is a grown man and you can "help or save him", and his choices are his own and unfortunately right now dictated by his addiction. It's hard to turn away a friend who asks for help, but most of the time alcoholics need to help themselves, and nothing you do can stop him from drinking- so don't let him make you feel responsible.

((HUGS))