Step families

I divorced some 4 years ago. It was a difficult time, but soon after I find a wonderful woman, whom I married 3 years ago. In many ways she has and is bringing order into my life, which previously wasnt there. From the previous marriage I had a daughter, who is now 17 years old. My wife and I are now expecting our first joint child. Ofcourse we are delighted about this, but I am scared what this may do to the already sensitive family dynamics. My daughter from the first marriage, who is still at the moment going to boarding school some 3 hrs from our home, is in many ways, not the model child. Going through the difficult teenage years at this time, doesn't help either. To make the picture a little worse for her, her mother has by now more or less broken up contact with her and lives in another country. Then come all the stresses of the step-daughter and step-mother relationship. I feel that some of the difficulties my daughter is experiencing at the moment, have to do with the competition she feels in competing for my affections, with my new wife(& probably vice nersa). She thereby has trouble coping in many ways incl.school(though she is quite clever, her grades are continually bad), is not productive when she visits our home every second weekend and school holidays (becomes a typical couch potato for a good deal of the time) and basically has little to do with her new step mother. Problem is, that my wife, does not appear to have much tolerance left for her either, after our 3 year marriage and makes this clear to me again and again. My step daughter's less than productive input at home (when she is there), is ofcourse used as the main reason, why she really cannot tolerate her. I suspect, with the birth of our new baby imminent, that once the baby is there, these feelings may strengthen even further, in which case the whole resentment issue will be re-enforced (on both sides and possibly also between my daughter and the new born, which would be very unfortunate). What to do? I am in a difficult situation, which I seemingly cannot fix. I feel that things are going to get worse, with additional strains developing between me and my wife after the new born arrives. I sometimes need to stand up for my daughter (despite her frequent lack of cooperation which I readily admit), otherwise she would have no one. My wife let's me know that this was not her expectation of married life when she got married to me (her first marriage). I understand that, because as I said, my daughter is not the easiest child in the world to get on with. However reminding me every other day of this fact, doesn't help. Also, I am reminded that there is an expectation that when my daughter reaches her early 20s, she should move out. Whilst this maybe a reasonable statement, its one I am hearing all too often these days. Has anybody had similar situations and experiences, that could help me walk through this potential minefield in the future?

Step families are difficult and present their own unique issues, I myself have a step son so am familiar with some of the things you talk about.

Remind your wife that your trait of standing behind your daughter should be seen as admirable, won't she expect you to stand behind the child you are about to have together no matter what.

Perhaps you could talk to your daughter about possibly being the godmother to your new baby, it may make her feel more included in the event.

sadly i think it's up to your wife and daughter to be mature enough to come together to try and form a relationship. they need to understand the strain this must put on you.

I was never fair to my step father, though to be honest he didn't open accept my brothers and myself either (he wanted mum to cut all ties to her previous life inc us children, and banned her frfom seeing my brother when he was dying in hospital. Thankfully she came anyway and he recovered also). I think both he and I were stubborn and felt threatened by the other. eventually my mother moved out for me even though they had a child together. Mum would take my sister and stay with him for the weekend and I would get the flat to myself. I know I'm not the only reason they lived separately, but i wish i had given him more of a shot. He worked hard and loved my mother dispite his and her flaws. He died 3 years later and my mother died a year after that. I wish for her sake he and I had tried to be more congenial to one another.

make your daughter and Wife understand that you have a commitment to both of them. You love them both equelly and it's unfair of them to put this strain on you. If they can't form a bond they must atleast try to form an understanding, for you and your expected child. Your wife is a fully grown woman and your daughter will be too soon. They need to start sorting things out for them selves with out playing tug of war with you.