Jaela

Ahh, transcendence. Such a lovely ring to such an inspiring word. I'm happy to hear of your positive experience, Caldus. I also congratulate you on your bravery in stepping outside your comfort realm long enough to try a smidgen of something new. Social interaction can truly be an intellectual challenge in itself. With time and peseverance, you may even discover a newfound taste for such trivialities. Perhaps you'll even discover a whole new layer of yourself you never realized existed. Please keep us updated. \\

Hi Shadows Light. Thank you for the reply. I believe the reason he drinks very little stems back to his religious beliefs. He is a deeply religious man. I respect his decision not to drink and actually find it a fine quality. If he took an elitist approach to the situation, however, that would be another story. But, he has bought me drinks in the past and has never judged me for having a glass of wine. The non-drinking is not an issue for me, but the 'lying' is. I realize he is a deeply intelligent and eccentric personality. For example, on Good Friday he will be spending most his day in deep contemplation and prayer. He will speak very little and has all ready warned me he becomes very melancholy during this time. Due to his religion, I understand why and again, it is something I respect and will thereforeeee try to give him the time he desires for his own spiritual contemplation. His quirky habits can be endearing, but it is his lack of communication that is beginning to concern me. He has admitted to me he is selfish, along with his "I'm a terrible person" comment that he loves to randomly throw out at me. I'm just baffled. I'm unable to understand, if he recognizes qualities within himself that lead him to think this way, why does he simply not try to improve upon them? Unless, of course, he's content and happy with viewing himself in such a light. But then I wonder further, if that truly is the case, why he is grappling with such a severe depression. He feels I'm too hard on him at times when I call him out on certain behaviors. I feel I've extended myself towards him with utmost compassion and sensitivity. I've never yelled at him or degraded him for anything. I've merely stated my feelings in a calm but firm manner when he's hurt me. I've also questioned some of his actions merely out of personal curiosity, to understand why he does some of the things he chooses to do. This is when he may become slightly agitated. I'm not trying to be overly critical, I just want to try to understand his motivation a bit more clearly. It seems to me he doesn't like taking responsibility for how some of his actions may affect other people, which may be one reason why he views himself as selfish. This is all fine with me. Meaning, I'm not trying to judge him. I'm not trying to force him into being something he doesn't want to be. After all, I do love the man and want more than anything to see him happy. But if he's not willing to take into account other people's feelings, it makes me wonder why he's trying to build a relationship with me. If he's happy being a 'lone wolf' as he states, then why does he have so much underlying sadness? If he truly feels he's a terrible person (something I still to this day can't fully understand), why does he not just simply rectify those actions that are leading him to believe he is? Perhaps he's a masochist and enjoys punishing himself? I don't know. I am seeing underlying issues that are beginning to deeply concern me. He admitted to me a few weeks ago that he was in a bad place the night we first met. He's been in a dark depression for the past four years that caused him to go into a solitary lifestyle. He's also stated that he believes we were meant to meet each other. He's never elaborated on that last statement, so I'm not quite sure what purpose he feels I'm fulfilling for him. I realize he may never be able to offer me the emotional connection I yearn for in a relationship, so that is why I'm beginning to wonder if I need to take a step back and re-evaluate this relationship. He simply may have too many issues for me to effectively deal with. It's difficult to know what the right decision is at this time. Right now my head and my heart are telling me two different things, and I feel deeply torn. Thank you again everyone for your replies.

Perhaps your question should be, what exactly is it I can offer others?

Hi Dogheadma. Are you suggesting a professional for me, for him, or for us both? I personally would have no problem with counseling. He, on the other hand, may not be so willing or eager.

So many interesting and provoking replies thus far. I took a particular delight in reading through this entire thread. My own personal philosophy stems from two words; transcendence and enlightenment. Caldus, I agree it can be frusterating to see others interacting on a level you're unfamiliar with, and which, quite frankly, may bore you. However, have you ever considered reaching out to some of these seemingly 'ordinary' people and tactfully trying to stimulate them into your own sphere of thinking through gently challenging conversation? You may be putting too much emphasis on what you feel others have to offer you and thereforeeee finding that pursuit empty. By making an effort to reach out to others with compassion and humility, perhaps you can plant a seed with someone that will incorporate your own philosophical passion. It is only with great humbleness and careful observation do we truly become aware of the wonderful blessings each person brings into our lives. Don't become so self-involved that you overlook the seemingly simplicities of human interaction. We all have something of unique intrinsic value to offer and learn from one another.

Hi Dogheadma, Yes, I love him very much. That is something I feel in my heart without question. I would honestly like for us to work through these types of conflict with open communication and without resentment. But it's difficult when it's hard to know when he's being serious about something or not. He's admitted to me he's dealing with a massive depression, and remained silent when I asked if he'd ever hurt himself. He'll throw out these random comments like, "I'm sorry if I bore you" or "I feel like I'm conning you into spending time with me" or "I'm a terrible person" or "I only have two years to live" or something just totally inappropriate. He's told me numerous times he's a terrible person but will never explain himself. He's told me, like, three times he only has 2 or 3 years to live and just won't elaborate. I'm sorry but if he's being a wise * * * *, I just don't find it humorous. I have no idea if I should be worried about his health or not. I feel at this point Ive tried very hard to communicate to him how I've felt. I'm not sure it's being received though, and I admit it's very discouraging. I suppose that is why my heart is starting to be on guard more and more. I want to be there for him to help him through whatever he's going through, but he'll just throw out these comments that sting me and cause me to retreat (such as his virgin comment). I love him, and I do believe he says these stupid things without malicious intent. The last thing I want is for us to resent each other.

Hi DN, When I say take things slower, I mean casually dating each other, as opposed to what we have right now (an exclusive commitment). I suppose it's hard for me to feel I have a boyfriend when I feel so emotionally detached from him most of the time. I'm looking for a best friend as well as a lover. I just feel extremely conflicted right now. I do care about M deeply. I wonder if I found a way to deal with his eccentricity and smart * * * * humour better, if we'd be happy. I suppose my heart is just very guarded right now. Are my standards too high? Is it possible to have a best friend and a lover at the same time? I've had both in separate relationships, but never together in the same. Maybe what I'm looking for isn't even out there?

Thank you for the replies. I have talked with him very openly about my concerns, a few times in fact. He respectfully listens but doesn't ever say much. Sometimes he'll just blankly stare at me and I need to gently remind him that I'm not a mind reader. I've told him he needs to work on his communication skills, if possible. Sometimes he'll start a statement and never finish it, and it's led to some problems. Or he'll say something so ambiguous, I have no idea where the heck it came from or what he's getting at. So I'll question him to try to attain a better understanding of where he's coming from, and at times he'll start to get agitated. I'm just starting to feel afraid to do anything, I suppose. I have also suggested to him that perhaps our personalities just aren't a good romantic match. But then at times we get along so wonderful and share so much chemistry together. It's frusterating! Would it smart to take things slower at this point, or could I potentially be messing up something that could one day be really wonderful? i don't want us to resent each other.

Hi guys, I know I'm an ultra sensitive person. I don't know if this is affecting my relationship, or if I'm just in a relationship that isn't right for me. I'm crazy about my boyfriend M. We have been dating for the past few months. Those interested in the kind of bizarre backstory leading up to our relationship can read more here; . I don't always quite get M. We'll hang out at times and he'll seem really great. One weekend, for example, we spent a day outside together just taking a long leisurely stroll through the city park. The day seemed to be going great. Then later we went back to his place to watch a movie. As he set up the DVD player, I browsed through the 'help wanted' ads since I'm currently looking for a second job for the weekends. I was reading an ad aloud to him and expressed my disappointment that the ad stated experience was required. "Well", he quirked, "you're not a virgin." (I've only had sex with one guy, my ex.) I was really shocked he said that, and looked at him over the paper. I told him right away he had hurt my feelings, and that I felt I didn't deserve that type of comment. He apologized and we watched the movie but it seemed as if something was bothering him. He seemed agitated with me. Suddenly in the middle of the movie, he went into his bedroom, put on his pajamas, came out and announced he was tired and going to bed. "But", he added, "you're welcome to stay and finish watching the movie." I was flabergasted by this. He gave no indication all evening he was tired and suddenly I felt awkward and terrible for being there. We said goodbye awkwardly, and I left feeling very confused and hurt by the whole incident. Last weekend I met one of his friends for the first time. A big group of us all met each other out at a local pub. The first thing M did when I walked in was approach me to give me a hug and soft kiss on the cheek. I noticed the tall glass of dark liquid in his hand was almost empty and wondered if he'd been there awhile. He introduced me to his friend and they said they'd only arrived about ten minutes earlier. I asked M what he was drinking, and he replied, "Rum and coke." I was a bit surprised by this response since I have seen him drink, but rarely. And if he'd only arrived ten minutes earlier, I was worried he was drinking too quickly. Well, it turns out he had lied to me over something so trivial and stupid, and I still don't fully understand why. He was really drinking diet coke. I only found out when his friend ordered another two from the waitress. he has such a weird and bizarre humour, for example, he's Catholic but used to tell people he was Muslim all the time because he was tired of explaining to people why he didn't drink. This was at a time in his life he strictly didn't drink alcohol at all. Even now when he does have a beer, he will rarely finish it. I later expressed my disappointment to him over his little lie and he accused me of not 'getting him' and of being too sensitive. I have such a thing against liars. He jokingly told me it was only half a lie since he had been drinking coke. *rolls eyes* To make matters worse, his friend was being really obnoxious so it just turned out to be a bad night all around. Now all these small things may in themselves seem harmless, but little things like this keep happening and it's beginning to make me very sad and worried. I really like M and enjoy spending time with him. I know he considers himself a smart * * * *. He freely admits he's one and complains that of all the things for me to be sensitive over, why that? I don't know what to do at this point because I am crazy about him, but at the same time he almost makes me feel too needy at times. I've always considered myself to be probably one of the most independent people I know, but dating someone who constantly reminds me he's a 'lone wolf' makes me feel clingy and makes me begin wonder if this guy is really good boyfriend material after all. I don't know what to do at this point. I've been taking it moment by moment and trying to distance myself a bit more emotionally from things. I'm scared of making him feel overwhelmed. I don't know if it's necessarily healthy to 'freeze' my emotions though? I've talked with him about things feeling very impersonal at times in our relationship. He feels sad I feel that way, and I do believe he'd be upset if I broke things off. I just don't know if perhaps we're too different? Any advice?

Play as many games as you feel you should to feel 'in control', however, be fully prepared if they happen to backfire. I have zero tolerance or patience for severe head games and would never look back. I don't deal well with emotionally dishonest people.

I've just fallen deeply and undeniably in love for the first time. It is something I feel so strongly inside myself, I know the feeling is truth. In other relationships, I would want to change the person, or there lingered some nagging doubt on my true feelings. But with my new beau, I know without any hesitation and with absolute confidence that I love him. He can be an absolute slob and I love him. He can be a wise * * * * and I love him. He can shine as the sweet, shy, kind compassionate and gentle soul that he is, and I love him. He can wake up with his thick wavy hair in a fro and I love him. He can walk around in ratty pajamas with the tags still hanging from his comfy pants and I love him. he can be an absolute nut and I love him. When you are in love, there are no doubts. Your heart will know. I have found my soul mate who enhances my existence. I cherish every moment I spend with him, and feel blessed to share my life with someone who has become so dear to my heart. I love you, M!

Well. If my shy guy had any doubts on my feelings towards him, they were certainly made much clearer this past weekend. (I didn't completely molest him. Just a little bit. Ahem.) He did kiss me for the first time this past weekend, which was a wonderful milestone for us. This Saturday he has asked me out on our first official date to see a ballet performance of Don Quixote at a local theatre. I'm delighted to accompany him and am looking very much forward to it. So far, so good. \\

Hi guys. I just wanted to drop in real quick with an update. M and I are talking very consistently now. In fact, we keep each other up most nights gabbing on the phone. What a little chatter box he has turned out to be! Today is our first lovely warm day in western New York, so we are heading to the zoo for an afternoon of soaking in the sorely missed sun. Afterwards I may suggest a romantic Thai dinner together if he's still interested in hanging out a bit longer. Needless to say, I've become irresistibly attracted to my shy guy. He has become a wonderful blessing in my life. His beautiful personality is shining through more and more each moment we're spending together. Up to this point I've purposely been moving things along very slowly, something he has been very respectful of. But I may at some point come clean very, very soon and 'fess up to my true feelings towards him. (But...I have a suspicion he all ready knows.)

Hi guys, here's an update on my situation. I met up with M friday evening with a group of friends. We were going to see a movie. I dressed up really pretty and I think M definitely noticed. Two of our friends were late so our group of 10 people had to squeeze into the movie theater late -- only to find almost every single seat was taken! We ended up in the second row, haha. After twisting ourselves like a pretzel and craning our necks, we sat back to enjoy the film. M sat next to me. The movie was ridiculously stupid, (Date Movie) but also a great ice breaker in getting everyone to relax and laugh. During the movie I slipped M some candy that I thought he might enjoy. (He told me once on the phone he loved peanut butter, so I bought him Reeses before going to the show and stuffed them in my purse). He seemed touched and happy I had guessed his favorite candy. After the movie we all went accross the street to a brew pub. M was definitely out of his element. Its obvious he really meant it when he told me he doesn't go out much. I don't know if it was all the people around or what, but he seemed very tense and nervous. He's not much of a drinker but he sweetly ordered himself and I a drink. More of our mutual friends started showing up, but I stayed by M's side the whole evening. At times it was frusterating because he kept talking very quietly and almost seemed as if he was fading out on his answers. At one point he started wringing his hands a bit and I almost panicked thinking maybe it was all too much too soon for him. I listened to my instincts though and calmly talked with him all evening. At times he was opening up a bit and other times he was receding back into his shell. I tried not to feel frusterated and when our friends suggested hopping to another bar, I declined. I knew if they left, it would give M and I a chance to be more alone and perhaps he might be a bit more comfortable. So our huge group of friends left and M and I talked for another hour or two. Things slowly started feeling less tense between us, although he never seemed entirely at ease. He has a bit of a social awkwardness and I'm not sure if that stems from severe shyness? More things I learned about M; he was a twin who had 3 brothers and 2 sisters, his older brother went to Berkeley for music (which explains his exceptional talent with his own singing and song writing -- it must run in the family!) He was a Catholic boy but had very strong and intelligent opinions about organized religion in general. He loved to read and most nights he was either at home playing music, reading or watching a foreign film. He is so exceptionally bright. Its frusterating because I see such a beautiful mind underneath all the shyness and social awkwardness. My friend Shari told me her friends gave up on M because he wasn't "physically enough" with them. Little does Shari know but I actually find that very endearing. Anyway, M and I eventually left the brew pub because it was getting very late and I knew he had to drive back into the city to get home. We had a mini blizzard that evening so he helped me brush the snow off my car, gave me a hug and firmly ordered me inside my car where it was warm. (There were ultra freezing temperatures that night, I had forgotten my gloves and my fingers were all ready numb so I obliged). I asked him to call me as soon as he got home, to make sure he arrived safely. The next day M wrote me an email thanking me for inviting him out, and said he had a wonderful time. He apologized if he had seemed tense and admitted he had been nervous. We've made plans to see each other again. I'm going over to his house on Wednesday actually to teach him some exercises and yoga asanas. As a runner he has an injury in his leg and I told him I thought I knew some things that might help. So I'll be visiting his home for the first time and I'm looking very much forward to that. Now. M is definitely an unusual persona. He is very sweet and almost innnocent. However, I've never met anyone with such an extreme amount of shyness in my life. I did notice he is opening up to me more and more on the telephone and not clamming up so much. I was very pleased that he led almost the entire conversation the last time we talked over the phone. So my hope is to eventually get him to that point in person as well. I see such a beautiful personality in there! I really hope one day it will shine through. Thank you everyone for reading. I apologize for the length of this post. Any other insight/advice is always appreciated. I've never dealt with such extreme shyness before so receiving different perspectives is quite enlightening.

Because he didnt seem interested in me at that point. The guy wasn't even looking me in the face while we were talking. I thought he was only trying to be polite when he mentioned the whole number thing. I didn't realize he really meant it until he contacted me. Thank you everyone for your replies, they are very insightful and encouraging. I'm going to try to work out the courage to ask him out tonight (while trying not to faint in the process). Thank you to those who've extended their well wishes. * crosses fingers and takes deep breath *